What's your best/worst joke?

[CJ_London]

Two businessmen in the centre of Perth were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new shop...

As yet, the shop wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other, "I bet any minute now somebody is going to walk by, put their face to the window, and ask what we're selling."

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious old woman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked, "What are you selling here?"

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes."

Without skipping a beat, the old dear said, “Must be doing well... Only two left."

 

[Dick7Access]

A man left work one Friday afternoon. Being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spent his entire paycheck.

When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally, his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"

To which he replied, "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

 

[Dick7Access]

GCF: Wedding Advice

At a wedding, the DJ polled the guests to see who had been married
longest. The bride's grandparents took the honors.

The DJ asked them: "What advice would you give to the newly-married couple?"

The grandmother said: "The three most important words in a marriage are,
'You're probably right.'"

Everyone then looked at the grandfather for his answer.

He, wisely, answered: "She's probably right."

 

[joe55555]

boy: Just look at that young person with the short hair and blue jeans. Is it a boy or a girl?
parent: It's a girl. She's my daughter.
boy: Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I didn't know that you were her father.
parent: I'm not. I'm her mother.

 

[Dick7Access]

GCF: Big Birthday

My mother-in-law asked her granddaughter if she was excited about her
upcoming birthday.

"Yes," the granddaughter gravely replied, "it's a big birthday. I've
waited my whole life to be five."

 

[Dick7Access]

Rocky is back. Again. Yeah, 67-year-old Sylvester Stallone is getting ready to star in a seventh “Rocky” movie. You can tell he’s getting up there because instead of running up those famous stairs, now Rocky just takes the elevator.

Read Latest Breaking News from Newsmax.com http://www.newsmax.com/jokes#ixzz2aCk8s7CN

​

 

[RainLover]

Yesterday I was at my local COLES store buying a large bag of Pedigree dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had, an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Pedigree Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 2 stone before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices
and IV's in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Pedigree nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to
mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with
my story.)
Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit me.

I'm now banned from Coles. Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of daft things to say.

 

[Brianwarnock]

A man left work one Friday afternoon. Being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spent his entire paycheck.

When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally, his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"

To which he replied, "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

The old ones are the best

Brian

 

[Brianwarnock]

Rocky is back. Again. Yeah, 67-year-old Sylvester Stallone is getting ready to star in a seventh “Rocky” movie.

Now that is your best joke yet

Brian

 

[Dick7Access]

GCF: Just Like Mommy

A two and a half year old walked into the bathroom while her mother
was putting on make-up. "I'm going to look just like you mommy!" she
announced.

"Maybe, when you grow up," her mother told her.

"No mommy, tomorrow. I just put on that 'Oil of Old Lady' you always use."

 

[Dick7Access]

GCF: Taking You Out

My friend's wife returned from a tour of duty in the Middle East. To
celebrate, he decided to take her out for a night on the town. Proud
of her service record, he suggested she wear her uniform.

Not only did a patriotic taxi driver refuse to accept money from
them, but an appreciative citizen paid for her meal at the
restaurant, and the theater manager upgraded their balcony seats to
the orchestra.

At the end of the evening, my friend turned to his wife. "I still get
credit for taking you out, right?"

 

[Dick7Access]

GCF: Last Name

Sczyelski, my last name, is a mouthful, so I was thrilled when my
three-year-old niece learned to spell it.

That is until my cousin said, "You can spell it any way you like;
who'll know if it's wrong?"

 

[scott-atkinson]

Marlin47

 

[noboffinme]

Thermos Flask.

A reporter is given a boring task on a slow news day, to ask passers by what the best invention in the world is & why.

He stops a man who says "The car, they're affordable to most people & bring people together".

He speaks to a lady next who advises "It's definitely electricity, bringing warmth & light & let's me have loads of labour saving devices"

Lastly he asks another man & he says "It's gotta be the Thermos Flask!, yes definitely the Thermos Flask."

The reporter finds this a bit odd & asks him why the Thermos Flask of all things is the best invention in the world???

The man enthuses "OK, it's winter & you wake up, boil the kettle add some coffee & boiling water to the Thermos Flask & go off to work, hours later I open the flask & out I pour Boiling hot coffee!!"

The reporter says to the man, well so what??

The man gets even more enthuisiastic and says "OK, now imagine it's a hot summer day & you get the Thermos Flask & add fruit juice & ice cubes, hours later I open the flask & out pours freezing cold fruit juice!!"

The reporting is really confused now so he asks "What's so special about that?"

The man replies "Well, how does it know???"

 

[Dick7Access]

GCF: Hypochondriac

Hypochondriac that I am, I constantly log on to the Internet to self-diagnose
my latest ailment. But even I knew it was time to lighten up the day I typed
in the keywords "liver disorders." That let me to a medical site. With growing
alarm I realized I had each of the first seven symptoms. Then I came to No.8
and suddenly felt much better: "Feeling of lethargy. No longer enjoys romping
and wagging tail."

 

[eirman]

Which side of a sheep has the most hair ?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
the outside!

 

[Dick7Access]

GCF: Blue Sweater

While shopping one day, I noticed a woman wearing a beautiful cable-knit
blue sweater. Intrigued, I stopped her and asked if she had knit it.

She had, she told me; it had been her project while giving up smoking.

"But I seldom wear it," she said.

"Why?" I asked.

"It's really spooky," she admitted. "Every time I put it on, I want a
cigarette."

 

[Rx_]

Conversions between English rules?
An American detained at Heathrow Airport today, an individual, later discovered to be an Public High-School Math teacher, was arrested on landing while in possession of a compass, a protractor, and a graphical calculator.
authorities believe he is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement.

He is preparing to be examined for charges of carrying weapons of math instruction.


Texas A&M "aggie" engineering joke (a national thing since they be so smart) :
The US Treasury has announced they are recalling the new new Texas 90 Cent coin. "We are recalling all the new Texas coins that were recently issued." Treasury Undersecretary I.M. Broke stated in a press conference.
This coin was designed for the Texas Toll Booths, but the complaints have been overwhelming.
This is truly amazing how soon a recall has been ordered as Texas A&M assembled a huge team of experts to design the new 90 cent coin over two years.

The winning design team for the Texas coin was submitted by Texas A&M Students and Staff listed with their majors / titles as follows:
Anger Management Coach Kirsten Hollered
Qualty Control Officer Turner Luce
Arbitration Expert Viola Fuss
Art Critic Phyllis Steen
Director of Strategic Planning Kent C. Detrees
PR Specialist Lotta B. Essen
Safety Advisor Hugh Wake
Corrosion Engineer Rusty Steele
Engineer Translator Nadia Geddit
Bean Counter Ed Amame
Customer Behavior Consultant Wyatt B. Hoovesia
Caffeine Addiction counselor Bruno Moore
Chairman, Math Dept. Horatio Algebra
Chairman, Staff Physics Dept Victor Analysis
Chief Negotiator Bernadette Bridge
Co-Chairmen of Apathy Study Group Ben Thayer, Don Thatt
Commencement Speaker Gladys Overwith
Communications Director George Stayontopothis
Communications Director II Noam Sayin
Complaint Resolution Specialist Billy Aiken
Computer Hardware Specialist C. Colin Backslash
Computer Instructor C. Boynton Glick
Copyright Attorney Pat Pending
Campus Spokesperson Hugh Lyon Sack
Employment Specialist Hope Anna Prayer
Creative Director Drew A. Blank
Defense Attorney Justin Volk V
Defense Attorney II Heronimus B. Blind
Defense Attorney III Donnatella Dicoppas
Defense Attorney IV Gil T. Azell
Director of Employee Loyalty Program Upton Leftus
Director of Ethics & Honesty U. Lyon Sack
Director of Grad Student Transportation Iona Heap
Director of Nutritional Supplements Rose Hips
Director of Pavlovian Research Isabelle Ringing
Director of Pedestrian Operations Carless Castenada
Director of Photography Len Scapon
Director of Positive Reinforcement A. Kurt Nod
Director of Pollution Control Maury Missions
Director of Preventive Maintenance Oscar Ruitt
Director of Purchasing Lois Bidder
Director of Top Secret Strategy Donatello Nobatti
Martial Arts Trainer Anita Degroin
Physics Graduate Student Laura Vernersha
Campus PR Director Bea Esser
Rocket Scientist Chet Propeld
Safety Officers Mort & Fay Tality
Sales Director Aziz Nowarranty
Solicitor of New Ideas Obie Quiet
Special Liaison to the Texas Energy Commission Tanya Lightov
Staff Intern Lois Rung
Dept Head's Teenage Daughter Sasha Royal Payne Dias
Urgent Response Coordinator Candace Waite
Transportation Coordinator Rick Shaw
Travel Agent Lois Faire

"We believe the problem with the 90 cent coin is a design flaw" said US Treasury Internal Auditor Bernice Documents "Apparently, the duct tape holding the three quarters and one dime together keeps jamming any coin-operated devices."

OK, that is enough Pun-ish-ment for one day.

 

[Dick7Access]

Conversions between English rules?


OK, that is enough Pun-ish-ment for one day.

I think somebody has a lot of free time.

 

[Rx_]

Spot on! I am on holiday in Vail Colorado. My porch is over the Eagle River. The fish are biting, tired of pulling out trout. The only thing flowing faster than the river is my premium red wine. Was enjoying a few jokes here today... and I really do mean a "few". LOL