DUDE!!! You need to put a warning on that!!!
What's your best/worst joke? (3 Viewers)
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DUDE!!! You need to put a warning on that!!!
Jacob Mathai
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7 Degrees of Blonde
FIRST DEGREE:
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.
The wife picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.
The husband said, "Who was that?"
The wife said, "I don't know! It was some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."
SECOND DEGREE:
Two blondes were walking down the street. One noticed a compact on the sidewalk and leaned down to pick it up. She opened it, looked in the mirror and said, "Hmm, this person looks familiar."
The second blonde said, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde handed her the compact. The second one looked in the mirror and said, "You dummy, it's me!"
THIRD DEGREE:
A blonde suspected her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she went out and bought a gun. She went to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opened the door she found him in the arms of a redhead.
Well, the blonde is really angry. She opened her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She took the gun and put it to her head.
The boyfriend yelled, "No, honey, don't do it!!!"
The blonde replied, "Shut up ... you're next!"
FOURTH DEGREE:
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly said, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them."
A friend said, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin ?"
The blonde replied, "Oh, that's easy: W."
FIFTH DEGREE:
What did Jane ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
"Is it mine?"
SIXTH DEGREE:
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about.
Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware "
SEVENTH DEGREE:
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman."
FIRST DEGREE:
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.
The wife picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.
The husband said, "Who was that?"
The wife said, "I don't know! It was some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."
SECOND DEGREE:
Two blondes were walking down the street. One noticed a compact on the sidewalk and leaned down to pick it up. She opened it, looked in the mirror and said, "Hmm, this person looks familiar."
The second blonde said, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde handed her the compact. The second one looked in the mirror and said, "You dummy, it's me!"
THIRD DEGREE:
A blonde suspected her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she went out and bought a gun. She went to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opened the door she found him in the arms of a redhead.
Well, the blonde is really angry. She opened her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She took the gun and put it to her head.
The boyfriend yelled, "No, honey, don't do it!!!"
The blonde replied, "Shut up ... you're next!"
FOURTH DEGREE:
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly said, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them."
A friend said, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin ?"
The blonde replied, "Oh, that's easy: W."
FIFTH DEGREE:
What did Jane ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
"Is it mine?"
SIXTH DEGREE:
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about.
Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware "
SEVENTH DEGREE:
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman."
Last edited:
The Economy:
The economy is so bad that...
I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
I saw a Mormon with only one wife.
I bought a toaster oven and my free gift was a bank.
Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.
Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.
A picture is now only worth 200 words.
They renamed Wall Stree "Wal-Mart Street"
When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.
The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.
And finally...
I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan and, when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck...
The economy is so bad that...
I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
I saw a Mormon with only one wife.
I bought a toaster oven and my free gift was a bank.
Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.
Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.
A picture is now only worth 200 words.
They renamed Wall Stree "Wal-Mart Street"
When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.
The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.
And finally...
I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan and, when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck...
Jacob Mathai
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Times have changed:
In 1900, fathers prayed their children would learn English.
Today, fathers pray their children will speak English.
In 1900, a father's horsepower meant his horses.
Today, it's the size of his minivan.
In 1900, if a father put a roof over his family's head, he was a success.
Today, it takes a roof, deck, pool, and 4-car garage. And that's just the vacation home.
In 1900, a father waited for the doctor to tell him when the baby arrived.
Today, a father must wear a smock, know how to breathe, and make sure film is in the video camera.
In 1900, fathers could count on children to join the family business.
Today, fathers pray their kids will soon come home from college long enough to teach them how to work the computer and set the VCR.
In 1900, fathers shook their children gently and whispered, "Wake up, it's time for school."
Today, kids shake their fathers violently at 4 a.m., shouting: "Wake up, it's time for hockey practice."
In 1900, a father came home from work to find his wife and children at the supper table.
Today, a father comes home to a note: "Jimmy's at baseball, Cindy's at gymnastics, I'm at adult-Ed, Pizza in fridge."
In 1900, fathers prayed their children would learn English.
Today, fathers pray their children will speak English.
In 1900, a father's horsepower meant his horses.
Today, it's the size of his minivan.
In 1900, if a father put a roof over his family's head, he was a success.
Today, it takes a roof, deck, pool, and 4-car garage. And that's just the vacation home.
In 1900, a father waited for the doctor to tell him when the baby arrived.
Today, a father must wear a smock, know how to breathe, and make sure film is in the video camera.
In 1900, fathers could count on children to join the family business.
Today, fathers pray their kids will soon come home from college long enough to teach them how to work the computer and set the VCR.
In 1900, fathers shook their children gently and whispered, "Wake up, it's time for school."
Today, kids shake their fathers violently at 4 a.m., shouting: "Wake up, it's time for hockey practice."
In 1900, a father came home from work to find his wife and children at the supper table.
Today, a father comes home to a note: "Jimmy's at baseball, Cindy's at gymnastics, I'm at adult-Ed, Pizza in fridge."
Jacob Mathai
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Old Farmer Johnson was dying. The family was standing around his bed. With a low voice he said to his wife: "When I'm dead I want you to marry farmer Jones."
Wife: "No, I can't marry anyone after you."
Johnson: "But I want you to."
Wife: "But why?"
Johnson: "Jones once cheated me in a horse deal!"
Wife: "No, I can't marry anyone after you."
Johnson: "But I want you to."
Wife: "But why?"
Johnson: "Jones once cheated me in a horse deal!"
A man starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.
First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds.
As he does this, a huge fish jumps out and bites him.
To show the others who's boss, he beats it to death with a spade.
Realising his employer won't be best pleased;
He disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will
eat anything.
Moving on to the second job of clearing out the chimp house,
He is attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts.
He swipes at two chimps with a spade, killing them both.
What can he do?
Feed them to the lions, he says to himself,
Because lions eat anything.
He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.
He moved on to the last job, Which is to collect honey from the South African bees.
As soon as he starts, he is attacked by the bees.
He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp.
By now he knows what to do and throws them into the lion's cage -
because lions eat anything.
Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo.
He wanders up to the other lions and says
'What's the food like here?'
The lions say:
'Absolutely brilliant. Today we had fish and chimps with mushy bees.'
First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds.
As he does this, a huge fish jumps out and bites him.
To show the others who's boss, he beats it to death with a spade.
Realising his employer won't be best pleased;
He disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will
eat anything.
Moving on to the second job of clearing out the chimp house,
He is attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts.
He swipes at two chimps with a spade, killing them both.
What can he do?
Feed them to the lions, he says to himself,
Because lions eat anything.
He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.
He moved on to the last job, Which is to collect honey from the South African bees.
As soon as he starts, he is attacked by the bees.
He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp.
By now he knows what to do and throws them into the lion's cage -
because lions eat anything.
Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo.
He wanders up to the other lions and says
'What's the food like here?'
The lions say:
'Absolutely brilliant. Today we had fish and chimps with mushy bees.'
A homeless man asks a passer by for £2. The man asked, "Will you buy booze?"
The guy said, "No."
The man asked, "Will you gamble it away?"
The guy said, "No."
Then the man asked,
"Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?"
The guy said, "No."
The man asked, "Will you gamble it away?"
The guy said, "No."
Then the man asked,
"Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?"
Ed and Dorothy met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her. When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart, Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.
Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Dorothy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Dorothy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last..
On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Dorothy to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem, for us, you'd better say so now!"
Dorothy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for about the last five years I've been a hooker."
"I see," Ed replied thoughtfully. He looked down at the table, and was quiet for a moment, deep in serious thought then he added, "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."
Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Dorothy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Dorothy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last..
On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Dorothy to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem, for us, you'd better say so now!"
Dorothy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for about the last five years I've been a hooker."
"I see," Ed replied thoughtfully. He looked down at the table, and was quiet for a moment, deep in serious thought then he added, "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."
MSAccessRookie
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After a lengthy study, a South American scientist from Argentina has discovered that people with insufficient brain and sexual activity tend to read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.
(Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late).
(Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late).
A hunter kills a deer and brings it home to clean and serve for dinner. He knows his kids are fussy eaters, and won't eat it if they know what it is. So he doesn't tell them. Jimmy keeps asking him, "What's for supper dad?"
"You'll see", he replies.
They start eating supper and his daughter keeps asking him what they
are eating.
"OK", says her dad, "Here's a hint. YOur mother sometimes calls me this."
"Don't eat it Jimmy!" warns his sister. "It's an asshole."
"You'll see", he replies.
They start eating supper and his daughter keeps asking him what they
are eating.
"OK", says her dad, "Here's a hint. YOur mother sometimes calls me this."
"Don't eat it Jimmy!" warns his sister. "It's an asshole."
Jacob Mathai
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Sid was traveling down a country road in his native Yorkshire, England when he saw a crowd of people gathering outside a farmhouse.
It was a cold November afternoon, so he stopped and asked Farmer Ellis why such a large crowd of men was gathered there.
The farmer replied, 'Jo's donkey kicked his mother-in-law and she died.'
'Well,' replied the man, 'She must have had a lot of friends.'
'Nope,' said Farmer Ellis.' We all just want to buy his donkey.'
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Preacher went to his church office on Monday morning and
discovered a dead donkey in the church yard. He called the
police.
Since there did not appear to be any foul play, the police
...referred the Preacher to the health department.
The health department said since there was no health threat
that he should call the sanitation department.
The sanitation manager said he could not pick up the mule
without authorization from the mayor.
Now the Preacher knew the mayor and was not to eager to call
him. The mayor had a bad temper and was generally hard to
deal with, but the Preacher called him anyway.
The mayor did not disappoint. He immediately began to rant and
rave at the pastor and finally said, "Why did you call me any
way? Isn`t it your job to bury the dead?"
The preacher paused for a brief prayer and asked the Lord to
direct his response. He was led to say, "Yes, Mayor, it is my
job to bury the dead, but I always like to notify the next of
kin first!"
It was a cold November afternoon, so he stopped and asked Farmer Ellis why such a large crowd of men was gathered there.
The farmer replied, 'Jo's donkey kicked his mother-in-law and she died.'
'Well,' replied the man, 'She must have had a lot of friends.'
'Nope,' said Farmer Ellis.' We all just want to buy his donkey.'
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Preacher went to his church office on Monday morning and
discovered a dead donkey in the church yard. He called the
police.
Since there did not appear to be any foul play, the police
...referred the Preacher to the health department.
The health department said since there was no health threat
that he should call the sanitation department.
The sanitation manager said he could not pick up the mule
without authorization from the mayor.
Now the Preacher knew the mayor and was not to eager to call
him. The mayor had a bad temper and was generally hard to
deal with, but the Preacher called him anyway.
The mayor did not disappoint. He immediately began to rant and
rave at the pastor and finally said, "Why did you call me any
way? Isn`t it your job to bury the dead?"
The preacher paused for a brief prayer and asked the Lord to
direct his response. He was led to say, "Yes, Mayor, it is my
job to bury the dead, but I always like to notify the next of
kin first!"
Rabbie
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A businessman... checks into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely. He thought, "I'll call one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab."
He popped into a phone booth near the hotel and found an ad for a girl calling herself Cheryl, a lovely looking girl, bending over in the photo. He copied the phone number and returned to his hotel. When back in the room he figures, what the hell I'll give her a call.
"Hello," the woman says. God, she sounded sexy.
"Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. Hang on, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now.
Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want! Now, how does that sound?"
She says...
"That sounds fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."
He popped into a phone booth near the hotel and found an ad for a girl calling herself Cheryl, a lovely looking girl, bending over in the photo. He copied the phone number and returned to his hotel. When back in the room he figures, what the hell I'll give her a call.
"Hello," the woman says. God, she sounded sexy.
"Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. Hang on, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now.
Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want! Now, how does that sound?"
She says...
"That sounds fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."
Jacob Mathai
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A journalist walks into the hospital and tells the desk nurse, "I want to see the eye-ear doctor."
"There is no such doctor" she tells him. "Perhaps you would like to see someone else?"
"No, I need to see an eye-ear doctor," he says.
"But there is no such doctor," she replies. "We have doctors for the eyes and doctors for the ear, nose and throat, but no eye-ear doctor."
No help. He repeats, "I want to see the eye-ear doctor."
They go around like this for a few minutes and then the nurse says: "Comrade, there is no eye-ear doctor, but if there were one, why would you want to see him?"
"Because," he replies, "I keep hearing one thing and seeing another."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
A film crew was on location deep in the desert. One day an old Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow rain." The next day it rained. A week later, the Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow storm." The next day there was a hailstorm.
"This Indian is incredible," said the director. He told his secretary to hire the Indian to predict the weather. However, after several successful predictions, the old Indian didn't show up for two weeks. Finally the director sent for him. "I have to shoot a big scene tomorrow," said the director, "and I'm depending on you. What will the weather be like?"
The Indian shrugged his shoulders. "Don't know," he said. "Radio is broken."
"There is no such doctor" she tells him. "Perhaps you would like to see someone else?"
"No, I need to see an eye-ear doctor," he says.
"But there is no such doctor," she replies. "We have doctors for the eyes and doctors for the ear, nose and throat, but no eye-ear doctor."
No help. He repeats, "I want to see the eye-ear doctor."
They go around like this for a few minutes and then the nurse says: "Comrade, there is no eye-ear doctor, but if there were one, why would you want to see him?"
"Because," he replies, "I keep hearing one thing and seeing another."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
A film crew was on location deep in the desert. One day an old Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow rain." The next day it rained. A week later, the Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow storm." The next day there was a hailstorm.
"This Indian is incredible," said the director. He told his secretary to hire the Indian to predict the weather. However, after several successful predictions, the old Indian didn't show up for two weeks. Finally the director sent for him. "I have to shoot a big scene tomorrow," said the director, "and I'm depending on you. What will the weather be like?"
The Indian shrugged his shoulders. "Don't know," he said. "Radio is broken."
The Penis Poem!
My nookie days are over, My pilot light is out,
What used to be my sex appeal is now my water spout !
Time was when, on its own, from my trousers it would spring,
But now its just a full time job to find the fuckin thing!
It used to be embarrassing the way it would behave,
For every single morning it would stand and watch me shave!
Now as old age approaches, it sure gives me the blues, to see it hang its little head and watch me tie my shoes!
My nookie days are over, My pilot light is out,
What used to be my sex appeal is now my water spout !
Time was when, on its own, from my trousers it would spring,
But now its just a full time job to find the fuckin thing!
It used to be embarrassing the way it would behave,
For every single morning it would stand and watch me shave!
Now as old age approaches, it sure gives me the blues, to see it hang its little head and watch me tie my shoes!
Re: There are 10 kinds of people..........
There are 11 kinds of people
Those that can count to two in binary, and those that can't!
A variant:
There are 11 kinds of people
Those that can count to two in binary, and those that can't!
Access_guy49
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Re: There are 10 kinds of people..........
wouldn't 11 be 3???
hmmm.... maybe thats the joke... ? lol but then the "writer" of the joke looks silly... oh man, explaining jokes really doesn't help it much does it? hahaha
ok well my vote is for the "10" variant
wouldn't 11 be 3???
hmmm.... maybe thats the joke... ? lol but then the "writer" of the joke looks silly... oh man, explaining jokes really doesn't help it much does it? hahaha
ok well my vote is for the "10" variant
Kinger43
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Re: There are 10 kinds of people..........
I think the real joke here is that we all understand and discuss jokes about binary.
I think the real joke here is that we all understand and discuss jokes about binary.
