What's your best/worst joke? (2 Viewers)

Anyway... Back to the Jokes!!!

How do you kill a circus?
Go for the Juggler....

How does Bob Marley like his donuts?
With Jammin', with Jammin', with Jammin'

Two fish in a tank, one says to the other "how the hell do you drive this thing?"

what's pink and handy?
A hand

Whats black and white and eats like an horse?
A Zebra

The toilet was nicked from the local Police Station
They now have nothing to go on!
 
No offense but this is funny...

No offense but if you visualize, you'll be on the floor just as I was when I heard this...

"There's this blonde girl (BG). She's crying, very upset and calls her boyfriend (BF):

BG: <upset making frustrated and stressed out weeping sounds> "Honey, can you come over right now and help me?"

BF: "What wrong? You really sound upset. What is it?"

BG: "Well, I went to the store and bought this puzzle and I've been working on it all day. I've got all the pieces out on the table and even on the floor and I can't even get one piece to fit! Can you please come over and help me with this?"

BF: <relieved that's it's not something critical> "Ohh, okay sweetheart. Whew! I thought it was a big deal or something was really wrong...okay, I'll be right over. Tell you what, why don't you make us some of your famous coffee and we'll sit together and get this thing put together for your wall. What is the puzzle of anyway?"

BG: "Thanks baby. It's a Tiger, anyway, see you soon!"

<Boyfriend arrives at Blonde girl's place>...

<Boyfriend enters room where the puzzle is and blonde girl shows him her puzzle>...

BG: <she runs over to the table> "See honey, not one piece will fit."

BF: <looks up into the air and sighs> "...okay sweety. Tell you what. Let's have some coffee first and then I'll help you put all the Frosted Flakes back into the box"...

...I know, but it is funny!?#?$?$?!
 
Using The Toilet At Work

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked backin our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORKPOO is inevitable.

For those who hate pooing at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

CROP DUSTING
When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled.. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

FLY BY
The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooing. Walk in and check for other pooers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again.Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE
A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a Poo in a cubicle. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an ESCAPEE, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen.If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an ESCAPEE. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK
When forcing a poo, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the cubicle until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poo hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poo has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME
Walking from the cubicle, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOER
A colleague who poos at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an OUT OF THE CLOSET POOER enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the OUT OF THE CLOSET POOER before entering the bathroom.

THE POOING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)
A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooing goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of OUT OF THE CLOSET POOERS, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS
A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooer of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR
Someone who does not realize that you are in the cubicle and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poo at work. If this occurs, remain in the cubicle until the TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH
A phoney cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a cubicle. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential TURD BURGLARS. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE
A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential TURD BURGLARS that you are occupying a cubicle. This will remove all doubt that the cubicle is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooer can poo in peace.

WATERMELON
A poo that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a WATERMELON coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET
A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an ESCAPEE. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE.

UNCLE TED
A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poo when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.
 
David Beckham at a management seminar says, "I like them because they make my breath fresh."

Stunned silence until someone shouts "TACTICS you thick £$&*"

:D
 
andy_dyer said:
David Beckham at a management seminar says, "I like them because they make my breath fresh."

Stunned silence until someone shouts "TACTICS you thick £$&*"

:D
Click to expand...
Somebody else posted this one earlier
 
We are now on the 15th page!!

I'm not going to trawl back just to check!! :p

It's funny enough to be posted twice tho!!

:D
 
A beautiful young woman about to undergo a minor operation is lying on a
gurney in a hospital corridor awaiting the medical staff.

A man in a white coat approaches her, lifts up the sheet, and visually
examines her naked body. He walks away and confers with another man in a
white coat. The second man then approaches the girl and performs the same
examination.

When a third man approaches her, she asks impatiently, "These examinations
are fine, but when are you going to start the operation?"

He shrugs and says, "Your guess is as good as mine, lady. We're just here
to paint the halls."
 
Hi indesisiv!!

Haven't seen too many people from Yorkshire around here!!

Where abouts r u in Yorkshire??

I'm living in Doncaster!!
 
A few miles outside of Hull!!
It's a great place honest lol
 
HeHe it's one of the reasons i never go into Hull unless I can really help it.
I live outside of Hull in a different county "i think".
 
Well now that I've met a fellow forum member from yorkshire, back to the Jokes!!

I met a Dutch girl the other day with inflatable shoes, but when I rang to ask for a date, I heard she had popped her clogs!....

:eek:
 
Q. What do you call a sheep tied to a lamp-post in Wales?

A. A leisure center
 
Girlfriends

Last year, my friend upgraded his GirlFriend 3.1 to GirlFriendPlus 1.0 (marketing name: Fiancee 1.0). Recently he upgraded Fiancee 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and it's a memory hogger, it has taken all his space; and Wife 1.0 must be running before he can do anything. Although he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw and BrotherInLaw.

Some features I'd like to see in the Upcoming GirlFriend 4.0...

A "Don't remind me again" button
Minimize button
Shutdown feature
An install shield feature so that Girlfriend 4.0 can be completely uninstalled if so desired (so you don't lose cache and other objects)
A Remote control for the these features would be a nice upgrade.
I tried running GirlFriend 2.0 with GirlFriend 1.0 still installed, but they tried using the same i/o port and conflicted. Then I tried to uninstall GirlFriend 1.0 but it didn't have an uninstall program. I tried to uninstall it by hand, but it put files in my system directory. Another problem with all versions of GirlFriend that I've used is that it is totally object oriented and only supports hardware with gold plated contacts.

***** BUG WARNING ********

Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources.

******** Related Experiences *********

Last year a friend upgraded GirlFriend 4.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that it soon began spawning child-processes that are consuming valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself in such a way that it is always launched at system initialization where it can monitor all other system activity. My friend is finding that some applications such as Poker-Night 10.3 and BeerBash 2.5 are no longer able to run, crashing the system whenever selected (even though they always worked fine before).

As a result, I decided to avoid all the problems associated with Wife 1.0 by sticking with GirlFriend 4.0. Even here, however, I found many headaches. For example, the uninstall program for GirlFriend 4.0 doesn't work very well, leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system. Even worse, all versions of GirlFriend constantly pop up little annoying messages -- about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0.
 
Captains Red Shirt

Centuries ago when the Seas were ruled by pirates, there was a certain captain. One day this captain was relaxing when the lookout burst into his quarters. "Captain, pirate ship off the port bow!"

The captain then called for his first mate and said, "First mate, bring me my red shirt!" The red shirt was brought to him, they went into battle and won.

The next day the lookout again burst into the room and said, "Captain, two pirate ships closing fast!" Once again the captain called for the first mate and said, "First mate, bring me my red shirt!" The first mate brought him his red shirt and once again they won the battle.

During the celebration the first-mate asked, "Captain, why do you always ask for your red shirt when we go into battle?"

"The answer is simple. That way, if I'm injured, the crew won't know and they won't lose hope."

Just then the lookout burst through the door, "Captain, ten ships closing fast!"

"First mate, bring me my brown pants!"
 
Boyfriends

This one for Hayley and any other female out there!!

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting modules, limiting access to flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9 but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

--Desperate


Dear Desperate,

Keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try to enter the command: C:/ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications: Guilty 3.0 and Flowers 7.0. But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create "Snoring Loudly" wave files.

DO NOT install Mother-In-Law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 5.3. Also, running Nagging 5.3 too often can sometimes cause Husband 1.0 to secretly install Mistress 1.0, which would then require you to run Private Investigator 7.5 utility and possibly even Attorney 9.0, which could lead to a system wide failure and the need to reboot Husband 1.0!

Everybody clear on this now? --Tech support
 
..here's a rugby joke just in time for saturday's crunch match (apologies if someone has already posted this - don't have time to look through 16-odd pages of postings!!

"The England rugby practice was delayed nearly two hours today after a player reported finding an unknown white powdery substance on the practice field.

Coach Clive Woodward immediately suspended practice while police and federal investigators were called to investigate. After a complete analysis, investigating forensic experts determined that the white substance unknown to players was the TRY line.

Practice was resumed after special agents decided the England team was unlikely to encounter the substance again"


I must admit i will be supporting the ingerlish even though i'm reffered to down here as a 'sweaty'. reason being is that i've got a spread bet open on them to win!!
 
How to impress a woman:
compliment her,
respect her,
honor her,
cuddle her,
kiss her,
caress her,
love her,
stroke her,
tease her,
comfort her,
protect her,
hug her,
hold her,
spend money on her,
wine and dine her,
buy things for her,
listen to her,
care for her,
stand by her,
support her,
go to the ends of the earth for her.

How to impress a man:
Show up naked. Bring beer.
 
Q: What is the difference between Mick Jagger and a Scot ?






A: Mick Jagger says "Hey, you, get off of my cloud". A Scot says "Hey, McCloud, get off of my ewe".
 
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