What's your best/worst joke?

[Jacob Mathai]

Funny one liners

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former. " - Albert Einstein

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living; the world owes you nothing; it was here first. - Mark Twain [Samuel Langhorne Clemens]

Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others. - Groucho Marx

Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions. - Woody Allen

A jury consists of twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer. - Robert Frost

All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific. - Jane Wagner

There are three kinds of lies; lies, damned lies and statistics. - Benjamin Disraeli
It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech. - Mark Twain [Samuel Langhorne Clemens]

Experience is that marvellous thing that enables you recognize a mistake when you make it again. - F. P. Jones

 

[oldozziesubby]

Wiremu, a New Zealander, was in Australia to watch the upcoming Rugby World Cup and was not feeling well, so he decided to see a doctor. "Hey doc, I dun't feel so good, eh" said Wiremu.

The doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed Wiremu that he had long existing and advanced prostate problems and that the only cure was testicular removal. "No way doc" replied Wiremu "I'm gitting a sicond opinion eh!".

The second Aussie doctor gave Wiremu the same diagnosis and also advised him that testicular removal was the only cure. Not surprisingly, Wiremu refused the treatment. Wiremu was devastated, but with the Rugby World Cup just around the corner he found an expat Kiwi doctor and decided to get one last opinion from someone he could trust.

The Kiwi doctor examined him and said: "Wiremu bro, you huv Prostate suckness eh". "What's the cure thin doc?" asked Wiremu hoping for a different answer. "Wull, Wiremu", said the Kiwi doctor "Wi'regonna huv to cut off your balls." "Phew, thunk god for thut!" said Wiremu, "those Aussie bustards wanted to take my test tickets off me!"

 

[oldozziesubby]

Dennis Penberthy, an elderly Cornish farmer, received a letter from the
Department for Work & Pensions, stating that they suspected he was not
paying his employees enough and they would send an inspector to
interview them. On the appointed day, the inspector turned up.


"Tell me about your staff," he asked Penberthy.

"Well," said Penberthy, "there's the farm hand. I pay him £240 a week,
and he has a free cottage.

Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free
board and lodging.

There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the
work, receives about £25 a week, along with a bottle of gin every week,
and, occasionally, gets to sleep with my wife."

"That's who I want to talk to," said the inspector, “the half-wit."


"That'll be me then," said Penberthy.

 

[oldozziesubby]

COMPLAINTS TO COUNCILS IN BRITAIN
For some, the art of letter writing is a skill never mastered. The following are extracts from various complaints and requests made by tenants who fall into that category...

- It's the dog's mess that I find hard to swallow.
- I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
- I wish to complain that my father twisted his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
- Their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
- I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off.
- My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
- I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
- Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
- I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
- 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just plain filthy.
- I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.
- The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
- Will you please send a man to look at my water. It is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
- Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces.
- I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6am his **** wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.
- The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
- Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.
- I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.
- Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.
- I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.
- This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.
- My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.
- He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.

 

[Jacob Mathai]

A farmer and his wife went to a fair. The farmer was fascinated by the airplanes and asked a pilot how much a ride would cost. "$10 for 3 minutes," replied the pilot.

"That's too much," said the farmer.

The pilot thought for a second and then said, "I'll make you a deal. If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound, the ride will be free. But if you make a sound, you'll have to pay $10."

The farmer and his wife agreed and went for a wild ride. After they landed, the pilot said to the farmer, "I want to congratulate you for not making a sound. You are a brave man."

"Maybe so," said the farmer, "But I gotta tell ya, I almost screamed when my wife fell out."

 

[Jacob Mathai]

This is my father...


The telephone rings in the principal's office at a school.
"Hello, this is Dunn Elementary," answers the principal.
"Hi. Jimmy won't be able to come to school all next week," replies the voice.
"Well, what seems to be the problem with him?"
"We are all going on a family vacation," says the voice, "I hope it is all right."
"I guess that would be fine," says the principal. "May I ask who is calling?"
"Sure. This is my father!"

 

[Jacob Mathai]

Some examples of why the human race has probably evolved as far as possible. These are actual instruction labels on consumer goods:

On Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)

On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special!)

On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
(and that would be how?)

On some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
(But it's 'just' a suggestion!)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box)
Do not turn upside down.
(Too late! you lose!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.
(Are you sure? Let's experiment.)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
(But wouldn't that save more time?)
(Whose body?)

On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
(We could do a lot to reduce the construction accidents if we just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.)

On Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
(One would hope!)

On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning: keep out of children.
(hmm...something must have gotten lost in the translation...)

On a string of Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
(As opposed to use in outer space.)

On a food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.
(Now I'm curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.
(but no peas?)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
(somebody got paid big bucks to write this one...)

On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
(Raise your hand if you've tried this...)

On a child's Superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
(Oh go ahead! That's right, destroy a universal childhood belief.)

 

[Vassago]

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
(somebody got paid big bucks to write this one...)

I actually remember reading that and thinking about how clever it was.

 

[Jacob Mathai]

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define great, he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.
----------------------------------------------------------------------

A writer died and was given the option of going to heaven or hell.
She decided to check out each place first. As the writer descended into the fiery pits, she saw row upon row of writers chained to their desks in a steaming sweatshop. As they worked, they were repeatedly whipped with thorny lashes.

"Oh my," said the writer. "Let me see heaven now."

A few moments later, as she ascended into heaven, she saw rows of writers, chained to their desks in a steaming sweatshop. As they worked, they, too, were whipped with thorny lashes.
"Wait a minute," said the writer. "This is just as bad as hell!"
"Oh no, it's not," replied an unseen voice. "Here, your work gets published."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?"
She answered, "If I tell you, it will defeat the purpose."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter.

The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.

 

[Jacob Mathai]

Patient: Doctor, what I need is something to stir me up; something to put me in a fighting mood. Did you put something like that in this prescription? Doctor: No need for that. You will find that in your bill.

 

[Jacob Mathai]

Two old men had been best friends for years, and they both live to their early 90's, when one of them suddenly falls deathly ill. His friend comes to visit him on his deathbed, and they're reminiscing about their long friendship, when the dying man's friend asks, "Listen, when you die, do me a favor. I want to know if there's baseball in heaven."

The dying man said, "We've been friends for years, this I'll do for you." And then he dies.

A couple days later, his surviving friend is sleeping when he hears his friend's voice. The voice says, "I've got some good news and some bad news. The good news is that there's baseball in heaven."

"What's the bad news?"

"You're pitching on Wednesday."

------

A guy takes his blonde girlfriend to a football game for the first time.

After the game he asked his girlfriend how she liked the game.

Oh, I really liked it, she said, but I just couldn't understand though why they were beating each other up for 25 cents.

Suprised, the boyfriend asked, what do you mean?

The blonde girlfriend replied, all they kept screaming was: "Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!"

 

[The_Doc_Man]

Jacob:

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
(somebody got paid big bucks to write this one...)

You realize, of course, that the person who wrote those instructions permanently disqualified himself from government service... Instructions short and to the point? That simply cannot be allowed. Talk about a career-shortening move!

 

[Galaxiom]

Jacob: Instructions short and to the point? That simply cannot be allowed.

Proper Instructions:

1. Rotate bag until the "Top" symbol is upright.
2. Locate "Tear Here" indicator.
3. Grasp either side of indicator between fingers on each hand.
4. Check Top symbol is still upright.
5. Move hands in opposite direction until packet tears.
6. Release small part of packet ensuring it is thoughtfull disposed.
7. Open free hand and place below packet.
8. Rotate packet until some nuts are released into hand.
9. Open mouth.
10. Move hand to mouth and insert nuts.
11. Close mouth.
12. Move lower jaw up.
13. Move lower jaw down.
14. Repeat steps 12 and 13 until nuts fully mascerated.
15. Swallow.
16. Repeat steps 8 to 15 until all nuts are consumed.
17. Dispose of packet thoughtfully.

But of course it fails too because it didn't warn the consumer to first seek medical assessment to ensure they were not allergic to nuts.

It should have also included instructions on how to deal with anaphalaxis in case of allergy, treatment of choking and advice about the nutrition.

By this time the packet is about a foot square with text covering both sides even though it only contains twenty nuts. Consequently it now must warn about the packet being an asphyxiation hazard to children.

 

[TessB]

By this time the packet is about a foot square with text covering both sides even though it only contains twenty nuts.

Is there some law in Australia that says the words must be large enough to read? In America, they wouldn't necessarily make the bag any bigger at all.

 

[Jacob Mathai]

Goes Fishing

A woman wanted to go ice fishing, so after getting all of the
right tools, she headed toward the nearest frozen lake. After
getting comfy on her stool she started to cut a circular hole in
the ice.

Then from the heavens a voice boomed, ''THERE ARE NO
FISH UNDER THE ICE.'' Startled, the woman moved further down the
ice, poured a thermos of hot chocolate and started to cut yet
another hole in the ice.
The voice boomed, ''THERE ARE NO FISH
UNDER THE ICE.'' This time quite scared, the woman moved to the
far end of the ice. Then she started another hole and once again
the voice said, ''THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.''

The very scared lady raised her head and said, ''Is that you, Lord?''
The voice answered, ''NO. IT IS THE MANAGER OF THE ICE RINK.''

 

[Jacob Mathai]

Only on an American airline...

All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in flight
"safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are
some real examples that have been heard or reported:

1. On a Southwest flight 245 (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit
where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing,
when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking
out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"

2. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew,
the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will
be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance
the appearance of your flight attendants."

3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your
belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's
something we'd like to have."

4. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways
out of this airplane"

5. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a
lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis,
a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care
when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that,
sure as hell everything has shifted."

8. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight
245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the
buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you
don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public
unsupervised."

9. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend
from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your
face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask
before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small
child, pick your favorite."

10. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds,
but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember,
nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

11. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our
compliments."

12. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.
Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight
attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

13. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is
pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry.
Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake
City the flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a
bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't
the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."

15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a
particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the
Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the
Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

16. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing:
"We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

17 An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no,Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"

18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came
on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt.
Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the
gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are
silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the
wreckage to the terminal."

19. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to
thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the
insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we
hope you'll think of US Airways"

20. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you
wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if
you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

21. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a
comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over
the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome
to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather
ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight.
Now sit back and relax.. OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few
minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and
Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking
to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in
my lap You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled,
"That's nothing. You should see the back of mine."

 

[Kinger43]

Proper Instructions:

14. Repeat steps 12 and 13 until nuts fully mascerated.

Also, the person needing to read these instructions wouldn't understand the word "mascerated." They'd be wondering how the nuts were going to put on costumes in their mouth.

 

[statsman]

Two old friends are out hunting. One of them received a new telescopic scope for his rifle for Christmas.

As they are sitting in their deer blind, the owner of the new sight is looking through it at various things. Suddenly he turns to his friend and says I can see your house from here. No way his buddy replies. Yes says the sightman and I can also see that your wife is cheating on you. That lousy woman...do me a favour, shoot her in the head and shoot the man in the genitals.

Hell, I can do that with one shot.

 

[Rich]

Paddy and Mick are walking down a street in London .



>Paddy looks in a shop windows and sees a sign that catches his eye.



>



>The sign said: "Suits £5.00 each, Shirts £2.00 each, Trousers £2.50
per pair

>"



>



>Paddy says to his pal, "Mick, look! We could buy a whole lot of dose,
and

>when we get back to Ireland we could make a fookin' fortune. Now when
we go

>into the shop, you be quiet, OK? Just let me do all the talking,
cause if

>they hear our accent, they might not be nice to us. I'll speak in my
best

>English accent."



>



>"Roight y'are, Paddy, I'll keep me mouth shut, so I will," replies
Mick.



>



>They go in and Paddy says, "I'll take 50 suits at £5.00 each, 100
shirts at

>£2.00 each and 50 pairs of trousers at £2.50 each. I'll back up my van
and..

>"



>



>The owner of the shop interrupts. "You're from Ireland , aren't you?"



>



>"Well... Yes," says a surprised Paddy. "How der hell d' y' know dat?"



>



>The owner replied, "This is a dry cleaners.

 

[Jacob Mathai]

Delta Airlines

At the airport for a trip, I settled down to wait for the boarding
announcement at Gate 35. Then I heard the voice on the public address
system saying,

"We apologize for the inconvenience, but Delta Flight 570 will board
from Gate 41."

So my family picked up our luggage and carried it over to Gate 41.

Not ten minutes later the public address voice told us that Flight 570
would in fact be boarding from Gate 35. So again we gathered our
carry-on luggage and returned to the original gate.

Just as we were settling down, the public address voice spoke "Thank
You for participating in Delta's physical fitness program.