What's your best/worst joke?

[Brianwarnock]

Hi Aj taken out of context my quote looks a little rude, but Ken , whom it was directed at, would have appreciated it as a send up of Rich and Col's usual tirades.

Brian

 

[ajetrumpet]

Yeah right...I have read through their little "to-do's", and I'm not real impressed.

 

[statsman]

Actual reaction to a landing at Pearson Airport in Toronto where the aircraft came very close to a ground loop...
applause by the passengers.

 

[RexesOperator]

And for our Biology experts:

What the the fatty tissue around a ****** called?
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A Wife

What is the useless piece of flesh at the end of a penis called?
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A husband

 

[RexesOperator]

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist
threats that have raised their security level from "Miffed" to
"Peeved". Soon though, security levels may be raised yet again
to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". Londoners have not been "A
Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran
out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A
Bloody Nuisance". The last time "A Bloody Nuisance" warning level
occurred was during the great fire of 1666.

Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has
raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two
higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate". The rise
was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white
flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military
capability.

It's not only the English and French who are on a heightened
level of alert. Italy has increased its alert level from "Shout
Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing". Two more
levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides".

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful
Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs". Two
higher levels remain: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual and
the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of
Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready
to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so
the new Spanish Navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish
Navy.

 

[Rabbie]

Do you remember when

Do you remember when.....

Memory - was something you lost with age


An application - was for employment

A program - was a TV show

A cursor - used profanity

A keyboard - was a piano

A web - was a spider's home

A virus - was the flu

A CD - was a bank account

A hard drive - was a long trip on the road

A mouse pad - was where a mouse lived

And if you had a 3 inch floppy ..



. . . you just hoped nobody ever found out!???

 

[Oldsoftboss]

Do you remember when.....

A mouse pad - was where a mouse lived

And a mouse was, well, a mouse

 

[ajetrumpet]

A mouse pad - was where a mouse lived

And if you had a 3 inch floppy ..



. . . you just hoped nobody ever found out!???

I remember when...

Work - Was fun.

 

[CraigDolphin]

One for the Aussies

Kiwi Ventriloquist goes for a visit to an Aussie farm.......................

Ventriloquist: "G'day Mate! Good looking dog, mind if I speak to him?"
Aussie: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Kiwi."
Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"
Dog: "Doin' all right."
Aussie: (look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: "Is this aussie your owner?" (pointing at the Australian)
Dog: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Aussie: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Aussie: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I think."
Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Sweet bro" (musta been a kiwi horse)
Aussie: (absolutely dumbfounded)
Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at the Aussie)
Horse: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."
Aussie: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Aussie: "The sheep's a f***ing liar! "

 

[Rich]

 

[Oldsoftboss]

Thats my sense of humor

 

[Jacob Mathai]

Chess Championship Tournament

Last Saturday, a National Chess Championship tournament was held at the Holiday Inn at Manassas where I live. By 3:00 PM, the games were over and the prizes were awarded. Then the players and spectators flocked to the lobby of the building. They were bragging and boasting and made a very noisy scene. I happened to be there at the lobby at that time. The Manager was annoyed by their behavior and yelled at them to leave the building.

Later I asked the Manager why he behaved that way. I told him that it was not good PR for his business. This was his reply: “I could not stand it. Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”

 

[thisisntwally]

ack! the joke...it burns us...

 

[Kinger43]

Last Saturday, a National Chess Championship tournament was held at the Holiday Inn at Manassas where I live. By 3:00 PM, the games were over and the prizes were awarded. Then the players and spectators flocked to the lobby of the building. They were bragging and boasting and made a very noisy scene. I happened to be there at the lobby at that time. The Manager was annoyed by their behavior and yelled at them to leave the building.

Later I asked the Manager why he behaved that way. I told him that it was not good PR for his business. This was his reply: “I could not stand it. Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”

I believe this is the worst joke EVER! You deserve an award for that one

 

[Kinger43]

Why don't dogs carry money?
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Because they don't have any pockets!

 

[Rabbie]

I believe this is the worst joke EVER! You deserve an award for that one

Not so sure. After enjoying the Marx brothers films I tried reading their book "Das kapital". Not even a wry smile in the whole tome. Very disappointing

 

[thisisntwally]

Not so sure. After enjoying the Marx brothers films I tried reading their book "Das kapital". Not even a wry smile in the whole tome. Very disappointing

good one komrade...

 

[artsapart]

Silly jokes

Q) What do you call a fish without an eye?

A) Fsssssssshhhh!


Q) What do you call a dear without any eye's?

A) No idea!


Q) What do you call a dear without any eyes or legs?


A) Still no idea?

 

[Sum Guy]

How many cops does it take to change a light bulb?
None, cops aren't afraid of the dark

How many therapists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but it's really got to want to change.

How many computer programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
None, its a hardware problem.

ETC

ETC

ETC

 

[Jacob Mathai]

Another "worst" joke

This farmer, Jake, had a bossy wife. She decided to take a vacation with her friends just before Christmas. Before she left, she told her husband: “When I get back from vacation, I want to see a new barn.” They both knew they did not have the money to build a new barn.
Jake knew that his wife meant business. He had to come up with some creative idea. He knew Mr. Solly, a farmer in the area, who had a lot of cows. Jake borrowed Solly’s cows and put them in his barn. The cows became very unruly in the new unfamiliar place and tore down the stalls. Jake called his Insurance Company, reported the damage to his barn and collected money from the Insurance Company. He then built a new barn in a very short time period.

When his wife came back, she could not believe what she saw. She asked Jake how he did it. Then Jake started singing:
“Wreck the stalls with cows of Solly - fa - la- la -la – la -la…………………..”