What's your best/worst joke? (1 Viewer)

[skea]

What was the offence about?
If think it had been left for a little more time, it would have been dealt with appropriately by some WATERHEATERS of this forum before the discard.

 

[GSM]

If think it had been left for a little more time, it would have been dealt with appropriately by some WATERHEATERS of this forum before the discard.

Normally I would agree that between ourselves we should and could have a debate either seriously or in fun.

However, the offending post was in my humble opinion of a paedophile nature. I am sure that no ill harm was intended and it was just a joke in very bad taste.

 

[fuzzygeek]

Lite Again

Britainy Spears and her husband have a new reality show.

I prefer to call it

Star Bores Thee
Revenge of the Myth

 

[Ukraine82]

They should start making a better reality show.

Get bunch of homeless people in a house and let the camera men tape their lives.

Kind of the like the Real World - Homeless version.

The best one I've seen was close to it was the Chappell Show were they got 1 white boy and 6 black people (1 of them got out of prison). LOL

Michael

 

[cheuschober]

The director / star of SuperSize Me has his own reality TV series called 30 days to appear on Fox where people have to spend 30 days in situations they would never normally be in.

For example, a deeply devout christian fundamentalist is placed in an all-muslim community. Or a homophobic straight man is given a couple of gay men as roommates.

The director / host himself will be participating in his own study during this: he'll be attempting to live soley off of minimum wage.

 

[Rusty]

Brown Paper Jake:

A sheriff walks into a saloon and shouts for everyone's attention "Has anyone seen Brown Paper Jake?"

"What's he look like?", asks one shoddy-looking cowboy.

"Well", replies the Sheriff. "He wears a brown paper hat, a brown paper waistcoat, a brown paper shirt, brown paper boots, brown paper pants, and a brown paper jacket."

"So what's he wanted for?", asks the same cowboy.

"Rustlin'."

 

[Rusty]

A man was sitting at home one evening, when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, a 6 foot tall cockroach was standing there. The cockroach immediately punched him between the eyes and scampered off.

The next evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang again. When he answered the door, the cockroach was there again. This time, it punched him, kicked him and karate chopped him before running away.

The third evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, the cockroach was there yet again. It leapt at him and stabbed him several times before running off. The gravely injured man managed to crawl to the telephone and summoned an ambulance.

He was rushed to intensive care, where they saved his life.

The next morning, the doctor was doing his rounds. He asked the man what happened, so the man explained about the 6 foot cockroach's attacks, culminating in the near fatal stabbing.

The doctor thought for a moment and said, "Yes, there's a nasty bug going around."

 

[Rusty]

Ten feet away the rabbit stops,

turns around and waves again,

he hops down the road another 10 feet,

turns and waves, hops another ten feet,

turns and waves,

and repeats this again and again and again,

until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished.

He runs over to the woman and demands,

"What is in that can?

What did you spray on that rabbit?"

The woman turns the can around

so that the man can read the label.

It says...


(Are you ready for this?)


(Are you sure?)


(It's definitely a Blonde Joke!)


(You can still stop reading this)


(You know you're gonna be sorry)


OK, here it is


It says,


"Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, adds permanent wave."

 

[Jacob Mathai]

high cost of gasoline

Due to the high cost of gasoline, O.J. Simpson and Robert Blake are car pooling searching for the killers.

Jay Leno

 

[KenHigg]

Thought some of these were pretty good:

Here are a few things to think about that you probably have never thought about:

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?


If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?


Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?


Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. . but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out!"

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

When your photo is taken for your driver's license, why do they tell you to smile? If you are stopped by the police and asked for your license, are you going to be smiling?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

What do you call male ballerinas?


Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream?

If Wyle E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?


If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?

 

[Jacob Mathai]

If all the brides are beautiful, where do so many ugly women come from?

 

[Kraj]

Because I like to ruin everything...

Here are a few things to think about that you probably have never thought about:

Can you cry under water?
-Yes

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
-An assassination is a murder where the motive is political

If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
-To root out the cause of your barking

Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?
-To account for optional crust-cutting

Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. . but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
-Taxes. Where else?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
-Only if they were sewn onto your corpse.

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
-Serendipity.

What disease did cured ham actually have?
-Swina Bifida.

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
-People excercised in the 60s.

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
-They just do. What, are you gonna cry about it???

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
-Yes.

If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?
-Yes.

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
-This is based on the anatomical interaction a man is capable of with a VCR as opposed to a television.

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
-Boobies.

How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?
-Boobies.

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
-To make sure the videocamera is working.

If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?
-911

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
-English is stupid.

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?
-Yes.

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out!"
-The first calf.

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
-To give idiots a chance to burn down their house.

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
-Probably because the bulb wouldn't work properly or would become too brittle.

When your photo is taken for your driver's license, why do they tell you to smile? If you are stopped by the police and asked for your license, are you going to be smiling?
-No, but the policeman is after you "do whatever it takes to get out of this ticket".

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
-So that stupid people will ask stupid questions about the stupid song.

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
-No.

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
-If Seinfeld is no longer on TV, why can't we find new material?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
-Because they're usually not asking Madonna where the bathroom is.

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
-Evolution.

What do you call male ballerinas?
-Homosexuals.

Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream?
-You've got to be kidding....

If Wyle E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
-Because no one delivers a pizza to the middle of a desert.

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
-Babies. That's right, babies.

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
-No, morality comes from mormons.

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?
-No.

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
-Pretty close.

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
-To check.

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?
-What is this mysterious "it" that exists both in outer space and mammallian anuses?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?
-Nope, can't say that I have.

 

[KenHigg]

.
.
.
.

 

[dgoulston]

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
-Probably because the bulb wouldn't work properly or would become too brittle.

-in supermarkets they have lights in the freezers........

 

[Uncle Gizmo]

Well it's obvious to me. The top man, in this case was a lady Ms. Alpertropolova. The male designers wanted to put a light in the freezer so that any man would be able to find his ready meals. However Ms. Alpertropolova realized that it would be pointless having a light in the freezer, because even with a light, a man would have to enlist the aid of a woman to find his ready meals. So she decided not to install the light, because as everyone knows women can see in the dark, and find anything. So the light would be completely unnecessary, also there would be a serious effect on the environment because as the man stood there looking in the freezer for a minimum of half an hour, and this could happen three or four times a week! Not only would the electricity consumption of the light be significant, but the heat from the light would warm up the frozen food, doubling the detrimental affect on the environment, and introducing the possibility that some of the food may be spoiled.

 

[KenHigg]

I looked when I got home. There's not a light in the 'fridge freezer but there is one in the deep freezer.

 

[Kraj]

True to form I decided to search for the answer to this mystery and my conclusion is: it's an obsolete mystery. I've found no information as to why a freezer might intentionally have no light bulb, but it appears that pretty much all new freezers have them.

 

[viperstingray]

JACK SCHITT...true story, you know....

WHO IS JACK SCHITT ?

The lineage is finally revealed. Many people are at a loss for a
response when someone says "you don't know Jack Schitt."
Now you can intellectually handle the situation.

Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the
fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Knee-deep N. Schitt
Inc.

In turn Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple
produced 6 children; Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull
Schitt, and the twins; Deap Schitt, and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a
high school drop out.
After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.Noe Schitt
later
married Mr. Sherlock,
and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her
previous
name.
She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.

Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a nervous son, Chicken
Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout
childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual
ceremony.
The
wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens
wedding.

The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse. Bull Schitt,
the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned
from Italy with his new bride, Pisa Schitt.

So now when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt", you can correct
them.

 

[viperstingray]

2 guys are sitting at a bar on top of the sears tower in NYC. They got really drunk. One guy turns to the other and says "you know that if you jump off of this building you will not die". His new 'friend' says "NO WAY IS THAT POSSIBLE". He replied back saying "it is possible, the way the wind wraps around this building swoops you into the fourth floor before you hit the ground" after saying that he took a jump to demonstrate.

to much of the other guy's amazment he came back up to the bar. "NOW DO YOU BELIEVE ME" he said.

The new guy decided to give it a shot and plumitted to his deat. The bartender turns to the first guy and says "you know superman, you can be a real ass when you are drunk"

 

[GSM]

A man is picking some apples from the fruit counter at the supermarket when a young and attractive woman beside him turns, smiles and says hello.
He can't remember ever having seen her before, but smiles and nods politely. "Err, hello," he says.
The woman can see he doesn't recognise her, and apologises. "I'm sorry," she says. "I mistook you for someone else. When I saw you there I assumed you were the father of one of my children."
She pushes her trolley off and resumes shopping.
The man is confused and stunned. The woman looks smart, she's well-spoken, and yet she can't keep track of the fathers of all her children. What is the world coming to?
But maybe ...
He then starts to wonder if maybe he has met her before. Back years ago when he was at university they all had some pretty wild times. He'd sown a lot of wild oats, and it was perfectly possible that he had fathered some children without knowing about it.
Now he panicked, and ran out of the supermarket and caught up with the woman as she was loading her shopping into her car.
"I realised we might have met years ago," he says. "Are you the girl I met at a party in college. We got really drunk and had sex on the floor while everyone was watching cheering us on?"
"Err no," she says. "I'm your son's primary school teacher."