What's your best/worst joke?

[Rx_]

The Three Envelopes required for your IT Job:
A few years ago I was hired to replace a retiring veteran in IT, and on his last day, he handed me 3 envelopes. (thus, the name of this joke).

He told me that when things got insane, crazy and I didn't know what to do, to just open only the first envelope. (the setup)

Then he predicted that after a while there would be another insane, crazy situation - then it would be time to open the 2nd envelope. Then, the same to open the 3rd envelope.

A few months down the road a situation came up and I was clueless so I opened the first envelope. It simply said, " Tell them you are still new to the position and it takes time to build your own footprint in this business but you are almost there."
I did this and to my amazement it bought me some relief from upper management.

A few months later, I again had things go off-track and opened the 2nd envelope. It simply said, " Blame everything on me. Tell them I had gotten soft in my execution and it must be the reason for my retirement." I felt bad to do this but he suggested it so I did and it worked amazingly well.

Finally a good bit of time passed and I again ran into a bind and just didn't know what to do and opened the final envelope.
I slumped in my chair as it said: "Prepare 3 envelopes."

Adapted from an old 1920's vaudeville act.

 

[Dick7Access]

GCF: Taxing Cinderella

The tax adviser had just read the story of Cinderella
to his four-year-old daughter for the first time. The
little girl was fascinated by the story, especially the
part where the pumpkin turns into a golden coach.

Suddenly she piped up, "Daddy, when the pumpkin turned
into a golden coach, would that be classed as income or
a long-term capital gain?"

 

[Dick7Access]

Conversions between English rules?



Texas A&M "aggie" engineering joke (a national thing since they be so smart) :

OK, that is enough Pun-ish-ment for one day.

I am from Fl and have nothing against Aggies so if your an Aggie fan don't get mad at me. I am in Longview, TX right now heading for Austin tomorrow so I thnk that gives me a license to tell this Aggie joke I heard here in Longview. What do you get if you cross an Aggie with a gorilla?


A retarded gorilla!!!

 

[Dick7Access]

GCF: Lost Parrot

A man received a phone call one day, and the caller asked if he had
Lost a parrot. He said that he had indeed lost the bird, but wanted
to know how the caller located him.

The caller said that the bird had landed on his balcony and kept
Repeating, "Hi, you have reached 555-3214. I can't come to the
Phone right now, please leave a message at the tone."

 

[kevlray]

I heard this one the other day. I am not from either state, but I do live in California now.

When Okie's emigrated from Oklahoma to California, the average IQ went up in both states.

 

[Dick7Access]

GCF: Mother's Wisdom

My wife and I were visiting my mother. My sisters, their husbands and
many nieces and nephews had gathered at mom's house to welcome
our newborn. Suddenly, two of my nieces, both five, began to squabble
over who'd get to hold the baby on their lap first. My mother, with her
years of wisdom, suggested they sit side by side and both hold the baby.
Not to be outdone, One niece piped up and said, "Okay! But I want the end
with the head on it!"

 

[Dick7Access]

If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching
television by candlelight. - George Gobel

 

[Dick7Access]

GCF: Credit Card Problem

Standing in line at the clothing store's counter, I watched as the woman
ahead of me handed the clerk her credit card. The customer waited for a
long time while the saleswoman went to verify the account.

When she finally returned, the clerk said, "I'm sorry, but this card
is in your husband's name, and we can't accept it because the records
show he is deceased."

With that, the woman turned to her spouse, who was standing next to
her and asked, "Does this mean I don't have to fix lunch for you today?"

 

[Dick7Access]

GCF: Airline Fees

With airlines adding fees to fees, A local magazine
asked its readers to predict the next surcharge they'll
levy for something previously free.

1. In the unlikely event of loss of cabin pressure, oxygen
masks will drop down. To start the flow of oxygen, simply
insert your credit card.....

2. $100 On-Time Departure Fee; $25 Delay Complaint Fee.

3. View seating (formerly window seats), $10; Access seating
(formerly aisle seats), $10 - $20 to use roll-away stairs to enter
or exit the aircraft in lieu of no-charge rope-ladder alternative.

4. $9 fee for bumping your head on the overhead bin as you
take your seat; $3 additional penalty for looking up at the bin
after you bump into it.

 

[Dick7Access]

GCF: Late for Work

Being the office supervisor, I had to have a word with a new
employee who never arrived at work on time. I explained that
her tardiness was unacceptable and that other employees had
noticed that she was walking in late every day.

After listening to my complaints, she agreed that this was a
problem and even offered a solution. "Is there another door
I could use?"

 

[Jacob Mathai]

Last night I was sitting in the living room, talking to my wife about life... In-between, we talked about the idea of living or dying.
I told her : Darling never let me live in a vegetative state, totally dependent on machines and liquids from a bottle. If you see me in that state I want you to disconnect all the contraptions that are keeping me alive, I'd much rather die'.
My wife got up from the sofa with this real look of admiration towards me....and proceeded to disconnect the TV, the Cable, the Dish, the DVD, the Computer, the Cell Phone, the iPod, and the Xbox, and then went to the bar and threw away all my whiskey, rum, gin, vodka & the beer in the fridge...
I ALMOST DIED!!
Morals:
1. Think about what you wish for..
2. The female brain works on a different wavelength from the male's.

 

[namliam]

Man comes home from work and ask's his wife:
"Hunny, what would you do if I won the lottery?"
Wife: "I would take half and find me a nice boy toy!"
Husband: "Here is 15 euro, good luck with that"

 

[Rx_]

For those of you who invest, here are the latest Mergers and the new names:

Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Co. will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.
3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood.
Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa.
FedEx is expected to join its competitor UPS and become: FedUP.
Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: PouponPants.
Victoria's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name: TittyTittyBangBang

 

[Dick7Access]

GCF: Classified Ad

... from the local newspaper ...

2012 Suzuki GSXR 1000, $9,000

This bike is perfect! It has only 1,000 miles and has had
its 500 mile dealer service.

It's been adult ridden, all wheels have always been on the
ground. I use it as a cruiser/commuter. I'm selling it
because it was purchased without proper consent of a
loving wife. Apparently "Do whatever you want" doesn't
mean what I thought. Call Steve. 555-1212

 

[Jacob Mathai]

My Brother-In-Law
A man was brought to Mercy Hospital and taken in for coronary surgery. The operation went well and, as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy, who was waiting by his bed.
“Mr. Smith, you’re going to be just fine,” said the nun, gently patting his hand. “We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?”
“No, I’m not,” the man whispered hoarsely.
“Can you pay in cash?” persisted the nun.
“I’m afraid I cannot, Sister.”
“Well, do you have any close relatives?” the nun essayed.
“Just my sister in New Mexico,” he volunteered. “But she’s a humble spinster nun.”
“Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not ‘spinsters.’ They are married to God.”
“Wonderful,” said Smith. “In that case, please send the bill to my brother-in-law.”

 

[Jacob Mathai]

Ten Dollars Is Ten Dollars
Fred and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year. Every year Fred would say, "Edna, I'd like to ride in that there airplane." And every year Edna would say, "I know Fred, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

One year Fred and Edna went to the fair and Fred said, "Edna, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance." Edna replied, "Fred that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars."

Fred and Edna agreed and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word.

They land and the pilot turns to Fred, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."

Fred replied, "Well, I was going to say something when Edna fell out of the plane, but ten dollars is ten dollars."

 

[Dick7Access]

GCF: Running Away From Home

A man scolded his son for being so unruly and the child
rebelled against his father. He got some of his clothes,
his teddy bear and his piggy bank and proudly announced,
"I'm running away from home!"

The father calmly decided to look at the matter logically.
"What if you get hungry?" he asked.

"Then I'll come home and eat!" bravely declared the child.

"And what if you run out of money?"

"I will come home and get some!" readily replied the child.

The man then made a final attempt, "What if your clothes
get dirty?"

"Then I'll come home and let mommy wash them," was the reply.

The man shook his head and exclaimed, "This kid is not running
away from home, he's going off to college!!"

 

[avcastner]

What do you call an intelligent blonde?

a golden retriever

(P.S. I'm blonde, so I'm only hurting myself with this one.)

 

[Dick7Access]

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

British Airways Captain Announces Smooth Flight


Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced: "Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to New York. The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth uneventful flight. So, sit back, relax, and.........OH... MY GOD!"




Silence followed.





Some moments later, the captain came back on the intercom. "Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"






From the back of the plane, an Irish passenger yelled.......







"For the luva Jaysus......you should see the back of mine!"

 

[MichaelSmith]

Cleopatra says to her attendant “I’d love to take a milk bath”
Attendant “Pasteurized?”
Cleopatra “No, just up to my neck”