What's your best/worst joke?

[smercer]

Bush and Clinton on a Train
Bill Clinton, George Bush, a spectacular looking blonde woman and an enormously large woman with an unfriendly scowl are in a train car. The train passes through a tunnel, and in the darkness the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. As the train pulls out of the tunnel, the daylight reveals a big red slap mark on Clinton's cheek.
The blonde thinks: "That rascal Clinton wanted to touch me and by mistake, he must have put his hand on the fat lady, who must have slapped his face"
The fat lady thinks: "That dirty old Bill Clinton touched the blonde and she smacked him."
Bill Clinton thinks: "George put his hand on that blonde and by mistake she slapped me."
George Bush thinks: "I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack Clinton again."

 

[smercer]

Clinton Jokes and One-Liners
Q: What does Monica Lewinsky have on her Resume?
A: "Sat on the Presidential Staff"

Q: What's the new press name for the latest Presidential scandal?
A: Fornigate.

Q: What do Monica Lewinsky and Bob Dole have in common?
A: They were both upset when Bill finished first.

Q: What is Bill's definition of safe sex?
A: When Hillary is out of town.

Q: What is the difference between Clinton and the Titanic?
A: Only 200 women went down on the Titanic.

Q: How does Bill keep Monica Lewinsky away from the White House?
A: He keeps offering to send Ted Kennedy over to give her a ride.

Q. What does Bill say to Hillary after a romantic interlude?
A: "Honey, I'll be home in 20 minutes."

Q: Why does Bill Clinton cheat on Hillary?
A: He wants to be on top.

Q: How did Bill Clinton paralyze Hillary from the waist down?
A: He married her.

Q: How many women does it take to satisfy Bill Clinton's sexual appetite?
A: It Takes A Village!

Q: When did Clinton realize Paula Jones wasn't a Democrat?
A: When she didn't swallow everything he presented.

Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and a gigolo?
A: A gigolo can only screw one person at a time.

Q: What's the definition of an Arkansas Virgin?
A: A girl that can run faster than the Governor.

Q: What game did Bill Clinton want Paula Jones to play?
A: Swallow the leader

Q: Why is Clinton so interested in events in the Middle East?
A: He thinks the Gaza Strip is a topless bar.

Q. What's the difference between the Secret Service and Janet Reno?
A. There are some things the Secret Service won't do to protect the President.

Q. Did you hear Clinton is declaring a new National Bird?
A. The Spread Eagle

Q. What's Lewinsky's favorite bird?
A. The swallow

Q. How many White House Interns does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. None, they are to busy screwing the President.

Q. Why did Clinton cross the road?
A. To get to the intern on the other side, of course

Q. Why did the intern cross the road?
A. To get to the BOOK CONTRACT she needed to sign on the other side

Q. What was Lewinsky's position at the white house?
A1. Head Intern
A2. Under Secretary
A3. Missionary

Q. What is Lewinsky's code name in the FBI?
A. Deep Throat

Q. What is Clinton's favorite toy?
A. An Erector Set

Q. What is Clinton's favorite card game?
A. Poker

Q. What is Clinton's favorite food?
A. The Cumquat

Q. What is Clinton's favorite T.V. Show?
A. Leave it to Beaver

Q. What's Clinton's favorite song?
A. Grooving

Q. What's Bill Clinton's favorite brand of potato chips?
A. Lays

Q. What is Clinton's Favorite Presidential Act?
A. Edict

Q. What office equipment has been distributed to all white house secretaries?
A. The Dick-taphone

Q. What is the unwritten Executive Privilege?
A. Having first pick of the new White House Interns.

Q. Why would Clinton make a great rowing instructor?
A. Because he is so good at say, "Stroke, Stroke, Stroke."

Q. Why is Clinton such a lousy golfer?
A. He likes to take a lot of stokes.
Q. Why does Clinton swim naked in the white house pool?
A. He is trolling for interns.

Q. What is Clinton's worst nightmare?
A. An intern with braces. (I feel your pain)

Q. What's Clinton's Economic forecast?
A. A "Bare" Market

Q. What is Clinton's number one training exercise for interns?
A. Tongue Twisters...

Q. What's Bill Clinton's favorite sandwich?
A. Tongue Sandwich

Q. What does Clinton have in common with a Timex watch?
A. It takes a Licking and keeps on Dicking

Q. Why did Clinton recommend Lewinsky for a job at Revlon?
A. He knew she would be good at making things up.

Q. Why did Richardson offer her a job in the Foreign service?
A. He thought she would be good at speaking in tongues.

Q. What is Clinton's Favorite outfit?
A. The Sear Sucker Suit

Q. Why did Lewinsky have an affair with Clinton?
A. She wanted to get ahead in the world.

Q. What does Clinton do fist thing in the morning?
A. Read the HEADlines...

Q. How many White House interns does it take to satisfy Clinton?
A. Nobody knows, he has never been satisfied.

Q. What do Isikoff and Ice Cream have in common?
A. Both get scooped regularly.

Q. How does Clinton order his coffee in the morning?
A. Hot with Whipped Cream

Q. What's Clinton favorite place in the White House?
A. The Oval Orifice

Q. What magazine does Clinton hate?
A. WIRED

Q. What is the latest warning to be posted in the White House?
A. Don't Tripp!

Q. What did Clinton say the night after the Lewinsky story broke?
A. 'What A Bad Tripp!'

Q. What does Nixon have in common with Clinton?
A. Tricky Dick

Q. What's the difference between Bill Clintons dick and a Quebec Hydro tower?
A. A Quebec Hydro tower comes down occasionally

Q. What do Sleeping Beauty and Lewinsky have in common?
A. Both were Pricked.

Q. What do OJ and Clinton have in common?
A. Both are lying, bad golfers, who leave a trail of DNA behind.

Q. What do Clinton and Starr have in common?
A. They are both inclined to extend their probes.

Q. What was Arafat's Advice to Clinton?
A. Goats don't talk!

Q. What did Gore say after the Lewinsky story broke?
A. 'Why do they call me the stiff man in the White House?'

Q. What did Monica say when the FBI ask for the "Dress?"
A. Come and get it.

Q. What was Clinton's last gift to Monica?
A. Spot remover.

Q. How can you tell you've just had sex with Bill Clinton?
A. You've got french fries in your hair, and Vernon Jordan is handing you a job application.

Q. What do Monica & the Green Bay Packers have in common?
A. They both blew it.

Q. Why does Clinton wear boxers?
A. To keep his ankles warm.

Q. What do Monica & OJ Simpson have in common?
A. Sore knees.

Q. Why did Clinton quit the saxophone?
A. So he could play that Hoarmonica

Q. Did you hear about the 11th Commandment Clinton introduced?
A. Thou shall not expose thy rod to thy staff

Q. What do you get when you cross a crooked politician with a crooked lawyer?
A. CHELSEA

Q. What will Bill Clinton be known as when he leaves the White House?
A. The President after Bush

Q. What is the name of Monica Lewinsky's new book?
A. 'My Taste For Power'

Q. How can you tell when Bill Clinton is lying?
A. His lips are moving

Q. What's the difference between Bill Clinton and a dog?
A. A dog chases his own tail

Q. What is Clinton's codename?
A. 'The Unibanger'

Q. What do you call Clinton's fly?
A. U.S. Open

Q. What did Clinton say when asked about the scandal?
A. I was trying to keep my campaign promise by putting more women on my staff.

Q. Do you know who Hillary has asked to stay at the White House?
A. Lorena Bobbitt

Q. Why are they asking for $3.00 Presidential funds in this year's tax returns (Last year it was only $1.00)
A. Because condom prices have gone up!

Q. What is the difference between the president and the titanic?
A. They know exactly how many people went down on the titanic.

Q. When can you tell that the country is in trouble?
A. Clinton has been caught with Al thinking it was Mal.

Q. What did Clinton say to the new female intern?
A. I haven't come across your face.

Q. What did Clinton say when Paula Jones went public with her story?
A. NOW she decides to open her mouth!

 

[fatbloater]

blonde

Why was the blonde staring at the OJ?

iT SAID CONCENTRATE

 

[accessimpaired]

Happy Halloween

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the
last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.

Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the
latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed
with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain
rational.

In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the
bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He
started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get
the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a
tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the
sheets, a hospital security guard (barely containing his laughter) who
had watched the whole incident walked up and asked, "What the heck is
going on here?"

The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the shit
out of a ghost"


Happy Halloween !

 

[GSM]

An old farmer in Kansas had owned a large farm for several years. He had
a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe
courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and
fixed up for swimming when it was built.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't
been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon
bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices
shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch
of young women skinny-dipping in
his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep
end of the pond. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out
until you leave!"
The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim
naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he
said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
------------------------------------------------------
An 85-year-old man went to his doctor - and the doctor decided that he
needed to get a sperm count from his elderly patient.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring
back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the patient reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him
the jar, which was as clean
and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: "Well, Doctor,
it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, then I tried with my
left hand, then with both hands but nothing.
So I asked my wife for help. She tried with all her might but still
nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady
next door and she tried too, as did Freda our neighbour on the other
side, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbours!!!"
The old man replied, "Yep. And no matter what we tried, we still
couldn't get the dang jar open."
------------------------------------------------------
A married man goes into the confessional and says to his priest,
"I almost had an affair with a woman."
The priest says, "What do you mean, "almost"?"
The man says, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then
I stopped."
The priest says, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're
not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's
and put £50 in the poor box."
The man leaves the confessional, says his prayers, and then walks
over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly runs over to him saying, "I saw
that you didn't put any money in the poor box!"
The man replies, "Yeah, but I rubbed the £50 on the box, and
apparently that's the same as putting it in."

 

[Groundrush]

Jail Break

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a
house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders
the guy out of bed and ties him to a
chair. While tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her
neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the
husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably
spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he
kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever
he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is
probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey.
I love you" to which the wife responds:

"He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was
gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it
was in the bathroom. Be strong honey.

I love you too!!"

 

[Jacob Mathai]

Reelection campaign

A mayor in a US town was running for reelection. He was knocked on a man’s door and asked for his vote. Here is an interesting conversation.

The home owner : “What have you done for me lately?”
Mayor : “Your son got the big contract with the city public works. Your wife got job with the city administration. Now, will you please vote for me?”
The home owner : “Sorry, I cannot vote for you. You haven’t done a thing for me yet.”

 

[cheuschober]

Best/Worst Joke...

Two cows are standing in a field.

The first cow says to the second cow, "Hey, have you hear about that new mad-cow disease?"

Second cow says, "What do I have to worry about? I'm a helicopter."


Guaranteed to always get a groan with about 20 more in the wings,
~Chad

 

[ozlander]

Blonde Male

An Irishman, a Mexican and a blonde guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building." The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too." The blond opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."
The next day the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage and jumped to his death. The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito and jumped too. The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!" The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much." Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. "Hey, don't look at me," she said, "He makes his own lunch."

 

[NJudson]

This is especially for Jon98548, KenHigg, CavScout and the rest of our fine upstanding Southerns on the board.

Engineering EXAM

Many folks up north think that folks from the south are not so bright. We would like any of the so-called smart-aleck Yankees to take this exam administered by the University of North Carolina State Engineering Department and see if they can pass it.

1. What is the smallest limb diameter of a persimmon tree that will support a 10-pound possum? Please show how you arrived at your answer.

2. Which of these cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard? A '65 Ford Fairlane, a '69 Chevrolet Chevelle, or a'64 Pontiac GTO.

3. If your uncle builds a still that operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine per hour, how many car radiators are required to condense the product?

4. A woodcutter has a chainsaw that operates at 2700 RPM. The density of the pine trees in the plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweisers will be drunk before the trees are cut down?

5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the percentage decrease in the ozone layer?

6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1-inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed?

7. A man owns a house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has five children. Can each of his grown children place a mobile home on the man's land and still have enough property for their electric appliances to sit on the front porch?

8. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a steep slope on a secondary road at 45 MPH. The brakes fail. Given average traffic conditions on secondary roads, what is the probability that it will strike a vehicle with a muffler?

9. A coal mine operates a NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of the 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during the shift?

10. At a reduction in the gene pool variability rate of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town that has been bypassed by the Interstate to breed a country-western singer?

 

[cavscout]

This is especially for Jon98548, KenHigg, CavScout and the rest of our fine upstanding Southerns on the board.

Engineering EXAM

Many folks up north think that folks from the south are not so bright. We would like any of the so-called smart-aleck Yankees to take this exam administered by the University of North Carolina State Engineering Department and see if they can pass it.

1. What is the smallest limb diameter of a persimmon tree that will support a 10-pound possum? Please show how you arrived at your answer.

2. Which of these cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard? A '65 Ford Fairlane, a '69 Chevrolet Chevelle, or a'64 Pontiac GTO.

3. If your uncle builds a still that operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine per hour, how many car radiators are required to condense the product?

4. A woodcutter has a chainsaw that operates at 2700 RPM. The density of the pine trees in the plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweisers will be drunk before the trees are cut down?

5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the percentage decrease in the ozone layer?

6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1-inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed?

7. A man owns a house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has five children. Can each of his grown children place a mobile home on the man's land and still have enough property for their electric appliances to sit on the front porch?

8. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a steep slope on a secondary road at 45 MPH. The brakes fail. Given average traffic conditions on secondary roads, what is the probability that it will strike a vehicle with a muffler?

9. A coal mine operates a NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of the 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during the shift?

10. At a reduction in the gene pool variability rate of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town that has been bypassed by the Interstate to breed a country-western singer?

These are trick questions!

These answer to all of them is "5" except for question 7 which is "Yes".

 

[NJudson]

These are trick questions!

These answer to all of them is "5" except for question 7 which is "Yes".

Shoot! I thought #4 was square root of Pi.

 

[cavscout]

1. Remember; "yous" can be singular or plural.
2. If you are at a loss for words, just say, "Fuggedaboudit." This can mean, "yeah, you're right," "Wow!", "that's terrible," "no big deal, " "What a surprise", "forget about it", or a number of other things known only to wiseguys.
3. If you take a cab, make sure that you are packing heat, as well as carrying a universal language translator. None of the cab drivers up north speak anything remotely close to your language.
4. Don't be surprised to find liquor sold in drug stores.
5. Get used to hearing the "F" word and try not to take offense. Most northerners just use it as an adjective. It's f----ing cold, it's f----ing hot, she's f----ing ugly, What the "F" you looking at," etc.
6. The spring wardrobe you brought out in April can wait til June.

7. Even though you are already driving 15 miles over the speed limit, the idiot behind you with the New York tags flashing his lights and flipping you off wants you to get the out of the way. No offense, it's common practice up there.
8. Although there is only one posted speed limit, there is a fast lane and a slow lane. Those traveling in the fast lane are usually doing 20-25 miles above the speed limit. If you want to drive the speed limit, stay in the right lane.
9. Be advised, northerners do use turn signals; they just wait until actually turning to do so.
10. Most northerners will try to tell you that the "N" word is only used in the south, until an African-American moves into their neighborhood.
11. If you tell someone that you're from N.C., don't be surprised if they ask if you've ever been to Mayberry. (Also, "Does your family have an outhouse?", "Did your Daddy ride a mule to work", "Are your Mama and Daddy related", etc.)
12. Be advised that while you may be used to opening doors for ladies, this could be considered a come-on. Worse yet, lesbians and women's libbers consider it an insult.
13. Although you have been taught to use it all your life, permanently remove Ma'am and Sir from your vocabulary unless you are in the military. People will look at you as if you are from another planet.
14. Never ask for grits in a restaurant, and don't expect to find sweetened ice tea anywhere.
15. Don't be concerned that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either.
16. Weddings and funerals alike are generally viewed as opportunities to get knee crawling, slip-sliding, commode-hugging drunk.
17. Other transplanted southerners can be identified by the fact that smile and speak even if they don't know you. In addition, if they haven't lived there too long, they still have good manners.
18. While you may have been used to doing this all your life, never again leave your windows open at night.
19. Most northerners seem to think God has a last name. You will rarely hear his name mentioned that it is not followed by a four-letter word. Forgive them. They know not what they say. You will also hear Northerners frequently say, "Ohhhh Myyyyy Gahhhhhd!" Just remind them that they should address someone they know.
20. When some kind-hearted Northerner reminds you who won the Civil War, respond by saying, "Oh you must be referring to the War of Northern Aggression. There was nothing Civil about it."
21. Think back to when you used to live in the south. Make a list of all the things that transplanted northerners used to do that drove you crazy. Don't do any of them.
22. Now that you have lived up north, you have a better understanding of why northerners are the way they are. If you ever do move back to God's country, you will no doubt be more tolerant of them.

 

[ozlander]

It happened in the early1970s

There was this almighty flood. In one of the rescue helicopters - apart from the pilot - there was an odd group of three people. A young hippie, a simple country clergyman and a half-sozzled bloke in a crumpled suit. Suddenly, the machine developed a serious fault. Ashen-faced, the pilot turned around and said, "I'm terribly sorry, but you'll have to bail out because we are going to crash. The problem is that we've only got two parachutes."
Before he finished speaking, the business-suited bloke spoke up, "I'm a Rhodes scholar", he said, "and I'm in charge of all the workers in Australia. I have the brains, the drive and the connections to become the PM of this great country. I am clearly indispensable." So saying, he grabbed the pack nearest to hand and jumped out.
"Son," said the padre, "I am an old man, I suffer from arthritus and am near the end. You have your life ahead of you - you take the other parachute."
"What's with you, man?" asked the hippy, "there's still two chutes. That self-important idiot jumped out with my backpack."

 

[smercer]

Hi all

Here are a couple of pictures, you have to see "Sicknote.jpg" before looking at "Sicknote attachment.jpg".

Ps This is a adult joke and some people may be offended by it.

 

[smercer]

GEORGE BUSH: When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

DORMITORY: When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

EVANGELIST: When you rearrange the letters:
EVIL'S AGENT

PRESBYTERIAN: When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE MORSE CODE: When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES: When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY: When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

MOTHER-IN-LAW: When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

SNOOZE ALARMS: When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z'S

A DECIMAL POINT: When you rearrange the letters:
I'M A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES: When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO: When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

And for the grand finale: PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA: When you rearrange the letters (With no letters left over and using each letter only once):
TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS

 

[smercer]

7. A man owns a house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has five children. Can each of his grown children place a mobile home on the man's land and still have enough property for their electric appliances to sit on the front porch?

These are trick questions!

These answer to all of them is "5" except for question 7 which is "Yes".

Depends on how big the porch is, the volume each appliance takes on the porch multiplied by the quantity of each appliance (of same type) and whether the porch takes the total weight of all appliances

 

[Idjit]

Bush elected for four more years.

I leave it to the reader to decide whether this is the "best" or "worst" joke.

 

[Friday]

Bush elected for four more years.

I leave it to the reader to decide whether this is the "best" or "worst" joke.

errr...the joke is on "us".

 

[ozlander]

intelligent politician

If an intelligent politician, an intelligent woman and the Easter Bunny got into a lift (aka elevator) together and discovered a $10 note lying on the floor, who whould pick it up?
The intelligent woman. The other two don't exist!