What's your best/worst joke?

There used to be a sign up in our local pub:

I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure
 
ok heres one

a sign in a bar window says "make my horse laugh, I'll pay $1,000"
so a man walks in and goes to the bartender "Mind if i whisper in your horse's ear?"
"go ahead"
so the man walks up to the horse whispers something and the horse cracks out laughing so hard. The bartender gives the guy the $1,000.
The next day sign say make my horse cry I'll pay $1,000
So again the man walks in and says "Mind if i take your horse, just going around the corner."
"Sure: says the bartender
so the guy takes the horse and not 2 min. later comes back and the horse has tears falling like a waterfall out of his eyes from crying so hard
the bartender says "Ok, I'll pay you the $1,000 but you got to tell me how you did it, yesterday you made him laugh today you made him cry? HOW?"
The guys says "It was easy, Yesterday i whispered into ur horse's ear that my Dick is bigger then his..... Today i showed him"
 
GCF: New Boyfriend

The teenage girl brings her new boyfriend home to meet her parents.
He has a baseball cap on backwards, torn low-rider jeans and numerous
tattoos and body piercings.

The mother pulls her daughter aside. "Dear, you know your father and
I love you and we only want the best for you. This boy, he just
doesn't seem very ... nice."

"Oh please, Mom! If he wasn't nice, why would he be doing five
hundred hours of community service?"
 
scott-atkinson said:
It's a humour thing.... you would'nt understand... :rolleyes::p:D
Click to expand...

The rehab hospital where my wife is at has a young CNA that would always call me mister Sonier. I said one day I much would I have to pay you to call me Dick instead of Mr, Sonier. She gave me a dirty look,
 
GCF: American Idol

My wife left me a note saying I should try out for "American Idle."

But the joke is on her because she spelled it wr--- hey, wait a minute!
 
William and Mildred decided to celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary with a trip to Las Vegas. William went to the front desk to check them in while Mildred stayed with the car. As he was leaving the lobby, a young woman dressed in a very short skirt introduced herself as Candie. William brushed her off.

When William and Mildred got to their room, he told her that he'd been approached by a prostitute.

"I don't believe you," laughed Mildred.

"I'll prove it," said William. He called down to the desk and asked for Candie to come to room 1217.

"Now," he said, "you hide in the bathroom with the door open just enough to hear us."

Soon, there was a knock on the door. Candie walked in, swirling her hips provocatively. "So, I see you're interested after all," she said.

William asked, "How much do you charge?"

"$125 basic rate, $100 tips for special services."

William was taken aback. "$125! I was thinking more in the range of $25."

Candie laughed. "You must really be an old-timer if you think you can buy sex for that price."

"Well," said William, "I guess we can't do business. Goodbye."

After she left, Mildred came out of the bathroom. "I just can't believe it."

William said, "Let's go have a drink and forget it. "

Back downstairs at the bar, the old couple sipped their cocktails.

Candie came up behind William, pointed at Mildred, and said, "See what you get for $25?"
 
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
 
Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer

Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live
 
a big guy sees a little guy sitting on a stool at the bar, he walks over to him and .. SMACK.. looking down on the little guy the big guy says that was a karate chop from Japan.
The little guy gets up brushes himself off and sits back down.
a few minutes later the big guy comes back over and SMACK... the little guys hits the floor hard. The big guy looks at him and says that was a judo kick from Korea.
The little guy gets up brushes himself off and walks out the bar...
about 20 mins later the little guys comes back and SMACK the big guy is knocked out cold.
The little guy looks at the bar tender and says when he wakes up tell him it was a crowbar from sears.
 
GCF: Refrigerator Snack

The husband had an annoying habit of searching through the
refrigerator for a snack, usually while his wife was preparing a meal.

Once, after he had gone through this routine for the third time in as
many minutes, she snapped, "Nothing's any different than it was a minute ago."

"I know that," he assured her. "It's just that this time I've lowered
my standards."
 
It's a quiet day in the office today - I'm currently 52 pages in and only an hour to go until home time...plus posting something means I'll get notified about new jokes! :cool:
 
Walrus,

I hope you get the notification of the notification post that I am making to notify to you that I read your post, and replied with a notification post....

:p :p :p
 
I'll put a joke up when I've checked them all - I'd hate to be repetitive!
 
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