What's your best/worst joke? (2 Viewers)

[Jacob Mathai]

business advertisements

Found on a trash (garbage) truck in Virginia : Satisfaction guarenteed or double your trash back.

Divorce lawyer advertisement : Satisfaction guarenteed or your honey back.

 

[Jacob Mathai]

This circus company was folding its operations due to huge business losses. The manager called all the employees and gave them the bad news. To make things worse, there was not enough money to pay all employees, only 3 employees will be paid.

The manager said : "As I call your name, please come and receive your paycheck."

"Ivan the knife thrower."
"Sampson the strong man."
"Benny the bone crusher."

 

[HiArt]

This circus company was folding its operations due to huge business losses. The manager called all the employees and gave them the bad news. To make things worse, there was not enough money to pay all employees, only 3 employees will be paid.

The manager said : "As I call your name, please come and receive your paycheck."

"Ivan the knife thrower."
"Sampson the strong man."
"Benny the bone crusher."

Bet the Lion Tamer was p*ss*ed

 

[Rusty]

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful .. CAREFUL! Put in
some more butter! Oh Good Grief! You're cooking too many at once. TOO
MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh Good Grief !
WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK!

Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're
cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your
mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them.
Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What on earth is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs? "

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving".

 

[Rusty]

There is a factory in America which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arm. A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 08:00.

The next day at 08:45 there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman from the assembly line throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands the new employee surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches the woman. "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday".







Wait for it.....








"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles".

 

[KenHigg]

Wal Mart

15 Things to do at Wal-Mart while your spouse/partner is taking their sweet time:

1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in peoples carts when they aren't looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.

4. Walk up to an employee and tell them "Code 3 in Housewares" and see
what they do.

5. Go the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.

6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

9. Look right into the security camera; use it as a mirror, and pick your nose.

10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.

11. Dart around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

12. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using different size funnels.

13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say "PICK ME!"

14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!"

15. Go into a fitting room, shut the door and wait a while; and then yell, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"

 

[Newman]

11. Dart around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

I did something similar when I was around 14 years old.
I walk in a store and I fake stealing things. When the security stoped me at the doors, I made sure that every one else was watching me. They asked me to open my coat, empty my pockets and my bags. When they finaly find out that I took nothing I start yelling that it isn't fair to always think that teens are thieves. Then, every customers are mad at the security staff.


Thinking about it now, I should have gone again the next morning and steal from them. I bet he wouldn't have asked me to open my bags again.

 

[Jacob Mathai]

This once rich couple was not rich anymore. Money was tight. One day the wife said : "Our ladies club is having a a fundraising dinner for a worthy charity. I am planning to donate a ham."
Husband : "You know we do not have that kind of money."
Wife : "Tell me dear, what can we give?"
Husband : "Franks my dear, I don't give a ham."

 

[GSM]

As it's Friday............

A SPARROW goes into a pub and asks for a brandy and coke. The barman finds it a
bit weird, but gets the drink anyway. The sparrow reaches under its wing and
pulls out its purse.

The barman turns around to one of the locals and says: "That's weird"
The local says: "What: a sparrow that drinks?"
"No", says the barman
"A sparrow with money then? asks the local
"No, a bird that buys her own drink!!!"
---------------------------
TWO little old ladies are at a very long church service.

After a while one says to the other: "My butt is asleep."

Her friend responds: "Yes, I know. I have heard it snore three times
--------------------------
A BEAR walks into a bar an says to the bar tender: "I would like a bourbon
and......a coke."
The bar tender says: "What's up with the big pause?"
The bear replies: "I've had them all my life"
------------------------------------
A MAN and a woman, who have never met before, found themselves assigned to the
same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two were tired
and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 a.m., he leaned over and gently wakes the woman, saying: "Ma'am, I'm
sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me
a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.

"Good," she replied. "Get your own damn blanket!" After a moment of silence, he farted.
----------------------------
KNOCK KNOCK
Who's There?
Honey Bee
Honey Bee who?
Honey, bee a dear and get me a beer from the fridge.
-----------------------------
Q. How do you tease fruit?
A. Banananananananana!
--------------------------------------------
A BLONDE woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was
pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde. The cop asked to
see the blonde's driver's license.

She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. "What
does it look like?" she finally asked. The policewoman replied, "It's square and
it has your picture on it."
The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it to the
policewoman.
"Here it is," she said. The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it
back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

--------------------------
Q. WHY were the teacher's eyes crossed?
A. She couldn't control her pupils!
----------------
A REPORTER was interviewing a 104 year-old woman: "And what do you think is the
best thing about being 104?"

She simply replied: "No peer pressure."
===================================================

 

[Rusty]

14 things a man can do at Asda/Walmart while his wife is taking her time:

01.. Get 24 boxes of condoms & randomly put them in people's trolleys when they aren't looking.

02. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5 minute intervals.

03. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the ladies toilet.

04. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone: 'Code 3 in Housewares... and see what happens.

05. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on credit.

06. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

07. Set-up a tent in the Camping Department? and tell other shoppers you
are sleeping over and invite them in if they bring pillows from the Bedding
Department.

08. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask: "Why
can't you people just leave me alone?"

09. Look right into the security camera, use it as a mirror and pick your
nose.

10. While handling large knives in the Kitchen Dept, ask the clerk if he
knows where the anti-depressants are located.

11. Dart around the store suspiciously, while loudly humming the theme from
Mission Impossible.

12. Hide in a clothing rack .. . . and when people browse through, say:
"PICK ME!!! PICK ME!!!"

13. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, hit the floor and
assume the fetal position and scream "NO!...It's those voices again!!!"

And last but not least:

14. Go into a fitting room, shut the door and wait a while... then yell
loudly: "There's no toilet paper in here!"

 

[dgoulston]

Rusty - that one was posted and quoted only 5 posts ago

regards
Dal

ok ok u changed 2 of them to be more relevent to uk:

03. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the *ladies* toilet.

10. While handling *large knives in the Kitchen Dept*, ask the clerk if he
knows where the anti-depressants are located.

 

[Jacob Mathai]

The husband was getting ready to go to work in the morning. His wife kissed him and said : "You know today is an important day."
The husband was embarassed that he forgot their anniversary, but glad she gave him a hint.
Around 10:00 AM, the doorbell rang at the house. Two dozen red roses were delvered by the flowershop delivery man.
At noon, a giftbox from a jewelry store was delivered.
At 3:00 PM, a packet of expensive chocolate was delivered.

When the husband came home in the evening, his wife showered him with hugs and kisses. Then she said : "This is the best groundhog day I ever had."

 

[Jacob Mathai]

Did you hear about the flasher who wanted to retire?
He then found out that he had not saved enough money for retirement.
So, he decided to stick it out couple more years.

 

[GSM]

A young boy asks his father, "Dad, is it OK for us guys to
notice all the different kind of boobs?"
Surprised, the father answers, "Well, sure son, we wouldn't
be normal if we didn't. There are all kinds of breasts
depending on a woman's age. In her twenties, a woman's
breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to
forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After fifty, they are like onions."
"Onions, Dad?"
"Yeah, you see them and they make you cry."
Not to be outdone, his sister asks her mother, "Mom, how many
kind of weenies are there?"
The mother, delighted to have equal time, answers, "Well, a
man goes through three phases. In a man's twenties, a man's
weenie is like an oak, mighty and hard. In his thirties and
forties, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his
fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."
"A Christmas tree?"
"Yep, dried up and the balls are only there for decoration."

 

[Oldsoftboss]

Just been camping for the weekend, and, like every camping trip, was very educational. (Actually went to an event called the Southern 80, a water ski race http://www.southern80.com.au/ The boats averaged around 173 km/h - 110 mph on the Saturday and 145 on the Sunday. Bloody quick when you remember they are towing 2 skiers and this is the average speed over 80 km of the twisting Murray river)

Some gems...

Spanner water..
When the water is cold, because it tightens your nuts.

Dingos breakfast..
This come around when we asked one of the guys what he had for breakfast. Looking puzzled, he replied:

A piss and a quick look around.

Coon boots..
Bare feet

 

[Jacob Mathai]

Wife Mart

A store that sells wives opens in Dallas, TX, where a man may go to choose a wife from among MANY women. The store is comprised of 6 floors, and the women increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights.



There is however, a catch: As you open the door to any floor you may choose a wife from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building--no stopping on any lower floors.



A man goes to the shopping center to find a wife.



On the first floor the sign on the door reads:



Floor 1 - These women have jobs.



The man reads the sign and says to himself, "Well, that's better than my last girlfriend, but I wonder what's further up?" So up he goes.



The second floor sign reads Floor 2 - These women have jobs, love sports, and drink beer. The man smiles to himself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?"



The third floor sign reads Floor 3 - These women have jobs, love sports, drink beer, and are extremely good looking. "Hmmm, better!" he says, "But I wonder what's upstairs?"



The fourth floor sign reads Floor 4 - These women have jobs, love sports, drink beer, are extremely good looking and do all the housework. "Wow!" exclaims the man, "very tempting. BUT, there must be more, much more, further up!" He heads up another flight.



The fifth floor sign reads Floor 5 - These women have jobs, love sports,

drink beer, are extremely good looking, do all the housework and don't bitch and gripe about anything.



"Hot Damn! How close to perfect can you get? But just think...what must be awaiting me further on?" So up to the sixth floor he goes.



The sixth floor sign reads Floor 6 - You are visitor 133,956,779,012 to this floor. There are no women on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that men are impossible to please.



Thank you for shopping Wife Mart, and have a nice day.

 

[Sandre]

A modern fairy tale

Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent,self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat, contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle. The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said: "Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. Kiss me, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am. And then, my sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel grateful and happy doing so."

That night, the princess chuckled and thought to herself: "I don't f ****** think so" as she dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly sautéed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce.

 

[Newman]

Three vampires get into a bar.
French vampire: "I want a glass of blood."
American vampire: "I want a mug of blood."
British vampire: "I want a cup of boiling water."
Barman: "A cup of boiling water! Why?"
British vampire: "I brang a tampon and want to have some tea."

 

[Rusty]

Three girls worked in an office with the same female boss and
each day they noticed that the boss left work early.

One day the three girls decided that when their boss left, they
would leave shortly after her. After all, she never came back
to work so she would never know that they went home early too.

The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little
gardening, spent time playing with her son and enjoyed her
evening.

The redhead was pleased to be able to get in a quick workout at
the spa before meeting a dinner date.

The blonde was happy to get home early and suprise her husband
but when she got to her bedroom she heard noises coming from
inside. Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was
mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss. Gently, she
closed the door and crept out of her house.

The next day, during their coffee break, the brunette and
redhead planned to leave early again and they asked the blonde
is she was going to do likewise.

"No way", the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday!"

 

[lmnop7854]

Okay, I got one!!! I don't think this one has been posted here before, but the way emails get around, you may have seen it already. And while we are on the blonde subject.....

A blonde was shopping at a Target Store and came across a silver thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and brought it over to the clerk to ask what it was. The clerk said, "That's a thermos . . . it keeps some things hot and some things cold." "Wow, said the blonde, "that's amazing. I'm going to buy it!" So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day Her boss saw it on her desk.

"What do you have there?" he asked.

"Why, that's a thermos . . . it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold," she replied.

Her boss inquired, "What do you have in it?" The blond replied, "Two Popsicles, and some coffee".

Lisa