What's your best/worst joke?

Sid was traveling down a country road in his native Yorkshire, England when he saw a crowd of people gathering outside a farmhouse.

It was a cold November afternoon, so he stopped and asked Farmer Ellis why such a large crowd of men was gathered there.

The farmer replied, 'Jo's donkey kicked his mother-in-law and she died.'

'Well,' replied the man, 'She must have had a lot of friends.'

'Nope,' said Farmer Ellis.' We all just want to buy his donkey.'

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A Preacher went to his church office on Monday morning and
discovered a dead donkey in the church yard. He called the
police.

Since there did not appear to be any foul play, the police
...referred the Preacher to the health department.

The health department said since there was no health threat
that he should call the sanitation department.

The sanitation manager said he could not pick up the mule
without authorization from the mayor.

Now the Preacher knew the mayor and was not to eager to call
him. The mayor had a bad temper and was generally hard to
deal with, but the Preacher called him anyway.

The mayor did not disappoint. He immediately began to rant and
rave at the pastor and finally said, "Why did you call me any
way? Isn`t it your job to bury the dead?"

The preacher paused for a brief prayer and asked the Lord to
direct his response. He was led to say, "Yes, Mayor, it is my
job to bury the dead, but I always like to notify the next of
kin first!"
 
A businessman... checks into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely. He thought, "I'll call one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab."

He popped into a phone booth near the hotel and found an ad for a girl calling herself Cheryl, a lovely looking girl, bending over in the photo. He copied the phone number and returned to his hotel. When back in the room he figures, what the hell I'll give her a call.
"Hello," the woman says. God, she sounded sexy.
"Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. Hang on, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now.
Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want! Now, how does that sound?"
She says...





"That sounds fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."
 
A journalist walks into the hospital and tells the desk nurse, "I want to see the eye-ear doctor."
"There is no such doctor" she tells him. "Perhaps you would like to see someone else?"
"No, I need to see an eye-ear doctor," he says.
"But there is no such doctor," she replies. "We have doctors for the eyes and doctors for the ear, nose and throat, but no eye-ear doctor."
No help. He repeats, "I want to see the eye-ear doctor."
They go around like this for a few minutes and then the nurse says: "Comrade, there is no eye-ear doctor, but if there were one, why would you want to see him?"
"Because," he replies, "I keep hearing one thing and seeing another."
-------------------------------------------------------------------


A film crew was on location deep in the desert. One day an old Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow rain." The next day it rained. A week later, the Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow storm." The next day there was a hailstorm.
"This Indian is incredible," said the director. He told his secretary to hire the Indian to predict the weather. However, after several successful predictions, the old Indian didn't show up for two weeks. Finally the director sent for him. "I have to shoot a big scene tomorrow," said the director, "and I'm depending on you. What will the weather be like?"

The Indian shrugged his shoulders. "Don't know," he said. "Radio is broken."
 
The Penis Poem!


My nookie days are over, My pilot light is out,

What used to be my sex appeal is now my water spout !

Time was when, on its own, from my trousers it would spring,

But now its just a full time job to find the fuckin thing!

It used to be embarrassing the way it would behave,

For every single morning it would stand and watch me shave!

Now as old age approaches, it sure gives me the blues, to see it hang its little head and watch me tie my shoes!
 
Re: There are 10 kinds of people..........

Keith Nichols said:
Those that can read binary....

....and those that can't!
Click to expand...
A variant:

There are 11 kinds of people

Those that can count to two in binary, and those that can't!
 
Re: There are 10 kinds of people..........

dpw204 said:
A variant:

There are 11 kinds of people

Those that can count to two in binary, and those that can't!
Click to expand...

wouldn't 11 be 3???
hmmm.... maybe thats the joke... ? lol but then the "writer" of the joke looks silly... oh man, explaining jokes really doesn't help it much does it? hahaha
ok well my vote is for the "10" variant
 
Re: There are 10 kinds of people..........

Access_guy49 said:
wouldn't 11 be 3???
hmmm.... maybe thats the joke... ? lol but then the "writer" of the joke looks silly... oh man, explaining jokes really doesn't help it much does it? hahaha
ok well my vote is for the "10" variant
Click to expand...

I think the real joke here is that we all understand and discuss jokes about binary.
 
This woman decides to buy a self-assembly cupboard. Back home she reads the instructions carefully and assembles the cupboard in the bedroom. It looks really neat. Then, a train passes and the whole cupboard collapses. Not daunted by this she re-reads the instructions and reassembles the cupboard. Then, another train passes and the whole cupboard collapses again. Thinking that she must have done *something* wrong she re-re-reads the instructions and re-re-assembles the cupboard. Then, a train passes and the whole cupboard collapses yet again. Now, she's finally fed up with this and calls the customer service deparment. She is told that this is quite impossible and that they'll send along a technician to have a look. The technician arrives and assembles the cupboard. Then, a train passes and the cupboard collapses. Completely baffled by this unexpected event, the technician decides to reassemble the cupboard and sit inside it to see whether he can find out what causes the cupboard to collapse. At this point, the woman's husband comes home, sees the cupboard and says: "That's a nice looking cupboard", and opens it. Says the technician: "You won't believe me, but I'm standing here waiting for a train".
 
Nymphomaniac Convention

A man boarded an aircraft at London 's Heathrow Airport for New York , and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane.
He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside him.

"Hello", he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"

She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States .."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded,” I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.."

"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent.
We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish."

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!"

"Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."
 
I went to a zoo, but it wasn't very good. Every cage had dogs in, and all the same breed,

It was a Shitzhu
 
I went into a Chinese restaurant, and ordered Chicken Surprise.

It came in one of those bamboo steamer baskets - but as I watched the lid raised slightly, and I could see 2 eyes looking at me

I called the waiter over, and he apologised.

He said - sorry, you ordered Chicken Surprise, but we brought you Peeking Duck.
 
"Osama bin Laden was apparently shot twice in the face. It looks like Dick Cheney may have been involved." –Jay Leno


"Bin Laden was living in a house with no Internet access, which explains why there were all those bin Laden sightings at the Islamabad Kinko's." –Conan O'Brien


"The Republicans are so happy about bin Laden they've granted President Obama full citizenship." –David Letterman


"Osama bin Laden is in the ocean. How ironic. Once again surrounded by seals." –Jay Leno

"After all the talk about caves, bin Laden was hiding in a million-dollar mansion in Pakistan. The CIA became suspicious when they learned there was a million-dollar mansion in Pakistan." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Bin Laden was buried at sea. Or as Dick Cheney calls it, 'the ultimate waterboarding.'" –Jay Leno

"What?! Not only did we kill Bin Laden, we killed him in Abottabad! Abottabad sounds like name most New Yorkers would have invented for the fictional place they would have loved to kill Bin Laden." –Jon Stewart
 
On the first day, God created the dog and said, “Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.” The dog said, “That’s a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I’ll give you back the other ten?”
So God agreed.

 On the second day, God created the monkey and said, “Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I’ll give you a 20-year life span.” The monkey said, “Monkey tricks for 20 years? That’s a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back 10 like the dog did?”
And God agreed.

 On the third day, God created the cow and said, “You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves, and give milk to support the farmer’s family. For this, I will give you a life span of 60 years.” The cow said, “That’s kind of a tough life you want me to live for 60 years. How about twenty and I’ll give back the other forty?”
And God agreed again.

 On the fourth day, God created man and said,
“Eat, sleep, play, marry, and enjoy your life. For this, I’ll give you 20 years.”
But man said, “Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my 20, the 40 the cow gave back, the 10 the monkey gave back, and the 10 the dog gave back; that makes 80, okay?”
“Okay,” said God, “You asked for it.”

So that is why for our first 20 years we eat, sleep, play, and enjoy ourselves. For the next 40 years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next 10 years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last 10 years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
 
A woman goes to the Doctor with bruises on her face.
The Doctor asks: "What happened?"
The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk, he slaps me around."
The Doctor says: "I have a real good cure for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of water and start swishing it around in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he goes to bed and is asleep."
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with water. I swished and swished and he didn't touch me!
How does the water do that?"
The Doctor says: "The water does nothing …it's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick...."
 
Rich said:
A woman goes to the Doctor with bruises on her face.
The Doctor asks: "What happened?"
The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk, he slaps me around."
The Doctor says: "I have a real good cure for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of water and start swishing it around in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he goes to bed and is asleep."
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with water. I swished and swished and he didn't touch me!
How does the water do that?"
The Doctor says: "The water does nothing …it's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick...."
Click to expand...

Oh that is bad... lol good... but bad..:D
 
Title: A Sexual Encounter between a Capacitor and an Inductor

One evening, with his charge at full capacity, Micro Farad decided to get a cute coil to discharge him. He went to the Magnet Bar to pick up a chip called Millie Amp. He caught her out back trying self induction; fortunately, she had not damaged her solenoid. The two took off on his megacycle and rode across the Wheatstone Bridge into a magnetic field, next to a flowing current , to watch the sine waves.

Micro Farad was very much stimulated by Millie's characteristic curve. Being attractive himself, he soon had her field fully excited. He set her on the ground potential, raised his frequency, lowered her resistance, and pulled out his high voltage probe. When he inserted it in parallel, he short-circuited her shunt. Fully excited, Millie cried out, "ohm, ohm, give me mho". As he increased his tube to maximum output, her coil vibrated from the current flow. It did not take long for her shunt to reach maximum heat. Now with the excessive current shortening her shunt, Micro's capacity rapidly discharged – every electron was drained off. But that was not the end of it. Indeed, they fluxed all night, tried various connections and hookings until his bar magnet weakened, and he could no longer generate enough voltage to sustain his collapsing field. With his battery fully discharged, Micro was unable to excite his tickler, so they went home. A few weeks later, they were merged forever and oscillated happily ever after.
 
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