What's your best/worst joke? (1 Viewer)
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Jacob Mathai
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another blonde joke
This blonde was driving above speed limit and also over the dotted line.
A cop signaled her to stop. The cop was talking to the blonde.
COP : "There are two charges against you. First, high speed. Second, not staying within the lane."
Blonde : "But officer, what I did was perfectly legal."
COP : "How can you say that?"
Blonde : "See this on my car registration card. It is printed 'Tear along dotted line'."
This blonde was driving above speed limit and also over the dotted line.
A cop signaled her to stop. The cop was talking to the blonde.
COP : "There are two charges against you. First, high speed. Second, not staying within the lane."
Blonde : "But officer, what I did was perfectly legal."
COP : "How can you say that?"
Blonde : "See this on my car registration card. It is printed 'Tear along dotted line'."
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Stevie Wonder has been call as a witness in the Michael Jackson trial. Under cross examination he is reported to have stated "I aint seen nothin"
Three of the best that I come across this morning
Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on
their faces. The coroner calls in the police to tell them what has happened.
First body: "Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his
mistress. Hence the enormous smile, inspector", says the Coroner.
Second body: "Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it
all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."
The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"
"Ah," says the coroner, "This is the most unusual
one: Big Seamus Quinn from Donegal, 30, struck by lightning."
"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.
"Thought he was having his photo taken."
-------------------------------------------
A blonde girl enters a store that sells curtains.
She tells the salesman: "I would like to buy a pink curtain in the size of my computer screen".
The surprised salesman replies: - "But madam, computers do not have curtains...".
And the blonde said: - "Helloooo.... I've got Windows!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
---------------------------------------------
Essex Girl enters a sex shop & asks for a vibrator.
The man says "Choose from our range on the wall."
She says "I'll take the red one."
The man replies "That's a fire extinguisher."
Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on
their faces. The coroner calls in the police to tell them what has happened.
First body: "Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his
mistress. Hence the enormous smile, inspector", says the Coroner.
Second body: "Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it
all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."
The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"
"Ah," says the coroner, "This is the most unusual
one: Big Seamus Quinn from Donegal, 30, struck by lightning."
"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.
"Thought he was having his photo taken."
-------------------------------------------
A blonde girl enters a store that sells curtains.
She tells the salesman: "I would like to buy a pink curtain in the size of my computer screen".
The surprised salesman replies: - "But madam, computers do not have curtains...".
And the blonde said: - "Helloooo.... I've got Windows!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
---------------------------------------------
Essex Girl enters a sex shop & asks for a vibrator.
The man says "Choose from our range on the wall."
She says "I'll take the red one."
The man replies "That's a fire extinguisher."
Newman
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A blonde to a brunette:
Blonde - Wanna play for some money? You ask me a question. If I get it wrong I give you 10$. Then I ask you one. If you get it wrong, you give me 100$. And back to you until one of us is broke. OK?
Brunette - OK! But I'll go first. What is the distance between New-York and Los Angeles?
Blonde - I don't know! Here is your 10$. My turn... What has two legs in new-York, but has three in Los Angeles?
Brunette - You got me there, I don't know! Here's your 100$. What is the answer?
Blonde - I don't know, here's your second 10$.
Blonde - Wanna play for some money? You ask me a question. If I get it wrong I give you 10$. Then I ask you one. If you get it wrong, you give me 100$. And back to you until one of us is broke. OK?
Brunette - OK! But I'll go first. What is the distance between New-York and Los Angeles?
Blonde - I don't know! Here is your 10$. My turn... What has two legs in new-York, but has three in Los Angeles?
Brunette - You got me there, I don't know! Here's your 100$. What is the answer?
Blonde - I don't know, here's your second 10$.
FoFa
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From WELL, DUH, Feb 28th
When President Jimmy Carter's daughter Amy brought home a school assigment about labor history, she got help from several labor experts in her father's cabinet. Together the president's daughter and the government experts got a C on the project.
When President Jimmy Carter's daughter Amy brought home a school assigment about labor history, she got help from several labor experts in her father's cabinet. Together the president's daughter and the government experts got a C on the project.
FoFa
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From WELL, DUH Feb 23rd
Why is "Cruel and unusual punishment" against the law?
Who are we kidding? All punishment is cruel. If they locked you up in a nice hotel suit with room service, cable TV and a swimming pool, that wouldn't be punishment. It would be the Holiday Inn. And, we've been punishing people for so long, it's pretty hard to find an unusual way to do it. "First, we're going to put this bag of gum drops on your foot, the 500 pound bag. Also, you have to watch OPRAH reruns for the next ten years." Now that would be unusual punishment.
Why is "Cruel and unusual punishment" against the law?
Who are we kidding? All punishment is cruel. If they locked you up in a nice hotel suit with room service, cable TV and a swimming pool, that wouldn't be punishment. It would be the Holiday Inn. And, we've been punishing people for so long, it's pretty hard to find an unusual way to do it. "First, we're going to put this bag of gum drops on your foot, the 500 pound bag. Also, you have to watch OPRAH reruns for the next ten years." Now that would be unusual punishment.
dgoulston
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if you dont know the term "essex girl" do a search on google.. ull find just a total list with links to jokes...
from the dictionary of slang: http://www.peevish.co.uk/slang/e.htm
Essex girl Noun. Stereotypically describing a female from the county of Essex, or a female of the style of an 'Essex girl'. Characteristics may include being working class, sexually promiscuous, fashion conscious, heavily drinking, confident and of low morals. Derog.
they are seen as tarty, slutty. wear belts they call skirts (very short) lol
, go with anything and anyone.. 
this of course is not my opinion just the stereotype.
as ive dated a few of the nicer essex girls. the non Stereotypical ones.
Dal
vangogh228
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A woman goes to a doctor because of chest pains. He gives a full physical examination and tells her "You have acute angina." "Thank you." she replies, "But what about my chest pains?"
A beautiful actress' long-time agent discovered one day that
she'd been selling her body for a thousand dollars a night.
The agent, who had long lusted after his gorgeous client,
hadn't dreamed that she had been so readily available. He
approached her and, confessing his desire, asked for a date.
She shrugged and agreed to spend the night with him, but
coldly stated that he would have to pay a thousand dollars,
just like the rest of her clients.
Taken somewhat aback because of their relationship, he
reluctantly agreed, then added, "But don't I even get my
agent's ten percent as a discount?"
"No discount," she said curtly. "Take it or leave it."
Her agent wasn't all that happy with her attitude, but lust
won out and he agreed.
When she arrived at his house that evening he took her into
the bedroom and screwed the hell out of her. After the
passionate encounter, he turned out the lights and she fell asleep.
Around midnight, her aroused bedmate awakened her and they
engaged in another steamy bout of s.e x. Towards one a.m. she
was again awakened, and her horny lover engaged her in another
round of pleasure. An hour later, she was again awakened, and,
by now highly impressed at her partner's virility, she
whispered in the darkness, "My God, you're a stud! I had no
idea! I never knew how lucky I was to have you as an agent."
"I'm not your agent, baby," a strange voice answered. "He's at
the door selling tickets."
she'd been selling her body for a thousand dollars a night.
The agent, who had long lusted after his gorgeous client,
hadn't dreamed that she had been so readily available. He
approached her and, confessing his desire, asked for a date.
She shrugged and agreed to spend the night with him, but
coldly stated that he would have to pay a thousand dollars,
just like the rest of her clients.
Taken somewhat aback because of their relationship, he
reluctantly agreed, then added, "But don't I even get my
agent's ten percent as a discount?"
"No discount," she said curtly. "Take it or leave it."
Her agent wasn't all that happy with her attitude, but lust
won out and he agreed.
When she arrived at his house that evening he took her into
the bedroom and screwed the hell out of her. After the
passionate encounter, he turned out the lights and she fell asleep.
Around midnight, her aroused bedmate awakened her and they
engaged in another steamy bout of s.e x. Towards one a.m. she
was again awakened, and her horny lover engaged her in another
round of pleasure. An hour later, she was again awakened, and,
by now highly impressed at her partner's virility, she
whispered in the darkness, "My God, you're a stud! I had no
idea! I never knew how lucky I was to have you as an agent."
"I'm not your agent, baby," a strange voice answered. "He's at
the door selling tickets."
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back..or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the Testimonials of a few women who did...
FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"
I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word...he knew better.
SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who work at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."
THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my Sister has never let me forget.
FOURTH TESTIMONY:
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter.
FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a particular question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so, of course, I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then, I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No". I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time,
"Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled, "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing,
he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!
LAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow -- but don't get any....a true story.
We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!
----------------------------------------------------------
And, to finish, a new twist to an old joke.....
Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were all talking one day.Sleeping
Beauty said, I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in the world.Tom
Thumb said, I must be the smallest person in the world. Quasimodo said,
I absolutely have to be the ugliest person in the world.
They decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to have their claims
verified.
Sleeping Beauty went first and came out looking deliriously happy. It's official,
I AM the most beautiful girl in the world. Tom Thumb went next and emerged
triumphant, I am officially the smallest person in the world. Sometime later,
Quasimodo came out looking confused and simply stated:
Scroll down
Scroll down
Scroll down
Scroll down
"Who the hell is Camilla Parker Bowles?"
FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"
I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word...he knew better.
SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who work at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."
THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my Sister has never let me forget.
FOURTH TESTIMONY:
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter.
FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a particular question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so, of course, I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then, I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No". I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time,
"Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled, "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing,
he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!
LAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow -- but don't get any....a true story.
We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!
----------------------------------------------------------
And, to finish, a new twist to an old joke.....
Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were all talking one day.Sleeping
Beauty said, I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in the world.Tom
Thumb said, I must be the smallest person in the world. Quasimodo said,
I absolutely have to be the ugliest person in the world.
They decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to have their claims
verified.
Sleeping Beauty went first and came out looking deliriously happy. It's official,
I AM the most beautiful girl in the world. Tom Thumb went next and emerged
triumphant, I am officially the smallest person in the world. Sometime later,
Quasimodo came out looking confused and simply stated:
Scroll down
Scroll down
Scroll down
Scroll down
"Who the hell is Camilla Parker Bowles?"
Groundrush
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14 things a man can do at Asda while his wife is taking her time
01. Get 24 boxes of condoms & randomly put them in people's trolleys when they aren't looking.
02. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5 minute intervals.
03. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the ladies toilet.
04. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone: 'Code 3 in Housewares... and see what happens.
05. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on credit.
06. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
07. Set-up a tent in the Camping Department? and tell other shoppers you are sleeping over and invite them in if they bring pillows from the Bedding Department.
08. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask: "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
09. Look right into the security camera, use it as a mirror and pick your nose.
10. While handling large knives in the Kitchen Dept, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are located.
11. Dart around the store suspiciously, while loudly humming the theme from Mission Impossible.
12. Hide in a clothing rack . . . and when people browse through, say:
"PICK ME!!! PICK ME!!!"
13. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, hit the floor and
assume the fetal position and scream "NO!...It's those voices again!!!"
And last but not least:
14. Go into a fitting room, shut the door and wait a while... then yell loudly: "There's no toilet paper in here!"
01. Get 24 boxes of condoms & randomly put them in people's trolleys when they aren't looking.
02. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5 minute intervals.
03. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the ladies toilet.
04. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone: 'Code 3 in Housewares... and see what happens.
05. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on credit.
06. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
07. Set-up a tent in the Camping Department? and tell other shoppers you are sleeping over and invite them in if they bring pillows from the Bedding Department.
08. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask: "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
09. Look right into the security camera, use it as a mirror and pick your nose.
10. While handling large knives in the Kitchen Dept, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are located.
11. Dart around the store suspiciously, while loudly humming the theme from Mission Impossible.
12. Hide in a clothing rack . . . and when people browse through, say:
"PICK ME!!! PICK ME!!!"
13. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, hit the floor and
assume the fetal position and scream "NO!...It's those voices again!!!"
And last but not least:
14. Go into a fitting room, shut the door and wait a while... then yell loudly: "There's no toilet paper in here!"
PJMcK
New member
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1. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.
2. Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from here.
3. When an I.T. person says he's coming right over, go for coffee. That way you won't be there when we need your password. It's nothing for us to remember 700 screen saver passwords.
4. When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's keeping you from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't get into your mail because your computer won't power on at all.
5. When I.T. support sends you an E-Mail with high importance, delete it at once. We're just testing.
6. When an I.T. person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve.
7. Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.
8. When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's electronics in it.
9. When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an I.T. person's chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a puzzle.
10. When an I.T. person tells you that computer screens don't have cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument.
11. When an I.T. person tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?" That motivates us.
12. When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.
13. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the company. One of them is bound to work.
14. Don't learn the proper term for anything technical. We know exactly what you mean by "My thingy blew up".
15. Don't use on-line help. On-line help is for wimps.
2. Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from here.
3. When an I.T. person says he's coming right over, go for coffee. That way you won't be there when we need your password. It's nothing for us to remember 700 screen saver passwords.
4. When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's keeping you from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't get into your mail because your computer won't power on at all.
5. When I.T. support sends you an E-Mail with high importance, delete it at once. We're just testing.
6. When an I.T. person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve.
7. Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.
8. When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's electronics in it.
9. When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an I.T. person's chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a puzzle.
10. When an I.T. person tells you that computer screens don't have cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument.
11. When an I.T. person tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?" That motivates us.
12. When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.
13. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the company. One of them is bound to work.
14. Don't learn the proper term for anything technical. We know exactly what you mean by "My thingy blew up".
15. Don't use on-line help. On-line help is for wimps.
Jacob Mathai
Registered User.
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A bank manager was observing a new employee being very proficient in counting a wad of dollar bills. The manager started a conversation.
Manager : "Great job. Where did you get your degree from?"
Employee : "Yale"
Manager : "Please tell me your name"
Employee : "Yim Yohnson"
Manager : "Great job. Where did you get your degree from?"
Employee : "Yale"
Manager : "Please tell me your name"
Employee : "Yim Yohnson"
Newman
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A man to the doctor:
_What should I do if I want to live up to 100 years old?
-Do you smoke?
-No!
-Do you drink alcohol?
-No!
-Do you eat junk food?
-No!
-Do you take drugs?
-No!
-Do you have many partners?
-No!
-Then why do you want to live up to 100?
----------------------------------------
What is a small measure of volume? Millilitre.
What is a small measure of lenght? Millimeter.
What is a small measure of time? Millisecond.
What is a small measure of intelligence? Military.
----------------------------------------------
How do you do a rodeo with a girl?
While she's on her knees and you take her from behind, yell: "I have AIDS!"
----------------------------------------------
Just to see if you're good in math...
A bus driver gets in his bus and starts his day.
At the first bus stop, 12 persons get in.
At the second bus stop, 14 persons get in.
At the third, 8 get in and 2 get out.
At the next one, 5 get in and 5 get out.
At the next one, 4 get in and 10 get out.
At the second to last one, half of them get out.
At the terminus, they all get out except the bus driver.
The question is...
How many bus stop?
_What should I do if I want to live up to 100 years old?
-Do you smoke?
-No!
-Do you drink alcohol?
-No!
-Do you eat junk food?
-No!
-Do you take drugs?
-No!
-Do you have many partners?
-No!
-Then why do you want to live up to 100?
----------------------------------------
What is a small measure of volume? Millilitre.
What is a small measure of lenght? Millimeter.
What is a small measure of time? Millisecond.
What is a small measure of intelligence? Military.
----------------------------------------------
How do you do a rodeo with a girl?
While she's on her knees and you take her from behind, yell: "I have AIDS!"
----------------------------------------------
Just to see if you're good in math...
A bus driver gets in his bus and starts his day.
At the first bus stop, 12 persons get in.
At the second bus stop, 14 persons get in.
At the third, 8 get in and 2 get out.
At the next one, 5 get in and 5 get out.
At the next one, 4 get in and 10 get out.
At the second to last one, half of them get out.
At the terminus, they all get out except the bus driver.
The question is...
How many bus stop?
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