What's your best/worst joke? (1 Viewer)
- Thread starter Fornatian
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FoFa
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Won't Science save us?
Science, the style of thinking praticed by people who are good at passing tests, is a complexe machine for the production of poisons that nature could not produce in sufficient quantities herself.
Science examines our efforts to destroy the air, water, land and everything that moves upon it, and devises clever ways to measure how we're doing.
Smart people might say: We're poisoning ourselves. Let's stop.
Scientist say: We're poisoning ourselves 4.78% less this year than we were doing last year. Let's issue a press release.
Science, the style of thinking praticed by people who are good at passing tests, is a complexe machine for the production of poisons that nature could not produce in sufficient quantities herself.
Science examines our efforts to destroy the air, water, land and everything that moves upon it, and devises clever ways to measure how we're doing.
Smart people might say: We're poisoning ourselves. Let's stop.
Scientist say: We're poisoning ourselves 4.78% less this year than we were doing last year. Let's issue a press release.
AN INTERESTING THING ABOUT THE HUMAN MIND...
I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdgnieg.
The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid. Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at
Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer inwaht oredr the ltteers in a
wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be
in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed
it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey
lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? Yaeh and I
awlyas thought slpeling was ipmorantt
----------------------------------------------------------
An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond comparison. With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman.
Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away.
So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.
The farmer simply replied, "They're lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place.
Look 'em over and pick the one you want."
The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion.
"Well," said the man, "she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice...pigeon-toed."
The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.
The next day, ! the farmer again asked how things went.
"Well," the man replied, "she's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell...cross-eyed."
The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.
The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry."
So they were wed right away and months later the baby was born.
When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine.
He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.
"Well," explained the farmer, "She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell...pregnant when you met her."
==================================
I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdgnieg.
The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid. Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at
Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer inwaht oredr the ltteers in a
wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be
in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed
it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey
lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? Yaeh and I
awlyas thought slpeling was ipmorantt
----------------------------------------------------------
An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond comparison. With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman.
Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away.
So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.
The farmer simply replied, "They're lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place.
Look 'em over and pick the one you want."
The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion.
"Well," said the man, "she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice...pigeon-toed."
The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.
The next day, ! the farmer again asked how things went.
"Well," the man replied, "she's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell...cross-eyed."
The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.
The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry."
So they were wed right away and months later the baby was born.
When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine.
He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.
"Well," explained the farmer, "She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell...pregnant when you met her."
==================================
R
Rich
Guest
Have you forgotten, been too busy?SJ McAbney said:- I'll delete these one day, leaving Fornation's "jokes".
fuzzygeek
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A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.
"I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer. I'll smell it and order from there."
A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.
"Ah, yes, that's what I'll have -- meatloaf and mashed potatoes."
Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife. He tells her what had just happened.
The blind man eats his meal and leaves.
Several days later, the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again.
"Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."
"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork."
The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.
After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great. I'll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli."
Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him.
The blind man eats and leaves.
He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen.
He tells his wife, "Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man."
Mary complies and hands her husband the fork. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.
"Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you."
The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff, and says, "Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here..."
"I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer. I'll smell it and order from there."
A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.
"Ah, yes, that's what I'll have -- meatloaf and mashed potatoes."
Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife. He tells her what had just happened.
The blind man eats his meal and leaves.
Several days later, the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again.
"Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."
"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork."
The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.
After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great. I'll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli."
Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him.
The blind man eats and leaves.
He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen.
He tells his wife, "Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man."
Mary complies and hands her husband the fork. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.
"Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you."
The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff, and says, "Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here..."
fuzzygeek
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The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good looking man in his late 40s or early 50s.
"May I help you?" she asked.
"I want to see Natalie," the man replied.
"Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.
"No. I must see Natalie," was the man's reply.
Just then, Natalie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $1,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten one-hundred dollar bills, gave them to Natalie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see Natalie.
Natalie explained that none had ever come back two nights in a row--too expensive--and there were no discounts. The price was still $1,000.
Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Natalie and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Natalie and they went upstairs. After their session, Natalie questioned the man.
"No one has ever used me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked.
The man replied, "South Carolina."
"Really" she said. "I have family in South Carolina."
"I know," the man said. "Your father died and I am your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance."
The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer
"May I help you?" she asked.
"I want to see Natalie," the man replied.
"Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.
"No. I must see Natalie," was the man's reply.
Just then, Natalie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $1,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten one-hundred dollar bills, gave them to Natalie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see Natalie.
Natalie explained that none had ever come back two nights in a row--too expensive--and there were no discounts. The price was still $1,000.
Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Natalie and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Natalie and they went upstairs. After their session, Natalie questioned the man.
"No one has ever used me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked.
The man replied, "South Carolina."
"Really" she said. "I have family in South Carolina."
"I know," the man said. "Your father died and I am your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance."
The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer
scouser
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And another...............
A guy decides to have a party where his guests are asked to come as different emotions e.g. fear etc . On the night of the party, the first guest arrives and the host opens the door to see a guy covered in green paint with the letters N and V painted on his chest. He says to this guy, "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?"
And the guy says," I'm green with NV". The host replies, "Brilliant, come on in and have a drink."
A few minutes later the next guest arrives and the host opens the door to see a woman covered in a pink body stocking with a feather boa wrapped around her most intimate parts. He says to this woman "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?" She replies, "I'm tickled pink." The host says, "I love it, come on in and join the party."
A couple of minutes later the doorbell goes for the third time, and the host opens the door to see two Irish blokes, Paddy and Mick, standing stark naked one with his intimate part in a bowl of custard, and the other with his intimate part stuck in a pear. The host is really shocked and says, "Well, what the hell are you both doing? You could get arrested standing like that out there in the street like that. Anyhow what emotion is this supposed to be?!?!"
Paddy replies, "Well, Oim fokn discustard, and Mick here has just come in despair"
A guy decides to have a party where his guests are asked to come as different emotions e.g. fear etc . On the night of the party, the first guest arrives and the host opens the door to see a guy covered in green paint with the letters N and V painted on his chest. He says to this guy, "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?"
And the guy says," I'm green with NV". The host replies, "Brilliant, come on in and have a drink."
A few minutes later the next guest arrives and the host opens the door to see a woman covered in a pink body stocking with a feather boa wrapped around her most intimate parts. He says to this woman "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?" She replies, "I'm tickled pink." The host says, "I love it, come on in and join the party."
A couple of minutes later the doorbell goes for the third time, and the host opens the door to see two Irish blokes, Paddy and Mick, standing stark naked one with his intimate part in a bowl of custard, and the other with his intimate part stuck in a pear. The host is really shocked and says, "Well, what the hell are you both doing? You could get arrested standing like that out there in the street like that. Anyhow what emotion is this supposed to be?!?!"
Paddy replies, "Well, Oim fokn discustard, and Mick here has just come in despair"
Newman
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A woman gets in a store, buys 12 eggs, a pint of milk, 6 green apples and a TV guide. She bring it all to the cashier and gets some money for her wallet.
The cashier looks at her and says: "I'd bet 100$ that you are single. Aren't you?"
"Yes I am! How did you guess?"
"It's just that you are so ugly."
The cashier looks at her and says: "I'd bet 100$ that you are single. Aren't you?"
"Yes I am! How did you guess?"
"It's just that you are so ugly."
OK, after reading through this mammoth post, I have a couple of things to say:
1. I'm not worried about my joke being in poor taste.
2. I want my three hours back!
Guy comes home from work to find his live-in girlfriend there with her bags packed.
"What's wrong, my little pookie-pie?" he asks.
"I'm leaving you!" she said in a disgusted voice.
"And may I ask why?"
"Because someone told me that you're a paedophile!"
To which he calmly replied...
"Well, that's an awfully big word for a twelve year old, now isn't it?"
1. I'm not worried about my joke being in poor taste.
2. I want my three hours back!
Guy comes home from work to find his live-in girlfriend there with her bags packed.
"What's wrong, my little pookie-pie?" he asks.
"I'm leaving you!" she said in a disgusted voice.
"And may I ask why?"
"Because someone told me that you're a paedophile!"
To which he calmly replied...
"Well, that's an awfully big word for a twelve year old, now isn't it?"
Last edited:
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It's a cold dark night, and a man and a small child are walking through the woods.
The child says, "I'm scared!"
The man says , "It's all right for you, I've got to walk back alone!"
The child says, "I'm scared!"
The man says , "It's all right for you, I've got to walk back alone!"
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Dear Technical Support
18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from Drinking Mates 4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.
To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as Lads Night out 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9. Successive versions of Girlfriend proved no better.
A shareware program, Party Girl 2.1, which I tried, had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.
Eventually, I tried to run Girlfriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other, they caused severe damage to my hardware.
I then upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0.
While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSex Plus and Clean house 2002.
Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them.
Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail Filter, and can, without warning, Launch Turbo Strop and Whinge. These latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is.
Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring Shoe Shop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Wife 1.0 also spawns unwelcome child processes that drain my resources. These conflict with some of the new games I wanted to try out, warning me that they are an illegal operation. Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Audi TT hard drive, it often crashes.
Wife 1.0 also comes with a rather annoying pop-up called Mother-In-Law, which can't be turned off. Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2003, but there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife .0 detects Mistress 2003; it tends to delete all of your Money files before uninstalling itself.
Any ideas?
18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from Drinking Mates 4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.
To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as Lads Night out 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9. Successive versions of Girlfriend proved no better.
A shareware program, Party Girl 2.1, which I tried, had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.
Eventually, I tried to run Girlfriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other, they caused severe damage to my hardware.
I then upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0.
While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSex Plus and Clean house 2002.
Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them.
Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail Filter, and can, without warning, Launch Turbo Strop and Whinge. These latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is.
Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring Shoe Shop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Wife 1.0 also spawns unwelcome child processes that drain my resources. These conflict with some of the new games I wanted to try out, warning me that they are an illegal operation. Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Audi TT hard drive, it often crashes.
Wife 1.0 also comes with a rather annoying pop-up called Mother-In-Law, which can't be turned off. Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2003, but there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife .0 detects Mistress 2003; it tends to delete all of your Money files before uninstalling itself.
Any ideas?
Newman
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There is a troyan called Boyfriend On The Side that you could install in the wife 1.0's directory. When the two programs sees each others they might fuse into one, it is then a lot easier to get rid of Wife 1.0 without loosing any other shared files.
I hope that this helps you get rid of your spyware.
I hope that this helps you get rid of your spyware.
Oldsoftboss
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Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant
you three wishes." The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank
you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.
Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!" The woman said,
"That's okay."
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your
husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will
flock to. " The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most
beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me." So, KAZAM-she's the
most beautiful woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world
and he will be ten times richer than you. " The woman said, "That's
okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is
mine."
So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like
a mild heart attack."
Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.
Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and
continue feeling good.
Male readers: Please scroll down.
The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife!!!
Moral of the story:
Women are really dumb but think they're really smart. Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that you women never listen!
Dave
The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant
you three wishes." The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank
you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.
Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!" The woman said,
"That's okay."
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your
husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will
flock to. " The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most
beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me." So, KAZAM-she's the
most beautiful woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world
and he will be ten times richer than you. " The woman said, "That's
okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is
mine."
So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like
a mild heart attack."
Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.
Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and
continue feeling good.
Male readers: Please scroll down.
The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife!!!
Moral of the story:
Women are really dumb but think they're really smart. Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that you women never listen!
Dave
Rusty
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How to be politically correct when you comment about women...
She is not a BLEACHED BLONDE - She is PEROXIDE DEPENDENT.
She is not a BAD COOK - She is MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE.
She does not wear TOO MUCH JEWELLERY - She is METALLICALLY OVERBURDENED.
She is not CONCEITED - She is INTIMATELY AWARE OF HER BEST QUALITIES.
She does not want to be MARRIED - She wants to lock you in DOMESTIC INCARCERATION.
She does not GAIN WEIGHT - She is a METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER.
She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
She is not TOO SKINNY - She is SKELETALLY PROMINENT.
She does not HAVE A MOUSTACHE - She is IN TOUCH WITH HER MASCULINE SIDE.
She does not HATE TELEVISED SPORTS - She is ATHLETICALLY IGNORANT.
She does not WEAR TOO MUCH PERFUME - She commits FRAGRANCE ABUSE.
She does not GO SHOPPING - She is RETAIL FLUENT.
She is not an AIR HEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
She is not COLD or FRIGID - She is THERMALLY INACCESSIBLE.
She does not WEAR TOO MUCH MAKEUP - She has reached COSMETIC SATURATION.
She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE
She is not a BLEACHED BLONDE - She is PEROXIDE DEPENDENT.
She is not a BAD COOK - She is MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE.
She does not wear TOO MUCH JEWELLERY - She is METALLICALLY OVERBURDENED.
She is not CONCEITED - She is INTIMATELY AWARE OF HER BEST QUALITIES.
She does not want to be MARRIED - She wants to lock you in DOMESTIC INCARCERATION.
She does not GAIN WEIGHT - She is a METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER.
She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
She is not TOO SKINNY - She is SKELETALLY PROMINENT.
She does not HAVE A MOUSTACHE - She is IN TOUCH WITH HER MASCULINE SIDE.
She does not HATE TELEVISED SPORTS - She is ATHLETICALLY IGNORANT.
She does not WEAR TOO MUCH PERFUME - She commits FRAGRANCE ABUSE.
She does not GO SHOPPING - She is RETAIL FLUENT.
She is not an AIR HEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
She is not COLD or FRIGID - She is THERMALLY INACCESSIBLE.
She does not WEAR TOO MUCH MAKEUP - She has reached COSMETIC SATURATION.
She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE
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Oldsoftboss
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How to treat a Woman
It is not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:
1. A friend
2. A companion
3. A lover
4. A brother
5. A father
6. A master
7. A chef
8. An electrician
9. A carpenter
10. A plumber
11. A mechanic
12. A decorator
13. A stylist
14. A sexologist
15. A gynaecologists
16. A psychologist
17. A pest exterminator
18. A psychiatrist
19. A healer
20. A good listener
21. An organiser
22. A good father
23. Very clean
24. Sympathetic
25. Athletic
26. Warm
27. Attentive
28. Gallant
29. Intelligent
30. Funny
31. Creative
32. Tender
33. Strong
34. Understanding
35. Tolerant
36. Prudent
37. Ambitious
38. Capable
39. Courageous
40. Determined
41. True
42. Dependable
43. Passionate
WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
44. Give her compliments regularly
45. Love shopping
46. Be honest
47. Be very rich
48. Not stress her out
49. Not look at other girls
IN ADDITION, YOU MUST:
50. Give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
51. Give her lots of time, especially time for herself
52. Give her lots of space, never worrying about where she
goes
53. It is very important that you never forget:
* Birthdays
* Anniversaries
* Arrangements she makes
HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY:
1. Shag him
2. Leave him in peace
************
Dave
It is not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:
1. A friend
2. A companion
3. A lover
4. A brother
5. A father
6. A master
7. A chef
8. An electrician
9. A carpenter
10. A plumber
11. A mechanic
12. A decorator
13. A stylist
14. A sexologist
15. A gynaecologists
16. A psychologist
17. A pest exterminator
18. A psychiatrist
19. A healer
20. A good listener
21. An organiser
22. A good father
23. Very clean
24. Sympathetic
25. Athletic
26. Warm
27. Attentive
28. Gallant
29. Intelligent
30. Funny
31. Creative
32. Tender
33. Strong
34. Understanding
35. Tolerant
36. Prudent
37. Ambitious
38. Capable
39. Courageous
40. Determined
41. True
42. Dependable
43. Passionate
WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
44. Give her compliments regularly
45. Love shopping
46. Be honest
47. Be very rich
48. Not stress her out
49. Not look at other girls
IN ADDITION, YOU MUST:
50. Give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
51. Give her lots of time, especially time for herself
52. Give her lots of space, never worrying about where she
goes
53. It is very important that you never forget:
* Birthdays
* Anniversaries
* Arrangements she makes
HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY:
1. Shag him
2. Leave him in peace
************
Dave
Oldsoftboss
AWF VIP
- Local time
- Today, 19:25
- Joined
- Oct 28, 2001
- Messages
- 2,499
man rushes home, bursting through the front door of his house yelling to
his wife: "Pack your bags honey, I just won the lottery! All $10 million of
it..................Wooooooohooooo !"
"That's great Darling!” she replies, "Do I pack for the beach or for the
mountains?"
"Who cares," he replies, "Just f**k off!"
************
his wife: "Pack your bags honey, I just won the lottery! All $10 million of
it..................Wooooooohooooo !"
"That's great Darling!” she replies, "Do I pack for the beach or for the
mountains?"
"Who cares," he replies, "Just f**k off!"
************
Oldsoftboss
AWF VIP
- Local time
- Today, 19:25
- Joined
- Oct 28, 2001
- Messages
- 2,499
A middle aged guy bought a brand new Mercedes convertible. He took off down the
road, pushed it up to 150kph, and was enjoying the wind blowing through his
(thinning) hair. "This is great," he thought and accelerated to an even higher
speed.
But then he looked in his rear-view mirror, and there was a Police Car behind
him, blue lights flashing. "I can get away from him with no problem" thought the
man and he floored it some more, and flew down the road at over 250kph to escape
being stopped.
Then he thought, "What the hell am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing"
and pulled over to the side of the road, and waited for the Police car to catch
up with him.
The Policeman pulled in behind the Mercedes and walked up on the driver's side.
"Sir," he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in a few minutes and today
is Friday the 13th. If you can give me a good reason why you were speeding that
I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The man looked back at the Policeman and said, "Last week my wife ran off with a
Policeman, and I thought you were bringing her back."
The Policeman said, "Have a nice day."
road, pushed it up to 150kph, and was enjoying the wind blowing through his
(thinning) hair. "This is great," he thought and accelerated to an even higher
speed.
But then he looked in his rear-view mirror, and there was a Police Car behind
him, blue lights flashing. "I can get away from him with no problem" thought the
man and he floored it some more, and flew down the road at over 250kph to escape
being stopped.
Then he thought, "What the hell am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing"
and pulled over to the side of the road, and waited for the Police car to catch
up with him.
The Policeman pulled in behind the Mercedes and walked up on the driver's side.
"Sir," he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in a few minutes and today
is Friday the 13th. If you can give me a good reason why you were speeding that
I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The man looked back at the Policeman and said, "Last week my wife ran off with a
Policeman, and I thought you were bringing her back."
The Policeman said, "Have a nice day."
Oldsoftboss
AWF VIP
- Local time
- Today, 19:25
- Joined
- Oct 28, 2001
- Messages
- 2,499
Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand
while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show
looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a
calculator).....applies to engineers mainly.
Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The
true answer is always either sex, cars, or sports. I have to make up
something else when you ask, so don't ask.
Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your
mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother too.
Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances
are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't....and if you are feeling
amorous afterwards...then I will certainly at least remember the name and
recommend it to others.
Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you
were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine.
With the belt or without it, looks fine.Your hair is fine.You look fine.
Can we just go now?
Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2005, I will share
equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the
cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest...... like wandering around in the garden with a beer wondering what to do.
while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show
looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a
calculator).....applies to engineers mainly.
Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The
true answer is always either sex, cars, or sports. I have to make up
something else when you ask, so don't ask.
Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your
mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother too.
Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances
are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't....and if you are feeling
amorous afterwards...then I will certainly at least remember the name and
recommend it to others.
Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you
were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine.
With the belt or without it, looks fine.Your hair is fine.You look fine.
Can we just go now?
Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2005, I will share
equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the
cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest...... like wandering around in the garden with a beer wondering what to do.
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