What's your best/worst joke?

[Rx_]

Gracefully backing out of a quick statement:
This is only an example - please substitute your own country, city or region with its associated relationship.

A clerk in New York works at a corner grocery. A lady comes in with a Canadian accent. She tells him she doesn't want to pay for a whole head of lettuce - eh?
She asks the clerk to chop it in half so she can pay for half.
The clerk remarks "what am I going to do with a half-head of lettuce"?
And now the arguments, excuses and reasons banter back and forth.
Finally, the clerk realizes he just wants to get the lady out of there and get back to his task. He is afraid of what he might say next, he is so worked up.
So, he cuts it in half, charges her half. She leaves.

Wound up, the clerk goes back to the open office door to get a glass of water where the owner is working on the books.
The owner looks up and says, I could hear the raised voices back here what was up. The clerk describes the Canadian lady's request, how she just kept badgering and the results. He tells the owner I just was short of telling her what I think about Canadians.
The sympathetic owner owner still working says, Yeah, there are only two groups of people in Canada, those on a hockey team and prostitutes.
The clerk is takes a gasp. My wife of 20 years, the one I bring to your house for New Years the last 15 years is Canadian.
The owner doesn't look up - Wow that is fantastic! What team did she play for?

 

[AccessBlaster]

This picture of this young boy has gone viral and is making everybody laugh.

 

[CJ_London]

lip reading State of the Union Address 2019

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=066WAeG5muE&feature=youtu.be

 

[CJ_London]

 

[AccessBlaster]

A trip down memory lane, turn up your speakers!

https://www.facebook.com/9gag/videos/10155340158596840/

 

[CJ_London]

A Mother visits her son for dinner, who lives with a female roommate.
During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between him and his roommate than met the eye.

Reading his mothers thoughts, the son volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, we are just roommates."

About a week later, his roommate came to him saying, “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver plate. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

He said ,"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." so he sat down and wrote :

Dear Mother:
I'm not saying that you "did" take the silver plate from my house, I'm not saying that you "did not" take the silver plate.... But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love,
Your Son

Several days later, he received an email from his Mother which read:

Dear Son:
I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with your roommate, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the silver plate by now, under the pillow…
Love,
Mom.

 

[The_Doc_Man]

Good one, CJ!

 

[AccessBlaster]

 

[Mark_]

 

[The_Doc_Man]

Now THERE's a scary thought for you.

 

[AccessBlaster]

 

[The_Doc_Man]

One reason I have refused to GET a smartphone is to avoid that kind of stuff. Flip-phone will work fine for me.

 

[Mark_]

Doc,

Found your phone...

 

[The_Doc_Man]

Mine is SLIGHTLY more modern. But only slightly.

 

[Gasman]

Built in aerial ?

 

[The_Doc_Man]

No, not that I can see. It is a style that some folks refer to as "clamshell" and it is on a 3G network. But I have to admit that I had to upgrade the phone I had before because it was only on a 2G network.

Then again, the ONLY reason I bought the old one was because during the months following Hurricane Katrina, I was working at a Navy alternate site in Ft. Worth Texas while my wife was supervising the contractors doing home restoration in Metairie Louisiana. She had a cell phone. I had a cell phone. The land line didn't get fixed right away and to be honest didn't need to be. We talked every night and often during the day on weekends.

Sometimes I called her on a Saturday when I was at a home furnishings store to ask her if she wanted some specific items I had seen. ALL of our current set of place mats and tablecloths came from shopping centers around Ft. Worth. THEIR shelves were stocked quite well. New Orleans? Not so much. Once a month I would come back to New Orleans for a weekend visit and drop off my finds. My mini-van was maxi-packed every time on the way home and kind of empty on the way back - but that was OK.

 

[AccessBlaster]

Back in the day the "Razor" flip phone was my go to phone. You could drop that phone it would explode into 3-4 pieces, you would put back together and off you would go. None of this broken screen crap like today.

 

[Gasman]

Sorry Doc, that was meant to be a joke.

I have a Samsung Galaxy Ace from about 2012. In Mexico recently, I lost my network and was unable to connect to the other.

It appears that was 4G and my phone is only 2G & 3G, so unable to do any charity work until the 3G network I connected to was back up.:banghead:

Sometimes technology works against you.

No, not that I can see. It is a style that some folks refer to as "clamshell" and it is on a 3G network. But I have to admit that I had to upgrade the phone I had before because it was only on a 2G network.

Then again, the ONLY reason I bought the old one was because during the months following Hurricane Katrina, I was working at a Navy alternate site in Ft. Worth Texas while my wife was supervising the contractors doing home restoration in Metairie Louisiana. She had a cell phone. I had a cell phone. The land line didn't get fixed right away and to be honest didn't need to be. We talked every night and often during the day on weekends.

Sometimes I called her on a Saturday when I was at a home furnishings store to ask her if she wanted some specific items I had seen. ALL of our current set of place mats and tablecloths came from shopping centers around Ft. Worth. THEIR shelves were stocked quite well. New Orleans? Not so much. Once a month I would come back to New Orleans for a weekend visit and drop off my finds. My mini-van was maxi-packed every time on the way home and kind of empty on the way back - but that was OK.

 

[The_Doc_Man]

Gasman, I took it that way. I know I'm a dinosaur herder at times. You should have heard the kind of guff I got when I was still at work running an OpenVMS server, which the Navy counted as a mainframe. Yep, an O/S from 1977, still running strong in 2016 and the ONLY O/S they had for which the security "hardening" list was empty. I hardly EVER had to patch anything except the network stack software. Tells you what kind of dinosaurs I used to herd. The Access stuff was how I kept my sanity with more modern systems. And if you think about the irony of THAT statement for a while...

 

[Gasman]

That is the ironic approach of my charity now.
They expect everyone to have the latest all singing all dancing smartphone to get their email etc, otherwise it is web access only.

When I joined the charity, most volunteers were of the older generation. Now we have younger volunteers, but not even all of them have the latest smartphone.