What's your best/worst joke?

It got crowded in heaven so, for one day and one day only, it was decided to only accept people who had really bad day on the day they died.
St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died." The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, of which I died from."
St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in. He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"
St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job. "Tell me about the day you died?” he said to the third man in line. "OK, picture this; I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."
 
Four men rode in a car: a mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer, and a computer engineer.

The car stalled out.

The mechanical engineer said, "It must be the pistons; let's repair them and be on our way."

The electrical engineer said, "It has to be the spark plugs; we'll
replace them and be ready to roll in no time at all."

The chemical engineer said. "No, it's got to be bad gas; we'll flush the system and be on our way."

They turned to the computer engineer. "What do you think we should do?" they asked.

The computer engineer shrugged and said, "Let's get out of the car, close the doors, then get back in and try restarting it."
 
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice.

"I'd like to try the bet." After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man.

"What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, what?"

The man replied, "I work for the IRS."





Q. How is golf like taxes?
A. Well, you drive hard to get to the green, and then you wind up in the hole



The owner of a small deli was being questioned by an IRS agent about his tax return. He had reported a net profit of $80,000 for the year.

"Why don't you people leave me alone?" the deli owner said. "I work like a dog, everyone in my family helps out, the place is only closed three days a year. And you want to know how I made $80,000?"

"It's not your income that bothers us," the agent said. "It's these deductions. You listed six trips to Bermuda for you and your wife."

"Oh, that," the owner said smiling. "I forgot to tell you - we also deliver."
 
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After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, Australian scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.


Not to be outdone by the Aussies, in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet and, shortly after, a story was published in the New York Times: "American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the Australians".


One week later a Council in Essex reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 feet in Colchester, Jack Lucknow, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely f*** all. Jack has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Britain had already gone wireless."
 
A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While she was on the operating table she had a near death experience, and had a vision where she was talking to God.

"Is my time up?" She asked God.

"No," God said to her, "you still have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have some procedures done. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. She had a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change the color of her hair and brighten her teeth!

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While
crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had
another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the
ambulance?"

"To tell you the truth," God replied, "I didn't recognize you."
 
A famous American singer was flying out of LA. While going through security at the airport, a TSA officer touched her breast. She stated singing:

"Ooh booby love, my booby love
I need you, oh how I need you"
 
not sure if I have sent this one..

Winter Classes for Women at
THE ADULT LEARNING CENTRE

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
By Friday, February 29th, 2011

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS.
Class 1
Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat
Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM..

Class 2
Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Bitching About It for 3 Hours?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Drive Past Marks & Spencer Without Stopping?--Group Debate.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between a Handbag and a Suitcase--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
Curling Tongs--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
At 7:00 PM

Class 6
How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Programme.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?
Open Forum.
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch -They Make Medicine for PMT - and How To Use It!
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
I Was Wrong and He Was Right!--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10
How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim.
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live - How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windscreen.
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12
How to Shop by Yourself.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Upon completion of ANY of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.
 
7 Degrees of Blonde

FIRST DEGREE:
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.
The wife picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.


The husband said, "Who was that?"

The wife said, "I don't know! It was some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."

SECOND DEGREE:

Two blondes were walking down the street. One noticed a compact on the sidewalk and leaned down to pick it up. She opened it, looked in the mirror and said, "Hmm, this person looks familiar."


The second blonde said, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde handed her the compact. The second one looked in the mirror and said, "You dummy, it's me!"

THIRD DEGREE:

A blonde suspected her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she went out and bought a gun. She went to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opened the door she found him in the arms of a redhead.

Well, the blonde is really angry. She opened her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She took the gun and put it to her head.


The boyfriend yelled, "No, honey, don't do it!!!"

The blonde replied, "Shut up ... you're next!"

FOURTH DEGREE:

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly said, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them."

A friend said, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin ?"

The blonde replied, "Oh, that's easy: W."

FIFTH DEGREE:

What did Jane ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?

"Is it mine?"

SIXTH DEGREE:

Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about.

Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware "

SEVENTH DEGREE:

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.

The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.

Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman."
 
Last edited:
The Economy:

The economy is so bad that...

I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

I saw a Mormon with only one wife.

I bought a toaster oven and my free gift was a bank.

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.

Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.

A picture is now only worth 200 words.

They renamed Wall Stree "Wal-Mart Street"

When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.

The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

And finally...

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan and, when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck...
 
Times have changed:

In 1900, fathers prayed their children would learn English.
Today, fathers pray their children will speak English.

In 1900, a father's horsepower meant his horses.
Today, it's the size of his minivan.

In 1900, if a father put a roof over his family's head, he was a success.
Today, it takes a roof, deck, pool, and 4-car garage. And that's just the vacation home.

In 1900, a father waited for the doctor to tell him when the baby arrived.
Today, a father must wear a smock, know how to breathe, and make sure film is in the video camera.


In 1900, fathers could count on children to join the family business.
Today, fathers pray their kids will soon come home from college long enough to teach them how to work the computer and set the VCR.

In 1900, fathers shook their children gently and whispered, "Wake up, it's time for school."
Today, kids shake their fathers violently at 4 a.m., shouting: "Wake up, it's time for hockey practice."

In 1900, a father came home from work to find his wife and children at the supper table.
Today, a father comes home to a note: "Jimmy's at baseball, Cindy's at gymnastics, I'm at adult-Ed, Pizza in fridge."
 
What did the Buddhist say to the hot-dog vendor?

Make me one with everything.
 
Old Farmer Johnson was dying. The family was standing around his bed. With a low voice he said to his wife: "When I'm dead I want you to marry farmer Jones."

Wife: "No, I can't marry anyone after you."

Johnson: "But I want you to."

Wife: "But why?"

Johnson: "Jones once cheated me in a horse deal!"
 
My son's been asking me for a pet spider for his birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!!

B*ll*cks to this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.
 
A man starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.

First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds.

As he does this, a huge fish jumps out and bites him.

To show the others who's boss, he beats it to death with a spade.
Realising his employer won't be best pleased;



He disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will
eat anything.



Moving on to the second job of clearing out the chimp house,

He is attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts.

He swipes at two chimps with a spade, killing them both.

What can he do?

Feed them to the lions, he says to himself,

Because lions eat anything.

He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.



He moved on to the last job, Which is to collect honey from the South African bees.
As soon as he starts, he is attacked by the bees.

He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp.



By now he knows what to do and throws them into the lion's cage -
because lions eat anything.



Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo.

He wanders up to the other lions and says

'What's the food like here?'

The lions say:

'Absolutely brilliant. Today we had fish and chimps with mushy bees.'
 
A homeless man asks a passer by for £2. The man asked, "Will you buy booze?"

The guy said, "No."






The man asked, "Will you gamble it away?"

The guy said, "No."




Then the man asked,

"Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?"
 
Ed and Dorothy met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her. When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart, Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.

Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Dorothy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Dorothy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last..

On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Dorothy to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem, for us, you'd better say so now!"

Dorothy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for about the last five years I've been a hooker."

"I see," Ed replied thoughtfully. He looked down at the table, and was quiet for a moment, deep in serious thought then he added, "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."
 
After a lengthy study, a South American scientist from Argentina has discovered that people with insufficient brain and sexual activity tend to read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.



(Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late).


 
A hunter kills a deer and brings it home to clean and serve for dinner. He knows his kids are fussy eaters, and won't eat it if they know what it is. So he doesn't tell them. Jimmy keeps asking him, "What's for supper dad?"
"You'll see", he replies.
They start eating supper and his daughter keeps asking him what they
are eating.
"OK", says her dad, "Here's a hint. YOur mother sometimes calls me this."
"Don't eat it Jimmy!" warns his sister. "It's an asshole."
 
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