What's your best/worst joke?
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To err is human, but to really foul-up you need a computer
Murphy's Laws
Murphy's First Law: Nothing is as easy as it looks.
Murphy's Second Law: Everything takes longer than you think.
Murphy's Third Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Murphy's Fourth Law: If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.
Murphy's Fifth Law: If anything just cannot go wrong, it will anyway.
Murphy's Sixth Law: If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure can go wrong and circumvent these, then a fifth way, unprepared for, will promptly develop.
Murphy's Seventh Law: Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
A corollary : After things have gone from bad to worse, the cycle will repeat itself.
Murphy's Eight Law: If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Murphy's Ninth Law: Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.
Murphy's Tenth Law: Mother Nature is a bitch.
Murphy's Eleventh Law: It is impossible to make anything foolproof, because fools are so ingenious.
Murphy's Laws
Murphy's First Law: Nothing is as easy as it looks.
Murphy's Second Law: Everything takes longer than you think.
Murphy's Third Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Murphy's Fourth Law: If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.
Murphy's Fifth Law: If anything just cannot go wrong, it will anyway.
Murphy's Sixth Law: If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure can go wrong and circumvent these, then a fifth way, unprepared for, will promptly develop.
Murphy's Seventh Law: Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
A corollary : After things have gone from bad to worse, the cycle will repeat itself.
Murphy's Eight Law: If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Murphy's Ninth Law: Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.
Murphy's Tenth Law: Mother Nature is a bitch.
Murphy's Eleventh Law: It is impossible to make anything foolproof, because fools are so ingenious.
Groundrush
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Code Word For Sex
A husband and wife decided they needed to use "code" to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word Typewriter.
One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter".
The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now cause there is a red ribbon in the typewriter." The child went back to tell her father what mommy said.
A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now."
The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand."
A husband and wife decided they needed to use "code" to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word Typewriter.
One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter".
The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now cause there is a red ribbon in the typewriter." The child went back to tell her father what mommy said.
A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now."
The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand."
Rusty
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Warning Terrible Joke*
A man moves into an apartment of the fifth floor of a block of flats. He wanders out to the balcony to check out his new view and hasn't been there two seconds when something falls just in front of him. Re-acting quickly he reaches out and catches it. Opening his hand he finds a glass eye in it. Looking up he shes a pretty young lady leaning over the balcony a few floors above him.
He shouts out to her... "Is this yours" and she shouts back "Why yes I dropped it sorry".. He shouts back "Not to worry I'll bring it up".
Thankful, she invites him in for coffee and then they go out for dinner and back to hers, where one thing leads to another and they wake up in bed in the morning.
The man turns to the woman and asks "I hope you don't mind me asking but are you like this with every guy you meet?"
She replies ........"No only those that catch my eye".
Rusty
A man moves into an apartment of the fifth floor of a block of flats. He wanders out to the balcony to check out his new view and hasn't been there two seconds when something falls just in front of him. Re-acting quickly he reaches out and catches it. Opening his hand he finds a glass eye in it. Looking up he shes a pretty young lady leaning over the balcony a few floors above him.
He shouts out to her... "Is this yours" and she shouts back "Why yes I dropped it sorry".. He shouts back "Not to worry I'll bring it up".
Thankful, she invites him in for coffee and then they go out for dinner and back to hers, where one thing leads to another and they wake up in bed in the morning.
The man turns to the woman and asks "I hope you don't mind me asking but are you like this with every guy you meet?"
She replies ........"No only those that catch my eye".
Rusty
Jacob Mathai
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American Management
Management Example
A Japanese company and an American company decided to have a crew race on the Missouri River.
Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race.
On the big day the Japanese team won by a mile. Afterward, the American team became very discouraged and morally depressed. The American management decided the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found.
A Management Team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action. Their conclusion was the Japanese had eight people rowing and one person steering while the American team had eight people steering and one person rowing.
So the American management hired consultants and paid them an incredible amount of money. They advised that too many people were steering the boat while not enough people were rowing.
To prevent losing to the Japanese again next year, the American rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to four steering supervisors, three area steering superintendents, and one assistant superintendent steering manager. They also implemented a new performance and productivity system that would give the one person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder.
It was called the Rowing Team Quality First Program with meetings, dinners, PowerPoint presentations and free pens for the rower. Even new paddles and medical benefit incentives were promised for a winner in an attempt to give the rower empowerment and enrichment through this quality program.
The next year the four steering supervisors supervised; the three area superintendents superintended; the assistant superintendent steering manager managed and the rower rowed as hard as he could. Nonetheless, the Japanese won by two miles.
Humiliated, the American management laid off the rower for poor performance, hired a Mexican rower replacement, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and cancelled all rower medical benefits.
The money saved was distributed to the senior executives as a bonus.
Management Example
A Japanese company and an American company decided to have a crew race on the Missouri River.
Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race.
On the big day the Japanese team won by a mile. Afterward, the American team became very discouraged and morally depressed. The American management decided the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found.
A Management Team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action. Their conclusion was the Japanese had eight people rowing and one person steering while the American team had eight people steering and one person rowing.
So the American management hired consultants and paid them an incredible amount of money. They advised that too many people were steering the boat while not enough people were rowing.
To prevent losing to the Japanese again next year, the American rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to four steering supervisors, three area steering superintendents, and one assistant superintendent steering manager. They also implemented a new performance and productivity system that would give the one person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder.
It was called the Rowing Team Quality First Program with meetings, dinners, PowerPoint presentations and free pens for the rower. Even new paddles and medical benefit incentives were promised for a winner in an attempt to give the rower empowerment and enrichment through this quality program.
The next year the four steering supervisors supervised; the three area superintendents superintended; the assistant superintendent steering manager managed and the rower rowed as hard as he could. Nonetheless, the Japanese won by two miles.
Humiliated, the American management laid off the rower for poor performance, hired a Mexican rower replacement, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and cancelled all rower medical benefits.
The money saved was distributed to the senior executives as a bonus.
Oldsoftboss
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Oh... Sad 
but how true.
but how true.Jacob Mathai
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A man in USA had twin sons. Due to financial difficulties, he put them up for adoption. One kid was adopted by a family in South America. They named him Juan. The other kid was adopted by a family in Egypt and they named him Amal.
Years later the biological father had a desire to see his sons. He located the son in South America and visited him. Then he came back home. His relatives asked him if he was going to Egypt to see the other son.
The man replied : "No. You saw Juan, you saw Amal."
Years later the biological father had a desire to see his sons. He located the son in South America and visited him. Then he came back home. His relatives asked him if he was going to Egypt to see the other son.
The man replied : "No. You saw Juan, you saw Amal."
T
Temmu
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a woman has a miniature dog she's readying for the show, but it jumps back in alarm each time she trys to trim it.
her neighbor recommends a pharmacist who makes this wonderful hair removal cream.
at the pharmacy, the woman asks for some.
upon producing a small white glass jar of the stuff, the pharmacist warns, don't do too much exercise for the next day, the perspiration will kill your arm pits.
the woman replies, oh, no, you don't understand, it's for my schnauzer!
the pharmacist, a little taken aback, replies, oh, well, then don't ride your bike!
her neighbor recommends a pharmacist who makes this wonderful hair removal cream.
at the pharmacy, the woman asks for some.
upon producing a small white glass jar of the stuff, the pharmacist warns, don't do too much exercise for the next day, the perspiration will kill your arm pits.
the woman replies, oh, no, you don't understand, it's for my schnauzer!
the pharmacist, a little taken aback, replies, oh, well, then don't ride your bike!
A vampire couple decided to go on holiday to Venice. They toured around the city (at night, of course) and decided to eat when they got to the Bridge of Sighs. A young couple came along, so the vampires grabbed one each, dined, and chucked the bodies over the bridge. As they were both still hungry, they hung around a bit longer until another couple came along, and after eating, threw the bodies over the bridge. Being still hungry, they did this a third time and were just about to leave when they heard muffled singing coming from under the bridge. Curious, they leaned over, and saw a large crocodile sitting under the bridge, grinning hugely and singing "Drained wops keep falling on my head"
<gets coat>
<gets coat>
It's a bitterly cold day. A tramp walks along the pavement and stops outside a high class jewellers, puffing and flapping his arms to keep warm. Something in the window attracts him, so he goes into the warmth of the jewellers. He immediately begins somewhat luxuriously scratching his backside, pleasure all over his face. The rather snooty jeweller rushes from the back and demands to know what the hell the tramp is doing!? At this point the tramp points to a sign in the window:
"come in to the warm and pick your own ring in comfort"
"come in to the warm and pick your own ring in comfort"
Rusty
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Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better at using the computer.
They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all the bickering. Finally, God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test which will take two hours and it will judge who does the better job."
So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.
They moused.
They did spreadsheets.
They wrote reports.
They sent faxes.
They sent e-mail.
They sent out e-mail with attachments.
They downloaded.
They did some genealogy reports.
They made cards.
They did every known job.
But, ten minutes before the time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured, and of course, the electricity went off.
Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld.
Jesus just sighed.
The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of them restarted their computers.
Satan started searching frantically screaming, "It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!"
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all his files from the past two hours.
Satan observed this and became even more irate. "Wait! HE cheated! How did he do it??!!"
You'll love the punch line.......
God shrugged and said,
"Jesus Saves."
They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all the bickering. Finally, God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test which will take two hours and it will judge who does the better job."
So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.
They moused.
They did spreadsheets.
They wrote reports.
They sent faxes.
They sent e-mail.
They sent out e-mail with attachments.
They downloaded.
They did some genealogy reports.
They made cards.
They did every known job.
But, ten minutes before the time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured, and of course, the electricity went off.
Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld.
Jesus just sighed.
The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of them restarted their computers.
Satan started searching frantically screaming, "It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!"
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all his files from the past two hours.
Satan observed this and became even more irate. "Wait! HE cheated! How did he do it??!!"
You'll love the punch line.......
God shrugged and said,
"Jesus Saves."
little girl takin a bath with her mum and asks "mummy what is that between your legs?"
Mummy says shyly "erm that is my erm hedgehog love".
"Oh" says the girl. "Grandma has one too doesn't she?"
"Yes" says mummmy.
"Yes, but hers has been run over!" says the little girl.
"Erm what do you mean run over?!" asks mummy.
"Well with all its guts hanging out like that!"
Mummy says shyly "erm that is my erm hedgehog love".
"Oh" says the girl. "Grandma has one too doesn't she?"
"Yes" says mummmy.
"Yes, but hers has been run over!" says the little girl.
"Erm what do you mean run over?!" asks mummy.
"Well with all its guts hanging out like that!"
Jacob Mathai
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The dentist explained to the teenager about the importance of flossing. At the next checkup, there was this conversation.
Dentist : Are you flossing regularly?
Teenager : Yes, but flossing is a pain in the butt.
Dentist : Sounds like you are flossing the wrong place.
Dentist : Are you flossing regularly?
Teenager : Yes, but flossing is a pain in the butt.
Dentist : Sounds like you are flossing the wrong place.
mresann
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Rusty said:Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better at using the computer.
They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all the bickering. Finally, God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test which will take two hours and it will judge who does the better job."
So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.
They moused.
They did spreadsheets.
They wrote reports.
They sent faxes.
They sent e-mail.
They sent out e-mail with attachments.
They downloaded.
They did some genealogy reports.
They made cards.
They did every known job.
But, ten minutes before the time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured, and of course, the electricity went off.
Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld.
Jesus just sighed.
The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of them restarted their computers.
Satan started searching frantically screaming, "It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!"
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all his files from the past two hours.
Satan observed this and became even more irate. "Wait! HE cheated! How did he do it??!!"
You'll love the punch line.......
God shrugged and said,
"Jesus Saves."
The democratic party has officially challenged this joke on the basis of separation of Church and State.
fuzzygeek
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There was an older woman wandering around the supermarket calling out,
"Crisco, Crissssco!"
Soon, a store clerk approached her, saying, "Madam, the Crisco is on Aisle D."
The woman replied, "Oh, I'm not looking for the cooking stuff. I'm calling my husband."
"Your husband's name is Crisco?" asked the clerk.
"Oh, no, no! I only call him that when we're in public," she said.
Curious, the clerk asked, "Well, what do you call him when you're at home?
"Lard ass," she replied.
"Crisco, Crissssco!"
Soon, a store clerk approached her, saying, "Madam, the Crisco is on Aisle D."
The woman replied, "Oh, I'm not looking for the cooking stuff. I'm calling my husband."
"Your husband's name is Crisco?" asked the clerk.
"Oh, no, no! I only call him that when we're in public," she said.
Curious, the clerk asked, "Well, what do you call him when you're at home?
"Lard ass," she replied.
Oldsoftboss
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Sorry, I don't get it 
Oldsoftboss
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In Australia, Chrisco is a christmas hamper subscription organisation.
http://www.chriscohampers.com.au/
http://www.chriscohampers.com.au/
fuzzygeek
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Well shucks!
I've seen this product since I was a child (long ago). I didn't realize that it wasn't international.
http://www.crisco.com/index.asp
Cooking oil, etc.
I've seen this product since I was a child (long ago). I didn't realize that it wasn't international.
http://www.crisco.com/index.asp
Cooking oil, etc.
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