What's your best/worst joke?
- Thread starter Fornatian
- Start date
R
Rich
Guest
MrsGorilla said:In fact, I think you're very vulgar.
Only by putting George in front of Bush
R
Rich
Guest
lmnop7854 said:Isn't "Rich" a 4 letter word?
No, it's an appellation
R
Rich
Guest
Wrong tribelmnop7854 said:
R
Rich
Guest
What's the difference between a Harley and vacuum cleaner?
The position of the dirt bag.
The position of the dirt bag.
fuzzygeek
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GREAT LITERARY TAUNTS
"I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here."
--- Stephen Bishop
"A modest little person, with much to be modest about." -- Winston
Churchill (about Clement Atlee)
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing
trivial." --- Irvin S. Cobb
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with
great pleasure." --- Clarence Darrow
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to
the dictionary." --- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in
others." --- Samuel Johnson
"He had delusions of adequacy." --- Walter Kerr
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." ---
Groucho Marx
"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of
human knowledge." --- Thomas Brackett Reed
"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." --- Forrest Tucker
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I
approved of it." ---Mark Twain
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." --- Mae
West
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go."
--- Oscar Wilde
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." ---
Oscar Wilde
"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." --- Billy Wilder
"I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here."
--- Stephen Bishop
"A modest little person, with much to be modest about." -- Winston
Churchill (about Clement Atlee)
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing
trivial." --- Irvin S. Cobb
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with
great pleasure." --- Clarence Darrow
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to
the dictionary." --- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in
others." --- Samuel Johnson
"He had delusions of adequacy." --- Walter Kerr
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." ---
Groucho Marx
"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of
human knowledge." --- Thomas Brackett Reed
"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." --- Forrest Tucker
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I
approved of it." ---Mark Twain
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." --- Mae
West
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go."
--- Oscar Wilde
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." ---
Oscar Wilde
"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." --- Billy Wilder
Jacob Mathai
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Having a bad day???
Having a bad day?????
In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the
same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 am., regardless of
their medical condition.
This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something
to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as
to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 a.m. on Sunday, so a
worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause
of the incidents.
The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 a.m., all of
the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see
for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some
were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects
to ward off the evil spirits.
Just when the clock struck 11:00, Pookie Johnson, the part-time
Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support
system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.
Having a Bad Day????
The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez
Oil spill in Alaska was $80,000.00. At a special ceremony, two
of the most expensively saved animals were being released back
into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers.
A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.
Still think you are having a Bad Day????
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking
frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire
running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to
jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a
handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to
that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.
STILL think you're having a Bad Day????
Two animal rights defenders were protesting the cruelty of sending
pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two
thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence,
stampeding madly.
The two helpless protesters were trampled to death.
What?? STILL having a Bad Day????
Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a
letter bomb. It came back with "Return to Sender" stamped on
it.
Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits
There now, feeling Better ???
Having a bad day?????
In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the
same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 am., regardless of
their medical condition.
This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something
to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as
to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 a.m. on Sunday, so a
worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause
of the incidents.
The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 a.m., all of
the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see
for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some
were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects
to ward off the evil spirits.
Just when the clock struck 11:00, Pookie Johnson, the part-time
Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support
system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.
Having a Bad Day????
The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez
Oil spill in Alaska was $80,000.00. At a special ceremony, two
of the most expensively saved animals were being released back
into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers.
A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.
Still think you are having a Bad Day????
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking
frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire
running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to
jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a
handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to
that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.
STILL think you're having a Bad Day????
Two animal rights defenders were protesting the cruelty of sending
pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two
thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence,
stampeding madly.
The two helpless protesters were trampled to death.
What?? STILL having a Bad Day????
Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a
letter bomb. It came back with "Return to Sender" stamped on
it.
Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits
There now, feeling Better ???
RayH
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fuzzygeek
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Just some stuff I was sent at work:
Here is some Irish Humor:
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over
by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and
bruised and he's walking with a limp.
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he
must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin'
he gave me with it."
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have
something in your hand?"
That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it
was, but useless in a fight."
************************************************************************
**********************************
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city
one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over.
"So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this
evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across
his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd
gone deaf."
************************************************************************
***********************************
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan
arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's
my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda." There was an
accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry.
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and
drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least
go quickly?"
"Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."
************************************************************************
************************************
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning
service, and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away
last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he
have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father." The priest says, "What did he ask,
Mary? "
She says, He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'
************************************************************************
*********************************
AND THE BEST FOR LAST
A drunk staggers into a Church, enters a confessional
booth, sits down but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk
continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this
side either."
Here is some Irish Humor:
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over
by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and
bruised and he's walking with a limp.
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he
must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin'
he gave me with it."
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have
something in your hand?"
That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it
was, but useless in a fight."
************************************************************************
**********************************
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city
one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over.
"So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this
evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across
his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd
gone deaf."
************************************************************************
***********************************
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan
arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's
my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda." There was an
accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry.
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and
drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least
go quickly?"
"Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."
************************************************************************
************************************
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning
service, and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away
last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he
have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father." The priest says, "What did he ask,
Mary? "
She says, He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'
************************************************************************
*********************************
AND THE BEST FOR LAST
A drunk staggers into a Church, enters a confessional
booth, sits down but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk
continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this
side either."
Oldsoftboss
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Do you hear about the streaker that ran into the church ?
He was caught by the organ.
Dave
He was caught by the organ.
Dave
selenau837
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Are you a Democrat, a Republican, or a "Southern Republican"
Body: Here is a little test that will help you decide.
You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you. You are carrying a Glock 40 cal, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?
Democrat's Answer:
Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
Does the man look poor or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think?
What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
What does the law say about this situation?
Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?
Should I call 9-1-1?
Why is this street so deserted?
We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.
This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for few days and try to come to a consensus.
Republican's Answer:
BANG!
Southern Republican's Answer:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click......(sounds of reloading).
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click
Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or the Hollow Points that
I bought you for your birthday?"
Body: Here is a little test that will help you decide.
You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you. You are carrying a Glock 40 cal, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?
Democrat's Answer:
Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
Does the man look poor or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think?
What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
What does the law say about this situation?
Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?
Should I call 9-1-1?
Why is this street so deserted?
We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.
This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for few days and try to come to a consensus.
Republican's Answer:
BANG!
Southern Republican's Answer:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click......(sounds of reloading).
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click
Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or the Hollow Points that
I bought you for your birthday?"
david.brent
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Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the toilet. Those who remained talked about their sons.
The first bloke said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the ladder. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday."
The second bloke said, " that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot. eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday."
The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion."
The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the toilet and asked: "What are all the congratulations for?" One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. ...What about your son?"
The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a night-club." The three friends said: "What a shame...what a disappointment." The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. He hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends."
*******************************************************
Think I'm about to be busted by the * police...
There's nothing worse than a doctor's receptionist who insists you tell
her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most
of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.
An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded doctor's waiting room. As he
approached the desk, the receptionist said, " Yes sir, what are you
seeing the doctor for today?"
"There's something wrong with my d*ck," he replied. The receptionist
became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded doctor's
room and say things like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said. The
receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in
this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong
with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with
the doctor in private."
The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people such things, in a room full
of others, if the answer could embarrass anyone." The man walked out,
waited several minutes and then re-entered.
The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?". "There's something
wrong with my ear," he stated. The receptionist nodded approvingly and
smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your
ear, sir?".
I can't p*ss out of it," the man replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter.
*******************************************************
A fire fighter is working outside the station when he notices a little boy in a little red wagon with little ladders on the sides, a garden hose coiled in the middle, and wearing a fire fighter's helmet. The wagon is being pulled by his dog and cat. The fire fighter takes a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration. "Thanks," the boy says. The fire fighter notices the boy has tied the wagon to his dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
"Little Partner," the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster. The little boy replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."
No offence intended to anyone
The first bloke said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the ladder. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday."
The second bloke said, " that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot. eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday."
The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion."
The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the toilet and asked: "What are all the congratulations for?" One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. ...What about your son?"
The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a night-club." The three friends said: "What a shame...what a disappointment." The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. He hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends."
*******************************************************
Think I'm about to be busted by the * police...
There's nothing worse than a doctor's receptionist who insists you tell
her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most
of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.
An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded doctor's waiting room. As he
approached the desk, the receptionist said, " Yes sir, what are you
seeing the doctor for today?"
"There's something wrong with my d*ck," he replied. The receptionist
became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded doctor's
room and say things like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said. The
receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in
this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong
with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with
the doctor in private."
The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people such things, in a room full
of others, if the answer could embarrass anyone." The man walked out,
waited several minutes and then re-entered.
The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?". "There's something
wrong with my ear," he stated. The receptionist nodded approvingly and
smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your
ear, sir?".
I can't p*ss out of it," the man replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter.
*******************************************************
A fire fighter is working outside the station when he notices a little boy in a little red wagon with little ladders on the sides, a garden hose coiled in the middle, and wearing a fire fighter's helmet. The wagon is being pulled by his dog and cat. The fire fighter takes a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration. "Thanks," the boy says. The fire fighter notices the boy has tied the wagon to his dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
"Little Partner," the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster. The little boy replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."
No offence intended to anyone
selenau837
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Just for rak!!
Max at the therapist
Therapist: Max, I want you to start taking these pills.
Max: ARe they habit-forming?
Therapist: Not if you take them every day.
Max at the therapist
Therapist: Max, I want you to start taking these pills.
Max: ARe they habit-forming?
Therapist: Not if you take them every day.
selenau837
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rak said:ONLY for Selenau :
How do you know when you're staying in a South Carolina hotel?
"When you call the front desk and say "I've gotta leak in my sink."
and the person at the front desk says "go ahead".
Now, now rak, I was giving you a joke and you make a mean one about SC *sniff, pout, sniff*
It was pretty cute though.
selenau837
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rak said:Sorry for that Selenau. I felt I had to post something and translated this one from an original Belgium joke. So please don't be upset, as the Belges are worse than SC habitants
Muuhahaha, I could never be mad. It was cute actually. I'm really sweet and rarely take things to heart. I can be just as playfully vicious back so watch out....*roawr, giggle, roawr*
FoFa
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2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root.
1000 A.D. - That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer.
1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion.
1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill.
1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic.
2000 A.D. - That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.
1000 A.D. - That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer.
1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion.
1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill.
1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic.
2000 A.D. - That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.
Jacob Mathai
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The joy of paying taxes
A man made a Freedom of Information request to the Internal Revenue Service (Income Tax Office), asking whether there was an audit file on him.
A week later he received the reply. It said: "There one is now."
A man made a Freedom of Information request to the Internal Revenue Service (Income Tax Office), asking whether there was an audit file on him.
A week later he received the reply. It said: "There one is now."
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