What's your best/worst joke?

[Oldsoftboss]

News Flash

Calvin Rickson, a scientist from Texas A&M University has invented a bra

that keeps women's breasts from jiggling and prevents the nipples from

pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.

At a news conference announcing the invention, a large group of men took Dr. Rickson outside and kicked the shit out of him.

 

[ozlander]

the law

What happens to a lawyer who jumps out of a plane from 35 000' with no parachute?


Who cares?

 

[ozlander]

work ethic

An American, a Frenchman and an Australian were sitting in a bar overlooking Sydney Harbour. "Do you know why America is the wealthiest country in the world?" asked the American. "It's because we build big and we build fast. We put up the Empire State Building in six weeks."
"Six weeks, mon dieu, so long!" snapper the Frenchman, "ze Eiffel Tower we put up in one month exactement. And you," he continued, turning to the Australian, "what has Australia done to match that?"
"Ah, nuthin' mate. Not that I know of."
The American pointed to the Harbour Bridge. "What about that?" he asked.
The Australian looked over his shoulder. "Dunno, mate. Wasn't there yesterday."

 

[Rusty]

Programmer's drinking song

99 little bugs in the code,
99 bugs in the code,
Fix one bug, compile it again,
101 little bugs in the code.
101 little bugs in the code,
101 bugs in the code,
Fix one bug, compile it again,
103 little bugs in the code.

[repeat to fade]

 

[ozlander]

good tune

lol ... that's a good one, Rusty :-D

On the Mundi Mundi Plains, just northwest of Broken Hill, is a small town called Silverton, where the story is told of the old miner, who spent most of his time telling stories to tourists in return for free beer at the local pub. One day, he threw an old sugar bag on the bar, opened up the tied end and out stomped a large goanna. He bet the tourists that the goanna could play the piano. The goanna jumped off the bar, went over to the piano and started to play. The tourists were amazed.

After a few beers, the old miner rushed outside to his beaten up FJ ute and started to rummage around in the back. One of the tourists asked him what he was looking for.
"I've got a bloody black snake that can sing in here somewhere."
The word got around the tourist buses quickly and everyone stood in the tiny bar. The old miner came in with another sugar bag and emptied it on the bar. Out slithered a long black snake. "The bugger can sing!" said the old miner. The tourist dollars lined the bar in bets. The old minor was worried. He had only bet for free beers. He picked up the snake and draped it over the piano, the goanna began to play and the snake burst out into song.
The torists all cheered, the old miner picked up the thousands of dollars in bets. He started to walk out the door when he broke out in uncontrollable laughter.
"I fooled you mob. The bloody snake can't sing. You see, the flamin' goanna's a ventriloquist!"

 

[accessimpaired]

A little boy watched, fascinated, as his mother gently rubbed cold cream on her face.

"Why are you rubbing cold cream on you face, mommy?" he asked.

"To make myself beautiful," said his mother.

A few minutes later, she began removing the cream with a tissue.

"What's the matter?" he asked. "Are you giving up?"

 

[accessimpaired]

A woman's husband asked her what she wanted for her birthday. She thought for a moment and said, "This year I just want cold, hard cash for a change."

The following day her husband fulfilled her request. He put $40 in nickels, dimes and quarters into a quart jar, then filled it with water and placed it in the freezer.

On her birthday he handed his wife a solidly frozen bottle of change.

 

[ozlander]

aussie limerick1

In the outback they make a fine stew,
A cultural dish it is true ...
What is killed on the road
They cook - a la mode.
It's chili con carnage to you.

 

[ozlander]

this link is dying...

Said a dingo when hunger beset him,
To see what his cunning should get him,
"Mrs, 'Roo, can I couch
And look in you pouch?"
But her joey said, "mummy, don't let him!"

 

[Oldsoftboss]

With stuff like that I think it is terminal

 

[ozlander]

hey , boss... it sure is
where is your all time low...and max...c'mon...I know you have a real dud...I have plenty...lol

 

[ozlander]

I am going for the bottom....lol..with taste..naturally

 

[Oldsoftboss]

I am going for the bottom.

Better keep my back to the wall then 'ey

 

[ozlander]

What's hot,yellow and dangerous?




sorry...




Shark-infestd custard

 

[Rusty]

The computer prayer

Our Morning Prayer . . .

Our Hard Drive

Which art internal

Volume C by name;

Thy code be clean,

Thy fonts be seen

On screen as they are on paper.

Give us this day our documents,

And lead us not into fragmentation

But deliver us our data.

For thine is the SCSI,

And the EISA, and the NuBus,

Forever and Ever,

Amen.

 

[Oldsoftboss]

Amen to that.

 

[ozlander]

Amen

(another good one, Rusty ... a good job we are going for different ends of the spectrum ... lol)

There's this guy who had been lost and walking in the desert for about 2 weeks. One hot day, he sees the home of a missionary.
Tired and weak, he crawls up to the house and collapses on the doorstep. The missionary finds him and nurses him back to health. Feeling better, the man asks the missionary for directions to the nearest town.
On his way out the backdoor, he sees this horse. He goes back into the house and asks the missionary, "Could I borrow your horse and give it back when I reach the town?"

The missionary says, "Sure but there is a special thing about this horse. You have to say 'Thank God' to make it go and 'Amen' to make it stop."
Not paying much attention, the man says, "Sure, ok."
So he gets on the horse and says, "Thank God" and the horse starts walking.
Then he say, "Thank God, thank God, " and the horse starts trotting.
Feeling really brave, the man say, "Thank God, thank God, thank God, thank God, thank God" and the horse just takes off.
Pretty soon he sees this cliff coming up and he's doing everything he can to make the horse stop. "Whoa, stop, hold on!" Finally he remembers, "Amen!"

The horse stops 4 inches from the cliff.

The man leans back in the saddle and says, "Thank God!"

 

[ozlander]

Amen

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway, when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It says, "SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES." He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon, he sees another sign which says, "SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES," and realizes that these signs are for real. When he drives past a third sign saying, "SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT," his curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive.

On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a small sign next to the door reading, "SISTERS OF MERCY." He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?" He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business." "Very well, my son. Please follow me."

He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man, "Please knock on this door." He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in a long habit and holding a tin cup. This nun instructs "Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway." He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup. He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign: GO IN PEACE, YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF MERCY.

 

[Groundrush]

Is Hell exothermic or endothermic

The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of
Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so
"profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the
Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying
it as well.



Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic
(absorbs heat)?



Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law
(gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some
variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:



First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time.

So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the
rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that
once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are
leaving.



As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different
Religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state
that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.



Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not
belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to
Hell.



With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of
souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of
change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order
for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of
Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.



This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls
enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase
until all Hell breaks loose.



2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in
Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes

over.

So which is it?



If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year
that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you, and take
into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2
must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already
frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen
over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is
therefore, extinct...leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence
of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting
"Oh my God."

 

[Rusty]

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I've started attaching this to the bottom of my messages at work


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