What's your best/worst joke? (1 Viewer)
- Thread starter Fornatian
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Hard words to spell
Then, of course, we have names in Louisiana if you want something hard to spell. A lot of the names are French phonetic spellings of Choctaw words, because Choctaw was not a written language. So, for example, we have
Tchopitoulas, which is a street named after a Choctaw chieftan
Nachitoches, which is another famous Choctaw, probably related to but not the same as Nacodoches (because that is in Texas and is probably a Spanish spelling of a similar but not identical name.)
Bogue Falaya, which means Black Creek (or is it Black River; I forget), in Choctaw.
Then, of course, we have names in Louisiana if you want something hard to spell. A lot of the names are French phonetic spellings of Choctaw words, because Choctaw was not a written language. So, for example, we have
Tchopitoulas, which is a street named after a Choctaw chieftan
Nachitoches, which is another famous Choctaw, probably related to but not the same as Nacodoches (because that is in Texas and is probably a Spanish spelling of a similar but not identical name.)
Bogue Falaya, which means Black Creek (or is it Black River; I forget), in Choctaw.
fuzzygeek
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In New Mexico back in 2002 we had an election. One woman who ran for the Secretary of State for NM had a name that caused her to have as a campaign slogan, "Just Call Me Sharon". She is a Navajo Native American named:
SHARON CLAHCHISCHILLIAGE
She told me it means "The curly haired one who is left handed"
in Navajo.
This is a humor spread so here goes (Some folks say I have a warped humor)
A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"
"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."
The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.
When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.
SHARON CLAHCHISCHILLIAGE
She told me it means "The curly haired one who is left handed"
in Navajo.
This is a humor spread so here goes (Some folks say I have a warped humor)
A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"
"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."
The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.
When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.
fuzzygeek
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Answering Service At Mental Institute
"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5, and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will transferred to the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until someone comes on the line.
If you are dyslexic, press 6969696969.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.
If you have post-traumatic-stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.
If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep, or before the beep, or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you."
"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5, and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will transferred to the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until someone comes on the line.
If you are dyslexic, press 6969696969.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.
If you have post-traumatic-stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.
If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep, or before the beep, or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you."
R
Rich
Guest
Parker said:
Sausages wrapped in bacon
Jacob Mathai
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corporate mergers
The following companies are merging into one:
Heil Heating & Cooling
Mary Kay Cosmetics
Fuller Brush
Grace Chemicals
The new name : Heil Mary Fuller Grace
-------------------------------------------------------
Grey Poupon and Dockers Pants
The new name : Poupon Pants
-------------------------------------------------------
FedEx and UPS
The new name : Fed Up
-------------------------------------------------------
Honeywell and Fairchild Industies
The new name : Fairwell Honeychild
The following companies are merging into one:
Heil Heating & Cooling
Mary Kay Cosmetics
Fuller Brush
Grace Chemicals
The new name : Heil Mary Fuller Grace
-------------------------------------------------------
Grey Poupon and Dockers Pants
The new name : Poupon Pants
-------------------------------------------------------
FedEx and UPS
The new name : Fed Up
-------------------------------------------------------
Honeywell and Fairchild Industies
The new name : Fairwell Honeychild
MrsGorilla
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Friday said:
Kermit's tongue is green?
I always thought it was pink.
PaddyIrishMan
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Re: Re: Mile-O-Phile
Several...
Mile-O-Phile said:
You'd probably get a slap in the face if you said "Oh, you're British?" to anyone from Ireland.
Several...
R
Rich
Guest
"British" doesn't exist anymore surely?
There were two blonde guys working for the city works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in. They worked furiously all day without rest, one guy digging a hole, the other guy filling it in again.
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. He asked the hole digger, "I appreciate the effort you are putting into your work, but what's the story? You dig a hole and your partner follows behind and fills it up again."
The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, normally we are a three-man team, but the guy who plants the trees is sick today.
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. He asked the hole digger, "I appreciate the effort you are putting into your work, but what's the story? You dig a hole and your partner follows behind and fills it up again."
The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, normally we are a three-man team, but the guy who plants the trees is sick today.
slightly belated...
A Redneck Valentine:
Collards is green
my dog's name is Blue
and I'm so lucky
to have a sweet thang like you.
Yore hair is like cornsilk
a-flapping in the breeze
Softer than Blue's
and without all them fleas.
You move like the bass,
which excite me in May.
You ain't got no scales
but I luv you anyway.
Yo're as satisfy'n as okry
jist a-fry'n in the pan.
Yo're as fragrant as "snuff"
right out of the can.
You have som'a yore teeth,
for which I am proud;
I hold my head high
when we're in a crowd.
On special occasions,
when you shave under yore arms,
well, I'm in hawg heaven,
and awed by yore charms.
Still them fellers at work,
they all want to know,
what I did to deserve
such a purdy, young doe.
Like a good roll of duct tape
yo're there fer yore man,
to patch up life's troubles
and fix what you can.
Yo're as cute as a junebug
a-buzzin' overhead.
You ain't mean like those far ants
I found in my bed.
Cut from the best cloth
like a plaid flannel shirt,
you spark up my life
more than a fresh load of dirt.
When you hold me real tight
like a padded gunrack,
my life is complete;
Ain't nuttin' I lack.
Yore complexion, it's perfection,
like the best vinyl sidin'.
despite all the years,
yore age, it keeps hidin'.
Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie
with a RC cold drank,
we go together
like a skunk goes with stank.
Some men, they buy chocolate
for Valentine's Day;
They git it at Wal-Mart,
it's romantic that way.
Some men git roses
on that special day
from the cooler at Kroger.
"That's impressive," I say.
Some men buy fine diamonds
from a flea market booth.
"Diamonds are forever,"
they explain, suave and couth.
But for this man, honey,
these won't do.
Cause yo're too special,
you sweet thang you.
I got you a gift,
without taste nor odor,
more useful than diamonds...
IT'S A NEW TROLLIN' MOTOR!!
Yipeeee....Yee Ha!
Happy Valentine's Day!
A Redneck Valentine:
Collards is green
my dog's name is Blue
and I'm so lucky
to have a sweet thang like you.
Yore hair is like cornsilk
a-flapping in the breeze
Softer than Blue's
and without all them fleas.
You move like the bass,
which excite me in May.
You ain't got no scales
but I luv you anyway.
Yo're as satisfy'n as okry
jist a-fry'n in the pan.
Yo're as fragrant as "snuff"
right out of the can.
You have som'a yore teeth,
for which I am proud;
I hold my head high
when we're in a crowd.
On special occasions,
when you shave under yore arms,
well, I'm in hawg heaven,
and awed by yore charms.
Still them fellers at work,
they all want to know,
what I did to deserve
such a purdy, young doe.
Like a good roll of duct tape
yo're there fer yore man,
to patch up life's troubles
and fix what you can.
Yo're as cute as a junebug
a-buzzin' overhead.
You ain't mean like those far ants
I found in my bed.
Cut from the best cloth
like a plaid flannel shirt,
you spark up my life
more than a fresh load of dirt.
When you hold me real tight
like a padded gunrack,
my life is complete;
Ain't nuttin' I lack.
Yore complexion, it's perfection,
like the best vinyl sidin'.
despite all the years,
yore age, it keeps hidin'.
Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie
with a RC cold drank,
we go together
like a skunk goes with stank.
Some men, they buy chocolate
for Valentine's Day;
They git it at Wal-Mart,
it's romantic that way.
Some men git roses
on that special day
from the cooler at Kroger.
"That's impressive," I say.
Some men buy fine diamonds
from a flea market booth.
"Diamonds are forever,"
they explain, suave and couth.
But for this man, honey,
these won't do.
Cause yo're too special,
you sweet thang you.
I got you a gift,
without taste nor odor,
more useful than diamonds...
IT'S A NEW TROLLIN' MOTOR!!
Yipeeee....Yee Ha!
Happy Valentine's Day!
ChrisO
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- Apr 30, 2003
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51 weeks…
Seven blondes come into a bar shouting 51 weeks, 51 weeks, high fiveing, and 51 weeks. They go to up to the bar, 51 weeks, 51 weeks, 51 weeks and eventually order their drinks (51 weeks slap slap) and go to a table (51 weeks, 51 weeks).
Shortly afterwards another blond enters the bar with a box under her arm. Going straight to get served the other seven blondes light up again 51 weeks, 51 weeks, 51 weeks. Bartender is curious but says nothing.
Blonde number eight takes drink and places box it center of table. 51 weeks, 51 weeks, 51 weeks they shout while dancing around the table with the box. 51 weeks, 51 weeks, 51 weeks.
Bartender curious…goes over to table and asks last blonde; “What’s all this about 51 weeks?
Well she said, people think blonds are dumb, and while pointing to the box says, look there…2 to 4 years, and we did it in 51 weeks, 51 weeks, 51 weeks.
Seven blondes come into a bar shouting 51 weeks, 51 weeks, high fiveing, and 51 weeks. They go to up to the bar, 51 weeks, 51 weeks, 51 weeks and eventually order their drinks (51 weeks slap slap) and go to a table (51 weeks, 51 weeks).
Shortly afterwards another blond enters the bar with a box under her arm. Going straight to get served the other seven blondes light up again 51 weeks, 51 weeks, 51 weeks. Bartender is curious but says nothing.
Blonde number eight takes drink and places box it center of table. 51 weeks, 51 weeks, 51 weeks they shout while dancing around the table with the box. 51 weeks, 51 weeks, 51 weeks.
Bartender curious…goes over to table and asks last blonde; “What’s all this about 51 weeks?
Well she said, people think blonds are dumb, and while pointing to the box says, look there…2 to 4 years, and we did it in 51 weeks, 51 weeks, 51 weeks.
- Local time
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4 to 6 Weeks
That joke reminds me of a true story.
On returning to the car after a trip around a local garden centre my wife and I decided that we were interested in some garden furniture we had seen. So we asks our son (who was about twelve at the time) to go back into the garden centre to ask what the likely delivery time would the on the suite. He came running back to the car stating that the delivery period was 46 weeks. We tried to explain to him that the shop attendant had possibly said four to six weeks but he was adamant the delivery time would be a 46 weeks. In retrospect, I reckon he was probably right.
ChrisO said:
That joke reminds me of a true story.
On returning to the car after a trip around a local garden centre my wife and I decided that we were interested in some garden furniture we had seen. So we asks our son (who was about twelve at the time) to go back into the garden centre to ask what the likely delivery time would the on the suite. He came running back to the car stating that the delivery period was 46 weeks. We tried to explain to him that the shop attendant had possibly said four to six weeks but he was adamant the delivery time would be a 46 weeks. In retrospect, I reckon he was probably right.
fuzzygeek
Energy Ebbing
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- Mar 28, 2003
- Messages
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6 Corporate Lessons
6 Corporate Lessons
Corporate Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel that you have on." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her 800 dollars and leaves.
Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies. "Great!" the husband says, "Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"
Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk in time with your stakeholders, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
Corporate Lesson 2:
A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road; he stopped and offered her a lift, which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. Changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" Once again the priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up Psalm 129. It Said, "Go forth and seek further up, you will find glory."
Moral of the story:
Always be well informed in your job, or you might miss a great opportunity.
Corporate Lesson 3
A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking tolunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one" "Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world " Poof! She's gone. Astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an Endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone. "OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.
Corporate Lesson 4:
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Corporate Lesson 5:
A turkey was chatting with a bull "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull.* "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there
Corporate Lesson 6:
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Moral of the story:
1) Not everyone who craps on you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of crap is your friend
3) And when you're in deep crap, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
6 Corporate LessonsCorporate Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel that you have on." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her 800 dollars and leaves.
Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies. "Great!" the husband says, "Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"
Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk in time with your stakeholders, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
Corporate Lesson 2:
A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road; he stopped and offered her a lift, which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. Changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" Once again the priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up Psalm 129. It Said, "Go forth and seek further up, you will find glory."
Moral of the story:
Always be well informed in your job, or you might miss a great opportunity.
Corporate Lesson 3
A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking tolunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one" "Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world " Poof! She's gone. Astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an Endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone. "OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.
Corporate Lesson 4:
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Corporate Lesson 5:
A turkey was chatting with a bull "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull.* "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there
Corporate Lesson 6:
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Moral of the story:
1) Not everyone who craps on you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of crap is your friend
3) And when you're in deep crap, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
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