What's your best/worst joke? (1 Viewer)

[fuzzygeek]

Poetic Entry

THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION ASKING FOR A RHYME WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE BUT ... THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:

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I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother.

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Roses are red, violets are blue,
sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead,
the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

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Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face.

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Kind, intelligent, loving and hot
This describes everything you are not.

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I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face.

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I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

! ************************************

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life.

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I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

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My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

*******************************************

My feelings for you no words can tell
Except for maybe "Go To H**l".

*****************************************

What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.

 

[andy_dyer]

3 men die and are transported up to heaven where they met God.

God towers over them and says "Your quality of life here will be based on the way you lived your life on earth. I'm giving each of you your heavenly transport. This will be based on
your faithfulness to your partners."

God turns to the first man. "How many times were you unfaithful to your wife?"

"Never, god."

"Very good," says God, "You may have a porsche."

God turns to the second man.

"Well, God, I've been unfaithful to my wife 4 times."

God thinks for a minute, "very well, you will have a ford."

God then asks the last man.

"Sorry God," he says, "I've strayed 34 times."

"Then you shall have a Lada."

The men get into their cars and drive off around heaven. A few minutes later they come across the porsche pulled over at the side of the road where the first man is on the floor, crying.

"What's up with you?" they ask, "You got the best car out of all of us."

"I know," he sobbed, "but I've just seen my wife going by on a pair of roller skates!"

 

[andy_dyer]

Children's Property Laws

1 If I like it, it's mine

2 If It's in my hand, it's mine

3 If I can take it from you, it's mine.

4 If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.

5 If It's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.

6 If I'm doing or building something, all the pieces are mine.

7 If it looks just like mine, it's mine.

8 If I think it's mine, it's mine.

9 If It's yours and I steal it, it's mine.

10 If I... wait a sec... this isn't the Children's Property Laws, it's Microsoft's Business Plan.

 

[andy_dyer]

Commentators Slip-Ups

Apologies to any non-Uk based forum members as you may not fully understand why these are funny without knowing the commentators...

Michael Buerk, watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage, remarked: "They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts."
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Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."
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Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."
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Jack Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards' tyre choice on World Superbike racing: "Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he wished he had a hard on now."
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Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on This Morning: "She was practising fastest finger first by herself in bed last night."
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Winning Post's Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's formidable lead: "Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what he sees."
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Ross King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond: "Well Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg."
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Cricketer Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe: "With his lovely soft hands he just tossed it off."
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Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: "There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this"
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James Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked: "What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?"
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Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69."
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The new stand at Doncaster race course took Brough Scott's breath away... "My word," he said. "Look at that magnificent erection."
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Willie Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big race when he said: "They usually have four or five dreams a night about coming from different positions."
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Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."
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A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!
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US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them.... Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!"
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Metro Radio - "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field"
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Harry Carpenter at the Oxford - Cambridge boat race 1977 - "Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew."
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Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother."
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New Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him."
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Pat Glenn- Weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"

 

[Mile-O]

Why did the chicken cross the road?

• ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
• KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.
• RONALD REAGAN: What chicken?
• PAT BUCHANAN: To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.
• BILL CLINTON: That depends on what your definition of "did" is.
• GEORGE BUSH JR: I don't know, but I'll tell you this: That chicken may run, but it can't hide. God bless America.
• DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been told!
• ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.
• MARTIN LUTHER KING JR: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
• GRANDPA: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
• CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
• FOX MULDER: Did you actually see it cross the road? Or did you suddenly notice that it had appeared on the other side? You think you saw it cross the road, but that's an illusion. How many more chickens have to appear before you believe it?
• FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
• BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken Millenium Edition, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book, and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.
• EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?
• LOUIS FARRAKHAN: What color was the chicken? If you do your research, you will find that it was a white chicken. Roads are always black. The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.
• THE BIBLE: And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
• JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's what "they" call it: the "other side." Yes, my friends, that chicken was gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side." That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It's as plain and simple as that.
• COLONEL SANDERS: You mean I missed one?

 

[Friday]

Where did the saying "Are you shi__ing me?" come from...

When George Washington was fighting the Brits for control of the 13 colonies, he had a need to cross the Potomac River one stormy night. He loaded 31 men in a boat and started across. The weather was bad, so he had one soldier, a John Peters, stand at the bow with a lantern so they could watch for landfall. The weather got really nasty as they neared the far shore, and Peters was washed overboard. After much searching, they gave up and headed on, eventually landing on the far shore. The men were understandably exhausted, cold and wet. Washington spotted a light in the distance, and herded his men toward it. They found a fairly large home, with lights burning in all the windows. Not realizing this was a local brothel, Washington marched up to the front door and knocked. An ederly lady answered the door and inquired as to his business. Washington replied, "I have several men who need warmth and care, madam". The matron advised, "That shouldn't be a problem, sir. How many men are with you?" Washington answered, "Well, I have 31 men, without Peters". And the matron replied ...

 

[wizcow]

A man gets a phone call from his doctor.
The doctor says, "I have good news and bad news".

The good news, "You only have two days to live".
The bad news, "I couldn't get in touch with you yesterday".




A man walks into a psychiatrists office.
The man says, "Nobody listens to me".

The psychiatrists says, "What".

 

[hair]

A man boards an airplane and takes his seat. As he settles in, he
glances up and sees a most beautiful woman boarding the plane.

He soon realizes she is heading straight towards his seat. A wave of
nervous anticipation washes over him. Lo and behold, she takes the
seat right beside his.
Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurts out, "Business trip or
vacation?"

"Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago", she states.
Whoa!!! He swallows hard and is instantly crazed with excitement.
Here's the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen, sitting RIGHT next
to him and she's going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his outward cool, he calmly asks, "What's your
business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer", she says. "I use my experiences to debunk some of the
popular myths about sexuality".
"Really", he says, swallowing hard, "what myths are those?"
"Well", she explains, "one popular myth is that African American men
are most well-endowed when, in fact, it is the Native American Indian
who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is
that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Greek
descent".

Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed and blushes. "I'm
sorry", she says, "I shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't
even know your name"!
"Winnetou", the man says, as he extends his hand. "Winnetou
Papadopoulos"!

 

[andy_dyer]

I know that some of these have been done before but not all and I thought it would be good to check if Hales is still checking this thread...

How many men does it take to open a can of beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Why is a laundromat a really bad place to pick up women?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer the sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

Why do men break wind more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required
pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

What's worse than a male chauvinist pig?
A woman that won't do what she's told.

I married Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months:
I don't like to interrupt her.

What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
Divorced.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a wedding cake.

Marriage is a 3 ring circus:
Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, and Suffering.

Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me,"What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust."

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said to her,"I haven't eaten anything in four days."
She looked at him and said. "God, I wish I had your will power."

Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad: That happens in every country, son.

A man inserted an advertisement in the classified: "Wife Wanted."
The next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.

 

[andy_dyer]

THE RULES OF CHOCOLATE

If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.

Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.

The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car. The solution is simple: Eat it in the parking lot.

Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite, and you'll eat less.

If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.

If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don't they actually counteract each other?

Money talks. Chocolate sings. Beautifully.

Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.

Q. Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous? A. Because no one wants to quit.

Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.

A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy?

If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you?

 

[andy_dyer]

Confucius Say

Man who fart in church must sit in own pew.

Lady who go camping must beware of evil intent.

Man who smoke pot choke on handle.

Two wrongs not make right, three lefts do.

Man who pee on electric fence, receive shocking news.

Do not drink and park, accidents cause people.

Man who get kicked in testicles left holding bag.

He who crosses ocean twice without washing is dirty double crosser.

Man who have head up ass, have crappy outlook on life.

Man who put head on railroad track to listen for train likely to end up with splitting headache.

Man who sucks nipples make clean breast of things.

Baby conceived in back seat of automatic car grow up to be shiftless bastard.

Man who have hand in pockets not crazy, just feeling nuts.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man who sit on tack get point.

Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

Find blind man on nude beach, not hard.

Girl who sit on lap of judge get honorable discharge.

Man who go to bed with sex on mind wake up with solution in hand.

Man who have hand in pocket not just jingling change.

Man who lay woman on ground, get peace on earth

Never raise hands to angry child, it leave groin exposed.

Wash your face in the morning, neck at night.

Woman who spends much time on bedspring, may have offspring.

Woman who dance while wearing jock strap have make believe ballroom.

Man who make love to exhaust pipe of car have hot rod.

Woman who cooks carrots and peas in same pot very unsanitary.

A bird in hand makes it hard to blow nose.

Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails.

Man who sneezes without handkerchief takes matters into his own hands.

Secretary not permanent, till screwed on desk.

Sailor who get discharged from navy leave buddies behind.

Man who snatches kisses when young, kisses snatches when old.

Girl who sit on lap of jockey get hot tip.

Man who fight with wife all day get no peace at night.

Man who speaks with forked tongue should not kiss balloons.

Seven days on honeymoon make one hole weak.

Man with tight trousers is pressing his luck.

Man who tell one too many light bulb jokes soon burn out.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Woman who fly plane upside down have crackup.

Man who leap off cliff jump to conclusion.

Epileptic woman who give oral sex may bite big one.

Man and mouse alike, both end up in pussy.

Wife who slides down banister makes monkey shine.

Man who take lady on camping trip, have one intent.

Man who kisses girls behind, gets crack in face.

Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day.

Panties not best thing on earth, but next to best thing on earth.

Baseball wrong, man with four balls cannot walk.

Better to be pissed off than pissed on.

America good place to Put Chinese Restaurant.

It take square ass to shit a brick.

To make egg roll, push it.

To prevent hangover stay drunk!

Man who fall in vat of molten glass make spectacle of self.

Man who jumps through screen door likely to strain himself.

Man who sneezes without hanky takes matters into his own hands.

Man who marries a girl with no bust has right to feel low down.

Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.

He who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs.

Nail on board is not good as screw on bench.

War not determine who is right, war determine who is left.

Man who go to bed with itchy ass wake up with smelly finger.

Okay for shit to happen, will decompose.

Even the greatest of whales is helpless in middle of desert.

Man trapped in pantry have ass in jam.

Man who sleep in cathouse by day, sleep in doghouse by night.

Short man who dance with tall woman get bust in mouth.

Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

Man who walk middle of road get run over by bus.

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

Man who puts pecker in peanut butter jar is f***ing nuts.

Man with athletic finger make broad jump.

Man who lay girl on hill not on level.

Man who kiss epileptic woman may get tongue-tied.

Modern house without toilet uncanny.

It takes many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

Passionate kiss like spider web, lead to undoing of fly.

Man who sit on an upturned tack shall surely rise.

Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Man who stand on toilet, must be high on pot.

Girl who rides bicycle, peddles ass all over town.

Man who sleep on railroad tracks wake up with split personality.

Woman who go to man's apartment for snack may get tit bit.

Man who drop watch in toilet, bound to have crappy time.

Man who eat many prunes, sit on toilet many moons.

Squirrel who runs up woman's leg not find nuts.

Man who live in glass house, dress in basement.

Girl who douches with vinegar walk around with sour puss.

Support bacteria, it may be the only culture some people have.

Virgin like balloon: one prick, all gone.

Procrastination like masturbation, only screw self.

Man who shoot off mouth, bound to lose face.

Man who keep feet firmly on ground, have trouble putting on pants.

He who buries a man's wife alive, should not expect to sit at that man's dinner table without subject coming up.

People who make Confucius joke speak bad English.

 

[andy_dyer]

THE THINNEST BOOKS AROUND

The Book Of Virtues By Bill Clinton

The Amish Phone Directory

Mike Tyson's Guide To Dating Etiquette

George Foreman's Big Book Of Baby Names

French Hospitality

Everything Women Know About Men

Everything Men Know About Women

Dr. Kevorkian's Collection Of Motivational Speeches

Different Ways To Spell Bob

Career Opportunities For Liberal Arts Majors

America's Most Popular Lawyers

Amelia Earhart's Guide To The Pacific Ocean

The Wild Years-By Al Gore

Things I Would Not Do For Money-By Dennis Rodman

Human Rights Advances In China

To All The Men I've Loved Before-By Ellen Degeneres

The Engineer's Guide To Fashion

My Plan To Find The Real Killers-By O. J. Simpson

How To Land A Plane At Martha's Vineyard - By Jfk, Jr.

 

[emcf]

courtesy of a packet of wotsits...

Q - what goes 'oooooooooooo'?



A - a cow with no lips.

this joke was quite funny at 10pm on a friday night after several pints of ale. loses something in the cold light of day though....

 

[ColinEssex]

A Canadian couple was strolling through a park in London and sat down on a bench next to an elderly Briton. The Brit noticed their lapel pins sporting the Canadian flag and, to make conversation, said "Judging by your pins, you must be Canadians".

"Indeed we are", replied the Canadian gentleman.

"I hope you won't mind my asking," said the Brit, "but what do the two red bars on your flag represent?"

"Well," replied the Canadian gentlman, "one of the bars stands for the courage and hardiness of our people in settling the cold expanses and broad prairies of our country. The other is for the honesty and integrity for which Canadians are known."

The Brit mulled this over and nodded. Having poor eyesight at his advanced age, and not being familiar with maple leaves, he then asked, "And what's that six-pointed item in the middle of your flag?"

"Oh, that's to remind us of the six words of our national motto," the Canadian lady piped up.

The Brit asked, "And what are those six words?"

The Canadian smiled and replied, "They are 'Don't blame us - we're not Americans.'"

 

[KKilfoil]

he then asked, "And what's that six-pointed item in the middle of your flag?"

I hate to spoil the joke, but there are eleven (11) points on the leaf on the Canadian Flag.

BTW, how come the Union Jack still contains the cross for St. Patrick, which was added when Ireland was annexed by Britian?

 

[Rich]

I hate to spoil the joke, but there are eleven (11) points on the leaf on the Canadian Flag.

BTW, how come the Union Jack still contains the cross for St. Patrick, which was added when Ireland was annexed by Britian?

Either the powers that be don't like change or because Northern Ireland at the moment is still part of the UK

 

[Tay]

THE THINNEST BOOKS AROUND

French Hospitality

No free holidays for you then!

 

[ColinEssex]

I hate to spoil the joke, but there are eleven (11) points on the leaf on the Canadian Flag.

I shall leave it to you to come up with an eleven word phrase along similar topic then I'm sure you have one - whenever I meet Canadians, they are always quick to point out that they are NOT American - its a sort of disclaimer I think

 

[Jacob Mathai]

how many Christians it takes to change a light bulb

CHANGING A LIGHT BULB THE CHRISTIAN WAY
How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?


Charismatic: Only 1
Hands are already in the air.

Pentecostal: 10
One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.


Calvinist: None
Lights will go on and off at predestined times.

Roman Catholic: None
Candles only.


Baptists: At least 15.
One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the
change and decide who brings the potato salad and fried chicken .

Episcopalians: 3
One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks and one to talk
about how much better the old one was.


Mormons: 5
One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.

Unitarians:
We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the
need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found
that light bulbs work for you, you are invited to write a poem or
compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday
service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions,
including incandescent, fluorescent, 3-way, long-life and tinted, all
of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.


Methodists: Undetermined
Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved.
You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Bring a bulb of
your choice to the Sunday lighting service and a covered dish to pass.

Nazarene: 6
One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting
policy.


Lutherans: None
Lutherans don't believe in change.

Amish:
What's a light bulb?

 

[KKilfoil]

I shall leave it to you to come up with an eleven word phrase along similar topic then I'm sure you have one - whenever I meet Canadians, they are always quick to point out that they are NOT American - its a sort of disclaimer I think

It's not our fault. We're not the United States of America.

There.... 11 words.