What's your best/worst joke?

[statsman]

3 building contractors all pass away at the same time in different parts of the world. They arrive at the Pearly Gates and St. Peter checks their names in the Big Book.
"You guys are all fine, but I can't let you into heaven. The Gates are broken. You guys are contractors, give me an estimate".
The first contractor is an Italian. He looks over the job and tells St. Peter "I can do it for $3,000".
"How do you figure $3,000" asks St. Peter.
"1,000 for the materials, $1000 for the men and $1,000 for me" comes the reply.
The second contractor, a Swede looks over the job and tells St. Peter "I can do it for $6,000, $2000 for the materials, $2000 for the men and $2,000 for me.
The third contractor is a Brit. He doesn't even look at the job. "I'll do it for $9000" he says.
"$9,000" says St Peter "thats a little steep. How'd you figure that out".
"$3,000 for you, $3000 for me and we'll sub it to the Italian".

 

[Golfer]

Story by a Man standing in a queue in Tesco's.....

I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Winalot in Tesco and was standing in the queue at the till. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Winalot Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.


I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it works is to load your trouser pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her. Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned.

I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the road licking my testicles and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door

Stupid cow..........why else would I buy dog food??

 

[statsman]

Man 1: My dog has no nose.

Man 2: How does he smell?

Man 1: Awful

 

[thisisntwally]

the funniest joke in the world; killer joke; joke warfare

Wenn ist das Nunstück git und Slotermeyer?
Ja! ... Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput.





There were zwei peanuts walking down der strasse. Und one was assaulted... peanut!

 

[Guus2005]

What's the thing you don't want to hear when having great sex?

Honey, i am home!

 

[wazz]

Q. Why did the chicken cross the playground ?

A. To get to the other slide

i like.

 

[sandy6078]

I've had a REALLY bad day! I rear-ended a car today. I tell you, It was a REALLY, REALLY, REALLY BAD DAY!

The driver got out of the other car and he was a DWARF!

He looked up at me and said, "I am NOT Happy!"

So I said, "Well then, which one ARE you?"

That's how the fight started.

 

[Oldsoftboss]

I've had a REALLY bad day! I rear-ended a car today. I tell you, It was a REALLY, REALLY, REALLY BAD DAY!

The driver got out of the other car and he was a DWARF!

He looked up at me and said, "I am NOT Happy!"

So I said, "Well then, which one ARE you?"

That's how the fight started.

Not bad, not bad at all

 

[Access_guy49]

A Texas business man was preparing for a business golf meeting he would be having the next day. The men he was planning on meeting were chinese, and so the night before the meeting he decided to soak up a little chinese "culture". (aka a chinese prostitute) He took the girl back to his room and began his fun. As the activity reached climax she began to scream "De wang! DE WANG!" over and over again. to which the Texan took to mean something along the lines of "good Job". The man was thrilled that he would be able to impress his potential partners in the meeting with a little chinese vocabulary. The next day, half way through their game, one of the Men made an excellent shot and it's a Hole in one! The Texas business man decides this is a perfect opportunity to use his line.
"De Wang" the Texan says.
The chinese business man looks at him with a confused look and says, "what do you mean wrong hole?"

 

[Access_guy49]

O geez, Ok this one isn't mine and can be found on alot of web sites and what not. i got it in an e-mail but i laughed so hard i had to share it. even my grandmother loved it! (she's religious) but warning. does kinda poke fun at religion! enjoy.



A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. if I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey,don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me"
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's!

 

[Darth Vodka]

why did the scarecrow win a Nobel prize?





it was outstanding in its field



i'll get me coat

 

[wazz]

...A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak...

roflmao!

 

[scott-atkinson]

During a Papal audience, a business man approached the Pope and made this offer: Change the last line of the Lord's prayer from "give us this day our daily bread" to "give us this day our daily chicken." and KFC will donate 10 million dollars to Catholic charities. The Pope declined. 2 weeks later the man approached the Pope again. This time with a 50 million dollar offer. Again the Pope delcined. A month later the man offers 100 million, this time the Pope accepts. At a meeting of the Cardinals, The Pope announces his decision in the good news/bad news format. The good news is... that we have 100 million dollars for charities. The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account!

 

[scott-atkinson]

Hello, and welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2. If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid-delusional...

 

[scott-atkinson]

If you are paranoid-delusional...

You met must be American...I thought I would get in there before Rich n Col did

 

[scott-atkinson]

Your dog's barking at the back door. Your wife's barking at the front. Who do you let in? Well, it's your call... but the dog'll stop barking when you let him in.

 

[carlnewboult]

What's White and can't climb trees.............



A Fridge

 

[Oldsoftboss]

but the dog'll stop barking when you let him in.

Let HIM in.... good point

 

[wazz]

The Latest From Apple

Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music.

The iTit will cost $499 or $599 depending on the size.

The iTit has been hailed as a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

 

[KenHigg]

Another Chinese Toy Recall...

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