Dick7Access
Dick S
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Instead of John I call my bathroom Jim. It sounds better when I say I go to the Jim first thing every morning.
What's your best/worst joke?
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Dick7Access
Dick S
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A pregnant woman gets into a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, “Ma’am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them.” The woman thinks to herself, “Oh no, not my brother — he’s an idiot!” Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, “Well, what’s the girl’s name?”
“Denise,” the doctor says. The new mother thinks, “Wow, that’s not such a bad name! Guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise!” Then she asks the doctor, “What’s the boy’s name?” The doctor replies, “DeNephew.”
The doctor replies, “Ma’am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them.” The woman thinks to herself, “Oh no, not my brother — he’s an idiot!” Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, “Well, what’s the girl’s name?”
“Denise,” the doctor says. The new mother thinks, “Wow, that’s not such a bad name! Guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise!” Then she asks the doctor, “What’s the boy’s name?” The doctor replies, “DeNephew.”
Dick7Access
Dick S
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A new report suggests that being overweight
is not as harmful as is commonly believed,
and actually confers some surprising benefits.
Being five to ten pounds overweight could
protect people from ailments ranging from
tuberculosis to Alzheimer's disease, research
indicates. Those carrying 15 to 25 extra pounds
are better able to recover from adverse conditions
such as emphysema, pneumonia, and various
injuries and infections, states the report.
Thirty to forty pounds of flab could help fend
off breast, kidney, pancreatic, prostate, and
colon cancer. And an extra fifty pounds on the
scale may improve eyesight, reverse baldness,
cure the common cold, and reduce global warming.
In general, the report concludes, overweight
people are happier, more successful in business,
smarter, and friendlier.
The study was funded by a research grant from
McDonald's, Burger King, Jack in the Box,
Taco Bell, Domino's Pizza, Starbucks, Haagen Dazs,
Sara Lee, and Krispy Kreme.
is not as harmful as is commonly believed,
and actually confers some surprising benefits.
Being five to ten pounds overweight could
protect people from ailments ranging from
tuberculosis to Alzheimer's disease, research
indicates. Those carrying 15 to 25 extra pounds
are better able to recover from adverse conditions
such as emphysema, pneumonia, and various
injuries and infections, states the report.
Thirty to forty pounds of flab could help fend
off breast, kidney, pancreatic, prostate, and
colon cancer. And an extra fifty pounds on the
scale may improve eyesight, reverse baldness,
cure the common cold, and reduce global warming.
In general, the report concludes, overweight
people are happier, more successful in business,
smarter, and friendlier.
The study was funded by a research grant from
McDonald's, Burger King, Jack in the Box,
Taco Bell, Domino's Pizza, Starbucks, Haagen Dazs,
Sara Lee, and Krispy Kreme.
Dick7Access
Dick S
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Many Chimps have escaped from a Kansas City Zoo. Zoo officials say they have all climbed into a large barrel, and they seem to being having a lot of fun!!
http://www.foxnews.com/us/2014/04/1...s-city-zoo-authorities-say/?intcmp=latestnews
http://www.foxnews.com/us/2014/04/1...s-city-zoo-authorities-say/?intcmp=latestnews
kevlray
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Actually the story I heard is that a chimp broke off a 6 foot piece of branch and used it as a ladder. The interesting part of the store. The chimp tried to get other chimps to escape, only two others went with him. FYI: I have been to the KC zoo. The chimps have a large area where they can climb trees and romp through the grass.
Dick7Access
Dick S
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GCF: Ain't Broke
Most people believe that "if it
ain't broke, don't fix it."
Engineers believe that "if it
ain't broke," it doesn't have
enough features yet.
Most people believe that "if it
ain't broke, don't fix it."
Engineers believe that "if it
ain't broke," it doesn't have
enough features yet.
Dick7Access
Dick S
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GCF: What Kind Of Pie?
One outraged college student stomped up to the
lunch line at the cafeteria, holding a plate
with a piece of pie on it."This is disgusting!" he
exclaimed. "What kind of pie do you call this?!"
The lunch lady calmly put down her ladle, looked
him in the eye and snarled, "And just what does
it taste like?"
"It tastes like cardboard and rubber cement!" the
student cried.
Lunch Lady thinks a moment, then replies, "That
must be the apple. The cherry pie tastes like
stale crackers and soap."
One outraged college student stomped up to the
lunch line at the cafeteria, holding a plate
with a piece of pie on it."This is disgusting!" he
exclaimed. "What kind of pie do you call this?!"
The lunch lady calmly put down her ladle, looked
him in the eye and snarled, "And just what does
it taste like?"
"It tastes like cardboard and rubber cement!" the
student cried.
Lunch Lady thinks a moment, then replies, "That
must be the apple. The cherry pie tastes like
stale crackers and soap."
kevlray
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I thought that is what the marketing people did, and of course they want the engineers to put it in.
Dick7Access
Dick S
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I had a course in college, advertising 101, I am supposing it could parallel marketing. One assignment was to take an old product, change it's name, change it's color, put bell where whistle use to be, and whistle were bell use to be and call it new and improved. according to our instructor (stright out of Madison Ave,) it works. His case in point was striped toothpaste. Same ingredients, but in different colors. Big seller.
Dick7Access
Dick S
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GCF: Music Bits
Standing in line at the grocery-store checkout, my dad was pleased to hear
bits of classical music. Unfortunately, the music would begin to play, only to
quickly stop. The store's sound system did not seem to be working properly.
Turning to the woman standing behind him in line, Dad commented on
how lovely the music was and how he hoped the store would get their
system fixed.
As the music started up again. Dad smiled at the lady and said,
"There it is again! Isn't it lovely?"
"Sir, it is indeed lovely, but it's not from the store," the woman
replied with a smile. "Your cellphone is ringing!"
Standing in line at the grocery-store checkout, my dad was pleased to hear
bits of classical music. Unfortunately, the music would begin to play, only to
quickly stop. The store's sound system did not seem to be working properly.
Turning to the woman standing behind him in line, Dad commented on
how lovely the music was and how he hoped the store would get their
system fixed.
As the music started up again. Dad smiled at the lady and said,
"There it is again! Isn't it lovely?"
"Sir, it is indeed lovely, but it's not from the store," the woman
replied with a smile. "Your cellphone is ringing!"
Dick7Access
Dick S
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GCF: Guard Dog
My friend, a mechanic, does work for the Air Force Academy. One day,
a guard asked, "Mind if our new guard dog practices sniffing your truck?"
He obliged and the dog went to work. Almost immediately, it latched onto
a scent and jumped into the truck bed sniffing furiously.
My friend became nervous. There were no drugs or weapons. What could the
dog be after?
A few minutes later, the guard approached.
"Sorry," he said sheepishly, "our dog ate your lunch."
My friend, a mechanic, does work for the Air Force Academy. One day,
a guard asked, "Mind if our new guard dog practices sniffing your truck?"
He obliged and the dog went to work. Almost immediately, it latched onto
a scent and jumped into the truck bed sniffing furiously.
My friend became nervous. There were no drugs or weapons. What could the
dog be after?
A few minutes later, the guard approached.
"Sorry," he said sheepishly, "our dog ate your lunch."
Dick7Access
Dick S
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GCF: We Had It Hard.....
When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious
diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up.
What with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning uphill
both ways through year-round blizzards carrying their younger
siblings on their backs to their one-room schoolhouse where they
maintained a straight-A average despite their full-time after-school
job at the local textile mill where they worked for 35 cents an hour
just to help keep their family from starving to death!
And I remember promising myself that when I grew up there was no way
I was going to lay that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy
they've got it!
But....
Now that I've reached the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but
look around and notice the youth of today.
You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in
a Utopia! And I hate to say it but you kids today don't know how good
you've got it!
I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have the Internet. If we wanted to
know something, we had to go to the library and look it up ourselves!
And there was no email! We had to actually write somebody a letter,
with a pen! And then you had to walk all the way across the street
and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!
And there were no MP3s or Napsters! If you wanted free music you had
to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ would
usually talk over the beginning and mess it all up!
You want to hear about hardship?
We didn't have fancy stuff like Call Waiting! If you were on the
phone and somebody else called, they got a busy signal!
And we didn't have fancy Caller ID Boxes either! When the phone rang,
you had no idea who it was, it could be your boss, your Mom, a
collections agent, you didn't know!!! You just had to pick it up and
take your chances, mister!
And we didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation videogames with
high-resolution 3D graphics!
We had the Atari 2600! With games like "Space Invaders" and
"Asteroids"! Your guy was a little square! You had to use your
imagination! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was
just one screen forever! And you could never win; the game just kept
getting harder and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!
When you went to the movie theater, there was no such thing as
stadium seating! All the seats were the same height! If a tall guy
sat in front of you, you watched his hairstyle!
And sure, we had cable television, but back then that was only like
20 channels and there was no onscreen menu! You had to use a little
book called a TV Guide to find out what was on!
And there was no Cartoon Network! You could only get cartoons on
Saturday morning... D'ya hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK!
That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too
easy. You're spoiled!
You guys wouldn't last five minutes back in 1984!
When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious
diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up.
What with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning uphill
both ways through year-round blizzards carrying their younger
siblings on their backs to their one-room schoolhouse where they
maintained a straight-A average despite their full-time after-school
job at the local textile mill where they worked for 35 cents an hour
just to help keep their family from starving to death!
And I remember promising myself that when I grew up there was no way
I was going to lay that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy
they've got it!
But....
Now that I've reached the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but
look around and notice the youth of today.
You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in
a Utopia! And I hate to say it but you kids today don't know how good
you've got it!
I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have the Internet. If we wanted to
know something, we had to go to the library and look it up ourselves!
And there was no email! We had to actually write somebody a letter,
with a pen! And then you had to walk all the way across the street
and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!
And there were no MP3s or Napsters! If you wanted free music you had
to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ would
usually talk over the beginning and mess it all up!
You want to hear about hardship?
We didn't have fancy stuff like Call Waiting! If you were on the
phone and somebody else called, they got a busy signal!
And we didn't have fancy Caller ID Boxes either! When the phone rang,
you had no idea who it was, it could be your boss, your Mom, a
collections agent, you didn't know!!! You just had to pick it up and
take your chances, mister!
And we didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation videogames with
high-resolution 3D graphics!
We had the Atari 2600! With games like "Space Invaders" and
"Asteroids"! Your guy was a little square! You had to use your
imagination! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was
just one screen forever! And you could never win; the game just kept
getting harder and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!
When you went to the movie theater, there was no such thing as
stadium seating! All the seats were the same height! If a tall guy
sat in front of you, you watched his hairstyle!
And sure, we had cable television, but back then that was only like
20 channels and there was no onscreen menu! You had to use a little
book called a TV Guide to find out what was on!
And there was no Cartoon Network! You could only get cartoons on
Saturday morning... D'ya hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK!
That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too
easy. You're spoiled!
You guys wouldn't last five minutes back in 1984!
Brianwarnock
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Man says to wife "I'm going to the pub, get your coat on"
Wife " Oh, are you taking me!"
Husband "No , I'm switching the heating off"
Wife " Oh, are you taking me!"
Husband "No , I'm switching the heating off"
Brianwarnock
Retired
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A lad comes home from school and excitedly tells his dad that he had a part in the school play and he was playing a man who had been married for 25 years.
The dad says, “Never mind son, maybe next year you’ll get a speaking part.”
The dad says, “Never mind son, maybe next year you’ll get a speaking part.”
The best one I've heard recently:
A roman catholic priest and a protestant go the the races. An owner approaches the priest and asks him to bless his horse before the race. The priest does the whole latin thing, “In nomine Patris…” and the owner makes a generous donation “ahem...to the church”. The horse wins his race, but the vicar is not impressed - yet. Later another owner asks the priest for a blessing. Again there’s a generous donation and again the horse wins. The vicar is beginning to take note.
The two clergymen get separated for a while and then, as the vicar is scanning the crowd, he sees the priest over in a corner of the paddock, with a small group of people gathered round a horse, The priest has his hands raised and is making the sign of the cross. The vicar takes note of the horse’s number and hurries off to the bookie, where he places a large bet. The race starts, but that horse trails in last, limping and wheezing.
“I don’t get it”, says the vicar, when he catches up with the priest later. “You blessed two horses and they won, but you blessed that last one and it had no effect. What happened?”
“That’s the trouble with you protestants”, replies the priest. “You don’t know the difference between a Blessing and the Last Rites.”
A roman catholic priest and a protestant go the the races. An owner approaches the priest and asks him to bless his horse before the race. The priest does the whole latin thing, “In nomine Patris…” and the owner makes a generous donation “ahem...to the church”. The horse wins his race, but the vicar is not impressed - yet. Later another owner asks the priest for a blessing. Again there’s a generous donation and again the horse wins. The vicar is beginning to take note.
The two clergymen get separated for a while and then, as the vicar is scanning the crowd, he sees the priest over in a corner of the paddock, with a small group of people gathered round a horse, The priest has his hands raised and is making the sign of the cross. The vicar takes note of the horse’s number and hurries off to the bookie, where he places a large bet. The race starts, but that horse trails in last, limping and wheezing.
“I don’t get it”, says the vicar, when he catches up with the priest later. “You blessed two horses and they won, but you blessed that last one and it had no effect. What happened?”
“That’s the trouble with you protestants”, replies the priest. “You don’t know the difference between a Blessing and the Last Rites.”
scott-atkinson
I'm with the Witch.......
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The Americans are sending a crack team to find the missing school girls in Nigeria, Britain are sending Stuart Hall, Max Clifford, Rolf Harris, and Dave Lee Travis...
I wonder who will find them first...
I wonder who will find them first...
Dick7Access
Dick S
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[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]
Three men were being interview for a managerial job. The first one was a former math teacher. The boss asked him one question. What is 2 and 2? He said 4. The second one was a former psychologist. Same question, what is 2 and 2? He said it depends on your perspective. It could be 4 or it could be 22. The third one was a accountant. Same question, what is 2 and 2. He gets up, looks down the hall both ways, closes the door, gets up close to the boss and whisperers, what do you want it to be?[/FONT]
Three men were being interview for a managerial job. The first one was a former math teacher. The boss asked him one question. What is 2 and 2? He said 4. The second one was a former psychologist. Same question, what is 2 and 2? He said it depends on your perspective. It could be 4 or it could be 22. The third one was a accountant. Same question, what is 2 and 2. He gets up, looks down the hall both ways, closes the door, gets up close to the boss and whisperers, what do you want it to be?[/FONT]
SparklyPrincess6969
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I saw this one on Conan, by some comic who was guesting. It is very long and I have paraphrased it.
A moth walks into a podiatrist's office. The podiatrist says "What's the problem?"
The moth replies "Aw Doc, I don't know where to begin...I've got problems up to here. First there's my wife, I just don't feel anything anymore when I look at her...I don't think I love her anymore even though I try so hard, I can't even remember the way it was when we first met, just kids you know, we didn't know a darn thing about anything...whoever that boy and that girl were back they sure ain't anyone I know anymore...and she hasn't been the same since she lost her parents...in the great winter last year, that killed so many of us moths...life's hard when you're an ectothermic creature with a high surface area to volume ratio...she's been so needy and why shouldn't she be, but every time I see the sadness in her eyes it makes my guts clench up in rage and hate...how can I be such a terrible person, Doc?...and I gotta tell you about my youngest son too...I hate him, I loathe him, I don't know why...he's never done anything wrong...he's just a little boy...maybe it's whenever I look into his face I can still see the unadulterated joy of childhood and the hopes and dreams he still entertains...the ones I used to have, and I both envy him and feel sickened by his naivete...or perhaps ultimately I see myself in him and hate him just as much as I hate the man in the mirror...and I haven't even told you about the dreams, I keep having these dreams at night...haven't thought about it in years...Helmand province man, the Airborne Moth Brigade, we all got hooked on oxys in Kabul and marching with the sweats and the shakes and hadji behind every rock...and I see that kid's face, couldn't have been more than 12 man, barely big enough to pick up the rifle they gave him...and his mouth hung open like a little pink cave and he just looked up at me as the blood spread across his shirt, like he was saying "why did you do that" and you know Doc I didn't know, I swear I didn't know just then, it was just me and him and that huge huge blue sky crying judgement...it's got so bad not even the cutting helps, you know...at first when that razor blade bites into your flesh you feel so CLEAN, you feel something again...the pain you think you deserve...the rich red blood flowing down the drain and taking all your sins with it...you just gotta help me Doc. You just gotta help me. I'm just gonna fall apart, I don't know where to turn anymore."
"Whoa," says the podiatrist. "You've got some heavy things going on with you, and you sure need a lot of help. But you really need a therapist, and the thing is I'm a podiatrist...I deal with feet."
"I know." says the moth.
"So Why'd you come in here?"
"Well, the light was on."
A moth walks into a podiatrist's office. The podiatrist says "What's the problem?"
The moth replies "Aw Doc, I don't know where to begin...I've got problems up to here. First there's my wife, I just don't feel anything anymore when I look at her...I don't think I love her anymore even though I try so hard, I can't even remember the way it was when we first met, just kids you know, we didn't know a darn thing about anything...whoever that boy and that girl were back they sure ain't anyone I know anymore...and she hasn't been the same since she lost her parents...in the great winter last year, that killed so many of us moths...life's hard when you're an ectothermic creature with a high surface area to volume ratio...she's been so needy and why shouldn't she be, but every time I see the sadness in her eyes it makes my guts clench up in rage and hate...how can I be such a terrible person, Doc?...and I gotta tell you about my youngest son too...I hate him, I loathe him, I don't know why...he's never done anything wrong...he's just a little boy...maybe it's whenever I look into his face I can still see the unadulterated joy of childhood and the hopes and dreams he still entertains...the ones I used to have, and I both envy him and feel sickened by his naivete...or perhaps ultimately I see myself in him and hate him just as much as I hate the man in the mirror...and I haven't even told you about the dreams, I keep having these dreams at night...haven't thought about it in years...Helmand province man, the Airborne Moth Brigade, we all got hooked on oxys in Kabul and marching with the sweats and the shakes and hadji behind every rock...and I see that kid's face, couldn't have been more than 12 man, barely big enough to pick up the rifle they gave him...and his mouth hung open like a little pink cave and he just looked up at me as the blood spread across his shirt, like he was saying "why did you do that" and you know Doc I didn't know, I swear I didn't know just then, it was just me and him and that huge huge blue sky crying judgement...it's got so bad not even the cutting helps, you know...at first when that razor blade bites into your flesh you feel so CLEAN, you feel something again...the pain you think you deserve...the rich red blood flowing down the drain and taking all your sins with it...you just gotta help me Doc. You just gotta help me. I'm just gonna fall apart, I don't know where to turn anymore."
"Whoa," says the podiatrist. "You've got some heavy things going on with you, and you sure need a lot of help. But you really need a therapist, and the thing is I'm a podiatrist...I deal with feet."
"I know." says the moth.
"So Why'd you come in here?"
"Well, the light was on."
snlodge
New member
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Comparison
Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that.
Narrative
A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day.
Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, 'Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?' Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh ... I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend.'
Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister.
The minister said, 'Hello son, is your Grandma home?'
The little boy replied, 'Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend.'
The minister fainted
Question
What Are These Words?
How fast can you guess these words?
1. BOO_S
2. _ _ NDOM
3. P_N_S
4. F_ _ K
5. PU_S_
6. S_X
The Answer is in the attachment, Don’t peek before you answer all.
Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that.
Narrative
A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day.
Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, 'Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?' Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh ... I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend.'
Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister.
The minister said, 'Hello son, is your Grandma home?'
The little boy replied, 'Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend.'
The minister fainted
Question
What Are These Words?
How fast can you guess these words?
1. BOO_S
2. _ _ NDOM
3. P_N_S
4. F_ _ K
5. PU_S_
6. S_X
The Answer is in the attachment, Don’t peek before you answer all.
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