What's your best/worst joke?

[ByteMyzer]

On the Vagueness of English

The Boss was in a quandary. He had to fire somebody. He had it narrowed down to one of two people, Debra or Jack.

It was an impossible decision; they were both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.

Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hang-over after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin. The Boss approached her and said, "Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."

"Could you jack off?" she said. "I feel like $#!+."

 

[Brianwarnock]

.

Surely I'm not the only person that thinks this kind of joke is in poor taste?

Brian

Edit by Rabbie (Moderator). This joke was judged to be in poor taste and has been deleted.

 

[speakers_86]

Surely I'm not the only person that thinks this kind of joke is in poor taste?

Brian

 

[Jacob Mathai]

Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room.

The teacher says, "Why are you arguing?"

One boy answers, "We found a ten dollar bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie."

"You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age I didn't even know what a lie was."

The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.

 

[Jacob Mathai]

Improve your memory power

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?" "Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques - visualization, association - it has made a big difference for me." "That's great! What was the name of that clinic?" Fred went blank. He thought and thought but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?" "You mean a rose?" "Yes, that's it!" Then he turned to his wife and asked, "Rose, what was the name of that clinic?"

Heart Surgeon

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley, when he spotted a world-famous heart surgeon in his shop. The heart surgeon was waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike.

The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc can I ask you a question?" The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I also can open it up, take valves out, fix'em, put in new parts and when I finish this will work just like a new one. So how come I get a pittance and you get the really big money, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic, "Try doing it while it's running."

Playing violin

"Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?"
"Yes, of course..."
"Great! I never could before!"

He called a plumber

A pipe burst in a doctor's house. He called a plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed the doctor a bill for $600.

The doctor exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! I don't even make that much as a doctor!."

The plumber quietly answered, "Neither did I when I was a doctor."

 

[Jacob Mathai]

Pecans at the cemetery

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy.

Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery.

He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane,hobbling along.

"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."

The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me..."

The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth.
Let's see if we can see the Lord." Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything.

The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all.
Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done."

They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the boy on the bike.

 

[shabbaranks]

Whats brown and sticky....

A stick!

 

[shabbaranks]

Q: Why is 6 afraid of 7?
A: Because 7 8 9 (Seven Ate Nine, get it?)

​

 

[shabbaranks]

Q: What did one strawberry say to another strawberry?
A: If you weren't so fresh, we wouldn't be in this jam!!

Sorry guys thats all of my repertoire.
​

 

[kevlray]

Q: What did one strawberry say to another strawberry?
A: If you weren't so fresh, we wouldn't be in this jam!!

Sorry guys thats all of my repertoire.
​

Thank Goodness.

 

[jamesmor]

Q: Why is 6 afraid of 7?
A: Because 7 8 9 (Seven Ate Nine, get it?)

​

Just told this one to my 6 yr old daughter last night. Her response?

 

[MrsGorilla]

Just told this one to my 6 yr old daughter last night. Her response?

My 4 yr old thinks it's funny.

 

[Rx_]

It's a Matter of Perspective
The Colorado Department of Employment, Division of Labor Standards, claimed a small Software Programmer company was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to investigate.
GOV'T AGENT: "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them."

SOFTWARE PROGRAMMER: "Well, there's my tax consultant who's been with me for three years. I pay him $2000 a week plus expenses and four college graduates that get about $2,500 a week as consultants. Then there's the old mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, has no time to go anywhere or do anything else, and I buy him a big bottle of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope with life.
"Oh, and he also sleeps with my wife occasionally like one a year when she gets too drunk on New Year’s Eve."

GOV'T AGENT: "That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one."

SOFTWARE PROGRAMMER: "That would be me."

 

[xwnoob]

Whats a mexican favourite sport?

Cross-Country

 

[Jacob Mathai]

"Daddy," a little girl asked her father, "do all fairy tales begin with 'Once upon a time'? "
"No, sweetheart," he answered. "Some begin with 'If I am elected.'"

---------------------

President Obama has been meeting with voters in what he calls 'backyard chats.' He's held these in real people's backyards. You know something, I think all politicians should talk to people in their backyards. Then you could take what they say and spread it on the lawn.'' —Jay Leno

 

[xwnoob]

Why did the chicken cross the road?

A: Because there were no cars

 

[xwnoob]

7 didnt 8 9, 9 8 7

 

[Jacob Mathai]

An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like hell they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone, too, and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving. Now what do we tell them for Christmas?"

 

[Jacob Mathai]

Canadian Farm

An elderly woman lived on a small farm in Canada, just yards away from the North Dakota border.

Their land had been the subject of a minor dispute between the United States and Canada for years. The widowed woman lived on the farm with her son and three grandchildren.

One day, her son came into her room holding a letter. "I just got some news, Mom," he said. "The government has come to an agreement with the people in North Dakota. They've decided that our land is really part of the United States. We have the right to approve or disapprove of the agreement. What do you think?"

"What do I think?" his mother said. "Sign it! Call them right now and tell them we accept! I don't think I can stand another Canadian winter!"

 

[scott-atkinson]

1.)A Greek, an Irishman and a Portuguese go into a bar and order a drink. Who picks up the bill?
A German.

2.) The Eurozone credit ratings are like a frying pan.
Greece at the bottom...

3.) Oh dear. The eurozone's Facebook page has changed its currency status from ‘single’ to ‘it's complicated’.

4.) NEWS FLASH: Greece has approached the IMF for a €60bn loan after they were turned down by Wonga

5.) The eurozone leaders are looking for a stimulus package. Silvio Berlusconi suggests two Viagra and a Red Bull.

6.) My wife misunderstood my son when he asked for some Play-Doh for Christmas. She got him a load of euros.

7.) Q: How do you know it's going to be a double-dip recession?
A: Greek exports of taramosalata and tzatziki have plunged.

8.) Some years ago a small rural town in Spain twinned with a similar town in Greece.
The mayor of the Greek town visited the Spanish town. When he saw the palatial mansion belonging to the Spanish mayor, he wondered aloud how on earth he could afford such a house.

The Spaniard replied: ‘You see that bridge over there? The EU gave us a grant to construct a two-lane bridge, but by building a single lane bridge with traffic lights at either end, I could build this place.’

The following year the Spaniard visited the Greek town. He was simply amazed at the Greek mayor's house: gold taps, marble floors, diamond doorknobs, it was marvellous.

When he asked how he’d raised the money to build this incredible house, the Greek mayor said: ‘You see that bridge over there?’

The Spaniard replied: ‘No.’

10.) Breaking news: The eurozone financial crisis will soon be over as Greece has received an unconditional €100bn bailout offer.

All they have to do is email their account details to the anonymous daughter of wealthy, but deceased African general...