What's your best/worst joke?

[AccessBlaster]

 

[The_Doc_Man]

I recall the "perfect country song" that included topics of mother, prison, trucks, rain, guns, dogs, and bad love affairs. The refrain includes the question: Were you born an asshole or did you practice your whole life?

 

[Deleted member 147267]

Reminds me of one that I came up with when I was a kid and needed a comeback line. It was "Were you born a (fill in the appropriate word) or did you take lessons? We're talking early 1960's here.

 

[kevlray]

Back to the old phone conversation. I have a cheap flip phone (Trac phone). I do not use it much, thus not much need to spend a bunch of money for a money service. Twenty dollars every 90 days gives me plenty of minutes. My wife has the smart phone (where she gets a bunch of texts from my one daughter and we use the map services from time to time).

 

[Mackbear]

This sentence contains exactly threeee erors.

 

[Uncle Gizmo]

I like this Idea!

 

[The_Doc_Man]

He's gonna need a bigger gun.

 

[AccessBlaster]

 

[CJ_London]

Researchers have discovered the heaviest element yet known to science.

The new element, Governmentium (symbol=Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called pillocks.
Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.

A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2 to 6 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganisation in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

In fact, Governmentium’s mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganisation will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration.

This hypothetical quantity is referred to as a critical morass. When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium (symbol=Ad), an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium, since it has half as many pillocks but twice as many morons.

 

[Deleted member 147267]

Love the governmentium one. I had to look up pillock though.
I guess that an atom with no protons has nothing positive about it?

P.S. which govt has 312 members? British is 650?

 

[CJ_London]

british is 650

 

[isladogs]

However there are roughly 312 Tory MPs currently (actually 313).
The joke is however universal - any party / any country

Micron's comments reminded me that a long time ago, I got a complaint from a parent about calling her son a pillock - she had looked up its etymology.
According to one dictionary at the time, in medieval times it referred to a young boy used for prostitution. Oops!

After that I tended to use the words twannock & plonker ... both of which had equally offensive origins but got no complaints!
The word dipstick was also good for the same purpose

 

[CJ_London]

It was October and the Navajos on a remote reservation asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a chief in a modern society he had never been taught the old secrets.

When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.

But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"

"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.

A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?"

"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter." The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever."

"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.

The weatherman replied .......
"The Navajos are collecting firewood like crazy."

 

[Mark_]

This one is very fun to ask people...

"If you paired a pair of pears with a pair of pants, how many pieces in your pairing?"

I've had several people give up in frustration...

 

[Deleted member 147267]

is that the only pairing you can have with 3 parts?

 

[bradcarol]

I'm exhausted... Just got back from delivering a roll of bubble wrap.
.
.
When I asked where to put it... The woman said to pop it in the corner...
.
.
5hrs it took me...

 

[The_Doc_Man]

My grandson could probably have done it in 3 hours. He's gotten very good at that.

 

[bradcarol]

I’d never had surgery, and I was nervous. “This is a very simple, noninvasive procedure,” the anesthesiologist reassured me. I felt better, until … “Heck,” he continued, “you have 
a better chance of dying from the anesthesia than the surgery itself.”

 

[Deleted member 147267]

Gertrude and Mabel were chatting up a storm while driving along a busy street when Mabel drove through a red light.
"Goodness!" thinks Gertrude. "Was that light red?" she thinks to herself.

After a few more blocks, Mabel runs another red light while blissfully yakking away.
"Mercy! I'm almost certain that light was red!" thinks Gertrude, but she is afraid to say so, having been accused of seeing things lately.

After Mabel runs a 3rd red light, Gertrude realizes this is reality and must say something before they get killed.

"Mabel, do you realize you drove through 3 red lights?"

"Goodness me!" Mabel replies. "I thought you were driving."

 

[The_Doc_Man]

Ouch! Micron, the worst part is that one is too true to be good in some areas.