What's your best/worst joke?

[Pauldohert]

Three Americans and three scousers are travelling by train. At the station, the three Americans each buy tickets and watch as the three scousers buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked an American. "Watch" answers a scouser. They all board the train. The Americans take their respective seats but all three scousers cram into the toilet and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train departs, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The Americans saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So, on the return trip, the Americans decide to copy the scousers on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the scousers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket," asks one perplexed American. "Watch" says a scouser. When they board the train the three Americans cram into a toilet and the three scousers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the scousers leaves his toilet and walks over to the toilet where the Americans are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please".

 

[Jacob Mathai]

Supposedly, these are actual advertisements that have appeared in papers across the country

Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.

A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.

Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.

For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.

Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.

We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

 

[Groundrush]

Department for Work & Pensions

Dennis Penberthy, an elderly Cornish farmer, received a letter from the
Department for Work & Pensions, stating that they suspected he was not
paying his employees enough and they would send an inspector to
interview them. On the appointed day, the inspector turned up.


"Tell me about your staff," he asked Penberthy.


"Well," said Penberthy, "there's the farm hand. I pay him £240 a week,
and he has a free cottage.


Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free
board and lodging.


There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the
work, receives about £25 a week, along with a bottle of gin every week,
and, occasionally, gets to sleep with my wife."

"That's who I want to talk to," said the inspector, “the half-wit."


"That'll be me then," said Penberthy.

 

[ChipperT]

Re: Department for Work & Pensions

Dennis Penberthy, an elderly Cornish farmer, received a letter from the
Department for Work & Pensions, stating that they suspected he was not
paying his employees enough and they would send an inspector to
interview them. On the appointed day, the inspector turned up.


"Tell me about your staff," he asked Penberthy.


"Well," said Penberthy, "there's the farm hand. I pay him £240 a week,
and he has a free cottage.


Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free
board and lodging.


There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the
work, receives about £25 a week, along with a bottle of gin every week,
and, occasionally, gets to sleep with my wife."

"That's who I want to talk to," said the inspector, “the half-wit."


"That'll be me then," said Penberthy.

Good one! Thanks for the laugh!

 

[oldozziesubby]

Paddy is passing by Mick's hay shed one day when through a gap in the door he sees Mick doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old red Massey Ferguson.

Buttocks clenched he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first the right welly, followed by the left.

He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move lets his braces fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips over his corduroy trousers.

Grabbing both sides of his checked shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his tea stained vest underneath and with a final flourish he hurls his flat cap on to a pile of hay.

"What on earth are you doing Mick" says Paddy. "Jeez Paddy, ye frightened the livin' bejesus out of me" says an obviously embarrassed. Mick, "but me and the Missus been having some trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the Therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor.

 

[Pauldohert]

A South African, an Aussie and a Londoner were sitting in a pub having a pint of beer.

The South African grabs his beer downs it, tosses his glass into the air, draws a handgun and shoots the glass in mid-air. He grins to the other two, puts the gun down on the bar and says

"In Souff Efrika we haf so many glasses we never drink out of the same glass twice".

The Aussie then downs his beer throws his glass into the air, grabs the gun off the bar, shoots the glass, puts the gun back on the bar and proclaims;

"Ay mate, in Oz we have so much sand which makes glass really cheap so we too never drink out of the same glass twice".

The Londoner looks at the two of them, finishes his beer, puts the glass down on the bar, picks up the gun, shoots both the Aussie and the South African and says;

"In London we have so many South Africans and Aussies that we never have to drink with the same one twice.

 

[Pauldohert]

Two boys are playing football in the park when one of them is attacked by a rottweiler. Thinking quickly, his friend rips a plank of wood from a fence, forces it into the dog's collar and twists it, breaking the dog's neck. All the while, a newspaper reporter who was taking a stroll through the park is watching. He rushes over, introduces himself and takes out his pad and pencil to start his story for the next edition. He writes, "Manchester City fan saves friend from vicious animal." The boy interrupts: "But I'm not a
City fan." The reporter starts again: "Manchester United fan saves friend from horrific attack." The boy interrupts again: "I'm not a United fan either." The reporter asks: "Who do you support, then?" "Liverpool," replies the boy. So the reporter starts again: "Scouse b*****d kills family pet"

 

[Pauldohert]

I turned on the news yesterday to see a picture of Margaret Thatcher, which quickly moved images of miners celebrating, and then that quickly changed to scousers celebrating.

Has she died?

 

[MSAccessRookie]

Not sure where your loyalties lie (you posted here and not the Politics Forum), but I did find this?

http://www.businessweek.com/news/20...er-too-ill-to-attend-85th-birthday-party.html

 

[jamesmor]

Frappé - the sound a frenchman's butt makes when he farts

Frappé Mocha - same sound, but an added bit of "chocolate"

 

[Pauldohert]

A man walks into a library and asks the lady behind the counter "have you got that book on small cocks"?
i don't think its in yet, she says "yep, thats the one" he replies

 

[mwabbe]

Where does a fish keep all of its money?
.
.
At the riverbank!
--------------------------------------
What kind of fish does a parrot sit on?
.
.
A Perch!
---------------------------------------
A man is sitting in his recliner looking at his wedding certificate for over an hour
His wife comes in and says "honey what are you doing, you've been looking at that for over an hour."
He says "I can't find the expiration date."

 

[Rabbie]

Don't steal, don't lie, don't cheat, don't sell drugs. The government hates competition!

 

[TessB]

Just wanted to let you all know that this is the thread I look forward to reading the most. Please don't stop posting jokes. They make my day.

Thank you to everyone who takes the time to share laughter.

 

[Jacob Mathai]

A drunkard was brought to court.
Just before the trial there was a commotion in the gallery.
The judge pounded the gravel on his table and shouted, "Order, order."
The drunkard immediately responded, "Thank you, your honor, I'll have a scotch and soda."

 

[TessB]

A group of 40 year old girlfriends discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the waiters there had tight pants and nice buns.

10 years later at 50 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at
the Ocean View restaurant because the food there was very good and the wine selection was good also.

10 years later at 60 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they could eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean.

10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the restaurant was wheel chair accessible and they even had an elevator.

10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they had never been there before.

 

[TessB]

Paul and Tammy get married but couldn't afford a honeymoon - so they go back to Paul's Mum and Dad's house for their first night together. In the morning Johnny - Paul's little brother - gets up and has his breakfast.
As he is going out of the door to go to school - he asks his mum if Paul and Tammy are up yet.
She replies - No.
Johnny asks - Do you know what I think ?
His mum replies - I don't want to hear what you think ! Just go to school.
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mum -
Are Paul and Tammy up yet ?
She replies - No.
Johnny says - Do you know what I think ?
His mum replies - Never mind what you think !
Eat your lunch and go back to school ...
After school - Johnny comes home and asks again -
Are Paul and Tammy up yet ?
His mum says - No.
He asks - Do you know what I think ?
His mum replies - Ok - now tell me what you think
He says - Last night Paul came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue.

 

[TessB]

Hung Chow calls his work and says, 'Hey, I no come wok today, I really sick . Got headache, stomach ache and legs
hurt, I no come wok.'
The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to give me Sex. That Makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what You say and I feel Great. I be at wok soon........You got nice house'.

 

[Jacob Mathai]

This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his home town for the holidays. After looking over the menu he says, 'I'll just have the eggs Benedict.' His order comes a while later and it's served on a huge, fancy chrome plate. He asks the waiter, 'What's with the fancy plate?' The waiter replies,

'There's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise.'

 

[oldozziesubby]

A rich man living in Darwin decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours. He also invited Geoffrey, the only aboriginal in the neighbourhood.

He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, and eating prawns, oysters and BBQ.

At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 15ft man-eating crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in."

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Geoffrey in the pool!

Geoffrey was fighting the croc and kicking its ass! He was jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of shit, like head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on the tail and flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor. The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Geoffrey and the croc were screaming and raising hell.

Finally Geoffrey strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a dead goldfish. Geoffrey then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in awe. Finally the host says, "Well, Geoffrey, I reckon I owe you a million dollars."Nah, you all right boss, I don't want it," said Geoffrey. The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something, you won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?" No thanks. I don't want it," answered Geoffrey. The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche? A Rolex? Some stock options?" Again Geoffrey said "No."

Confused, the rich man asked, "Well Geoffrey, then what do you want?" Geoffrey said, "I want the name of the bastard that pushed me in the pool.