What's your best/worst joke?

[Hayley Baxter]

Glad you put your foot in it Gizmo it provoked Hayley into a response and enabled me to send some good jokes to my daughters , they loved 'em.

Brian
PS Wish I had hair

No No Brian, you've got it all wrong......I'm just keeping Andy in line

 

[Brianwarnock]

No No Brian, you've got it all wrong......I'm just keeping Andy in line

OOps! looks like I had a follicle challenged moment

brian

 

[Rich]

Things I say that are clever
By Rich

The American book of wit

 

[TessB]

Opp's
I can now see that I was wrong, very wrong, as wrong as only a man can be. Please accept my apologies, it did not even occur to me that the word "khaki" could be pronounced differently and completely lose its meaning Within the context of the joke. I presume it's because you are more likely to call a "car" an automobile or auto.

I don't take it seriously, these jabs at men and women.
And, no, we call a car a car.... but some pronounced it cah, others pronounce it car.... In New England, it could be pronounced cah...with multiple uses of the "a" sound.... which may make them laugh at the joke.

 

[FoFa]

Hummm, I pronounce mine "Truck"

 

[KenHigg]

Hummm, I pronounce mine "Truck"

Pick-up truck

(Reminds me of the guy in Red October who wanted to live in Montana )

 

[Rich]

Pick-up truck

(Reminds me of the guy in Red October who wanted to live in Montana )

If it's a Ford you can replace the T with an F

 

[KenHigg]

.
.
.
Fruck?

 

[Rich]

It's a silent R Kenny

 

[KenHigg]

I kind of suspected that

 

[Rich]

Young man starts work at a hypermarket and is attached to a top salesman who gives a demonstration of his skills.
A man comes in and asks for grass seed, so the salesman says "and when the grass seed grows sir you'll need a roller to keep it perfect"
You're right says the man, I'll take one.
"And then" says the salesman "you'll need a mower to keep it pristine"
You're right says the man, I'll take one.
"And then" says the salesman, "you'll need fertiliser, weedkiller and moss killer to make it the envy of your neighbours".
You're right says the man, I'll take all three.

"There you go son" says the salesman "he came in for 2 quids worth of grass seed and left with £200 worth of goods, that's what you call selling, now you try"

The next customer is a man after a box of tampons. And the lad says " do you want to buy a lawnmower and some weedkiller?
The man says " "why on earth would I want that" and the lad says


"well your weekend is ruined, you might as well mow the lawn"

 

[Rich]

Dogon e

 

[Rich]

Dogtw o

 

[Rich]

I'm just keeping Andy in line

In line for what?

 

[andy_dyer]

In line for what?

Yes....

Very interested to know more!!

 

[Rich]

A mother is in the kitchen when her daughter walks in,

Mummy where do babies come from?

Well dear mummy and daddy fall in love and then get married, one night they go into the bedroom and kiss and hug and have sex.

The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues
That means daddy puts his penis into mummy's ******.
That's how you get a baby honey.
The child seems to comprehend.

Oh I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy's penis in your mouth.
What do you get when you do that?


Jewelry my dear, Jewelry

 

[KenHigg]

>Below are four (4 ) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer

>them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them
>immediately. OK?
>
>
>
>Let's find out just how clever you really are.
>
>
>
>
>Ready? GO!!! (scroll down)
>
>
>
>
>First Question:
>
>
>You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What
>position are you in?
>
>
>
>Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely
>wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you
>are second!
>
>Try not to screw up in the next question.
>To answer the second question, don't take as much time as you took for
>the first question.
>
> Second Question:
>
>
>
>
>If you overtake the last person, then you are...?
>
>
>
>
>Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong

>again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person?
>
>
>
> You're not very good at this! Are you?
>
>
>
>
> ! Third Qu estion:
>
>
>Very tricky math! Note: This must be done in your head only. Do NOT use

>paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.
>
>
>
>
>
>Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30. Add
>another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000 Now add 10. What is the
>total?
>
>
>
>
>Scroll d! own for answer.
>
>
>
>
>Did you get 5000?
>
>
>
>The correct answer is actually 4100.
>
>
>
>Don't believe it? Check with your calculator! Today is definitely not
>your day. Maybe you will get the last question right?
>
>
>Fourth Question:
>Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono.
>W! hat is t he name of the fifth daughter?
>
>
>
>
>
>Answer: Nunu?
>
>
>NO! Of course not.
>Her name is Mary. Read the question again
>
>
>
>
>Okay, now the bonus round:
>
>
>There is a mute person who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the
>action of brushing one's teeth he successfully expresses himself to the

>shopkeeper and the purchase is done.
>
>
>
>Now if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how

>should he express himself?
>
>
>
>
>
>
>He just has to open his mouth and ask, so simple.

 

[dgoulston]

A priest in a small rural town was very fond of his 10 chickens
and 1 handsome **** he kept in a hen house behind the rectory. One Saturday night the priest discovered that the rooster was missing. At the same time the Priest heard rumours of cockfights being held in town. Shocked and dismayed, he decided to say something during Mass.

During Mass he asked the congregation, "Who among you will
confess to sporting a handsome ****?" All the men stood up.

"No, no," he said. "That's not what I mean. Who among you will
confess to having seen a handsome ****?" All the women stood up.

"Oh, no," he said. "That's not what I mean either. Who among you
will confess to having seen a **** that doesn't belong to you?" Half
the women stood up.

"Oh Lord," he said. "Perhaps I should rephrase the question:
"Has anybody seen my ****?"
All the choirboys stood up.

 

[Jacob Mathai]

I am very sad to hear of the loss of thousands of threads and postings due to a hacking incident. I am sure we will rebuild. Let us not lose hope. This web site (forum) has been an invaluable help to me.

I am glad to see this thread survived. This thread provides some relief from the everyday pressures of life!

 

[fuzzygeek]

You know you are addicted to technology when...

You can't sit through an entire movie without having at least one device on your body beep or buzz.

You think of the gadgets in your office as "friends", but you forget to send your father a birthday card.

In computer shops, you eavesdrop on a salesman talking with customers, butt in to correct him and spend 20 minutes answering the customers' questions, while the salesman stands by silently, nodding his head.

You say "digital compression" in a conversation without thinking how strange your mouth feels saying it.

You constantly find yourself in groups of people to whom you say "digital compression". Everyone understands what you mean and you are not surprised or disappointed that you don't have to explain it.

You say "voice number" instead of "phone number" as the majority of phone lines in any house are linked to contraptions that talk to other contraptions.

You back up your data every day.

On holiday, you read a computer manual and turn the pages faster than those who read John Grisham novels.

You go to trade shows and map out your path of the exhibit hall in advance. But you can't give someone directions to your house without looking up street names.

You would rather get more dots per inch than miles per gallon.

You are so knowledgeable about technology that you feel secure enough to say "I don't know" when someone asks you a technology question instead of feeling compelled to make something up.

You understand all these jokes.

If so, technology has taken over your life. We suggest you go lie under a tree and write a haiku. And don't use a laptop.