What's your best/worst joke?

GCF: Colorful Meal

Over dinner, the mom explained the health benefits of a
colorful meal to her family.

"The more colors, the more variety of nutrients,"
she told them. Pointing to the food, she asked,
"How many different colors do you see?"

"Six," volunteered the son. "Seven if you count
the burned parts."

My wife said the same thing about color, so I went out and bought a case of M&M''s. Some woman are hard to please.
 
Descartes walks into a bar.
Bartender says - what'll ya have?
D: I'll have a martini.
B: You want an olive in that?
D: I think not.
Descartes disappears.


i says to Pi: Be rational.
Pi replies to i: Get real.
 
GCF: Icemaker

When the icemaker in our new refrigerator broke, my husband
dropped by the store to arrange for repairs. Because the sun
was bright, his eyes hadn't adjusted to the dim light inside
in time to see a woman sitting on the floor examining carpet
samples.

He stepped on her leg and she screamed, causing him to jump
into a display of fireplace tools that went crashing in
every direction. Unnerved, he stumbled over to the service
desk, and as he went to rest his hands on the counter, he
flipped over a bowl full of little mints, scattering them
everywhere.

After taking a deep breath to calm himself, he announced to
the wide-eyed woman working there, "My refrigerator doesn't
work."

"I don't doubt it," she replied.
 
BRAINS OF BRITAIN

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)
Jeremy Paxman:
What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and 'cheesemongers'?
Contestant:
Homosexuals..
Jeremy Paxman:
No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you

BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)
Jamie Theakston:
Where do you think Cambridge University is?
Contestant:
Geography isn't my strong point.
Jamie Theakston:
There's a clue in the title.
Contestant:
Leicester

BBC NORFOLK
Stewart White:
Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?
Contestant:
I don't know.
Stewart White:
I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?
Contestant:
Arm
Stewart White:
Correct. And if you're not weak, you're...?
Contestant:
Strong.
Stewart White:
Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?
Contestant:
Louis
Stewart White:
Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World?
Contestant:
Frank Sinatra?


LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS )
Alex Trelinski:
What is the capital of Italy ?
Contestant:
France .
Trelinski:
France is another country. Try again.
Contestant:
Oh, um, Benidorm.
Trelinski:
Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?
Contestant:
Sorry, I don't know.
Trelinski:
Just guess a country then.
Contestant:
Paris .


THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)
Anne Robinson:
Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what: - Prison, or the Conservative Party?
Contestant:
The Conservative Party.


BEACON RADIO ( WOLVERHAMPTON )
DJ Mark:
For 10, what is the nationality of the Pope?
Ruth from Rowley Regis:
I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?


UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE
Bamber Gascoyne:
What was Gandhi's first name?
Contestant:
Goosey?


GWR FM ( Bristol )
Presenter:
What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?
Contestant:
I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.


PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO? MANCHESTER )
Phil:
What's 11 squared?
Contestant:
I don't know.
Phil:
I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle.
Contestant:
Is it five?


RICHARD AND JUDY
Richard:
Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?
Contestant:
Forrest Gump.


RICHARD AND JUDY
Richard:
On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?
Contestant:
Er. ... ...
Richard:
He makes bread . . .
Contestant:
Er .. .......
Richard:
He makes cakes . . .
Contestant:
Kipling Street ?


LINCS FM PHONE-IN
Presenter:
Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
Contestant:
Barcelona .
Presenter:
I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant:
I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain ..


NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)
Question:
What is the world's largest continent?
Contestant:
The Pacific..



ROCK FM ( PRESTON )
Presenter:
Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo da Vinci.
Contestant:
Who Framed Roger Rabbit?


THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)
Steve Le Fevre:
What was signed, to bring World War I to an end in 1918?
Contestant:
Magna Carta?


JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)
James O'Brien:
How many kings of England have been called Henry?
Contestant:
Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth .. ER. ER ... Three?

CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL )
Chris Searle:
In which European country is Mount Etna ?
Caller:
Japan .
Chris Searle:
I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.
Caller:
Er ........... Mexico ?


PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE )
Paul Wappat:
How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?
Contestant (long pause):
Fourteen days.


DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)
Daryl Denham:
In which country would you spend shekels?
Contestant:
Holland ?
Daryl Denham:
Try the next letter of the alphabet..
Contestant:
Iceland ? Ireland ?
Daryl Denham: (helpfully)
It's a bad line. Did you say Israel ?
Contestant:
No.


PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)
Phil Wood:
What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?
Contestant:
Er... ..... ..
Phil Wood:
It's got two syllables . . . Kor .
Contestant:
Blimey?
Phil Wood:
Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . .
Contestant:
(Silence)
Phil Wood:
OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . ..
Contestant:
Walked?


THE VAULT
Melanie Sykes:
What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time?
Contestant:
Nostalgia.


LUNCHTIME SHOW (BRMB)
Presenter:
What religion was Guy Fawkes?
Contestant:
Jewish.
Presenter:
That's close enough.


STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2)
Wright:
Johnny Weissmuller died on this day.. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loin cloth did he play?
Contestant:
Jesus.


.......and brilliant minds such as these voted in a General Election to determine our future !!!!!!
 
GCF: Reimbursement Check

Having driven members of the girls' volleyball team
to an out-of-town game, I was waiting for my daughter's
high school to reimburse me for the gas.

Days passed, until one afternoon I found shreds of
paper in the washing machine after doing the laundry.
Looking closely, I saw it had been a check.

When asked, my daughter realized she'd forgotten to
give it to me, and reluctantly agreed to go to the office
and explain what had happened.

They issued another check, placed in a zip-top bag with
a note: "Please leave in bag when washing."
 
GCF: Odd Noise

Heavy snow had buried a woman's van in their
driveway. Her husband dug around the wheels,
rocked the van back and forth and finally pushed
her free.

A short while later, while on the road, she heard
an odd noise coming from under the van. Concerned,
she got on her cell phone and called home.

"Thank God you answered," she said when her husband
picked up.

"There's this alarming sound coming under the van.
For a minute I thought I was dragging you down the
highway."

In a shocked voice, her husband replied,
"And you didn't stop?!"
 
Warning - not exactly safe for work or little kids. Cleaned it up just a little but there is only so much I can do with this one.

Superman feels a little randy - so he flies over to Lois Lane's apartment for a little action.
He flies in her bedroom window, and she's lying on back with Batman on top of her.
Damn - too late! - Superman thinks, and flies off, thinking he would come back the following day.
Next day he arrives a bit earlier.
Now the Flash is atop Lois.
What a little slut! - Superman thinks - I'll have to get here really early tomorrow!
The following day Superman gets there 2 hours earlier. He finds Lois naked on the bed face up.
Now's my chance! - Soupie thinks. He jumps on and starts banging away.

When all finished, he asks Lois what she thought of his performance.
She replies - how should I know? You just boffed the Invisible Man up the rear end!
 
GCF: Whole World

I packed the car and gathered our daughters for
a visit to my sister's house . On my way out the
door, my husband, who wasn't going, said: "Be
very careful ... my whole world is in that car!"

Later, during lunch, I repeated the words of my
sentimental and loving husband to my sister,
and my oldest daughter cracked, "Yeah, Dad's
golf clubs are in the trunk!"
 
GCF: Pieces of Pie

Little Johnny and his family lived in the country, and
as a result, they seldom had guests. Johnny was eager
to help his mother after his father appeared with two
dinner guests from the office.

When the dinner was nearly over, Little Johnny went to
the kitchen and proudly carried in the first piece of
apple pie, giving it to his father, who passed it to
a guest. Little Johnny came in with a second piece of
pie and gave it to his father, who again gave it to a
guest.

This was too much for Little Johnny, who said, "It's
no use, Dad. The pieces are all the same size."
 
GCF: Explanation

When my daughter was about 9-years-old I became pregnant again. Of
course, she wanted to know how it happened, so I gave what I
considered an appropriate explanation of the process.

She asked, "Did you do that to get me?"

I said "yes," and she responded, "And you did it again?"
 
GCF: Plane Guilt

I was flying with my husband and two-month-old
daughter to Kansas for a family wedding and met up
with my father on a connecting flight.

He was sitting in business class and felt guilty
because we were in coach. To compensate, Dad made
his way to the back of the plane after take off,
bringing with him some first-class goodies and
taking my fidgety daughter up front with him for
a few minutes.

Just then, a woman behind me, who had seen the whole
thing, leaned forward and asked, "Did you just trade
that baby for a couple of packs of pretzels and
some cookies?"
 
THE PORCH
A young blonde girl in her late teens, wanting to earn some extra
money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy woman"
and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if
he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the porch" he said. "How
much will you charge me?"
Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and brushes and everything
she would need were in the garage.
The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does
she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"
"That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" he responded.
The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all
those dumb blonde jokes."
A few hours later the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already??" the startled husband asked.
"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I even had paint left over so I gave
it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it
to her along with a $10 tip.
"Thank you," the blonde said, "And, by the way, it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."
 
After standing in line at the DMV (Dept of Motor
Vehicles) for what felt like eons, my brother
finally got to the counter.

As the clerk typed his name into the computer,
she said, "That's odd."

"What's wrong?" James asked.

"My computer says you're deceased,"

Surveying his surroundings, James muttered,
"Great. I died and went to hell."
 
GCF: Buying a CD

I walked into the music store to buy a CD of
Rachmaninoff's Second Piano Concerto.

I found the Hiphop, R&B, Country and Jazz sections,
but no area where I might look for Rachmaninoff.

"Excuse me," I said to a young store clerk. "Do you
have a classical section?"

After a brief hesitation, he asked, "You mean...like Elvis?"
 
GCF: Speeding Pilot

A sky-diver and the pilot of his plane were driving
to a jump zone when they were pulled over by a police
officer for speeding.

The officer approached the car and jokingly asked for
a pilot's license and flight plan. These were promptly
passed over to him.

His face expressed amazement, then amusement. "I always
knew one day I'd get caught with that line," and he let
them go with a warning.
 
GCF: Doctor Treatment

Suffering with a herniated disk in his back,
my husband told his cousin that a well-respected
doctor was treating him.

His cousin asked the name of the doctor, and on
hearing it, he replied, "I never heard of him,
that's a good sign."

(The cousin is a medical-malpractice attorney.)
 
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