What's your best/worst joke?

[GaryPanic]

aah -I could be in trouble ..........



I've just come out of the shop with a meat and potatoe pie, large chips,
mushy peas & a jumbo sausage.
A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days'
I told him 'I wish I had your will power'

A woman buys a wall mirror from B&Q.
The manager says 'Would you like a screw for that mirror'
She said 'No, but I'd suck your **** for a lawn mower'.

Top tip; if your camping in the summer and the attractive girl in the
next tent tells you that because it's so hot she will be sleeping with
her flaps open, it's not necessarily an invitation to casual sex.........
Wish me luck, I appear in court next Monday.

I got fired on my first day as a male masseuse today.. Apparently the
instruction ' finish off on her face ' didn't mean what I thought it did.

A fat bird served me food in McDonalds at lunch time, she said '
Sorry about the wait '
I said ' Don't worry you fat bitch, you'll lose it eventually '

Paddy is walking down the road eating a bag of doughnuts.
Murphy meets him & says ' If I can guess how many doughnuts you have
in the bag, can I have one?
Paddy said ' If you can guess how many doughnuts are in there you can
have both of them!! '...............
Murphy says 'Four!'

Snow eh! The weather girl said she was expecting 8 inches tonight,
I thought to myself ' She'll be lucky with a face like that!'

I have a new chat up line that works everytime!! It doesn't matter
how gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a
winner and I always end up in bed with them..............
Here's how it goes 'Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion?
Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?'

Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away,
but since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon
sandwich works a treat!

 

[Rich]

Five Germans were touring Ireland in an Audi Quattro when they were pulled over by an Irish Cop.
The driver ran the window down and asked the policeman what the problem was.
The cop told him he had one two many passengers in the car and so he was arresting him.
The driver said that he must have got things wrong as this car was made to take five people not just four.
The cop however was adamant that it was not and pointed out that the very name 'Quattro' clearly indicated the situation.
The driver was not very happy about this logic and asked to see the cop's superior.
However the cop replied that this would not be possible as his seargent was at that very minute in the process of arresting two italians who were driving a Fiat Uno.

 

[Rich]

How fast can you guess these words?

1. BOO_S
2. _ _NDOM
3. F_ _K
4. P_N_S
5. PU_S_
6. S_X


































Answers:
1. BOOKS
2. RANDOM
3. FORK
4. PANTS
5. PULSE
6. SIX

You got all 6 wrong....didn’t' t you?

 

[MSAccessRookie]

Too bad you didn't save the answers for another post either later today or tomorrow. The fact is that I got all six right, but I did come up with some different answers:

BOOTS
FANDOM
FORK
PINTS
PURSE
SIX

 

[ChipperT]

Too bad you didn't save the answers for another post either later today or tomorrow. The fact is that I got all six right, but I did come up with some different answers:

BOOTS
FANDOM
FORK
PINTS
PURSE
SIX

And I came up with BOOMS, PUNTS and SAX

 

[The_Doc_Man]

Oh, Jacob, that's too true to be good.

Have you seen the "Swamp People" show on the History Channel? You would meet some real "Boudreaux" and "Fontenot" and "Thibadaux" types.

Note for those who watch the show and wonder about it: According to my wife, who IS a Cajun, those guys are doing the exact same thing her grandfather did except their boats are made of aluminum and their guns use modern smokeless ammo. But they still catch, skin, and otherwise process the gators as her granddad did it.

 

[Vassago]

Oh, Jacob, that's too true to be good.

Have you seen the "Swamp People" show on the History Channel? You would meet some real "Boudreaux" and "Fontenot" and "Thibadaux" types.

Note for those who watch the show and wonder about it: According to my wife, who IS a Cajun, those guys are doing the exact same thing her grandfather did except their boats are made of aluminum and their guns use modern smokeless ammo. But they still catch, skin, and otherwise process the gators as her granddad did it.

Still not as scary as the Feral kid specials.

 

[Rabbie]

Ode to spell checkers

I have a spelling checker
I disk covered four my PC.
It plane lee marks four my revue
Miss steaks aye can knot see.

Eye ran this poem threw it.
Your sure real glad two no.
Its very polished in its weigh,
My checker tolled me sew.

A checker is a blessing.
It freeze yew lodes of thyme.
It helps me right awl stiles two reed,
And aides me when aye rime.

Each frays comes posed up on my screen
Eye trussed too bee a joule.
The checker pours o'er every word
To cheque sum spelling rule.

Bee fore wee rote with checkers
Hour spelling was inn deck line,
Butt now when wee dew have a laps,
Wee are not maid too wine.

And now bee cause my spelling
Is checked with such grate flare,
There are know faults in awl this peace,
Of nun eye am a wear.

To rite with care is quite a feet
Of witch won should be proud,
And wee mussed dew the best wee can,
Sew flaws are knot aloud.

That's why eye brake in two averse
Cuz Eye dew want too please.
Sow glad eye yam that aye did bye
This soft wear four pea seas.

 

[oumahexi]

Answers:
1. BOOKS
2. RANDOM
3. FORK
4. PANTS
5. PULSE
6. SIX

You got all 6 wrong....didn’t' t you?

Strangely I only got the last one wrong...

 

[MSAccessRookie]

What did the woman say to Gary Glitter at the beach?

You're in my sun

I'm sorry (and I know that I am only a Yank), but the joke did not make sense to me even after I read the story of his current problems.

Did the word "sun" in the punchline refer to the Brirish newspaper that has been publishing the story of his "problems", is it a poke at his "son" that he is currently not alowed to see anymore, or is it something else?

 

[scott-atkinson]

I'm sorry (and I know that I am only a Yank), but the joke did not make sense to me even after I read the story of his current problems.

Did the word "sun" in the punchline refer to the Brirish newspaper that has been publishing the story of his "problems", is it a poke at his "son" that he is currently not alowed to see anymore, or is it something else?

Unfortunately it was none of those, the author was being lewd and perverse and pertaining that Mr Glitter was actually having sex with a young boy...

Not very funny at all...

 

[Rabbie]

Not very funny at all...

The thread title is "What's your best/worst joke?" and Bazoo's effort was IMHO the worst I've seen for a long while

 

[Alc]

Unfortunately it was none of those, the author was being lewd and perverse and pertaining that Mr Glitter was actually having sex with a young boy...

Not very funny at all...

No, but no worse than any of the Michael Jackson gags that did the rounds.

 

[MSAccessRookie]

Breaking News:


Police in Liverpool have just announced the discovery of an arms cache of 2000 semi automatic rifles with 250,000 rounds of ammunition, 10 anti-tank missiles, 4 grenade launchers, 20 tonnes of heroin, £50 million in forged UK banknotes and 25 trafficked Ukrainian prostitutes all in a semi- detached house behind the Public Library in Toxteth.

Local residents were stunned.

A community spokesman said:

"We're shocked. We never knew we had a library!!"

 

[Adam Caramon]

Hopefully this one hasn't been told before, but I can't find any easy way of searching this thread:

Something my grandfather once told me:

"For a man to be truly happy, he needs a woman who will clean the house...a woman who cooks him dinner...a woman who pleases him in the bedroom. And he has to make SURE that none of those women meet each other."

 

[namliam]

Any happy woman needs 4 animals:

A fox in her wardrobe (you know fury things)
A jaguar in the garage
A tiger in bed
A mule to pay for it all (Mule as in a reference to an idiot)

It loses some in translation sadly

 

[Brianwarnock]

Any happy woman needs 4 animals:

A fox in her wardrobe (you know fury things)
A jaguar in the garage
A tiger in bed
A mule to pay for it all (Mule as in a reference to an idiot)

It loses some in translation sadly

Not really even if the English version uses Ass instead of mule.

Brian

 

[Brianwarnock]

Breaking News:


Police in Liverpool have just announced the discovery of an arms cache of 2000 semi automatic rifles with 250,000 rounds of ammunition, 10 anti-tank missiles, 4 grenade launchers, 20 tonnes of heroin, £50 million in forged UK banknotes and 25 trafficked Ukrainian prostitutes all in a semi- detached house behind the Public Library in Toxteth.

Local residents were stunned.

A community spokesman said:

"We're shocked. We never knew we had a library!!"

I like the joke but just for the record I think that what is now Toxteth had the first public library in England on the junction of windsor and parliament streets.

Brian

 

[Pauldohert]

I like the joke but just for the record I think that what is now Toxteth had the first public library in England on the junction of windsor and parliament streets.

Brian

There seems to have been an early public lending library on Duke Street (on the edge of Toxteth) and also a Liverpool Subscription Library which I'm not sure where it was before moving to the Lyceum in 1800 ish.

Toxteth library is a reasonably old municipal library. ON the site you refer to.



http://www.liverpoolecho.co.uk/live...at-heart-of-s1million-revamp-100252-25382867/

L8 has another municipal library on Lodge Lane.

 

[Jacob Mathai]

A big shot city lawyer and an old country farmer got into a car wreck. They both got out of their cars to survey the damage. After looking over the lawyer in his $1,000 suit, the farmer walked back to his car, got out a bottle, and brought it back.
He handed it to the lawyer, and said, "Here, you look pretty shook up. I think you ought to take a nip of this. It'll steady your nerves."
The lawyer did.
The farmer said, "You still look a little bit pale. How about another?" And the lawyer took another swallow.
At the urging of the farmer, he took another, and another, and another.
Finally, the lawyer said he was feeling pretty good, and asked the farmer if he didn't think that he ought to have a little nip, too.
"Not me", the farmer replied. "I'm waiting for the state trooper."
--------------------------------------------------------------


A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.
Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the woman behind the wheel was knitting!
The trooper cranked down his window and yelled, "PULL OVER!"
"No," the woman yelled back, "It's a scarf!"
------------------------------------------

WIFE: "There's trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor."
HUSBAND: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous."
WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."
HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out.
Where's the car?"
WIFE: "In the pool."
-----------------------------------
In a muffler shop:
"No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."