goldenorb82
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Q: What did one plate say to the other?
A: Dinner's on me! (Highlight to see it)
A: Dinner's on me! (Highlight to see it)
What's your best/worst joke?
- Thread starter Fornatian
- Start date
smercer
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Advanced Medicine
An Israeli doctor said, "Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in six weeks."
A German doctor said "That's nothing! In Germany, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in four weeks."
A Russian doctor said, "In my country, medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart from one person, put it in another and have them both looking for work in two weeks."
The American doctor, not to be outdone, said "Hah! We are about to take an asshole out of Texas, put him in the White House and half the country will be looking for work the next day."
An Israeli doctor said, "Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in six weeks."
A German doctor said "That's nothing! In Germany, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in four weeks."
A Russian doctor said, "In my country, medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart from one person, put it in another and have them both looking for work in two weeks."
The American doctor, not to be outdone, said "Hah! We are about to take an asshole out of Texas, put him in the White House and half the country will be looking for work the next day."
smercer
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Why Men Can't Win
If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it's exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your ass and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.
If you cry, you're a wimp.
If you don't, you're insensitive.
If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist pig, you bastard.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.
If she asks you, it's a favor.
If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.
If you don't, you're a slob.
If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
If you don't, you're not thoughtful.
If you're proud of your achievements, you're an egotist.
If you're not, you're not ambitious.
If she has a headache, she's tired.
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore, and you must be sleeping around.
If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it's exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your ass and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.
If you cry, you're a wimp.
If you don't, you're insensitive.
If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist pig, you bastard.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.
If she asks you, it's a favor.
If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.
If you don't, you're a slob.
If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
If you don't, you're not thoughtful.
If you're proud of your achievements, you're an egotist.
If you're not, you're not ambitious.
If she has a headache, she's tired.
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore, and you must be sleeping around.
smercer
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Labor Pills
Once a woman was in labor; she was having a really tough time dealing with the pain. The doctor came to her husband and her and told them of a new experimental drug that allows the woman to transfer 25% of the pain to the father. The husband feels really bad for his wife so he decides they will try it.
The wife takes the pill and a few minutes later the husband says, "I don't feel a thing. You women are babies. Take another pill I can handle this." So the wife takes another pill. Same thing happens. Her husband tells her to take another pill. Same thing. By now she has transferred 75% of her pain to her husband. She is feeling a little pain but her husband is still feeling nothing. He is convinced that women are complete wuses. He tells her, "Take another pill. This isn't hurting me at all. Let me take all the pain away." So she does. Now they are both feeling great.
A few hours later, the wife gives birth to a beautiful baby boy. The next day they take their newborn son home, and there they find the mailman dead on the doorstep.
Once a woman was in labor; she was having a really tough time dealing with the pain. The doctor came to her husband and her and told them of a new experimental drug that allows the woman to transfer 25% of the pain to the father. The husband feels really bad for his wife so he decides they will try it.
The wife takes the pill and a few minutes later the husband says, "I don't feel a thing. You women are babies. Take another pill I can handle this." So the wife takes another pill. Same thing happens. Her husband tells her to take another pill. Same thing. By now she has transferred 75% of her pain to her husband. She is feeling a little pain but her husband is still feeling nothing. He is convinced that women are complete wuses. He tells her, "Take another pill. This isn't hurting me at all. Let me take all the pain away." So she does. Now they are both feeling great.
A few hours later, the wife gives birth to a beautiful baby boy. The next day they take their newborn son home, and there they find the mailman dead on the doorstep.
smercer
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Fast Divorce
A married couple are driving along a highway doing 60mph, the wife behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks over at her and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 20 years, but I want a divorce."
The wife says nothing but slowly increases speed to 70 mph.
He then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a better lover than you are."
Again the wife stays quiet but speeds up as her anger increases.
"I want the house," he insists, pressing his luck. Again the wife speeds up, to eighty mph.
He says, "I want the car, too," but she just drives faster and faster.
By now she's up to ninety mph. "All right," he says, "I want the bank accounts, and all the credit cards, too."
The wife slowly starts to veer toward a bridge.
This makes him a bit nervous, so he says, "Isn't there anything you want?"
The wife says, "No, I've got everything I need."
"Oh, really," he says, "so what have you got?"
Right before they slam into the wall at a 100 mph, the wife smiles and says, " The airbag."
A married couple are driving along a highway doing 60mph, the wife behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks over at her and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 20 years, but I want a divorce."
The wife says nothing but slowly increases speed to 70 mph.
He then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a better lover than you are."
Again the wife stays quiet but speeds up as her anger increases.
"I want the house," he insists, pressing his luck. Again the wife speeds up, to eighty mph.
He says, "I want the car, too," but she just drives faster and faster.
By now she's up to ninety mph. "All right," he says, "I want the bank accounts, and all the credit cards, too."
The wife slowly starts to veer toward a bridge.
This makes him a bit nervous, so he says, "Isn't there anything you want?"
The wife says, "No, I've got everything I need."
"Oh, really," he says, "so what have you got?"
Right before they slam into the wall at a 100 mph, the wife smiles and says, " The airbag."
smercer
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Genie In A Bottle
A husband and wife were having an argument. Suddenly the husband picked up a bottle lying near him and threw it at his wife. The bottle missed the wife and got into the neighbours' house breaking the window glass.
Now both the husband and wife got embarassed and went to apologise to the neighbour. Upon reaching the house, they found out a young man sitting on a couch with a smile on his face.
Before the couple could say anything, the man said, "I am a genie. I was enclosed in that bottle for many years, but you two have set me free, so ask for any three boons you want to and it shall be fulfilled. But against your three boons you will have to fulfill one wish of mine".
The couple were so happy that they didn't think twice and presented their wishes.
"I want millions of dollars in my account", The husband said.
"Done", said the genie.
"I want diamond jewelleries in all my vaults".
"Done", said the genie.
"I want bunglows all over the world", said the husband.
"Done", said the geniee.
Now it was the time of the genies wish. "So" the genie said, "I have fulfilled all the three wishes you have said, and its time for my wish. I have not slept with a women for long. I wish to have sex with your wife.
The couple got worried, but the husband explained that it was only a genie and it didn't matter much to him. Besides the genie has given them a lot of things. So the wife consented.
The geniee and the wife had a lovely night together.
Finally in the morning the genie said, "it was wonderful but how old is your husband?"
"Why, he is just thirty five"
"My god ", said the geniee, "even at thirty five he still believes in geniees".
A husband and wife were having an argument. Suddenly the husband picked up a bottle lying near him and threw it at his wife. The bottle missed the wife and got into the neighbours' house breaking the window glass.
Now both the husband and wife got embarassed and went to apologise to the neighbour. Upon reaching the house, they found out a young man sitting on a couch with a smile on his face.
Before the couple could say anything, the man said, "I am a genie. I was enclosed in that bottle for many years, but you two have set me free, so ask for any three boons you want to and it shall be fulfilled. But against your three boons you will have to fulfill one wish of mine".
The couple were so happy that they didn't think twice and presented their wishes.
"I want millions of dollars in my account", The husband said.
"Done", said the genie.
"I want diamond jewelleries in all my vaults".
"Done", said the genie.
"I want bunglows all over the world", said the husband.
"Done", said the geniee.
Now it was the time of the genies wish. "So" the genie said, "I have fulfilled all the three wishes you have said, and its time for my wish. I have not slept with a women for long. I wish to have sex with your wife.
The couple got worried, but the husband explained that it was only a genie and it didn't matter much to him. Besides the genie has given them a lot of things. So the wife consented.
The geniee and the wife had a lovely night together.
Finally in the morning the genie said, "it was wonderful but how old is your husband?"
"Why, he is just thirty five"
"My god ", said the geniee, "even at thirty five he still believes in geniees".
smercer
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Better not pull her over
A woman is driving her car when she is pulled over by a a cop.
He says to her: "Ma'am, may i see your licence please? you were speeding".
The woman answers: "Oh no, officer, I don't have a licence, they took it after the 4th time i was caught driving drunk.".
The officer replies: "That is serious. Give me the car's registration forms, please".
The woman answers: "Oh, this is not my car. I stole it from my boss after i killed him. His body is in the trunk, by the way".
The cop is amazed and immidietly calls for backup while slowly moving away from the car, his hand on his gun.
When backup comes, the chief of the police approaches the woman with his gun pointed at her and orders her to get out of the vehicle.
The woman walks out, as ordered. Then the cheif says: "Ma'am, the officer said you reported a dead body in your trunk. please open it".
The woman acts amazed and when she opens the trunk, there is nothing there.
The surprised cheif says: "Can i also see your driving-licence?".
The woman opens her wallet and hands her licence to him.
The chief says: "Well, i'm soory ma'am, i don't know what to say. The officer over there told me you had a dead body in your trunk and that you didn't have a licence".
The woman smiles and says: "bet you that bastard also told you i was speeding, didn't he?"...
A woman is driving her car when she is pulled over by a a cop.
He says to her: "Ma'am, may i see your licence please? you were speeding".
The woman answers: "Oh no, officer, I don't have a licence, they took it after the 4th time i was caught driving drunk.".
The officer replies: "That is serious. Give me the car's registration forms, please".
The woman answers: "Oh, this is not my car. I stole it from my boss after i killed him. His body is in the trunk, by the way".
The cop is amazed and immidietly calls for backup while slowly moving away from the car, his hand on his gun.
When backup comes, the chief of the police approaches the woman with his gun pointed at her and orders her to get out of the vehicle.
The woman walks out, as ordered. Then the cheif says: "Ma'am, the officer said you reported a dead body in your trunk. please open it".
The woman acts amazed and when she opens the trunk, there is nothing there.
The surprised cheif says: "Can i also see your driving-licence?".
The woman opens her wallet and hands her licence to him.
The chief says: "Well, i'm soory ma'am, i don't know what to say. The officer over there told me you had a dead body in your trunk and that you didn't have a licence".
The woman smiles and says: "bet you that bastard also told you i was speeding, didn't he?"...
A sense of identity
An American oil-drilling company was erecting new offshore platforms in total isolation. Their industrial psycholgist was concerned about the effect this might have on the crew. It was, therefore, decided to test the reactions on three men. An Englishman, an American and the inevitable Irishman were selected and told to pick out their favourite leisure gear to help them cope with the next three months completely on their own in the middle of the ocean.
The American turned up with a suitcase, the Englishman with five huge plastic bags and the Irishman with only his hands in his pockets.
The industrial psychologist was, naturally, very curious. The American explained that he was taking his Linguaphone records and books to learn languages. The Englishman said he had 5000 golf balls to improve his game. Then they quizzed the Irishman who produced a packet of tampons from his pocket, reading aloud from the label, "With this you can go swimming, scuba diving, aerogliding, dancing and do aerobics."
An American oil-drilling company was erecting new offshore platforms in total isolation. Their industrial psycholgist was concerned about the effect this might have on the crew. It was, therefore, decided to test the reactions on three men. An Englishman, an American and the inevitable Irishman were selected and told to pick out their favourite leisure gear to help them cope with the next three months completely on their own in the middle of the ocean.
The American turned up with a suitcase, the Englishman with five huge plastic bags and the Irishman with only his hands in his pockets.
The industrial psychologist was, naturally, very curious. The American explained that he was taking his Linguaphone records and books to learn languages. The Englishman said he had 5000 golf balls to improve his game. Then they quizzed the Irishman who produced a packet of tampons from his pocket, reading aloud from the label, "With this you can go swimming, scuba diving, aerogliding, dancing and do aerobics."
Should we keep this thread going?
Subject: An interesting piece of research......
A recent study found that the kind of male face that a woman is attracted to can vary considerably depending upon where she is in her menstrual cycle.
It seems that if a women is ovulating then she is more attracted to a man with rugged and masculine features.
However, if she is menstruating, she is more inclined to be drawn to a man who is doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors embedded deep into his temple and a cricket stump shoved up his arse.
***********************************************************
Three old guys out walking.
First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, its Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Lets go get a beer."
***********************************************************
A man was telling his neighbour, "I just bought a new hearing aid.
It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect"
"Really," answered the neighbour. "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."
**************************************************
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.
A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said,
"You're doing really great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.' "
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You got a heart murmur. Be careful.'"
**************************************************
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.
After catching his breath he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "arthritis."
=================================
Subject: An interesting piece of research......
A recent study found that the kind of male face that a woman is attracted to can vary considerably depending upon where she is in her menstrual cycle.
It seems that if a women is ovulating then she is more attracted to a man with rugged and masculine features.
However, if she is menstruating, she is more inclined to be drawn to a man who is doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors embedded deep into his temple and a cricket stump shoved up his arse.
***********************************************************
Three old guys out walking.
First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, its Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Lets go get a beer."
***********************************************************
A man was telling his neighbour, "I just bought a new hearing aid.
It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect"
"Really," answered the neighbour. "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."
**************************************************
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.
A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said,
"You're doing really great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.' "
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You got a heart murmur. Be careful.'"
**************************************************
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.
After catching his breath he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "arthritis."
=================================
fuzzygeek
Energy Ebbing
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- Mar 28, 2003
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- 989
A New Orleans lawyer
A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the Lawyer three months to track down.
After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply (actual letter):
"Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral property back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin."
Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows (actual letter):
"Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have title extended further than the 194 years covered by the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased, by the U.S., from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application.
For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain. The land came into the possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the Spanish monarch, Isabella. The good queen, Isabella, being pious woman and almost as careful about titles as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to finance Columbus' expedition.
Now the Pope, as I'm sure you may know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that God also made that part of the world called Louisiana. God, therefore, would be the owner of origin and His origins date back, to before the beginning of time, the world as we know it AND the FHA. I hope you at the FHA find God's original claim to be satisfactory.
Now, may we have our loan?"
The loan was approved.
A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the Lawyer three months to track down.
After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply (actual letter):
"Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral property back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin."
Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows (actual letter):
"Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have title extended further than the 194 years covered by the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased, by the U.S., from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application.
For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain. The land came into the possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the Spanish monarch, Isabella. The good queen, Isabella, being pious woman and almost as careful about titles as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to finance Columbus' expedition.
Now the Pope, as I'm sure you may know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that God also made that part of the world called Louisiana. God, therefore, would be the owner of origin and His origins date back, to before the beginning of time, the world as we know it AND the FHA. I hope you at the FHA find God's original claim to be satisfactory.
Now, may we have our loan?"
The loan was approved.
Newman
Québécois
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- Aug 26, 2002
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- 766
If someone ASCII stupid question, give him a stupid ANSI.
---------------------
- Have you lost your mind?
-Yeah! But I have a backup on tape.
---------------------
An analyst to a programmer:
-OK! You start coding while I find out what the customer wants.
---------------------
Customer to computer technician:
-There is smoke coming out from my computer.
-You need a new motherboard.
-No! I just want an Anti-smoke CD.
-That doesn't exist.
A week later:
-I want a new motherboard.
-So, you agree with me that there is no such thing as an Anti-Smoke CD.
-No! I bought one from Microsoft. But they told me that it was not compatible with my motherboard.
---------------------
-I've heard that you can hear the Devil if you play one of the Beatles album backward.
-I've heard something that is even more diabolic and it is with the Windows XP CD.
-With a CD? How do you play it backward?
-Don't have to play it backward. Just press «Install» and you'll feel the devil.
---------------------
-I've heard that Windows 2006 is almost ready. They just have to put some bugs in and it's done.
---------------------
-Daddy! How do you make babies?
-Mom started by doing some downloads from my memory stick. When I began uploading, Mom found out that we didn't have a firewall, but it was to late to delete and that's how she got the virus that you are.
---------------------
- Have you lost your mind?
-Yeah! But I have a backup on tape.
---------------------
An analyst to a programmer:
-OK! You start coding while I find out what the customer wants.
---------------------
Customer to computer technician:
-There is smoke coming out from my computer.
-You need a new motherboard.
-No! I just want an Anti-smoke CD.
-That doesn't exist.
A week later:
-I want a new motherboard.
-So, you agree with me that there is no such thing as an Anti-Smoke CD.
-No! I bought one from Microsoft. But they told me that it was not compatible with my motherboard.
---------------------
-I've heard that you can hear the Devil if you play one of the Beatles album backward.
-I've heard something that is even more diabolic and it is with the Windows XP CD.
-With a CD? How do you play it backward?
-Don't have to play it backward. Just press «Install» and you'll feel the devil.
---------------------
-I've heard that Windows 2006 is almost ready. They just have to put some bugs in and it's done.
---------------------
-Daddy! How do you make babies?
-Mom started by doing some downloads from my memory stick. When I began uploading, Mom found out that we didn't have a firewall, but it was to late to delete and that's how she got the virus that you are.
smercer
Registered User.
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Error writer
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define great, he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define great, he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
Ally
Registered User.
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- Sep 18, 2001
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- 617
While walking down the street one day Tony Blair is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," says Blair.
"Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to
spend eternity."
"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says Blair
"I'm sorry but we have our rules."
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a club house and standing in front of it
are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him, everyone is
very happy and in elegant clothing. They run to greet him, hug him, slap him
on the back and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich
at expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine
on lobster and caviar. Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly
guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that, before he realises it, it is time for Blair to go.
Everyone gives him a big hug and waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
"Now it's time to visit Heaven."
So 24 hours pass with the Blair joining a group of content ed souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realises it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
"Well then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity."
Blair reflects for a minute, then answers:
"Well, I would never have said it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell."
So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to
Hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren
land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. The Devil comes over to him and lays his arm on his shoulders.
"I don't understand," stammers Blair. Yesterday I was here and there was a
golf course and club and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland full of garbage and my friends
look miserable."
The Devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning.
Today you voted for us!"
"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," says Blair.
"Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to
spend eternity."
"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says Blair
"I'm sorry but we have our rules."
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a club house and standing in front of it
are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him, everyone is
very happy and in elegant clothing. They run to greet him, hug him, slap him
on the back and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich
at expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine
on lobster and caviar. Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly
guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that, before he realises it, it is time for Blair to go.
Everyone gives him a big hug and waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
"Now it's time to visit Heaven."
So 24 hours pass with the Blair joining a group of content ed souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realises it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
"Well then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity."
Blair reflects for a minute, then answers:
"Well, I would never have said it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell."
So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to
Hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren
land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. The Devil comes over to him and lays his arm on his shoulders.
"I don't understand," stammers Blair. Yesterday I was here and there was a
golf course and club and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland full of garbage and my friends
look miserable."
The Devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning.
Today you voted for us!"
Heaven 
Three men died in a car accident and met Jesus himself at the Pearly Gates.
The Lord spoke unto them saying, "I will ask you each a simple question. If you tell the truth I will allow you into heaven, but if you lie....Hell is waiting for you.
To the first man the Lord asked, "How many times did you cheat on your wife?" The first man replied, "Lord, I was a good husband. I never cheated on my wife." The Lord replied, "Very good! Not only will I allow you in, but for being faithful to your wife I will give you a huge mansion and a limo for your transportation.
To the second man the Lord asked, "How many times did you cheat on your wife?" The second man replied, "Lord, I cheated on my wife twice." The Lord replied, "I will allow you to come in, but for your unfaithfulness, you will get a four- bedroom house and a BMW.
To the third man the Lord asked, "So, how many times did you cheat on your wife?" The third man replied, "Lord, I cheated on my wife about 8 times." The Lord replied, "I will allow you to come in, but for your unfaithfulness, you will get a one-room apartment, and a Yugo for your transportation.
A couple hours later the second and third men saw the first man crying his eyes out. "Why are you crying?" the two men asked. "You got the mansion and limo!" The first man replied, "I'm crying because I saw my wife a little while ago, and she was riding a skateboard!"
Three men died in a car accident and met Jesus himself at the Pearly Gates.
The Lord spoke unto them saying, "I will ask you each a simple question. If you tell the truth I will allow you into heaven, but if you lie....Hell is waiting for you.
To the first man the Lord asked, "How many times did you cheat on your wife?" The first man replied, "Lord, I was a good husband. I never cheated on my wife." The Lord replied, "Very good! Not only will I allow you in, but for being faithful to your wife I will give you a huge mansion and a limo for your transportation.
To the second man the Lord asked, "How many times did you cheat on your wife?" The second man replied, "Lord, I cheated on my wife twice." The Lord replied, "I will allow you to come in, but for your unfaithfulness, you will get a four- bedroom house and a BMW.
To the third man the Lord asked, "So, how many times did you cheat on your wife?" The third man replied, "Lord, I cheated on my wife about 8 times." The Lord replied, "I will allow you to come in, but for your unfaithfulness, you will get a one-room apartment, and a Yugo for your transportation.
A couple hours later the second and third men saw the first man crying his eyes out. "Why are you crying?" the two men asked. "You got the mansion and limo!" The first man replied, "I'm crying because I saw my wife a little while ago, and she was riding a skateboard!"
bachelors and spinsters ... caught between heaven and hell!
Bill Gates died in a car accident. He found himself in Purgatory beingsized up by God.
"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in the world and yet you created that ghastly Windows 95 and then Windows 98. I'm going to do something I've never done before. In your case, I'm going to let you decide where you want to go!"
Bill replied, "Well, thanks, God. What's the difference between the two?"
God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly if it will help you make a decision."
"Fine, but where should I go first?"
God said, "I'm going to leave that up to you."
Bill said, "OK, then, let's try Hell first."
So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing, and frolicking about. The sun was shining and the temperature was perfect. Bill was very pleased.
"This is great!" he told God, "If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven!"
"Fine," said God and off they went.
Heaven was a high place in the clouds, with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute and rendered his decision.
Hmm, I think I prefer Hell," he told God."
"Fine," retorted God, "as you desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell.
Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When God arrived in Hell, he found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amongst the hot flames in a dark cave He was being burned and tortured by demons.
"How's everything going, Bill?" God asked.
Bill responded, his voice full of anguish and disappointment,
"This is awful; this is not what I expected. I can't believe this happened. What happened to that other place with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water?"
God said, "That was the screen saver."
[yes, I know ... a similar one has been posted ... but they are not many purgatory jokes around ... lol]
Bill Gates died in a car accident. He found himself in Purgatory beingsized up by God.
"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in the world and yet you created that ghastly Windows 95 and then Windows 98. I'm going to do something I've never done before. In your case, I'm going to let you decide where you want to go!"
Bill replied, "Well, thanks, God. What's the difference between the two?"
God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly if it will help you make a decision."
"Fine, but where should I go first?"
God said, "I'm going to leave that up to you."
Bill said, "OK, then, let's try Hell first."
So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing, and frolicking about. The sun was shining and the temperature was perfect. Bill was very pleased.
"This is great!" he told God, "If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven!"
"Fine," said God and off they went.
Heaven was a high place in the clouds, with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute and rendered his decision.
Hmm, I think I prefer Hell," he told God."
"Fine," retorted God, "as you desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell.
Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When God arrived in Hell, he found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amongst the hot flames in a dark cave He was being burned and tortured by demons.
"How's everything going, Bill?" God asked.
Bill responded, his voice full of anguish and disappointment,
"This is awful; this is not what I expected. I can't believe this happened. What happened to that other place with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water?"
God said, "That was the screen saver."
[yes, I know ... a similar one has been posted ... but they are not many purgatory jokes around ... lol]
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