R
Rich
Guest
Would that be Pre Marriage or Post Marriage Stress
What's your best/worst joke? (1 Viewer)
- Thread starter Fornatian
- Start date
Would that be Pre Marriage or Post Marriage Stress
Hayley Baxter
Registered User.
- Local time
- Today, 10:28
- Joined
- Dec 11, 2001
- Messages
- 1,607
If you think the way to a man's heart is through his stomach you're aiming to high.
The best reason to divorce a man is a health reason: you've got sick of him.
Never trust a man who says he's the boss at home. He probaly lies about other things too.
A woman's work that is never done, is the stuff she asked her husband to do.
If you want a nice man go for a bald one -- they try harder.
There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men -- "don't" and "stop" (but not used together).
Whenever you meet a man who would make a good husband, you will usually find that he is.
Scientists have just discovered something that can do the work of five men -- a women.
There are a lot of words you can use to describe men -- strong, caring, loving -- they'd be wrong but you could still use them!
Men are like animals -- messy, insensitive and potentially violent -- but they make great pets!
Mens brains are like the prison system -- not enough cells per man.
Husbands are like children -- they're fine if they're someone else's.
The best reason to divorce a man is a health reason: you've got sick of him.
Never trust a man who says he's the boss at home. He probaly lies about other things too.
A woman's work that is never done, is the stuff she asked her husband to do.
If you want a nice man go for a bald one -- they try harder.
There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men -- "don't" and "stop" (but not used together).
Whenever you meet a man who would make a good husband, you will usually find that he is.
Scientists have just discovered something that can do the work of five men -- a women.
There are a lot of words you can use to describe men -- strong, caring, loving -- they'd be wrong but you could still use them!
Men are like animals -- messy, insensitive and potentially violent -- but they make great pets!
Mens brains are like the prison system -- not enough cells per man.
Husbands are like children -- they're fine if they're someone else's.
Hayley Baxter
Registered User.
- Local time
- Today, 10:28
- Joined
- Dec 11, 2001
- Messages
- 1,607
* The nice men are ugly.
* The handsome men are not nice.
* The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married.
* The men who are not so handsome but are nice men have no money.
* The men who are not so handsome but are nice men with money think we are only after their money.
* The handsome men without money are after our money.
* The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual, somewhat nice and have money are cowards.
* The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and have some money and are heterosexual are shy and never make the first move!!!!!
* The men who never make the first move, automatically lose interest on us when we take the initiative.
* The handsome men are not nice.
* The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married.
* The men who are not so handsome but are nice men have no money.
* The men who are not so handsome but are nice men with money think we are only after their money.
* The handsome men without money are after our money.
* The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual, somewhat nice and have money are cowards.
* The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and have some money and are heterosexual are shy and never make the first move!!!!!
* The men who never make the first move, automatically lose interest on us when we take the initiative.
Hayley Baxter
Registered User.
- Local time
- Today, 10:28
- Joined
- Dec 11, 2001
- Messages
- 1,607
Cash, check or charge?" I asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"Do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him."
_________
What do you call a man who opens the car door for you?
A chauffeur
_________
What do you call 10 stupid men in a circle?
A dope ring.
_________
MAN: "You're lucky we met. Men like me don't grow on
trees."
WOMAN: "No, they swing from them."
Come on Andy, you really must do better
"Do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him."
_________
What do you call a man who opens the car door for you?
A chauffeur
_________
What do you call 10 stupid men in a circle?
A dope ring.
_________
MAN: "You're lucky we met. Men like me don't grow on
trees."
WOMAN: "No, they swing from them."
Come on Andy, you really must do better
Hayley Baxter
Registered User.
- Local time
- Today, 10:28
- Joined
- Dec 11, 2001
- Messages
- 1,607
Friday said:
A women?
You know what I meant
R
Rich
Guest
You've mispelt machine
Friday
Registered User.
- Local time
- Today, 10:28
- Joined
- Apr 11, 2003
- Messages
- 542
Element Name: WOMAN
Symbol: WO
Atomic Weight: (don't even go there)
Physical properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze at any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if mishandled.
Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity with gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Volatile when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a shinier specimen.
Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.
Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands
Symbol: WO
Atomic Weight: (don't even go there)
Physical properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze at any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if mishandled.
Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity with gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Volatile when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a shinier specimen.
Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.
Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands
Hayley Baxter
Registered User.
- Local time
- Today, 10:28
- Joined
- Dec 11, 2001
- Messages
- 1,607
Training Courses Now Available for Men
Introduction to Common Household Objects I: The Mop
Introduction to Common Household Objects II: The Sponge
Dressing Up: Beyond the Funeral and the Wedding
Refrigerator Forensics: Identifying and Removing the Dead
Design Pattern or Splatter Stain on the Linoleum? : You CAN Tell the Difference!
If It's Empty, You Can Throw It Away: Accepting Loss I
If the Milk Expired Three Weeks Ago, Keeping It In the Refrigerator Won't Bring It Back: Accepting Loss II
Going to the Supermarket: It's Not Just for Women Anymore!
Recycling Skills I: Boxes that the Electronics Came In
Recycling Skills II: Styrofoam that Came in the Boxes that the Electronics Came In
Bathroom Etiquette I: How to Remove Beard Clippings from the Sink
Bathroom Etiquette II: Let's Wash Those Towels!
Bathroom Etiquette III: Five Easy Ways to Tell When You're About to Run Out of Toilet Paper!
Giving Back to the Community: How to Donate 15-Year-Old Levis to the Goodwill
Retro? Or Just Hideous?: Re-examining Your 1970s Polyester Shirts
No, The Dishes Won't Wash Themselves: Knowing the 4 Limitations of Your Kitchenware
Romance: More Than a Cable Channel!
Strange But True!: She Really May NOT Care What "Fourth Down and Ten" Means
Going Out to Dinner: Beyond the Pizza Hut
Expand Your Entertainment Options: Renting Movies That Don't Fall Under the "Action/Adventure" Category or Selecting movies that don't star John Wayne on television
Yours, Mine, and Ours: Sharing the Remote
"I Could Have Played a Better Game Than That!": Why Women Laugh
Adventures in Housekeeping I: Let's Clean the Closet
Adventures in Housekeeping II: Let's Clean Under the Bed
"I Don't Know": Be the First Man to Say It!
The Gas Gauge in Your Car: Sometimes Empty MEANS Empty
Directions: It's Okay to Ask for Them
Listening: It's Not Just Something You Do During Halftime
Accepting Your Limitations: Just Because You Have Power Tools Doesn't Mean You Can Fix It
Introduction to Common Household Objects I: The Mop
Introduction to Common Household Objects II: The Sponge
Dressing Up: Beyond the Funeral and the Wedding
Refrigerator Forensics: Identifying and Removing the Dead
Design Pattern or Splatter Stain on the Linoleum? : You CAN Tell the Difference!
If It's Empty, You Can Throw It Away: Accepting Loss I
If the Milk Expired Three Weeks Ago, Keeping It In the Refrigerator Won't Bring It Back: Accepting Loss II
Going to the Supermarket: It's Not Just for Women Anymore!
Recycling Skills I: Boxes that the Electronics Came In
Recycling Skills II: Styrofoam that Came in the Boxes that the Electronics Came In
Bathroom Etiquette I: How to Remove Beard Clippings from the Sink
Bathroom Etiquette II: Let's Wash Those Towels!
Bathroom Etiquette III: Five Easy Ways to Tell When You're About to Run Out of Toilet Paper!
Giving Back to the Community: How to Donate 15-Year-Old Levis to the Goodwill
Retro? Or Just Hideous?: Re-examining Your 1970s Polyester Shirts
No, The Dishes Won't Wash Themselves: Knowing the 4 Limitations of Your Kitchenware
Romance: More Than a Cable Channel!
Strange But True!: She Really May NOT Care What "Fourth Down and Ten" Means
Going Out to Dinner: Beyond the Pizza Hut
Expand Your Entertainment Options: Renting Movies That Don't Fall Under the "Action/Adventure" Category or Selecting movies that don't star John Wayne on television
Yours, Mine, and Ours: Sharing the Remote
"I Could Have Played a Better Game Than That!": Why Women Laugh
Adventures in Housekeeping I: Let's Clean the Closet
Adventures in Housekeeping II: Let's Clean Under the Bed
"I Don't Know": Be the First Man to Say It!
The Gas Gauge in Your Car: Sometimes Empty MEANS Empty
Directions: It's Okay to Ask for Them
Listening: It's Not Just Something You Do During Halftime
Accepting Your Limitations: Just Because You Have Power Tools Doesn't Mean You Can Fix It
Ten things you will NEVER hear a woman say...
10. Could our relationship be more physical? I'm tired of just being friends.
9. Go ahead and leave the seat up, it's easier for me to douche that way.
8. I think hairy butts are really sexy
7. Hey, get a whiff of that one.
6. Please don't throw that old t-shirt away, the holes in the armpits are just too cute.
5. This diamond is way to big.
4. I don't even wanna put my lips on that thing unless I get to swallow.
3. Wow, it really is 14 inches!
2. Does this make my butt look too small?
1. I'm wrong, you must be right again.
10. Could our relationship be more physical? I'm tired of just being friends.
9. Go ahead and leave the seat up, it's easier for me to douche that way.
8. I think hairy butts are really sexy
7. Hey, get a whiff of that one.
6. Please don't throw that old t-shirt away, the holes in the armpits are just too cute.
5. This diamond is way to big.
4. I don't even wanna put my lips on that thing unless I get to swallow.
3. Wow, it really is 14 inches!
2. Does this make my butt look too small?
1. I'm wrong, you must be right again.
A young woman went shopping. She bought a small can of corn, a small can of tuna, a small jar of mayo, a small lemon and a very small box of teabags. When she came to the
counter the man at the cashregister smiled at her and said;
"Dear, You must be single."
"Why, do You mean because I buy so little food?"
"No, because You´re so goddamn ugly...
counter the man at the cashregister smiled at her and said;
"Dear, You must be single."
"Why, do You mean because I buy so little food?"
"No, because You´re so goddamn ugly...
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, both women barely large enough to see over the dashboard.
As they cruised along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went right on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light."
After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection, the light was red, and again they went right through.
This time, the passenger was almost sure that the light had been red, but was also concerned that she might be seeing things.
She was getting nervous, and decided to pay very close attention.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red, and they went right through it.
She turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us!"
Mildred turned to her and said,
"Oh my goodness! Am I driving?"
As they cruised along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went right on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light."
After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection, the light was red, and again they went right through.
This time, the passenger was almost sure that the light had been red, but was also concerned that she might be seeing things.
She was getting nervous, and decided to pay very close attention.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red, and they went right through it.
She turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us!"
Mildred turned to her and said,
"Oh my goodness! Am I driving?"
A married couple are driving along a highway doing 60mph, the husband behind the wheel.
The wife suddenly looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 20 years, but I want a divorce."
The husband says nothing, but slowly increases speed to 70 mph.
She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you are."
Again the husband stays quiet, but speeds up as his anger increases.
"I want the house," she insists, pressing her luck.
Again the husband speeds up to eighty mph.
She says, "I want the car, too," but he just drives faster and faster.
By now he's up to ninety mph. "All right," she says, "I want the bank accounts, and all the credit cards, too."
The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge.
This makes her a bit nervous, so she says, "Isn't there anything you want?"
The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need."
"Oh, really," she says, "So what have you got?"
Right before they slam into the wall at a 100 mph, the husband smiles and says,...
"The airbag."
The wife suddenly looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 20 years, but I want a divorce."
The husband says nothing, but slowly increases speed to 70 mph.
She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you are."
Again the husband stays quiet, but speeds up as his anger increases.
"I want the house," she insists, pressing her luck.
Again the husband speeds up to eighty mph.
She says, "I want the car, too," but he just drives faster and faster.
By now he's up to ninety mph. "All right," she says, "I want the bank accounts, and all the credit cards, too."
The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge.
This makes her a bit nervous, so she says, "Isn't there anything you want?"
The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need."
"Oh, really," she says, "So what have you got?"
Right before they slam into the wall at a 100 mph, the husband smiles and says,...
"The airbag."
A man was walking along a Florida beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it, and out popped a genie.
The genie said, "OK, You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month, and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three... You only get one wish!"
The man sat, and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I'm scared to fly, and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"
The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible!!!
Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete -- how much steel!! No, think of another wish."
The man said, "OK, I'll try to think of a really good wish."
Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive.
So, I wish that I could understand women, know how they feel inside, and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment. Know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say "nothing,", know how to make them truly happy."
The genie said, "Do you want that bridge to be two lanes or four?"
The genie said, "OK, You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month, and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three... You only get one wish!"
The man sat, and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I'm scared to fly, and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"
The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible!!!
Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete -- how much steel!! No, think of another wish."
The man said, "OK, I'll try to think of a really good wish."
Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive.
So, I wish that I could understand women, know how they feel inside, and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment. Know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say "nothing,", know how to make them truly happy."
The genie said, "Do you want that bridge to be two lanes or four?"
One Day, at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skintight miniskirt.
When the bus arrived, and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight that she couldn't get her foot high enough to reach the step.
Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reaches back and unzipps her skirt a little.
She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reaches back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn't reach the step.
So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reaches back and unzips her skirt all the way.
Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifts up her leg only to realize that she still couldn't reach the step.
So, seeing how embarrased the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus.
The girl turns around furiously and says, “How dare you touch my body that way, I don't even know you!”
Shocked, the man says, “Well, ma'am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends.”
When the bus arrived, and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight that she couldn't get her foot high enough to reach the step.
Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reaches back and unzipps her skirt a little.
She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reaches back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn't reach the step.
So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reaches back and unzips her skirt all the way.
Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifts up her leg only to realize that she still couldn't reach the step.
So, seeing how embarrased the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus.
The girl turns around furiously and says, “How dare you touch my body that way, I don't even know you!”
Shocked, the man says, “Well, ma'am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends.”
Blonde in a snow storm:
It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the little blond got off work. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home. She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation.
She finally remembered her daddy's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in a snow drift. That made her feel much better and sure enough in a little while a snow plow went by and she started to follow it.
As she followed the snow plow she was feeling very smug as they continued and she was not having any problems with the blizzard conditions. After quite sometime had passed she was somewhat surprised when the snowplow stopped and the driver got out and came back to her car and signaled for her to roll her window down.
The driver wanted to know if she was alright as she had been following him for a long time. She said that she was fine and told him of her daddy's advice to follow a snow plow when caught in a blizzard.
The driver said that it was OK with him and she could continue if she wanted, but he was done with the Walmart parking lot and was going over to K-mart next.
It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the little blond got off work. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home. She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation.
She finally remembered her daddy's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in a snow drift. That made her feel much better and sure enough in a little while a snow plow went by and she started to follow it.
As she followed the snow plow she was feeling very smug as they continued and she was not having any problems with the blizzard conditions. After quite sometime had passed she was somewhat surprised when the snowplow stopped and the driver got out and came back to her car and signaled for her to roll her window down.
The driver wanted to know if she was alright as she had been following him for a long time. She said that she was fine and told him of her daddy's advice to follow a snow plow when caught in a blizzard.
The driver said that it was OK with him and she could continue if she wanted, but he was done with the Walmart parking lot and was going over to K-mart next.
scouser
Registered User.
- Local time
- Today, 10:28
- Joined
- Nov 25, 2003
- Messages
- 767
You just gotta laugh!!
A women lives at home with her only son Nigel and never wants him to leave so she tells him never to go near girls as they have got teeth down below. A few years pass and the lad reaches puberty so again the mother warns him never to go near girls as they have got teeth down below.The lad finally meets a girl (Kate) to the dismay of his mother, but after going out with her for six months he has yet to make sexual advances.
Kate: Nigel don't you fancy me?
Nigel: Of course I do Kate
Kate: Well why have you never attempted to get me into bed?
Nigel: It's a bit embarrassing to be honest, but my mum told me that you girls have teeth down below.
Kate: "Don't be silly", and with that she proceeded to remove her clothes. "Have a look for yourself, there's no teeth down there."
Nigel bends to look between her legs and replies,
"I'm not bloody surprised look at the state of your gums!
A women lives at home with her only son Nigel and never wants him to leave so she tells him never to go near girls as they have got teeth down below. A few years pass and the lad reaches puberty so again the mother warns him never to go near girls as they have got teeth down below.The lad finally meets a girl (Kate) to the dismay of his mother, but after going out with her for six months he has yet to make sexual advances.
Kate: Nigel don't you fancy me?
Nigel: Of course I do Kate
Kate: Well why have you never attempted to get me into bed?
Nigel: It's a bit embarrassing to be honest, but my mum told me that you girls have teeth down below.
Kate: "Don't be silly", and with that she proceeded to remove her clothes. "Have a look for yourself, there's no teeth down there."
Nigel bends to look between her legs and replies,
"I'm not bloody surprised look at the state of your gums!
Similar threads
