What's your best/worst joke? (1 Viewer)

[Oldsoftboss]

An older couple, Sam and Bessie move to Texas. Sam always wanted a
pair of cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them and
wears them home, walking proudly. He goes into the house and says to
Bessie, "Notice anything different about me?"
Bessie looks him over and says, "Nope!"
Frustrated, Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks
back into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again, he
asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different now??"
Bessie looks up and says, "Sam, what's different? It's hanging down
today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again
tomorrow."
Furious, Sam yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, BESSIE?
IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!"
To which Bessie replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Sam. Shoulda bought a
hat.."

 

[stevehooley]

really rubbish one

Q: How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
A: Put it in the microwave until its bill withers.

 

[GSM]

Not sure that today is right for religious jokes but here goes...

STAMPS FOR CHRISTMAS CARDS

A BLONDE woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.
She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?"
The clerk says, "What denomination?"
The woman says, "God help us. Has it come to this?
Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists

 

[skea]

Her Obsession!!!!

A Psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session
with four young mothers and their small
children..."You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother he said: "You are obsessed with
eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second mom: "Your obsession is with
money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's
name, Penny."

He turns to the third mom: "Your obsession is alcohol.
This too manifests itself in your child's name,
Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother gets up, takes her
little boy by the hand and whispers. "Come on, Dick,
we're leaving

Tell me,
what do you think her Obsession is?

 

[Jacob Mathai]

The Irish Catholic Bishop was driving on a winding road and the Anglican Bishop was coming from the opposite direction. Their cars hit each other. They got out, introduced themselves and shook hands. The Catholic Bishop found the Anglican Bishop was still shaking. So, the Catholic Bishop opened the trunk (boot) of his car, took out a bottle of wine, gave it to Anglican Bishop and said : "Please drink this. This will steady your nerves." The Anglican Bishop drank the wine, felt good and gave the bottle back to the Catholic Bishop and asked if he was going to drink some wine too.
The Catholic Bishop replied : "Not now. I am waiting for the Police."

 

[KenHigg]

Rich & Col got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose.
They bagged four. As they started loading the plane for the return trip, the
pilot said the plane could take only two moose. The two Brits objected
strongly. "Last year we shot four and the pilot let us put them all on
board; he had the same plane as yours." Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and
all four were loaded. However, even on full power, the little plane couldn't
handle the load and went down a few moments after take-off. Climbing out of
the wreck Rich asked Col, "Any idea where we are?"

"Yea, I think we's pretty close to where we crashed last year."

 

[maxmangion]

Men do remember Anniversaries

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him.
He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

Do you remember when I met you and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.
The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do" she replies. The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car, making love?" "Yes, I remember" says the wife,lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues... "Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'" "I remember that too" she replies softly. He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have gotten out today."

 

[maxmangion]

Married Couple

There was once a man and woman who had been married for more than 60
years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about. For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man
took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it
was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he
found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $25,000. He asked her about the contents.


"When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll." The little old man was so moved, he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.


"Honey," he said, "that explains the dolls, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?" "Oh,"she said, "that's the money I made from selling the dolls."

 

[Rich]

Rich & Col got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose.
They bagged four.

I can assure you that neither myself or Col. would partake in this primeval, barbaric, bloodlust American pastime

 

[ColinEssex]

I can assure you that neither myself or Col. would partake in this primeval, barbaric, bloodlust American pastime

that's very true - the thought is abhorrent and archaic.
Actually,I'm surprised that those on this forum who like killing things for sport arn't up there in the frozen north clubbing baby seals to death with a 6" nail in the club and then skinning them before they die.

Col

 

[maxmangion]

MURPHY goes into the confessional and says to his priest "I had an affair with a woman. . . almost." The priest says, "What do you mean, almost?"

MURPHY says, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped" The priest says, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in.

You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say 5 Hail Mary's and
put $50 in the poor box." MURPHY leaves the confessional, says his prayers,
then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then starts to
leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly runs over to him saying,

"MURPHY!!! I saw that you didn't put any money in the poor box!" MURPHY replies, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in.

 

[maxmangion]

Maths

Little David, who was Jewish, was failing maths. His parents tried everything.
Tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centers, and nothing helped.
As a last resort, someone told them to try a Catholic school.
"Those nuns are tough" they said. David was soon enrolled at St. Mary's.
After school on the very first day David ran through the door and
straight to his room, without even kissing his mother hello. He
started studying furiously, books and papers spread out all over his
room. Right after dinner he ran upstairs without mentioning TV, and
hit the books harder than before.

His parents were amazed. This behavior continued for weeks, until
report card day arrived. David quietly laid the envelope on the table,
and went to his room. With great trepidation, his mother opened the report.
David has been awarded an A in math! She ran up to his room, threw her arms around
him and asked, "David honey, how did this happen? Was it the nuns?
"No!", said David. "On the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed
to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around!"

 

[maxmangion]

24 hrs Left

Ralph returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told
him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, Ralph asks his wife
for sex. Naturally, she agrees, and they make love.
About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, "Honey, you
know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?"
Of course, the wife agrees and they do it again.
Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes he now
has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife`s
shoulder and asks, "Honey, please .. just one more time before I die?" she
says, "Of course, dear." And they make love for the third time.
After this session, the wife rolls over & falls asleep. Ralph, however,
worried about his impending death, tosses & turns
until he`s down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses. "Honey, I
have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could.....?"
At this point the wife sits up and says, "Listen Ralph, I have to
get up in the morning .. You don`t."
____________________________

 

[Rusty]

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son.
They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What
are these, Dad? To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are
called condoms son. Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. Yes, I've heard of that in
health class at school." He looks over the display and picks up a
package of 3 and asks,

"Why are there 3 in this package?"

The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one for Friday, one
for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are
these for?"

"Those are for college men," the dad answers, TWO for Friday, TWO for
Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12
pack. With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, "Those
are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for
March......."

 

[GSM]

Two men dressed in United Pilots' uniforms walk up the aisle of the
plane, heading for the cockpit. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is
using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the
cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin
glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a
little practical joke. None is forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and the people sitting
in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at
the edge of the airport territory. As it begins to look as though the
plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.

At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers
relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their
magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says,
"You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and
we're all gonna die."

 

[maxmangion]

Spanish Lecture

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

''House'' for instance, is feminine: ''la casa.''

''Pencil,'' however, is masculine: "el lapiz.''

A student asked, ''What gender is 'computer'?''

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether ''computer'' should be a masculine or a feminine noun.

Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that ''computer'' should definitely be of the feminine gender (''la computer''), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is impossible to understand for everyone else;

3. Even ! the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval;

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine (''el computer''), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem;

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model!!

 

[maxmangion]

Two Sisters

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.
Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.

In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed with their own stock.

They see an ad in the country newspaper for a 'bull for sale' and decide one of them should go and check it out.

Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to bring the pick-up truck so we can haul it home."

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599 no less.

After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull and I need her to hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says

"I want you to send her the word "comfortable."

The operator shakes his head "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word "comfortable?"

The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll read it very slowly. com-for-da-bul."

 

[GSM]

A tour bus driver with a bus full of senior citizens is driving down the road when he is tapped on the shoulder by one of his passengers, a little old lady.
She offers him a handful of peanuts as a gesture of thanks from the passengers, which he gratefully eats.
After about 15 minutes, she taps him on the shoulder again and gives him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture a few more times when finally the bus driver asks: “Why don’t you eat the peanuts?”
“We can’t because of our old teeth,” replies the old lady.
“Why do you buy them then?” asks the driver.
“We like the chocolate coating!”
-------------------------------------------------------
One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river,
her thimble fell into the river.
When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"
The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and
that she needed the thimble to help her husband in making a living for
the two of them.
The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden thimble.
"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.The seamstress replied, "No."
The Lord again went down and came up with a wooden thimble. "Is this
your thimble?" the Lord asked.
Again, the seamstress replied, "No."The Lord went down again and came
up with a silver thimble.
"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.
The seamstress replied, "Yes."The Lord was pleased with the woman's
honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress
went home happy.
Some time later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the
riverbank, and her husband fell into the river. When she cried out, the
Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are you crying?"
"Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the water!"
The Lord went down into the water and came up with Mel Gibson. "Is this
your husband?" the Lord asked. "Yes," cried the seamstress.The Lord
was furious."You lied! That is an untruth!"
The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a
misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Mel Gibson, you would
have come up with Tom Cruise. Then if I said 'no' to him, you would
have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have
given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not
be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes'
to Mel Gibson."

 

[KenHigg]

Chris Rock's Quote of the Year:
>
> "You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy,
> the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese,
> the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of
> arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most
> powerful men in America are named 'Bush', 'Dick', and 'Colon'. Need I
> say more?"
>

 

[Big Pat]

Another true story

My son Conor (who was aged about 7 at the time) ran to come and get me in the kitchen. "Dad", he said, a touch worriedly "they've rescued some little aliens. It's real...it's on the news!".
"Don't worry" I reassured him, "alien is just a word they use for foreign people who are not allowed to live here".
"But Dad, they said the ship was in trouble and they've rescued six little aliens".
I was puzzled. "Little aliens" was certainly an odd way to describe them. Were these children that had been found somewhere? And what was this about a ship?
I went to the living-room with Conor and was just in time to see the end of a story about a fishing trawler that had sent a distress signal from somewhere in the North Sea.
The UK coastguard had rescued six LITHUANIANS.