What's your best/worst joke?

[Jacob Mathai]

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer:

"Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I'm supposed to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that out."

He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.

On the day of the wedding, when it came time for the groom's vows, the pastor looked the young man in the eye and said: "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes," then leaned toward the pastor and hissed: "I thought we had a deal."

The pastor put a $100 bill into the groom's hand and whispered: "She made me a better offer."

 

[Jacob Mathai]

Five cannibals get hired as programmers in an IT company.
During the welcoming ceremony the boss says: "You're all part of our team
now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to the company canteen
for something to eat. So don't trouble the other employees". The cannibals
promise not to trouble the other employees.

Four weeks later the boss returns and says: "You're all working very hard,
and I'm very satisfied with all of you. One of our developers has
disappeared however. Do any of you know what happened to her?" The
cannibals disown all knowledge of the missing developer.

After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others:
"Which of you idiots ate the developer?"

One of the cannibals raises his hand hesitantly, to which the leader of the
cannibals says: "You FOOL! For four weeks we've been eating team leaders,
managers, and project managers and no one has noticed anything, and now
YOU ate one developer and it got noticed. So hereafter please don't eat a person who is working.

 

[The_Doc_Man]

For four weeks we've been eating team leaders,
managers, and project managers and no one has noticed anything, and now
YOU ate one developer and it got noticed.

I don't know about IT companies, but if this had happened in the U.S. Government, it would have taken at least a year for the absences to be officially noticed... because most contracts are set up for yearly renewals. We would have run on momentum until it was time to renew the next option year in the contract.

Of course, the moment your cannibal eats a contractor, that would tip off everyone because the contractor's boss would notice that the department's billable hours had dropped off by one person. The accountants would go nuts in a heartbeat to try to recapture the hourly rate lost by that absence.

 

[Jacob Mathai]

Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote click'."

 

[Jacob Mathai]

His pediatrician asked six-year-old Johnny, who watched a good many TV, adds, just to make conversation. Johnny, if you found a couple of dollars and had to spend them, what would you buy?”
“A box of Tampax,” he replied without hesitation.
“Tampax?” said the doctor. “What would you do with that?”
“Well,” said Johnny, “I do not know exactly, but it’s sure worth two dollars.
With tampax, it says on TV, you can go swimming, go horseback riding, and also go skating, any time you want to.”

 

[Jacob Mathai]

An Irishman proposed to his girl friend on Saint Patrick’s Day and gave her a ring with a synthetic diamond. On learning it wasn't real she protested vehemently about his cheapness. He explained that in honor of Saint Patrick’s Day, he picked her a sham rock.

 

[GaryPanic]

After a visit to the ***** house,

a man notices green lumps on his willy,
so he goes to the doctor.
“That’s serious” says the doctor.
“You know how wrestlers get cauliflower ears?”

“Yes” says the man seriously.


“Well” says the doctor “You’ve got brothel sprouts.”

 

[Jacob Mathai]

Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, breaking in, evading security, getting out and escaping with the goods, he was captured only two blocks away when his Econoline van ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied:-"I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

 

[oumahexi]

alittle three year old boy is sitting on the toilet.
his mother thinks he has been in there too long, so she goes in to see what's up.
the little boy is sitting on the toilet reading a book.
but about every 10 seconds or so he puts the book down, grips onto the toilet seat with his left hand and hits himself on top of the head with his right hand.
his mother says: "billy, are you all right? You've been in here for a while".
billy says: "i'm fine, mummy... I just haven't done it yet. "
mother says: "ok, you can stay here a few more minutes.
but, billy, why are you hitting yourself on the head?"
billy says: "it works on the tomato sauce bottle!"

 

[mitchem1]

A 3-legged dog walks into an Old West saloon. He slides up to the bar and says, "I'm looking for the man that shot my paw."

 

[dpw204]

- If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

 

[aladrach]

What do you call a paraplegic in the water?
Bob.

 

[Jacob Mathai]

A new CEO takes over at a struggling company and decides to get rid of all the slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. He can't believe this guy would just stand around on the job.

The new CEO walks up to the guy leaning against the wall and asks, "What are you doing here?"

"I'm just waiting to get paid," responds the man.

Furious, the CEO asks "How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young fellow replies, "I make about $300 a week. Why?"

The CEO quickly gets out his checkbook, hands the guy a check made out to cash for $1,200 and says, "Here's four weeks' pay, now get out and don't come back."

The man puts the check in his pocket and promptly walks out.

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what just happened here?"

From across the room comes a voice, "Yeah, you just tipped the pizza delivery guy $1,200."

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It was October and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a Chief in a modern society he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared. But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"

"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?"

"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."

The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find. Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever."

"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.

The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."

 

[Alc]

http://www.buzzfeed.com/daves4/the-best-of-chemistry-cat

 

[Galaxiom]

So is the joke something to do with the site opening multiple tabs in your browser. Don't know what they were because I killed them before they loaded.

Recommend staying away from that link.

 

[Alc]

So is the joke something to do with the site opening multiple tabs in your browser. Don't know what they were because I killed them before they loaded.

Recommend staying away from that link.

Sorry, it didn't do that on my PC.

Edit: Just went back and still no pop-ups. Took a while to load, but that was all. What I thought was funny were jokes along the following lines:

 

[Big Pat]

Now those are funny!!

 

[Alc]

http://www.cracked.com/blog/6-reasons-guy-whos-fixing-your-computer-hates-you/

 

[Jacob Mathai]

A church committee proposes to buy a chandelier to brighten up its worship area. At voting time, an influential committee member puts his foot down firmly and opposes the plan. He says, "I strongly object to this, and I have three good reasons for my objection. First, no one here knows how to spell the word correctly so how are we going to order it? Second, even if we fix the spelling issue and place the order, when it arrives there is no one in this church who knows how to play it. And thirdly, folks, if you would open your eyes and look around, the real need in this church right now is for some more lighting."

 

[and1_hotsauce]

Why was the stationmaster's son having a cake on a train seat?

It was his berth-day.