What's your best/worst joke?

[Jacob Mathai]

Life Insurance

Mary was discussing the various aspects and possible outcome of the insurance policy with the clerk at the Insurance Agency.

During the discussion, she asked. "Suppose I take the life insurance for my husband today for a million dollars, and tomorrow he dies? What will I get?"

The clerk eyed her suspiciously and replied, "Probably a life sentence."

 

[Jacob Mathai]

Answering machine messages:

Drawling granny voice: Way back inna winner of fifty-two, we didn' have fanshy gadjets like no ansherin' machine. You jusht had to call and call until shummbody got home. Now, shum people, dey shay dey don' like 'em, but I shay it'll shave you a lotta trouble if you jusht leave a meshage. Thanksh a lot.

Prepare for alpha test of Beep Software revision 1.05. Counting down to test: 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...

Hello. I'm David's answering machine. What are you?

Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

Hello, this is Ron's toaster. Ron's new answering machine is in the shop for repairs, so please leave your message when the toast is done... (Cachunk!)

Hi, you've reached the home of George Ledec. If you are calling to collect a student loan, gambling debt, or other obligation, please press 1 and hang up now. If you are selling any product or service, or requesting charitable donations, please press 2 and hang up now. Otherwise, press 3 and leave your message now. Pressing 3 is optional.

 

[ChipperT]

Answering machine messages:

Drawling granny voice: Way back inna winner of fifty-two, we didn' have fanshy gadjets like no ansherin' machine. You jusht had to call and call until shummbody got home. Now, shum people, dey shay dey don' like 'em, but I shay it'll shave you a lotta trouble if you jusht leave a meshage. Thanksh a lot.

Prepare for alpha test of Beep Software revision 1.05. Counting down to test: 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...

Hello. I'm David's answering machine. What are you?

Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

Hello, this is Ron's toaster. Ron's new answering machine is in the shop for repairs, so please leave your message when the toast is done... (Cachunk!)

Hi, you've reached the home of George Ledec. If you are calling to collect a student loan, gambling debt, or other obligation, please press 1 and hang up now. If you are selling any product or service, or requesting charitable donations, please press 2 and hang up now. Otherwise, press 3 and leave your message now. Pressing 3 is optional.

My answering machine message: "Whadda YOU want?!?"

 

[Jacob Mathai]

A Cajun joke

Quibodeaux, Thibodeaux and Boudreaux were sitting in a boat on a very cloudy day fishing. They had been fishing a good while when the sky suddenly opened up just above them and a ray of light shined down directly on the front of the boat. It spooked them and they started to get nervous. All of a sudden, they heard a voice from up above. "This is the Lord." They all looked at one another and begin saying, "I didn't do nothing, I didn't do nothing, I didn't do nothing." The Lord said, "Don't get nervous. I'm not here to pass judgment on you, I only want to grant each of you one healing wish." They all calmed down and Quibodeaux stood up in the boat. "As you already know Lord, I've been having this crick in the back of my neck for the past ten years and if you were to grant me a healing wish, that would be it." The Lord waved his hand and Quibodeaux started moving his neck freely. "Mais, that feels good. Thank you Lord, thank you," and he sat down. Thibodeaux stood up next. "You know Lord, that bum leg I've been having for the past fifteen years, you know how bad I limp, if you were to grant me one wish, that would be it." The Lord waved his hand and Thibodeaux immediately felt the limp leave his leg. "Oh thank you Lord, oh thank you, thank you." Before Thibodeaux could sit down, there was a big splash behind the boat. Both Quibodeaux and Thibodeaux looked behind themselves and see Boudreaux swimming away from the boat as fast as he could. Thibodeaux shouted, "Boudreaux, where you going? The Lord is not here to pass judgment on you, he's here to grant you a healing wish. You know that bad back of yours, he can heal it for you right here and now." Boudreaux hollered back, not missing a swim stride, "No, no, I don't want the Lord to heal me, I'll lose my disability check.

 

[ChipperT]

So Clearance and John live on either side of the river from each other and they fight constantly. Clearance is always throwing rocks or wood or just anything he can lift and throw over the river to hit John with. These two hav been bickering for years.
DOT comes along and puts up a sign that they were going to construct a bridge for this river. John says to his wife, "As soon as that bridge is built, I'm a go over there and kick CLearance's $%#%%#@*&* hillbilly butt!"
Finally the bridge gets constructed so John tells his wife, "OK Betty Sue. Keep supper warm. I'll be right back. This won't take but a half hour or so."
A few minutes later, John is back and Betty Sue asks, "That was no half hour. What happened? Didn't you kick Clearance's butt?"
John says, "No Betty Sue. From across the river Clearance looks like an average man. As soon as I got to the bridge, it said 'Clearance 8 feet 6 inches.' Dogonnit!"

 

[The_Doc_Man]

I can tell Cajun jokes because my wife IS Cajun, from Chac Bay just outside Thibadaux, Louisiana.

Boudreaux has been going to South Cajun U. just outside of Lafayette, Louisiana, for over 10 years. Everyone loves him because he is so honest, kind, and helpful. His problem is focus. He has been passing lots of courses but changes majors so often that he doesn't have enough credits in any one subject to earn a degree in it. The Dean of Student Affairs finally calls Boudreaux into the office to discuss the matter.

The Dean advises Boudreaux that if he can pass a test, the university will give him a general degree so he can leave. If he fails the test, he has to leave without a degree. Boudreaux reluctantly agrees.

Boudreaux studies in the library for weeks. Near the end of the term, the Dean calls Boudreaux to the athletic stadium. He says, "We are going to give you your test in public so your friends can cheer you on." Boudreaux thinks of the pressure in publicly failing, but what can he do? So he says, "OK."

The crowd starts cheering for their friend, because after 10 years, everybody knows Boudreaux. They all look up to him as a personal inspiration. The noise swells to a great crescendo of "You geaux, Bou-dreaux, you geaux, Bou-dreaux, you geaux, Bou-dreaux."

The Dean signals the crowd of students to be quiet. They settle down. In the sudden silence, he says, "Boudreaux, are you ready for the test?" Boudreaux nods. The Dean says, "Tell me, Boudreaux, how much is 1 + 1?"

Boudreaux looks up to the sky for inspiration, thinks for a long moment, and then says, "2."

The students in the stands start chanting immediately. "Give him another chance, give him another chance."

 

[Jacob Mathai]

Donkey raffle

A Cajun named Jean Paul moved to Texas and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, but I got some bad news. The donkey died.""Well then, just give me my money back.""Cain't do that. I went and spent it already.""OK then, just unload the donkey.""What ya gonna do with em.""I'm gonna raffle him off.""Ya cain't raffle off a dead donkey!""Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anyone he's dead."A month later the farmer met up with the Cajun and asked, "What happened with the dead donkey?""I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at $2.00 apiece and made a profit of $898.00.""Didn't no one complain?""Just the guy who won. So I gave him his $2.00 back."

 

[Rich]

This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters.

>

>

>

> Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion.
Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and
shivelling shot.

> At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered.The sugly isters
were right bugly astards. One wascalled Mary Hinge, and the other was
called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers;they had
fetty sweet and fatty swannies. The sugly isters had tickets to go to
the ball, but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go.

>

>

> Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared.
Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She
turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with
six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and digbicks. The gairy
fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise, there
would be a cucking falamity.

> At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when
suddenly the clock struck twelve. "Mist all chucking frighty!!!" said
Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks,so dropping
her slass glipper.

>

>

> The very next day, the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door
and the sugly isters let him in.. Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her
leg and let off a fig bart.. "Who's fust jarted?" asked the prandsome
hince. "Blame that fugly ucker over there!!" said Mary Hinge.

> When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper
on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking
funk.

> Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a
knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge
halls and

> a hig bard on. He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it
fitted pucking ferfectly.

> Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The pransome hince
lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a
follen swanny

 

[GaryPanic]

none of these is PC- but funny (no offensive menat)


I took a dyslexic bird home last night, and she ended up cooking my sock!


......

I believe its not so bad having dyslexia which is of course an anagram for daily sex!


....
oh yeah....but a also got a right beating last night by a 6ft 7in black bloke - all I said was "golly you're tall"

 

[TessB]

oh yeah....but a also got a right beating last night by a 6ft 7in black bloke - all I said was "golly you're tall"

I didn't get this one! Someone pm me and explain... lol

 

[Rabbie]

I didn't get this one! Someone pm me and explain... lol

It's a play on the word Golly which can just mean Gosh or Goodness but is also a short form of Golliwog which was a Black Ministrel doll.

 

[Uncle Gizmo]

I didn't get this one! Someone pm me and explain... lol

I realise you suggested A “pm” but I think this deserves a public airing.
The “humour” (no humour there now) is supposed to come from the use of the term “golly”

A “Gollywog” was a harmless child’s toy, however because it was black, the term came to be used to describe a black person in a negative way, an insult, possibly something worse if there is such a thing.

You may also have heard of the term “Wog” which I suspect derives from the same toys name.


From Wikipedia “Gollywog”:
it has been described as the least known of the major anti-black caricatures in the United States.[1]

The reason I thought this deserved a public airing is because of the fact that you did not get the joke, I am very pleased that you did not get it, it is direct confirmation of the fact that society is changing for the better.

My assumption is that you are of the younger generation, and the thought that you are in any way different from a “black person” would never even have crossed your mind.

 

[Galaxiom]

A “Gollywog” was a harmless child’s toy, however because it was black, the term came to be used to describe a black person in a negative way, an insult, possibly something worse if there is such a thing.

Until the 1960s children often had a "gollywog" among their toys and thought little of it.

I recall the Noddy stories by Enid Blyton. The original versions included Mr Golly. He owned a garage where Noddy had his car repaired. That was tame compared to "The Gollies" who were the villians of ToyLand.

The books ultimately encountered many problems with what some would describe as political correctness up to downright racism with "The Gollies".

Noddy was described in places as "a queer little man". He regularly shared a bed with his best friend "Big Ears" who sometimes "woke up feeling a little queer".

Noddy didn't get along wery well with Mr Plod the policemean and actually drove over him at least one but never seemed to get charged.

 

[Galaxiom]

Sadly, the whole golliwog phenomenon has led to black dolls in the posession of a white child often being taken as politically incorrect.

My granddaughter has one. It was made specially for her by a frizzy haired Pacific Islander who said that anyone who had a problem with it was a racist.

 

[TessB]

I realise you suggested A “pm” but I think this deserves a public airing.
The “humour” (no humour there now) is supposed to come from the use of the term “golly”

A “Gollywog” was a harmless child’s toy, however because it was black, the term came to be used to describe a black person in a negative way, an insult, possibly something worse if there is such a thing.

You may also have heard of the term “Wog” which I suspect derives from the same toys name.


From Wikipedia “Gollywog”:
it has been described as the least known of the major anti-black caricatures in the United States.[1]

The reason I thought this deserved a public airing is because of the fact that you did not get the joke, I am very pleased that you did not get it, it is direct confirmation of the fact that society is changing for the better.

My assumption is that you are of the younger generation, and the thought that you are in any way different from a “black person” would never even have crossed your mind.

Actually, I am not from the "younger generation". It's quite possible that people in your neck of the woods have long held a belief that Americans are racist. Not to say there is no such thing over here. Not to say that at all. It's just not the way I was raised.

I do have a follow up question now. You put "black person" in quotes. In the U.S. I have lived through many changes in lables. The first I remember was "Negro" although I was apparently born in a changing era as that term was deemed offensive and in my early early youth, the term "colored" was introduced.
When I was about 4 or 5, we were travelling through the South from Massachusetts on our way to Florida where my father had procured a job. We pulled over at a little motel so my father could sleep after a very arduous drive. My mother and sisters and I played in the pool while my father slept. I remember going to the ladies room in the pool area and coming out to get a drink at the fountain outside. There was a sign that said "Colored only". I did not know what that meant and asked my mother. It was the first time I had ever heard that people were thought of as different classes according to skin color. (my mother seemed reluctant to tell me this, btw)

The term "colored" was short lived, I think. Then there was "black" and that stuck around for a very long time, well into my adult years. Then someone came up with "African American"

I'm not at all uncomfortable with the term "black", because I don't find anything derogatory at all. I guess since I was not taught that skin color necessarily was a determination of class. I have asked my "black" friends if they were offended by the term black or if they preferred "African American". Their response is, "Call me anything except N*****" And they didn't mean Negro.

The term "African American" upsets me, possibly out of ignorance on my part. But..... are all "black" people from Africa? One of my "white" friends is younger than I and is offended by the word "black" and asked me.... do you want to be called "pink"? I am a bit rosy, but that is just not normal in my mind, so no... I don't wish to be called pink..... that's just humiliating to point out something I am ashamed of. But there is no shame in black so I didn't quite get his point.
MY point is.... if my friend is "African American" what the hell am I? Where do I even start? Do I list Norway or England or Scotland first in my heritage with an "American" as the last?

Anyway, I digress. My question is, what is the PC term in the UK? I can't believe it would be "African Europeans" or "African British"

Again, I apologize if my questions seem ignorant. I really do wish to understand though.

 

[ChipperT]

I realise you suggested A “pm” but I think this deserves a public airing.
The “humour” (no humour there now) is supposed to come from the use of the term “golly”

A “Gollywog” was a harmless child’s toy, however because it was black, the term came to be used to describe a black person in a negative way, an insult, possibly something worse if there is such a thing.

You may also have heard of the term “Wog” which I suspect derives from the same toys name.


From Wikipedia “Gollywog”:
it has been described as the least known of the major anti-black caricatures in the United States.[1]

The reason I thought this deserved a public airing is because of the fact that you did not get the joke, I am very pleased that you did not get it, it is direct confirmation of the fact that society is changing for the better.

My assumption is that you are of the younger generation, and the thought that you are in any way different from a “black person” would never even have crossed your mind.

I am definitely NOT of the younger generation. In addition, I grew up in the Deep South before and during the Civil Rights years... and I didn't get it either. Thanks for explaining publicly. Still not funny though.

 

[DCrake]

Have you ever watched Captain Pugwash?

There was "Roger the cabin boy" and "Seaman Staines"

to name but two of the characters.

 

[AnthonyGerrard]

Have you ever watched Captain Pugwash?

There was "Roger the cabin boy" and "Seaman Staines"

to name but two of the characters.

A bit of a popular , mishearing myth.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Captain_Pugwash

 

[Brianwarnock]

You may also have heard of the term “Wog” which I suspect derives from the same toys name.
.

I first heard this term back in the '50s and was told that it was short for "Wily Oriental Gentleman" and was aimed at the Arabs in the Bazaars, but since then I have seen other versions of this the most common replaces Wily with Worthy.

I suspect that it is usually useed in a derogatory sense.

Brian

 

[GaryPanic]

My question is, what is the PC term in the UK? I can't believe it would be "African Europeans" or "African British"



British ... (or Scottish/Welsh0

its not the colour of your skin - but your view on life


There are a few who proud of their hertitage -( where every there forfathers came from ) thats fine - but the vast majority (and I mean the vast majority) would say British


Re the joke - i did say it was un PC

Golly -was a dutch doll - who would tell her owner off for being naughty - it then was a negative terms for anyone black - however you can still get golly dolls here - they are rare - and are ok by the PC Gestapo- but only if used inth e right context ....

i did say thejokes were un PC -

big ho-ha over the colour joke - nothing over the dyslexia one ... or the sexual one ... (what does that say)