One Liners; Tidbits; Wise Sayings

[ShaneMan]

Some more :

The only absolute knowledge attainable by man is that life is meaningless ( Unknown)

My advice to you is to get married if you find a good wife you'll be happy;
if not, you'll become a philosopher ( Socrates)

When you're in deep water, it's a good idea to keep your mouth shut!

Wagner's music is better than it sounds ( Twain)

Democratie zijn 3 wolven en een schaap die een voorgerecht kiezen.
(In english: democracy is three wolves and one sheep selecting an hors d’ouvre)

good stuff, rak. Got several from this list. I love Twains sense of humor.

 

[ShaneMan]

Tis better to have loved a short girl than never to have loved a tall.

Ok, this one is a crude one. Ladies, turn your eyes. My buddy, is vertically challenged, so when he sees a tall lady he'll usually say, "Man, Shane, nose to nose your toes would be in it and toes to toes your nose would be in it."

 

[Matt Greatorex]

Ok, this one is a crude one. Ladies, turn your eyes. My buddy, is vertically challenged, so when he sees a tall lady he'll usually say, "Man, Shane, nose to nose your toes would be in it and toes to toes your nose would be in it."

Okay, if we're lowering the tone (at least temporarily) .

For an ugly girl with a nice figure:

'You don't look at the mantlepiece while you're stoking the fire'

 

[Minkey]

"See I told you I was ill" - Spike Millian's headstone

Winston Churchill in response to the comment "You Sir are drunk":

"I may be drunk but in the morning I will be sober, whereas you will still be ugly" I'm itching to use this one

 

[Len Boorman]

(Finding it hard to resist...mustn't...oh, well...)

Arguing with Rich and Col is like masturbating with a cheese grater...

...slightly amusing, but mostly...painful

That brought a tear to the eye

 

[bwrobel75]

Why do they have braile on drive-thru Atms???

In intend to live forever – so far, so good.

Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

Why do we sing “Take me out to the ball game” when we are already there?

Only in America are there handicap-parking places in front of a skating rink.

Only in America can a pizza get you your house faster than an ambulance

Why do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why you don’t ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

 

[bwrobel75]

Why women can’t put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why the man who invests all your money is called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

 

[ShaneMan]

Why women can’t put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why the man who invests all your money is called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

I can see that I have company, when it comes to collecting sayings.

 

[Matty]

"We do not strive for perfection, because perfection is the destination, imperfection is the journey." -Derek Smalls (Spinal Tap)

 

[Matty]

"Mistakes are a part of being human. Appreciate your mistakes for what they are: precious life lessons that can only be learned the hard way. Unless it's a fatal mistake, which, at least, others can learn from." -Al Franken

"Wisdom doesn't automatically come with old age. Nothing does - except wrinkles. It's true, some wines improve with age. But only if the grapes were good in the first place." -Abigail Van Buren

 

[Idjit]

Never tell a man everything you know, and don't trust them as far as you can throw them. ~Grandma

Don't look for a gifted child, look for the gift in each child.

Nothing else in nature behaves so consistently and rigidly as a human being in pursuit of hell.

Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they aren't out to get you.

 

[ShaneMan]

"Mistakes are a part of being human. Appreciate your mistakes for what they are: precious life lessons that can only be learned the hard way. Unless it's a fatal mistake, which, at least, others can learn from." -Al Franken

"Wisdom doesn't automatically come with old age. Nothing does - except wrinkles. It's true, some wines improve with age. But only if the grapes were good in the first place." -Abigail Van Buren

Two excellent ones. The first one makes you smile.

 

[ShaneMan]

Never tell a man everything you know, and don't trust them as far as you can throw them. ~Grandma

Don't look for a gifted child, look for the gift in each child.

Nothing else in nature behaves so consistently and rigidly as a human being in pursuit of hell.

Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they aren't out to get you.

Thanks Idjit. Really like the 3rd one. My Grandmother had one similar to your first one except she said, "Don't trust them as far as you can throw a bull by the tail."

Good stuff

 

[ShaneMan]

One that my Grandpa taught that I still live by (a little too hard according to my wife) is:

"Nothing in life is for free and everything has a string attached to it."

This was his way of telling me don't let anyone do stuff for you cause they'll come back and ask something of you.

 

[Idjit]

That thang's big enough to stand flat-footed and f*** a turkey! ~Appalachian coworker, in regard to a cockroach found in the ladies room.

 

[MrsGorilla]

That thang's big enough to stand flat-footed and f*** a turkey! ~Appalachian coworker, in regard to a cockroach found in the ladies room.

That's hilarious.

 

[MrsGorilla]

My husband in reference to Pamela Anderson: She's been drilled more than the Alaskan Coast.

 

[Banana]

Come back and we'll taunt you for a second time.

I fart in your general direction.

So long, and thanks for all the fish.

Khan!!!

 

[Minkey]

Top 10 comedy one liners (UK online survey):

"Garlic bread.. it's the future, I've tasted it" - Brian Potter (aka Peter Kay)

"So, what first attracted you to millionaire Paul Daniels?" - Mrs Merton (aka Caroline Aherne) to Debbie MaGee

"If you were to ask me to name three geniuses, I probably wouldn't say Einstein, Newton... I'd go Milligan, Cleese, Everett, Sessions..." - David Brent (aka Ricky Gervais) from the office

"I'm not a fascist. I'm a priest. Fascists dress up in black and tell people what to do. Whereas priests... more drink?" - Father Ted (aka Dermot Morgan)

"He's mad! He's mad. He's madder than Mad Jack McMad, the winner of this year's Mr Madman competition." - Edmund Blackadder (aka Rowan Atkinson)

"If it's a girl they're gonna name it Sigourney after an actress, and if it's a boy they're gonna name him Rodney after Dave." - Trigger (aka Roger Lloyd-Pack)

"One more facelift on this one and she'll have a beard." - Patsy (aka Joanna Lumley)

(two guests are speaking to Basil in German) "Oh, German. I'm sorry, I thought there was something wrong with you." - Basil Fawlty (aka John Cleese)

"I'm going nowhere, Lynn. Quite literally, I'm on the ring road." - Alan Partridge (aka Steve Googan)

"You were expecting a bloke with a beard, a Bible and bad breath. You've got a babe with a bob cut and a magnificent bosom." - Geraldine Granger (aak Dawn French)

 

[Rich]

That thang's big enough to stand flat-footed and f*** a turkey!

Would that be fart or flan or flip or ?