What's your best/worst joke?

[Kraj]

I was forwarded this one at work and hadn't heard it before:

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, ..go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2006 models. I saw one I really liked"

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$90,000"

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing ... The house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000"

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. If it's really a pretty good price."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.

He smiles and asks, "Anyone know who this phone belongs to???"

 

[radar2000]

** Caution **

A lady walks into a pub and has a seat at the bar. She orders a drink to unwind after a long day. As she's having her drink, she notices this man walk in carrying a frog. The man sits down and places the frog onto of the bar.

The women in disgust, says to the man, "What is that?!"
The man replies, "Well lady, it's a frog."
The lady replies, "What's a frog doing in a bar?"
The man replies, "Well lady, this is no ordinary frog."
She replies, "Well, what does he do?"
Man replies, "Well...he licks p*ssy."
The lady in absolute shock says, "That's disgusting!" and moves a few seats away from the man and frog.

A couple of hours later and a few more drinks, the lady starts feeling frisky and says to herself, "licks p*ssy eh? Well it can be all that bad...I wonder..." She approaches the man with the frog and says, "OK, you've peaked my curiosity. I want to have your frog lick my p*ssy."

They go back to the mans apartment and the man tells the woman to lay down on his bed. He places the frog between her legs, looks at the frog and says, "OK frog, lick p*ssy." Ribit...The frog just sits there and does nothing. The man once again says, "I said lick p*ssy." Ribit...The frog sits there and does nothing. The man at this time is furious, as he repeats "Lick p*ssy! Lick p*ssy!!!" Ribit...the frog just sits there. The woman at this point wonders if the frog will ever get the job done. The man who now is clearly embarrassed, picks up the frog, looks him straight in the face and says..."OK Frog. This is the last time I'm going to show you how to do this."

 

[Uncle Gizmo]

If you are what you eat, then a m*ff di*er is a ?

I capitulate! I read an interesting thread recently which said that what you post can affect your job prospects as more and more people are using the Internet to find out about you. It's not beyond people's capability to link this joke to me personally, so I am and removing it!

What the hell, I might want to be prime minister one day!

 

[lmnop7854]

IMHO, I think we can do without incredibly vulgar jokes on this thread. I have seen plenty of funny jokes that didn't need to include asterisks to spell the words.

Lisa

 

[Rich]

How do you get a nun pregnant ?
Dress her up as an alter boy

 

[KenHigg]

IMHO, I think we can do without incredibly vulgar jokes on this thread. I have seen plenty of funny jokes that didn't need to include asterisks to spell the words.

Lisa

Maybe create a x rated thread for those types...

 

[Uncle Gizmo]

Opinion Sort!

Well, I am not sure about this, so I would welcome others opinion and certainly will delete the offending joke if a consensus is reached! I put the asteric is to protect minors from seeing inappropriate material. Most adults know the words, indeed as do most minors! If you know the word exists, if you understand a word, then surely it cannot be offensive. It is the context the word is used in that is offensive. The joke works because it has a double meaning, it is a slang name for a sexual organ, and also an insult. I can't see that any other word would have worked in that particular joke. Whether I should have published a joke or not, is down to the accepted standards of the community. It is not uncommon to see this word within this community AND without the asteric!

 

[Kraj]

It is not uncommon to see this word within this community AND without the asteric![/URL]

Well I wouldn't say five posts in all of the forums constitutes "uncommon", especially when all but one occurred in a thread called "Insults". I don't think you were out of line, but if someone expresses offense I don't see any reason why a joke thread can't be kept reasonably clean.

 

[Uncle Gizmo]

BTW,
I am quite proud of the joke because I made it up myself! It still does not alter the fact that it be may well be offensive to some people, and if that is the case, I will remove it.

I find it hard to believe that I am unique in identifying this particular play on words as a joke, so if you have heard it before, in other words if someone else has also thought of this joke independently from me, then I would be interested to know. But like I said, (unless it is a lurking memory that I have interpreted as my own creation) I am quite sure I invent it.

I do have another joke I have invented, if that's a correct term? It's as controversial as the above, and it would sound better being told by a woman. I am certain it would be lovely material for Jo Brand, which is why I haven't published it. I want to get the joke to Jo Brand, and if she likes it, I hope she will give me tickets to one of her shows! So if you can link me to her, get my joke to her, I would appreciate it.

 

[KenHigg]

I'm not trying to kick up a stink or anything, if you find that kind of joke funny, more power to you. The 'Offensive' card is way overdone anyway... If a person simply had rather not read such jokes, stay the heck away - As I sometimes do...

Still, does that mean a person should not bring up the fact that they found a particular comment a bit vulgar?

Maybe we should do a thread and get opinions on just where this 'Offensive' thing plays into the legal arena...

 

[lmnop7854]

BTW,
I am quite proud of the joke because I made it up myself!

You know, I wasn't THAT offended by it - I just hate that C word. It was probably more that I really didn't think it was all that funny - no offense, Uncle Gizmo!!

However, much the hoopla has been made over my comment. I feel so flattered.....

Lisa

 

[ShaneMan]

BTW,
I am quite proud of the joke because I made it up myself!

Here in the USA, I have heard a version of that joke since the early 70's, except it wasn't really a joke. It was a one line come back to someone calling you the "P" word or the "C" word, the come back was "you are what you eat," so you might have made it up yourself cause you never heard of it but I wouldn't say that it was original.

Shane

 

[Rich]

BTW,
I am quite proud of the joke because I made it up myself! It still does not alter the fact that it be may well be offensive to some people, and if that is the case, I will remove it.
.

I find the term George Bush the most offensive term I've ever heard, thus you can wait 'till he's removed before removing a word that's part of every day conversation in some cultures

 

[Rich]

Here in the USA, I have heard a version of that joke since the early 70's, except it wasn't really a joke. It was a one line come back to someone calling you the "P" word or the "C" word, the come back was "you are what you eat," so you might have made it up yourself cause you never heard of it but I wouldn't say that it was original.

Shane

You mean this an American maxim and we're being castigated for it, from a country that uses the term fanny in its everyday language, kettle, black pot, me thinks

 

[KenHigg]

You mean this an American maxim and we're being castigated for it, from a country that uses the term fanny in its everyday language, kettle, black pot, me thinks

'castigated'... Good word.

 

[Rich]

'castigated'... Good word.

All my words are good Ken

 

[ShaneMan]

You mean this an American maxim and we're being castigated for it, from a country that uses the term fanny in its everyday language, kettle, black pot, me thinks

I don't really know that you could call it an American maxim. I just know that I've heard it said before. As far as being castigated, I think that may be a little over the top. Wouldn't you agree that there's a time and place for everything and talking like that, especially in front of ladies, is probably not appropriate?

 

[Rich]

Wouldn't you agree that there's a time and place for everything and talking like that, especially in front of ladies, is probably not appropriate?

No I don't. Gizmo was the perfect gentleman in this instance

 

[ShaneMan]

No I don't. Gizmo was the perfect gentleman in this instance

Funny how over time the definition of gentleman can change. Much less a perfect one. There was a time, not too awful long ago, that a gentleman would not use language that came anywhere close to that. Now a off colored joke can be made, using a word that his vulgar, and because ** are used it defines him as a "perfect gentleman."

 

[Rich]

Funny how over time the definition of gentleman can change. Much less a perfect one. There was a time, not too awful long ago, that a gentleman would not use language that came anywhere close to that. Now a off colored joke can be made, using a word that his vulgar, and because ** are used it defines him as a "perfect gentleman."

The ** imply gentlemanly conduct, had he spelt the word out or pointed it at someone specifically then it could have been deemed offensive.
This is an international forum, you really can't expect everything to be wrapped up in cotton wool.

There was a time when few swore at all, those days have long gone, anyway if one looks back through this thread there have been many more near the knuckle jokes posted without controversy, why single this one out?