What's your best/worst joke?
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Jacob Mathai
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A blonde went to a flight school, insisting she wanted to learn to fly that day. As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her on how to pilot the helicopter solo by radio.
He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics and sent her on her way.
After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. "I'm doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the hang of this."
After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was becoming to fly. The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadn't radioed in.
A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away. He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage.
When he asked what happened, she said, "I don't know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold. I can't remember anything after I turned off the big fan."
He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics and sent her on her way.
After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. "I'm doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the hang of this."
After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was becoming to fly. The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadn't radioed in.
A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away. He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage.
When he asked what happened, she said, "I don't know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold. I can't remember anything after I turned off the big fan."
Dick7Access
Dick S
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GCF: Grading the Fall
John was a construction foreman. One day he tumbled from a scaffold,
managing to break his fall by grabbing on to parts of the scaffold on
the way down. He received only minor scratches.
Embarrassed by the fall, he climbed back up to continue working. Then
he noticed his co-workers holding up hastily-made signs reading, 9.6,
9.8, and 9.4.
John was a construction foreman. One day he tumbled from a scaffold,
managing to break his fall by grabbing on to parts of the scaffold on
the way down. He received only minor scratches.
Embarrassed by the fall, he climbed back up to continue working. Then
he noticed his co-workers holding up hastily-made signs reading, 9.6,
9.8, and 9.4.
Hi Everyone I'm New here so here goes I hope you like it:
A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the
Third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.
After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their
Situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke.
'Well,Sister, this looks pretty grim.'
'I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive
More than a day or two..'
'I agree,' says the Father. 'Sister, since we are unlikely to make it
Out of here alive, would you do something for me?'
'Anything, Father.'
'I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see
Yours.'
'Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm.'
The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her
Shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.
'Sister, would you mind if I touched them?'.......she consented and he
Fondled them for several minutes.
'Father, could I ask something of you?'
'Yes, Sister?'
'I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?'
'I suppose that would be OK,' the Priest replied lifting his robe.
'Oh Father, may I touch it?'
The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was
Sporting a huge erection.
'Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can
Give Life.'
'Is that true Father?'
'Yes, it is, Sister.'
'Oh Father, that's wonderful ... Stick it in the camel and let's get
The hell out of here!'
A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the
Third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.
After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their
Situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke.
'Well,Sister, this looks pretty grim.'
'I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive
More than a day or two..'
'I agree,' says the Father. 'Sister, since we are unlikely to make it
Out of here alive, would you do something for me?'
'Anything, Father.'
'I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see
Yours.'
'Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm.'
The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her
Shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.
'Sister, would you mind if I touched them?'.......she consented and he
Fondled them for several minutes.
'Father, could I ask something of you?'
'Yes, Sister?'
'I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?'
'I suppose that would be OK,' the Priest replied lifting his robe.
'Oh Father, may I touch it?'
The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was
Sporting a huge erection.
'Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can
Give Life.'
'Is that true Father?'
'Yes, it is, Sister.'
'Oh Father, that's wonderful ... Stick it in the camel and let's get
The hell out of here!'
A woman goes to see the doctor to get the test results for her husband. At the doctor's office, the doctor tells her there was a mix up at the labs and that they were not sure if her husband had Alzheimer's or Aids. The lady asks the doctor if they can run the test again and he says that under ObamaCare the test is so expensive it can only be done once. So the lady asks the doctor what can she do and the doctor tells her "to drive her husband into the middle of town and drop him off. And if he makes it home then don't sleep with him!"
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A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband the following text message:
"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears.
I love you!”
The husband, in a typically masculine non-romantic fashion, replied,
"I am on the toilet . . . please advise."
"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears.
I love you!”
The husband, in a typically masculine non-romantic fashion, replied,
"I am on the toilet . . . please advise."
Dick7Access
Dick S
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GCF: 12-Hour Shifts
A nurse had been doing twelve-hour shifts on a medical/surgical unit.
One evening she finally got to enjoy an action movie with her husband.
Tey were sitting in the theater holding hands. During the exciting chase scene, he turned to her and said. "Look, if you wanna
hold hands, fine. But quit taking my pulse, okay?"
A nurse had been doing twelve-hour shifts on a medical/surgical unit.
One evening she finally got to enjoy an action movie with her husband.
Tey were sitting in the theater holding hands. During the exciting chase scene, he turned to her and said. "Look, if you wanna
hold hands, fine. But quit taking my pulse, okay?"
Dick7Access
Dick S
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GCF: History Buff
As a history buff, I was looking forward to staying in a hotel in
Salisbury, England. This hotel dated back to the 13th century.
When I arrived, the hotel clerk gave me some bad news -- my room was
in the new section.
Disappointed, I asked when the "new" section had been built.
"In the 1600's," she replied apologetically.
As a history buff, I was looking forward to staying in a hotel in
Salisbury, England. This hotel dated back to the 13th century.
When I arrived, the hotel clerk gave me some bad news -- my room was
in the new section.
Disappointed, I asked when the "new" section had been built.
"In the 1600's," she replied apologetically.
Dick7Access
Dick S
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GCF: Anniversary
Both of my parents work and lead very hectic lives. So my father was
bound to forget their wedding anniversary.
Remembering at the last minute, he sped to the stationery store, flew
through the door, and breathlessly asked the salesclerk, "Where are
the anniversary cards?"
To his surprise, he heard my mother call out, "Over here, Bill."
Both of my parents work and lead very hectic lives. So my father was
bound to forget their wedding anniversary.
Remembering at the last minute, he sped to the stationery store, flew
through the door, and breathlessly asked the salesclerk, "Where are
the anniversary cards?"
To his surprise, he heard my mother call out, "Over here, Bill."
An attractive blonde arrived at the casino and bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude.
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed 'YES, YES, I WON, I WON!'
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?' The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed 'YES, YES, I WON, I WON!'
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?' The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching
Hello all, New to this and have been loving the jokes, i hope this one wasn't posted before, I have read a lot of the pages but have not gotten to all of them yet.
If not I hope you enjoy
2 Older men are standing by there house's
The one turns to the other and says "For your 25th anniversary you took your wife to Ireland"
The other says "Ya, I did that"
"So now that it's your 50th anniversary what are you going to do?"
"Go back and get her"
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
End of line, man!
If not I hope you enjoy
2 Older men are standing by there house's
The one turns to the other and says "For your 25th anniversary you took your wife to Ireland"
The other says "Ya, I did that"
"So now that it's your 50th anniversary what are you going to do?"
"Go back and get her"
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
End of line, man!
Last edited:
Something that will make you go hmmm...
Why is there Braille on drive up ATM machine's (for those who don't know what ATM is it is where you get your cash from a machine)
Someone made a buck!
___________________________________________________________________
End of line, man!
Why is there Braille on drive up ATM machine's (for those who don't know what ATM is it is where you get your cash from a machine)
Someone made a buck!
___________________________________________________________________
End of line, man!
Rx_
Nothing In Moderation
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Braille is a regulatory requirement. It has little to do with reality.
When I served on a Federal Database JAD (Joint Application Development) group. Those pesky logical DBA and Programmers would ask "Why (fill in the blanks)"
Regulatory management is very Zen.
If you ask a Zen Master "why?", it usually ends up with you being in a position to be hit with a stick. There are no Why questions.
This is useful to bring up at the beginning of any meeting. There are no Why questions.
This philosophy also works well in marriages.
An example: A well-know burger chain had the menu in Braille, posted behind a glass pane. Turned out, the Braille was compliant because it was in a public place. The glass was required because of the sanitary cleaning requirement.
You just have to appreciate the universe when every thing works out.
When I served on a Federal Database JAD (Joint Application Development) group. Those pesky logical DBA and Programmers would ask "Why (fill in the blanks)"
Regulatory management is very Zen.
If you ask a Zen Master "why?", it usually ends up with you being in a position to be hit with a stick. There are no Why questions.
This is useful to bring up at the beginning of any meeting. There are no Why questions.
This philosophy also works well in marriages.
An example: A well-know burger chain had the menu in Braille, posted behind a glass pane. Turned out, the Braille was compliant because it was in a public place. The glass was required because of the sanitary cleaning requirement.
You just have to appreciate the universe when every thing works out.
scott-atkinson
I'm with the Witch.......
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Something that will make you go hmmm...
Why is there Braille on drive up ATM machine's (for those who don't know what ATM is it is where you get your cash from a machine)
Someone made a buck!
___________________________________________________________________
End of line, man!
You have Drive up ATM Machines
I bet there close to drive through Mcdonalds too
with their menus in Braille... 
You have Drive up ATM Machines
I bet there close to drive through Mcdonalds too
yes they are :banghead:
A son walks up to his father who is a pastor
"Hey dad, how about the use of the car?"
"Well son, I'll tell you what, if you get your grades up, read your bible and cut your hair we can talk about the use of the car"
so a month goes by and the son walks back up to his dad
"Hey dad how about the use of the car?"
The father says "Well son, I am very happy, your grades are up as your teacher told us, you read the bible everyday i saw, but you still have yet to get your hair cut"
the kid says
"Come on dad, Jesus, had long hair, so did Moses, even Judas had long hair"
"You know your right son, and they walked every where they went"
"Hey dad, how about the use of the car?"
"Well son, I'll tell you what, if you get your grades up, read your bible and cut your hair we can talk about the use of the car"
so a month goes by and the son walks back up to his dad
"Hey dad how about the use of the car?"
The father says "Well son, I am very happy, your grades are up as your teacher told us, you read the bible everyday i saw, but you still have yet to get your hair cut"
the kid says
"Come on dad, Jesus, had long hair, so did Moses, even Judas had long hair"
"You know your right son, and they walked every where they went"
scott-atkinson
I'm with the Witch.......
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Nostalgia..... It's not what it used to be
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