On a more positive note...

[KenHigg]

Not trying to change the subject, but did you see this advert on the bottom of this thread:

Link

Do the 'See Inside' link

 

[Rich]

You mean the ad for that disgusting calendar

 

[Friday]

You mean the ad for that disgusting calendar

misSpeak

or

The Simple Life

 

[Rich]

misSpeak

or

The Simple Life

Kenny thought he had me Bushed

 

[KenHigg]

.
.
.
.

ONE. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.
TWO. Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other.
THREE. Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.
FOUR. When you say, "I love you," mean it.
FIVE. When you say, "I'm sorry," look the person in the eye.
SIX. Be engaged at least six months before you get married.
SEVEN. Believe in love at first sight.
EIGHT. Never laugh at anyone's dream. People who don't have dreams don't have much.
NINE. Love! deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely.
TEN. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.
ELEVEN. Don't judge people by their relatives.
TWELVE. Talk slowly but think quickly.
THIRTEEN. When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask, "Why do you want to know?"
FOURTEEN. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
FIFTEEN. Say "bless you" when you hear someone sneeze.
SIXTEEN. When you lose, don't lose the lesson
SEVENTEEN. Remember the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for others; and responsibility for all your action.
EIGHTEEN. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
NINETEEN. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
TWENTY. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.
TWENTY-ONE. Spend some time alone.

 

[ColinEssex]

.
No name calling.
.

Col

 

[Rich]

.
ONE. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.

.

Give an inch and they'll take a mile

TWO. Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other.

Untill she starts to nag

THREE. Don't believe all you hear

Would that include you know whos speeches?

spend all you have

For those that have nothing it's an insult, for those that have it's a totally irresponsible statement

sleep all you want.

You'll get enough sleep when you're dead, fight it all you can whilst still alive

When you say, "I love you," mean it.

just remember to keep your fingers crossed

Be engaged at least six months before you get married.

unless somebody has a shotgun pointed in your face

Never laugh at anyone's dream.

unless they're a gun toting pr..............

Love! deeply and passionately.

that's lust and disgusting

When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.

Has Bush ever read this?

Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.

Not if there's a thunderstorm in the area they might not

 

[ColinEssex]

ONE. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.

Like the taxman?

TWO. Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other.

as you get older you get deaf

FOUR. When you say, "I love you," mean it.

don't say it on the phone - the wife may check the calls list

FIVE. When you say, "I'm sorry," look the person in the eye.

unless you're 5ft2" and the other is 6ft4"

SIX. Be engaged at least six months before you get married.

receive therapy for 6 months after you divorce and she's cleared you out

SEVEN. Believe in love at first sight.

Lust

EIGHT. Never laugh at anyone's dream. People who don't have dreams don't have much.

depends how much money you've got

NINE. Love! deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely.

you'll get hurt only if the wife finds out (see 4 above)

ELEVEN. Don't judge people by their relatives.

why not? it gives you a rough idea

TWELVE. Talk slowly

then people will get bored and walk off or fall asleep

THIRTEEN. When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask, "Why do you want to know?"

just ignore it - lots of people do

FOURTEEN. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.

see 9 and 4 above

FIFTEEN. Say "bless you" when you hear someone sneeze.

if you're not in an English speaking country, people will think your bonkers

SIXTEEN. When you lose, don't lose the lesson

next time, cheat

SEVENTEEN. Remember the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for others; and responsibility for all your action.

fourth R = Rare if you do the first 3

EIGHTEEN. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.

tell that to Israel and Palestine

NINETEEN. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.

or blame someone else

TWENTY. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.

They'll hear it when you tell them to bugger off coz you don't want double glazing

TWENTY-ONE. Spend some time alone.

when the divorce comes through

Col

 

[KenHigg]

>
.
.
.

Are you a mean Mom or Dad?
Someday when my children are old enough to understand the logic that
motivates a parent, I will tell them:

I loved you enough...to ask where you were going, with whom, and what
time you would be home..

I loved you enough...to insist that you save your money and buy a bike
for yourself even though we could afford to buy one for you.

I loved you enough...to be silent and let you discover that your new
best friend was a creep.

I loved you enough...to make you go pay for the bubble gum you had taken
and tell the clerk, "I stole this yesterday and want to pay for it".

I loved you enough...to stand over you for two hours while you cleaned
your room, a job that should have taken 15 minutes.

I loved you enough...to let you see anger, disappointment, and tears in
my eyes. Children must learn that their parents aren't perfect.

I loved you enough...to let you assume the responsibility for your
actions even when the penalties were so harsh they almost broke my
heart.

But most of all, I loved you enough...to say NO when I knew you would
hate me for it. Those were the most difficult battles of all. I'm glad I
won them, because in the end you won, too.

And someday when your children are old enough to understand the logic
that motivates parents, you will tell them....

Was your Mom mean? I know mine was. We had the meanest Mother in the
whole world!

While other kids ate candy for breakfast, we had to have cereal, eggs,
and toast. When others had a Pepsi and a Twinkie for lunch, we had to
eat sandwiches. And you can guess our Mother fixed us a dinner that was
different from what other kids had, too.

Mother insisted on knowing where we were at all times. You'd think we
were convicts in a prison. She had to know who our friends were, and
what we were doing with them. She insisted that if we said we would be
gone for an hour, we would be gone for an hour or less.

We were ashamed to admit it, but she had the nerve to break the Child
Labor Laws by making us work. We had to wash the dishes, make the beds,
learn to cook, vacuum the floor, do laundry, empty the trash and all
sorts of cruel jobs. I think she would lie awake at night thinking of
more things for us to do.

She always insisted on us telling the truth, the whole truth, and
nothing but the truth.

By the time we were teenagers, she could read our minds. Then, life was
really tough! Mother wouldn't let our friends just honk the horn when
they drove up. They had to come up to the door so she could meet them.

While everyone else could date when they were 12 or 13, we had to wait
until we were 16.

Because of our Mother we missed out on lots of things other kids
experienced.

None of us have ever been caught shoplifting, vandalizing other's
property or ever arrested for any crime. It was all her fault.>

Now that we have left home, we are all educated, honest adults. We are
doing our best to be mean parents like Mom was.

I think that is what's wrong with the world today. It just doesn't have
enough mean Moms.

 

[Rich]

>
I loved you enough...to ask where you were going, with whom, and what
time you would be home..

.

No, you were just a nosy cow with no life of your own

I loved you enough...to insist that you save your money and buy a bike
for yourself even though we could afford to buy one for you.

We could have if we'd bought ourselves a sensible sized car, but we're selfish and wanted you to suffer, so we bought a 4x4 instead

I loved you enough...to be silent and let you discover that your new
best friend was a creep.

No, you just knew I'd tell you to mind your own business, It's my life

We were ashamed to admit it, but she had the nerve to break the Child
Labor Laws by making us work. We had to wash the dishes, make the beds,
learn to cook, vacuum the floor, do laundry, empty the trash and all
sorts of cruel jobs. I think she would lie awake at night thinking of
more things for us to do.

That's because she was a lazy cow and didn't want to do the housework herself

And you can guess our Mother fixed us a dinner that was
different from what other kids had, too.

Yeah and even the dog wouldn't eat it, fortunately we had so much money we could eat every day at MacDonalds

Mother insisted on knowing where we were at all times. You'd think we
were convicts in a prison. She had to know who our friends were, and
what we were doing with them. She insisted that if we said we would be
gone for an hour, we would be gone for an hour or less.

My mother was such a selfish cow she saw me only at mealtimes during the school hols

She always insisted on us telling the truth, the whole truth, and
nothing but the truth.

Crap! I found out from my mates at school that I didn't arrive slung underneath a bloody stork

They had to come up to the door so she could meet them.

Only cause she was a randy sod who fancied my mates

While everyone else could date when they were 12 or 13, we had to wait
until we were 16.

Only because she was a frustrated cow with no life of her own

None of us have ever been caught shoplifting, vandalizing other's
property or ever arrested for any crime. It was all her fault.>

Yep, she taught us everything she knew, how to avoid the cops etc

 

[KenHigg]

Pretty good. Corny, but pretty good:

Pledge

(Helps if you remember him being on live tv...)

 

[Rich]

Paranoic and arrogantbullshit from the same site

 

[fuzzygeek]

I believe you meant paranoiac, but that really raises the old hackles !

 

[jsanders]

Paranoic and arrogantbullshit from the same site

Well,
It seems we have a long way to go.

 

[Rich]

I believe you meant paranoiac, but that really raises the old hackles !

I daren't post anymore from that site, you guys'll all end up committing suicide

 

[KenHigg]

Late breaking news

> >> Thought you might like to be in on this late-breaking news.
> >>
> >>
> >> 11:00 PM PARIS, France -- Lance Armstrong's record setting seventh
> >> Tour de France victory, along with his entire Tour de France
> >> legacy, may be tarnished by what could turn out to be one of the
> >> greatest sports scandals of all time. Armstrong is being quizzed by
> >> French police after three banned substances were found in his South
> >> France hotel room while on vacation after winning the 2005 Tour de
> >> France.
> >>
> >> The three substances found were toothpaste, deodorant, and soap -
> >> which have been banned by French authorities for over 75 years.
> >> Armstrong's girlfriend and American rocker Sheryl Crowe is quoted
> >> as saying "we use them every day in America, so we naturally
> >> thought they'd be ok throughout Europe."
> >>
> >> Along with these three banned substances, French authorities also
> >> physically searched Armstrong himself and found several other
> >> items that they have never seen before, including a backbone and balls.

 

[KenHigg]

What is a Tragedy?

Children just tell it like it is with no sugar coating.


Jesse Jackson, while visiting a primary school class, found himself in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asks the Rev. Jackson if he would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy." So the illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a "tragedy."

One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy.?

"No," says the Great Jesse Jackson, "that would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explains the exalted spiritual leader. "That's what we would call a great loss."

The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. Rev. Jackson searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally at the back of the room a small boy raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says: "If a plane carrying the Rev. Jackson were struck by a missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy."

"Fantastic!" exclaims Jackson, "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," says the boy, "because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be an accident!"

 

[KenHigg]

15 Things You Probably Never Knew or Thought About

1. At least 5 people in this world love you so much they would die for you.
2. At least 15 people in this world love you in some way.!
3. The only reason anyone would ever hate you is because they want to be just like you.
4. A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don't like you.
5. Every night, SOMEONE thinks about you before they go to sleep.
6. You mean the world to someone.
7. If not for you, someone may not be living.
8. You are special and unique.
9. Someone that you don't even know exists loves you.
10. When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good comes from it.
11. When you think the world has turned its back on you, take a look: you most likely turned your back on the world.
12. When you think you have no chance of getting what you want, you probably won't get it, but if you believe in yourself, probably, sooner or later, you will get it.
13. Always remember the compliments you received. Forget about the rude remarks.
14. Always tell someone how you feel about them; you will feel much better when they know.
15. If you have a great friend, take the time to let them know that they are great.
A Minute: They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them, but then an entire life to forget them.

Take the time .. to live and love.

 

[KenHigg]

Deep Thoughts For Those Who Take Life Way Too Seriously:

1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
2. A day without sunshine is like...night.
3. On the other hand, you have different fingers
4. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
5. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
6. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
7. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
8. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
9. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
10. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
11. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
12. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
13. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
14. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
15. OK, . . . . so what's the speed of dark?
16. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
18. Every one has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
19. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
20. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
21. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
22. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
23. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
24. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.
25. Just remember - if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
26. Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
27. Life isn't like a box of chocolates.... it's more like a jar of jalapeno's. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.

 

[KenHigg]

Romance Mathematics

Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy