What's your best/worst joke?

[oldozziesubby]

I Like this one - it's a bit long, but worth it.

A Wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa , taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.
One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost.. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.



The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says.

"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!

Moral of this story....


Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience.

 

[Jacob Mathai]

Why God Will Never Get Tenure

1. He published only one book.
2. It was in Hebrew.
3. It had no references.
4. He did not publish it in referenced journals.
5. Some doubt He even wrote it Himself.
6. He is not known for His cooperative work
7. Sure, He created the world, but what has He done lately?
8. He did not get permission from any review board to work with human subjects.
9. When one experiment went awry, He tried to cover it up by drowning all the subjects.
10. When sample subjects do not behave as predicted, He deletes the whole sample.
11. He rarely comes to class - and just tells His students to read the Book.
12. It is rumored that He sometimes lets His Son teach the class.
13. Although He only has 10 requirements, students often fail His tests.
14. He expelled His first two students for learning.
15. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountain top.

 

[Jacob Mathai]

"the Resume"

One of the toughest tasks a church faces, is choosing a minister.

A member of an official board,
undergoing this painful process finally lost patience.

He'd watch the pastoral relations committee reject applicant after
applicant, for some fault, alleged or otherwise.

It was time for a bit of soul-searching on the part of the committee.

He stood up to read a letter purporting to be from another applicant.

"Gentlemen: Understanding your pulpit is vacant,
I should like to apply for the position.

I have many qualifications. I've been a preacher with much
success and also have had some success as a writer.

Some say I'm a good organizer.
I've been a leader most places I've been."

What I do, is a labour of love, from the grace of God, that is with me,
and I require no other payment.

"I am over 50 years of age.

I have never preached in one place for more than three years.

In someplaces, I have left town after my work caused riots and disturbances.

I must admit, I have been in jail three or four times,
but not because of any wrongdoing."

"My health is not too good, though I still get a great deal done.

The churches I have preached in,
have been small, though located in several large cities.

I've not gotten along well with religious leaders in towns where I
have preached.

In fact, some have threatened me and even attacked me physically.

I am not too good in keeping records.
I have been know to forget who I baptized."

"However,if you can use me, I shall do my best for you."

The board member looked at the committee.
"Well, what do you think? Shall we call him?"

The good church folks were aghast.
Call an unhealthy, trouble-making,absentminded ex-jailbird?

Was the board member crazy? Who signed the application?

Who has such colossal nerve?

The board member eyed them all keenly, before he answered,

"It is signed,

"the Apostle Paul."

 

[RexesOperator]

Sick Leave

John urgently needed a few days off work,

But, he knew the Boss would not allow him to take leave.

He thought "maybe if I acted Crazy,

Then the Bosss would tell me to take a few days off."

So, he hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.

His co-worker (who's blonde) asked him what he was doing.

He told her that he was pretending to be a light bulb,

So, that the Boss might think he was "Crazy" and give him a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked,

"What in the name of goodness are you doing?"

John said "I am a light bulb."

He said, "You are clearly stressed out."

Go home and recuperate for a couple of days."

John jumped down and walked out of the office...

When his co-worker (the blonde) followed him, the Boss asked her,

"...And where do you think you're going?!"

She said, "I'm going home too. I can't work in the dark."

 

[froggiebeckie]

92 Years Old...

Mary (85)and Joe (92) lived quietly in their first floor apartment. They'd had a fine life, married for 70 years, raised a great family of independent, successful children and were just enjoying their last years together, still active and healthy.

One day Anne, a beautiful 45 year old blond divorcée moved into the front apartment on the fourth floor. Joe saw her struggling with some packages and offered to help, which she gratefully accepted. While in her apartment, he noticed the cabinet door hinges needed to be tightened and volunteered to do whatever minor "fix-it" jobs she needed done, since she had no man in her house. Again, she gratefully accepted his offer.

Mary, glad of the chance to get him out from under her feet for a while, encouraged him to make himself useful. "After all, we're supposed to help our neighbors", she reminded him. So Joe does lots of little jobs for Anne.

Time goes by and Joe and Anne spend more and more time together. One thing leads to another and they begin a very intense love affair.

Now, Mary starts to notice how much time Joe is spending upstairs, but can't imagine what they are doing, so finally she becomes concerned enough to take some action. So, one afternoon when Joe slips upstairs, Mary waits a few minutes then quietly goes up to Anne's apartment and lets herself in without knocking.

She follows the sounds and walks into the bedroom where the happy couple are busy doing the deed.

Without saying a word, Mary grabs Joe by the hair and the scruff of the neck, drags him out of the bed and over to the raised bedroom window and then throws him bodily out of the window.

Anne, grabbing at Joe and screaming says "WHAT ARE YOU DOING? ARE YOU CRAZY? WE'RE ON THE FOURTH FLOOR. OH MY GOD, YOU'VE KILLED HIM!!"

To which Mary calmly replies:

"Honey, he's 92 years old. If he can f**k, he can fly."

 

[GaryPanic]

lady in Jewllers

A lady walks into a high class jewellery shop. She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely she inadvertently breaks wind.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materialises in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.
Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, "Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?"
Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?"
He answers, "Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to shit yourself when I tell you the price."

 

[RexesOperator]

PECANS IN THE CEMETERY

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big,
Old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day,
Two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of
Sight, and began dividing the nuts.

"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me,"
Said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his
Bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from
Inside the cemetery.

He slowed down to investigate.
Sure enough, he heard, "One for you,
One for me. One for you, one for me."

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike
And rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man
With a cane, hobbling along.

"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe
What I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the
Cemetery dividing up the souls."

The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard
For me to walk." When the boy insisted though, the man
Hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one
for me. One for you, one for me."

The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' me
The truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord."

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence,
Yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and
The boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as
They tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's
All. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll
Be done."

They say the old man made it back to town a full 5
minutes ahead of the kid on the bike.

 

[TessB]

I got this in an email from a friend the other day.
Cracked me right up!

The population of this country is 300 million.


160 million are retired.


That leaves 140 million to do the work.


There are 85 million in school.


Which leaves 55 million to do the work.


Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal government.


Leaving 15 million to do the work.


2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama Bin-Laden.


Which leaves 12.2 million to do the work.


Take from that total the 10.8 million people who work for state and city governments. And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.


At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.


Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.


Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.


That leaves just two people to do the work.


You and me.


And there you are,


sitting on your ass,


at your computer, reading jokes.


Nice. Real nice

 

[Rusty]

These are genuine too!


Top Ten Worst Picked URLs

1. A site called ‘Who Represents‘ where you can find the name of the agent that represents a celebrity. Their domain name… wait for it… is
www.whorepresents.com

2. Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at
www.expertsexchange.com

3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at
www.penisland.net

4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at
www.therapistfinder.com

5. Then of course, there’s the Italian Power Generator company…
www.powergenitalia.com

6. And now, we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales:
www.molestationnursery.com

7. If you’re looking for computer software, there’s always
www.ipanywhere.com

8. Welcome to the First Cumming Methodist Church. Their website is
www.cummingfirst.com

9. Then, of course, there’s these brainless art designers, and their whacky website:
www.speedofart.com

10. Want to holiday in Lake Tahoe? Try their brochure website at
www.gotahoe.com

 

[Rusty]

How many forum members does it takes to change a light bulb?


1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs

1 to move it to the Lighting section

2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section

7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs

5 to flame the spell checkers

3 to correct spelling/grammar flames

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"

15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct

19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this
discussion to a lightbulb forum

11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum

36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty

7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs

4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's

3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group

13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"

5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy

4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"

1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.

 

[Alc]

How many forum members does it takes to change a light bulb?

You forgot:

2, to point out that the lightbulb wouldn't need changing, if it weren't for US foreign policy

 

[rainman89]

You forgot:

2, to point out that the lightbulb wouldn't need changing, if it weren't for US foreign policy

wonder which 2?

 

[KKilfoil]

You forgot:

2, to point out that the lightbulb wouldn't need changing, if it weren't for US foreign policy

Also left out:

1 (Micro$oft Employee) to say "In the new version of Micro$oft Bulb, we couldn't figure out how to change the lightbulb, so we redefined the standard to 'dark' ".

 

[Rich]

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat- shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."

And they say blondes are dumb...
--------------------------------------
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."
--------------------------------------
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
--------------------------------------
He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said - That's a good idea.. you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.
-------------------------------------
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
--------------------------------------
A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish.
The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
Whoos h! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger...
Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!! Gotta love that fairy!
--------------------------------------
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.
AMEN
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
--------------------------------------
Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.
--------------------------------------
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
--------------------------------------
Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
--------------------------------------
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"
--------------------------------------

 

[Rich]

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
husband stalking around with a fly swatter

"What are you doing?"
She asked.

"Hunting Flies"
He responded.

"Oh. ! Killing any?"
She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.




Intrigued, she asked.
"How can you tell them apart?"

He responded,
"3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone.

 

[thisisntwally]

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and
spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can
you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't
know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering
approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees
north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an economist," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is, technically
correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact
is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."

The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are
going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air.
You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people
beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same
position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."


(i've seen this with engineer subbed for economist)

 

[Rabbie]

One day a frog called Kermit Jagger walked into a bank and spoke to the cashier who was called Patricia Whack. He asked for a loan of £1000 for a party he was given. She asked him if he had any security. He explained he knew the bank manager and that his father was Mick Jagger. The cashier said she still needed som security so he produce a small china elephant. She took the elephant and webt to speak to the manager

"whats this" she asked him showing the elephant.

The manager replied

"A knick knack,Patty Whack, give the frog his loan. His old man's a rolling stone"

 

[Oldsoftboss]

An eagle love story

Did you know that eagles mate for life? Well one day Harry the eagle waited at the nest for Mary his darling of 10 glorious years. After a while when she didn't return he went looking and found her. She had been shot. Dead!


Harry was devastated. After about six minutes of mourning he decided that he must get himself another mate but since there weren't any lady eagles available he'd have to cross the feather barrier. So he flew off to find a new mate.


He found a lovely dove and brought her back to the nest. The sex was OK but all the dove would say is "I'm a DOVE, I'm a DOVE and I want to make love!"


Well this got on Harry's nerves so he kicked the dove out of the nest and flew off once more to find a mate.

He found a very sexy loon and brought her back to the nest Again the sex was great but all the loon would say is, "I'm a LOON, I'm a LOON and I want to spoon!" So out with the loon.


Once more he flew off to find a mate. This time he found a gorgeous duck and he brought the duck back to the nest. Again the sex was great, but all the duck would say was.....

*
*
*
No, the duck didn't say THAT!!!!! That's an awful thing to think!



*
*
*



The duck said, "I am a DRAKE, I'm a DRAKE and you made a MISTAKE !"

 

[Salient]

Q. Why did the chicken cross the playground ?

A. To get to the other slide

 

[Oldsoftboss]

Q. Why did the chicken cross the playground ?

A. To get to the other slide

Well at least we have established the "Worst" part of the Whats your best/worst joke