What's your best/worst joke? (1 Viewer)

[KKilfoil]

.. It was a warm, sunny Sunday, so a man and his wife decided to take in the zoo. They spent the day and at closing time they walked past the gorilla cage and the man noticed the gorilla looking at his wife.
"That gorilla is getting excited just looking at your chest," he said. "Why don't you take your blouse off and we'll see what he does?"
At first she declined but finally persuaded by her husband, she took off her blouse and bra. The gorilla went nuts. He started grunting and jumping up and down.
"Hey," the husband said, "let's really blow his mind. Take off all your clothes and we'll see what he does." Again she said no and again he persuaded her. This time the ape really went bananas! He climbed up and down the bars, did flips, ran around in circles and tossed his food all over the cage.
The husband went over to the cage, opened the door and
pushed his wife in.

"Now," said the husband with an evil smile, "tell *HIM*, you have a headache!"

 

[KKilfoil]

... A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. Her mother asked, "How was the honeymoon?"
"Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..."
Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language...things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4 letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home.... Please mama!"
"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?"
"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed they're just too awful! Come get me, please!"
"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset.... Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"

Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, mama...words like DUST, WASH, IRON, COOK...!"

 

[KKilfoil]

... There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a private club after exercising. Suddenly a cell phone on one of the benches rings. A man picks it up, and the following conversation ensues:
"Hello?"
"Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
"Yes."
"Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a beautiful mink coat. It's absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"
"What's the price?"
"Only $1,500.00."
"Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much ... "
"Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2001 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman, and he gave me a really good price ... and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year ... "
"What price did he quote you?"
"Only $60,000 ... "
"OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
"Great! But before we hang up, something else ... "
"What?"
"It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and ... I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at last year. It's on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property ... "
"How much are they asking?"
"Only $450,000 - a magnificent price...and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover ... "
"Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. OK?"
"OK, sweetie ... Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"
"Bye ... I do too ... "
The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap, and raises his hand and asks all those present,

"Okay... who's phone is this?"

 

[KKilfoil]

How many times do cow's mate a year?
A man takes his wife to the stock show. They start heading down the alley that houses all the bulls. The sign on the first bull's stall states: "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year, isn't that nice!." They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You could learn from this one!" They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one." The fed up man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and inquire if it was 365 times with the same cow."

 

[MrsAlly]

Is that Ally, Ally, with a broken ankle?

Yes that's me! It's finally healing. Got some honeymoon pix back the other day and there's me in the sea, on the beach, on the motorbike ... in hospital!

 

[Rich]

How on earth did you break your ankle, on honeymoon?

 

[ColinEssex]

How on earth did you break your ankle, on honeymoon?

Rich Remember? I told you privately - I didn't want to broadcast it to the world!!!!!

 

[MrsAlly]

Rich Remember? I told you privately - I didn't want to broadcast it to the world!!!!!

Oh Col, you're such a sweety. Thanks for not telling the world about the chandeliers swinging thing!

 

[Rich]

Oh Col, you're such a sweety. Thanks for not telling the world about the chandeliers swinging thing!

He didn't but we're all ears

 

[ColinEssex]

Oh Col, you're such a sweety. Thanks for not telling the world about the chandeliers swinging thing!

Don't be silly A. Its no good making out you had chandeliers in your hotel room. We all know it was the wardrobe jump and dodgy landing that did it

Col

 

[Rich]

Don't be silly A. Its no good making out you had chandeliers in your hotel room. We all know it was the wardrobe jump and dodgy landing that did it

Col

jumped from the wardrobe to the landing, phew, some leap

 

[Jacob Mathai]

We need to keep this thread going

A cannibal took an ocean voyage. The first evening, he went to the dining room and announced, "I am starving!"
The waiter asked if he wanted to see a menu. "No," said the cannibal. "Just bring me the passenger list."

 

[andy_dyer]

Q. What do you call a lady who doesn't like butter?
A. Marge

Q. Why did the tomato turn red?
A. It saw a salad dressing!

Q. Why did the gum cross the road?
A. It was stuck to the chicken

Q. Whats E.T. short for?
A. He hasn't got any legs

One for all the rugby followers:

Q. What is an Austrailian bra like?
A. Green & Gold with no cup!

 

[andy_dyer]

Police arrested Malcolm Davidson, a 27 year-old white male resident of Wilmington, NC, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38pm Friday.

Davidson will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication at the County courthouse on Monday.

The suspect allegedly stated that as he was passing a pumpkin patch, he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview from the County courthouse jail.

Davidson went on to state that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need". "I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process, Davidson apparently failed to notice the Wilmington Municipal police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached him.

"It was an unusual situation, that's for sure." said officer Taylor. "I walked up to (Davidson) and he's...just working away at this pumpkin." Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Davidson. She just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?' He got real surprised as you'd expect and then looked me straight in the face and said,

"A pumpkin? Damn... is it midnight already?"

 

[andy_dyer]

Little Johnny came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigormortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Johnny said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why is his legs sticking in the air?"

His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven."

"Gee Dad that's great," said little Johnny. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Johnny rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!"

"What do you mean?" said Dad.

"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"

 

[aphelps]

A three-legged dog walks in to a bar. Everyone gets nervously quiet. THe dog looks around, studying every face carefully, then says:

"I'm lookin' for the man that shot my paw."

 

[andy_dyer]

Reading the Signs

How To Make Shallow Snap Judgements Taken From Women's Glibber

The trick to successful dating is learning how to interpret the hidden signs, those giveaway gestures that can tell you so much about a person. Train yourself to recognize - and decode - these KEY "SIGNS."

1. Woman won't unlock car door for man - Doesn't engage in oral sex
2. Man gets in car withour opening door for woman - No foreplay
3. Man insists on going to a brand new restaurant - Prefers virgins
4. Man insists on going to a brand new restaurant but gets lost on the way - Is a virgin
5. Man can't hail a cab - Impotent
6. Man insists on going to a homely little cafe with windmill motif - Compulsive Don Quixote
7. Man insists on going to a romantic candle-lit restaurant - Compulsive Don Juan
8. Man insists on going to a Polynesian bar - Compulsive Don Ho
9. Woman wants to go to a French restaurant - Will swallow
10. Woman wants to go to a deli - Won't swallow
11. Woman takes too long deciding what to order - Has trouble reaching orgasm
12. Woman orders salad dressing on the side - Will give you a hand job, but will not go "all the way"
13. Woman gives explicit orders to waiter - Will expect incredibly skillful gymnastics in bed
14. Woman asks for extra rolls - Will say she is using birth control when she's not, will get pregnant and sue
15. Man insists on ordering for you, referring to you as "The lady will have..." - Thinks you had an orgasm when you didn't
16. Man asks for "The Usual" - Insists on missionary position only
17. Man asks what the specials are - Will want you to use handcuffs
18. Man fills up on bread and crackers - Premature ejaculation
19. Man doesn't finish everything on plate - Has already come
20. Woman insists on having some of whatever you ordered - Will make you sleep on the wet spot
21. Man changes mind after ordering - Will never call you
22. Man changes tables - Nyphomaniac
23. Woman drinks Decaf. - Fakes Orgasm
24. Man orders in French - Fakes Orgasm
25. Man sends food back - Will sleep with you, brag to all his friends, then try to borrow money
26. Woman asks for detailed descriptions of desserts - Needs you to talk dirty during sex
27. Man orders a dessert involving ladyfingers - Wants a handjob
28. Woman orders a dessert involving nuts - Castrating Bitch
29. Woman wants to split dessert - Is dying to get rid of her apartment, move in with you, rearrange all your closets, and take down all your football posters
30. Man credit card is refused - Low sperm count
31. Man undertips waiter - Small penis
32. Man undertips parking valet - Small penis
33. Man undertips cabbie - Small penis
34. Man uses toothpick - Is trying to tell you size isn't everything
35. Man has removable cassette player in car - Pulls out repeatedly during sex
36. Man has cellular phone in car - Penile inplant

 

[andy_dyer]

A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.

"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."

She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams and so it goes on, everywhere she touches makes her scream.

The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette, are you?"

She says, "No, I'm really a blonde."

"I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken."

 

[Uncle Gizmo]

"I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken."

hehehehehe lol

 

[saintsman]

What do you say to a woman with no tits?




















Nothing!