What's your best/worst joke?

scott-atkinson said:
7.) Q: How do you know it's going to be a double-dip recession?
A: Greek exports of taramosalata and tzatziki have plunged.
Click to expand...

Thanks... now I'm craving Greek food... tzatziki = delicious! :p
 
New Year resolution joke on family priority:

“Families are complicated enough, but things became even more confusing after my father decided to get married to my brother's mother-in-law. "Now I can't make up my mind whether he's my dad or my father-in- law," says my brother, "or if my mother-in-law is now my stepmother, or whether my child is my daughter or my niece.”
 
The boss who was on the 25th floor of the building called up one of the clerks on the ground floor for an important file. Since it was rather urgent,
the boss told the clerk it was an emergency and that he should hurry with the file.

After more than 30 minutes the clerk appears all tired and panting for breath.

The Boss asks him why he was panting and what caused the big delay.

The clerk replies, "Boss when I went to the elevator it said 'During an emergency please use the staircase'".
 
What did the green grape say to the purple grape?
-Breathe, idiot! BREATHE!
 
IT CAN BE HARD KEEPING A STRAIGHT FACE AS A COURT REPORTER

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No , I just lie there.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_______________________________________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor , isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep , he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son , the 20-year-old , how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20 , much like your IQ.
___________________________________________

_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not , he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
 
Below is proof that William Shakespeare was really born and bred in the Black Country in the West Midlands and not in Stratford-Upon-Avon as is the popular belief.. His plays were converted into old english so the entire world could benefit, but recently a very old original verse from Henry viii has surfaced providing proof of Williams true heritage...

Below is a verse from Henry viii in it's converted Old English form...

Love thyself last; cherish those hearts that hate thee; Corruption wins not more than honesty.
Still in thy right hand carry gentle peace
To silence envious tongues. Be just, and fear not;
Let all the ends thou aim'st at be thy country's,
Thy God's, and truth's; then, if thou fall'st, O Cromwell, Thou fall'st a blessed martyr!
Serve the King, and-prithee lead me in.
There take an inventory of all I have
To the last penny; 'tis the King's. My robe,
And my integrity to heaven, is all
I dare now call mine own. O Cromwell, Cromwell!
Had I but serv'd my God with half the zeal
I serv'd my King, he would not in mine age
Have left me naked to mine enemies.

And now it's original Black Country form...

Love mae last, cherish thowm hearts that cor stand me; corruption is a winner nowt more than the truth.
in my right mitt i'll carry alreet peace
To sharrap down right orrible gobs, be yowaself and bugger em
Let all the ends yow'm aiming at by yowars
Im upstairs and the the honesty, then if yow trip up on Cromwell, yow'll fall a bleeding hypocondriac
Listen to the main un's and pretend to follow em
Then mek a list of all yowa belongings
Daaan to the last penny, it ay the king's it's bleeding mine
And my god's honest truth will get me in the pearly gates
What's mine's mine and what's yowa's is mine an all, bleeding Cromwell, Cromwell
I've fought like a tiger for im upstairs
I've done what I could and i'm naa showing me age
Naa I'm neked and all me enemies can see me bits
 
Feeling anxious, a man took a hot bath. Just as he became comfortable, the doorbell rang. The man got out of the tub, put on his slippers and robe and went to the door. A salesman at the door wanted to know if he needed any brushes. Slamming the door, the man returned to the bath.

The doorbell rang again. On went the slippers and robe, and the man started for the door again. He took one step, slipped on a wet spot, fell backward, and hit his back against the bathtub.

Cursing under his breath, the man struggled into his street clothes and, in pain, drove to the doctor.

After examining him, the doctor said, "You know, you're lucky. Nothing is broken. But you need to relax. Why don't you go home and take a long, hot bath?"
 
At a country-club party a young man was introduced to an attractive girl. Immediately he began admiring and flattering her outrageously. The girl liked the young man, but she was taken a bit aback by his fast and ardent pitch. She was amazed when after 30 minutes he seriously proposed marriage.

"Look," she said. "We only met a half hour ago. How can you be so sure? We know nothing about each other."

"You're wrong," the young man declared. "For the past 5 years I've been working in the bank where your father has his account."

------------------------------------------------------

A young banker decided to get his first tailor made suit. So he went to the finest tailor in town and got measured for a suit. A week later he went in for his first fitting. He put on the suit and he looked stunning, he felt that in this suit he can do business.

As he was preening himself in front of the mirror he reached down to put his hands in the pockets and to his surprise he noticed that there were no pockets. He mentioned this to the tailor who asked him, "Didn't you tell me you were a banker?"

The young man answered, "Yes, I did."

To this the tailor said, "Who ever heard of a banker with his hands in his own pockets?"
 
We could have been here sooner..

An elderly couple were killed in an accident and found themselves being given a tour of heaven by Saint Peter. "Here is your oceanside condo, over there are the tennis courts, swimming pool, and two golf courses. If you need any refreshments, just stop by any of the many bars located throughout the area."

"Heck, Gloria," the old man hissed when Saint Peter walked off, "we could have been here ten years ago if you hadn't heard about all that stupid oat bran, wheat germ, and low-fat diets!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Placing your order..

A friend and I were standing in line at a fast-food restaurant, waiting to place our order.

There was a big sign posted. "No bills larger than $20 will be accepted.

The woman in front of us, pointing to the sign, remarked, "Believe me, if I HAD a bill larger than $20, I wouldn't be eating here."
 
Sometimes.... OK, daily
I have a single code issue that causes me to pull out my hair.

Perhaps somone can help me finish this code to reverse the problem:

Dim MyHead As Object
Dim LostHair As Lost Object
Do Until MyHead.NoLongerBald
Me!LostHair.Replace
Loop
MsgBox "Looking Good!"
 
Angela Merkell arrives at Athens Airport and goes to Passport Control

SHe is asked her Nationality

"German" she replies

Next question is "Occupation?"

"No" She replies "I am only here for the Euro meeting"
 
Have to admit I haven't read all 145 pages of jokes on here but this is my favourite - sorry if its been repeated.

A mother was getting onto a bus holding her child, as she climbed aboard the driver looked down at her baby.
"Wow" he exclaimed "That is the ugliest baby I have ever seen!"
The woman was so shocked she didn't reply but took her ticket and walked down the bus, as she sat down the man next to her asked why she looked so angry.
"The bus driver just insulted me and I was so shocked I didn't say anything." she said.
"Well you should complain." Said the man.
"You're right, I will go and give him a piece of my mind." she replied.
"Good on you, If you want, whilst you're telling him off I'll hold your pet monkey"
 
This ventriloquist is be for an audience and he and his dummy were telling dumb blonde jokes (DBJ). He was telling DBJ’s one after another.
After a few minutes this woman in the audience who happened to be a blonde stood up and said, “Do you have any idea how degrading those jokes are? Every day at work I have to put up with them. The make me feel so terrible!
The ventriloquist said, “I’m really sorry! I meant to offend nobody.”
The woman said, I’m not talking to you, I’m talking to that little guy!
 
After 4 long months of cold and winter, we are finally coming up to summer and Barbecue season. Therefore, it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking as it's the only type of cooking a real man will do, probably because there is an element of danger involved.

When a man volunteers to do the Barbecue, usually on a Saturday, the following chain of events is put into motion:
Barbecue Routine

1) The woman buys the food.

2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.

3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.barbeque jokes

Here comes the important part:

4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

More routine....

5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.

6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.

Important again:

7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

More routine.....

8) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces and brings them to the table.

9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all: barbeque jokes

10) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.

12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed 'her night off.' And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women....
 
German vs Greek in Soccer

Question:
How did the Greek manage to get into the next round?
Answer:
They borrowed a point
 
A firefighter is working on the engine outside the station
when he notices a little girl next door in a little red
wagon with little ladders hung off the side and a garden
hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The girl is wearing a firefighter's helmet and has the wagon
tied to a dog and cat. The firefighter walks over to take a closer look.
"That sure is a nice fire truck," the firefighter says with admiration.
"Thanks," the little girl says.
The firefighter looks a little closer and notices the girl
has tied the wagon to the dog's collar and to the cat's tail.
"Little partner," the firefighter says, "I don't want to
tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie
that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."
The little girl replied, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."
 
GCF: Inner Peace

I think I have found the secret to inner peace.

I read an article that said the way to achieve inner peace is to
finish things I had started. Today I finished two bags of potato
chips, a chocolate pie, a bottle of wine and a small box of candy. I
feel better already.
 
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